Nowhere for child to sit at birthday party/bullying issues.

[Anonymous]

I took my 5-year-old DS to a birthday party today for a 6 y/o boy in his class. The boys were wild - just insane. Some of them were 6 turning 7, and were much into the rough and tumble/push-me-pull-you play. They were stealing each other's shoes and running amok; none of the parents seemed to care and were on their phones the entire time. After about an hour of this, it was time to eat. I took DS to the table area, which had limited seating in a sectioned-off area. There were about 16 kids there and maybe 20 chairs.

I put DS's jacket down on a chair and went away to wash his hands. When I came back, another little boy was sitting in his chair. Pizza was being handed out. DS was upset because someone else "took his spot" and started to get upset. The little boy's mom had her back turned the whole time and didn't seem to care or offer to grab another chair. I ushered him off to the side and looked around for another chair while he started to cry - there were maybe 1 or 2, but kids were still coming in, and then chairs went quickly. Suddenly there was nowhere for DS to sit and he was on the sidelines, he was a bit hot and cranky from running around and playing so I encouraged him to drink some water. He started to cry because he felt left out. None of the adults offered their seats; most were zoned out, eating pizza. So DS started to cry harder, and I (failingly) told him to calm down, drink some water, and I'll grab him a piece of pizza, to which he yelled, "NO!" the host then grabbed a seat and encouraged DS to sit. But he was embarrassed and didn't want to move, so he started to throw a tantrum. I sucked in this situation, and I told him if he didn't stop crying, we would go home - because he was causing a scene at this point, and other parents were just staring at him. Then, another little boy took the seat offered to him, and the other child's parent did nothing.

I was just embarrassed and felt so awkward. My kid was crying and felt left out. There was nowhere for him to sit, but plenty of adults could have stood or moved. I know I worsened the situation by telling him to stop crying or we were leaving. There were no extra chairs for me to grab, and the facility was firm that we couldn't move chairs from other zoned-off party areas. So we just sat at the side, with DS eating alone, and left early.

I don't know what I could have done differently. DS goes to a private school and has been the victim of bullying by older kids who have been pushing him on the playground and holding him down; he's had some minor injuries. The principal was notified that one child had to switch classes, and the other was sent home from school. DS is now afraid to go to school and sees the counselor. He has friends in our neighborhood, and we've signed him up for Cub Scouts, but he's not meshing with his peers at his private school (who are mostly 6+ and did an extra year of kindergarten or were red-shirted). Most of the kids at today's party were older boys.

I would love to hear suggestions from other parents on what to do. These parents were not part of my regular social circle, and I know any of my mom's friends would have offered a seat or grabbed a chair or something to help. They wouldn't have let a child feel left out and cry on the side while the parent looked around frantically, flustered and frustrated, trying to fix it.

[Anonymous]

There were 20 seats and 16 kids? What was the problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There were 20 seats and 16 kids? What was the problem?

The extra seats were taken up by other parents - and they didn’t move when they were done. They just stayed chatting.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would have left when things started going south. He was probably tired and probably overstimulated. I would not have wanted my child to engage in behavior in front of others that he would be embarrassed about and teased about later.

[Anonymous]

These parents suck, and so did the host for not managing her party better.

[Anonymous]

It's hard when your child is the oldest in the family and one of the youngest in the class.

With my oldest son who didn't turn 6 until June it seemed like some of the boys in K were out of control and wild. Then I had a younger son who turned 6 in October so was one of the older boys in the class and he had the benefit of being around older boys from hanging around his brother and his friends. He ended up being a wild kid that I probably complained about when my oldest was in K.

When does you son turn 6? If I had to do it again I would have had my older one repeat K in another school the following year.

[Anonymous]

I have to be honest here, I think you have major social anxiety and either your kid has the same tendencies, or he’s mirroring your behavior.

It’s clear from the way you got flustered and are upset with the other parents that this “no seats left” thing was sort of a catastrophe. But that’s in your head (and now your kid’s). It’s very likely that no one offered their seat because nobody understood what was happening or why you were both upset.

You both need to be able to roll with stuff. We’re not always the center of attention or the belle of the ball. You can eat pizza standing up. Or wait for someone else to finish and move. Not a big deal.

We all have a deep reaction to other kids being less than nice to ours, but sometimes that happens. You need to be able to control yourself enough to show your kid that it’s not the end of the world, even if it sucks a little bit in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Sound like a total shhhhshow
I would consider sending him to another school

[Anonymous]

It sounds as if your child has socio-communication issues, OP. He might benefit from an evaluation if you're finding that he's routinely targeted and victimized by different groups, and has difficulty finding solutions when he's upset and controlling his emotions. Kids are bloodhounds - they smell a weakness from miles away. This happened to my son at the same age, who was diagnosed with an ADHD/HFA combo.

