Tell me about getting divorced in mid 40s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp who was asked here. DC but I travel a lot. Why?

Just unusual to fall into a relationship after divorce and it developing into the next marriage. Particular in this area

[Anonymous]

As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women in their 40s are no longer attractive, especially if they had kids. Even the ones that were top models have faded. They no longer attract alpha males. They may attract some gigolos or older grandpas.

Dude - go to any public place and do some people watching. Very few people even in their 20s are top models or alphas. That’s not what gets them into relationships.
And in your soap opera narrative … does the aging alpha stay married to the 40 yo former top model? Or does he trade her in for a “younger model”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

I guess I was dumb then. If you think you know your spouses future (mine got a TBI that led to alcoholism and rage and abuse) keep patting yourself on the back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Supply and demand. What we know is that in their 20s, women do much better than men on the dating market. In their 70s, men do much better than women (a lot due to women's longer average lifespan). Somewhere between 20s and 70s, the balance tips and men gain the upper hand in the dating market. The question is, at what age?

This is not true though. Data does not support. Most heterosexual people in America are in a relationship with someone within three years of their age. Less than one percent have a 20 year age gap and less than 2% have more than a 14 year age gap. Most of these that do are outliers, think Brad Pitt.

Look around. How many 50-year-old men do you know regularly banging 23-year-olds ? It’s not happening outside of celebrity billionaire circles.

The conventional wisdom has been that men prefer young women biologically. They want to spread their seed and they like fertility and youth. But that is the same for women, of course it is! That is why teen girls are watching Outer Banks and not old Tom Selleck in blue bloods. Come on.

There is currently a tech billionaire spending billions and billions because he’s upset that his 46-year-old d$#k doesn’t get as hard anymore. He tracks nocturnal emissions and was so upset by what happens naturally to men in their 40s. Wired did a huge article on this. He’s into longevity, but the bottom line is he’s most concerned about his aging penis. Women are attracted to vitality and youth every bit as much as men.

The difference is that’smen have a distinct disadvantage and women have a very distinct advantage in midlife. Women’s hormones change so they don’t give nearly as many fux. And as men and women age men need marriage and relationships much more than women.

[Anonymous]

It was a hard decision. I made the decision when I realized that even if it meant being single for the rest of my life and my lifestyle went down a notch, I would be better off.

I could not stay in a marriage with an abusive man who would take all the credit for the good things, none of the blame for the bad things, and was unsupportive. Unsupportive meaning he wanted our kids to do well and get into great colleges, but did not want to do the work that it takes to get them there. And he wanted a higher household income, which of course required me to work, but wouldn’t handle any of the childcare or household logistics that allowed me to do so. And if I asked him for help, he’d be “tired”. And at the end of the day, most of the money was “his” even though we started the marriage with nothing at all and I made his path easy by taking care of all the kid stuff.

When I realized that nothing would change, that is when I made the decision.

I know women who stay for lifestyle things like being able to afford nice trips and lots of activities for their kids. I HOPE in those situations the marriage isn’t really that bad. If women stay in an abusive marriage in order to afford extras, they are modeling terrible things for their kids.

It is so much better to live a simpler life without the stress of constantly walking on eggshells. Sure, if I had stayed married we’d have a fancier house and more travel, but what fun are those things anyway when you are sharing them with someone who casts a pall all over things.

It’s also been a great motivator for me career wise, knowing I would need to increase my income. I’ve gotten multiple promotions in the years leading up to and since my divorce, and I don’t know if I would have worked as hard or gotten them if I was happily married. In a couple more years my income will be similar to our married HHI, even adjusted for inflation.

I’m also in a relationship I am very happy with. Not sure I will remarry ever, but things are going well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

Please stop assuming all divorces are the same. My kids are better off in many ways. For them, financially, no change. In fact, we put them in private Catholic school after a divorce, which never would have happened if we had stayed married. I was not allowed to have a say married because of a controlling person. I see my kids almost every day. In general, yes, it is bad for kids but not all divorces are the same. Coparenting is better than single parenting while working full time while married. Divorce made their dad step up and be an actual parent. My kids get very annoyed when they feel like kids feel sorry for them. They have a great life. College is paid for. They have two nice houses. They see us all the time. I was thinking of my kids when I divorced...I could not let them grow up in a househould where their parents either fought or never spoke. I did not want them to think that kind of marriage was normal.