Please don't be rigid yourself (stop crying or we're leaving). He's being overly rigid, so everyone else has to be flexible, in order for a crisis to be averted. It's difficult to teach self-control and self-awareness to someone who digs themselves in and has tantrums, but when you're in crisis mode and are looking for a peaceful, socially acceptable outcome, it's best not to get into a battle of wills - you will lose 100% of the time. You might have taken him outside for fresh air, with food if allowed, then come back in for cake, and ask an adult to give him his chair for a minute. Distract and defuse.

And when he's calm, teach him breathing techniques, visualization, CBT therapy techniques, anything that will help him become a little more flexible so that he can trouble shoot situations himself instead of going immediately into Defcon 1.

[Anonymous]

I would have asked nicely to those parents sitting in chair to give up one seat. If you are shy, talk to the host or the staff to ask for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to be honest here, I think you have major social anxiety and either your kid has the same tendencies, or he’s mirroring your behavior.

It’s clear from the way you got flustered and are upset with the other parents that this “no seats left” thing was sort of a catastrophe. But that’s in your head (and now your kid’s). It’s very likely that no one offered their seat because nobody understood what was happening or why you were both upset.

You both need to be able to roll with stuff. We’re not always the center of attention or the belle of the ball. You can eat pizza standing up. Or wait for someone else to finish and move. Not a big deal.

We all have a deep reaction to other kids being less than nice to ours, but sometimes that happens. You need to be able to control yourself enough to show your kid that it’s not the end of the world, even if it sucks a little bit in the moment.

+1

[Anonymous]

Sorry you and your son had to deal with that. Some parents and kids suck. It is completely understandable that your son got upset. He felt left out and maybe not welcome and then had a tantrum since his feelings were not validated. I have been there with my child. If i was there I would have definitelybtried to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds as if your child has socio-communication issues, OP. He might benefit from an evaluation if you're finding that he's routinely targeted and victimized by different groups, and has difficulty finding solutions when he's upset and controlling his emotions. Kids are bloodhounds - they smell a weakness from miles away. This happened to my son at the same age, who was diagnosed with an ADHD/HFA combo.

Please don't be rigid yourself (stop crying or we're leaving). He's being overly rigid, so everyone else has to be flexible, in order for a crisis to be averted. It's difficult to teach self-control and self-awareness to someone who digs themselves in and has tantrums, but when you're in crisis mode and are looking for a peaceful, socially acceptable outcome, it's best not to get into a battle of wills - you will lose 100% of the time. You might have taken him outside for fresh air, with food if allowed, then come back in for cake, and ask an adult to give him his chair for a minute. Distract and defuse.

And when he's calm, teach him breathing techniques, visualization, CBT therapy techniques, anything that will help him become a little more flexible so that he can trouble shoot situations himself instead of going immediately into Defcon 1.

OP here - thank you. This is great advice. Going outside for a fresh air and exploring resources are good suggestions. I wish I had thought of that at the time to go outside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to be honest here, I think you have major social anxiety and either your kid has the same tendencies, or he’s mirroring your behavior.

It’s clear from the way you got flustered and are upset with the other parents that this “no seats left” thing was sort of a catastrophe. But that’s in your head (and now your kid’s). It’s very likely that no one offered their seat because nobody understood what was happening or why you were both upset.

You both need to be able to roll with stuff. We’re not always the center of attention or the belle of the ball. You can eat pizza standing up. Or wait for someone else to finish and move. Not a big deal.

We all have a deep reaction to other kids being less than nice to ours, but sometimes that happens. You need to be able to control yourself enough to show your kid that it’s not the end of the world, even if it sucks a little bit in the moment.

Social anxiety - yes. Absolutely. Didn’t know anyone there and it was outside my normal group, which kind of compounds the embarrassment.

[Anonymous]

Someone DID try to help. OP says there were available chairs that “went quickly,” and then that the host offered a chair, but her child was too upset to take it and eventually another child sat in it. Which shows there were other children not seated at the time. I suspect the other parents might have been vaguely aware that your kid was having a tantrum about seating, but if we polled them I bet none would understand that he didn’t have access to a chair. Because it sounds like he did. And you weren’t sitting on the floor, right? Where did you end up sitting?