I have no trouble dating in my mid-40s. Plenty of options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp who was asked here. DC but I travel a lot. Why?

Just unusual to fall into a relationship after divorce and it developing into the next marriage. Particular in this area

Both my ex and I are still with our rebounds, which we each fell into almost instantly when we decided to break up. We were both very cautious about it though. He waited 5 years to remarry. It will be 8 when I do.

[Anonymous]

Women are the prize. The biggest post divorce flex for a man is securing another woman. Younger, preferably, but a woman nevertheless. Women, on the other hand, cite friendships, kids, family, travel, volunteer work, self care, etc. Depth.

I’m divorced and happier single with kids than I’ve ever been in my life. DGAF about what the ex is doing or who he is doing — just glad to be free.

Keep your head up, OP. It gets better. Great, even. Tune out the old narratives about what your life is supposed to be, who you are supposed to be with, and build something brand new that feels true for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced at 43. Was married to a great man for 20 years. It would be very easy to judge me for the decision; I spent years doing so. But I was so uncomfortable. It made me have a desire to act out and not be stable. There was something inherently missing. Passion and intimacy mostly. I tried working on that for years but it was just getting worse.

It was several years of hell and self-doubt after. I lost my confidence and was very emotionally reactive and scared. But I remained attractive and desired. I easily fell into a relationship but it was toxic as we were both dealing with the internal emotional stress of divorce. After 5 years, we were able to stabilize. 7 years later it is pure joy and clearly the right decision, especially for my children. My ex remarried a few years ago, and I will soon. My ex and I aren’t together or even friends, but we coparent very well and our children’s lives are way more stable.

There are a lot of reasons to divorce, but they are all painful. Doesn’t mean it isn’t the best decision long term, but I wouldn’t wish the emotional turmoil on anyone, and we had a completely uncontested divorce with nary a single negative word said between us.

You immediately “fell” into a toxic relationship for 5 years immediately after your divorce, then it somehow transformed into “pure joy”? With kids in the mix? Ok …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

well you sound like a nice person!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women are the prize. The biggest post divorce flex for a man is securing another woman. Younger, preferably, but a woman nevertheless. Women, on the other hand, cite friendships, kids, family, travel, volunteer work, self care, etc. Depth.

I’m divorced and happier single with kids than I’ve ever been in my life. DGAF about what the ex is doing or who he is doing — just glad to be free.

Keep your head up, OP. It gets better. Great, even. Tune out the old narratives about what your life is supposed to be, who you are supposed to be with, and build something brand new that feels true for you.

True. I’m terrified my ex will end up with a woman who f’s up our tenuous coparenting relationship though. My ex is already extremely self-centered as it is. If a new gf/wife starts making demands that mess things up, it’s going to be hard. OTOH maybe he’ll find a good woman who will back me up on basic parenting good sense stuff (e.g, yes you do need to feed kid something other than fast food; yes kid does need to shower; yes you do need functioning smoke alarms.)

[Anonymous]

I hear you. But I had to drop the rope to be free. I don’t get involved with what happens when my kids are with Dad and his girlfriend. If they are in harm’s way, I will jump in with a quickness. But so far I haven’t needed to at all, in years.

I didn’t want him, my old life in my head space anymore. In order to do that, I let him parent his way. The resulting peace has been a gift. And the kids are better than okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

well you sound like a nice person!

Yea, she’s smug. Literally every single man I dated since divorce is better than my exH. And my exH was checking all the typical “alpha male” boxes. Nobody knew he was a home tyrant, narcissist and an absent father!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

Your “study” is flawed.

Kids benefit from parents who stay married mostly when the parents are high functioning in the first place. When that is not the case, the kids aren’t likely to benefit as much by their parents staying married. A lot of the time, it is worse for them.

Therefore it is hard to draw conclusions about whether it is better for the kids if their parents divorce vs. stay married. You are confusing causation with correlation.