Feeling Trapped In Parenthood/Relationship

[Anonymous]

You need to just grab the bull by the horns and get help - whether by finding a sitter the grassroots way or calling up an agency and paying premium for a few weeks. Neither of you can do it all when the other is away. Given you have two young kids the likelihood of one of the kids getting sick while you are gone is also there. Having backup care is practical.

All the posters posting that the mom is a wimp or whatever - seriously shut up. Everywhere around the world and since the beginning of time parents have had extra help caring for kids. Throw in a career and suddenly a mom is a wimp for not being able to shoulder it all on her own. This is BS and such toxic messaging to married couples. Raising kids is hard and getting help doesn’t make one an incapable or incompetent parent. What it does do is make people feel inadequate, anxious and scared to ask for help. I want to raise kids who are humble and willing to get help when they need

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you apply for an emergency Green Card and insurance,and bring your mom to the US? Why is she even in a foreign country?

Bet he’d hire a caretaker for his mom in a flash. And at USA prices, $25-30 per hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have happily let my husband take the baby for a week without me. Sounds like it's toddler age not a newborn. I would have loved a break from my kid at that age (or really any age)! Your wife sounds kind of anxious and honestly not very compassionate given that your mom is has a terminal illness.

I wouldn’t.
Sounds like the toddler is in day care so Dad suddenly being a primary caregiver of an 18 mos old or whatever who is jetlagged, still on bottled milk and purées and in diapers is not easy.
My spouse could not and would not do it, maybe he’d underestimate it as easy but truth is it is not easy. He’s probably dump the upset kid on the first anutie or nurse he saw.
Even packing for such a baby’s trip or the actual airport/airplane/car seat debacle is not easy.

Is this an emerging market country? Do they have the same formula available? Require car seats? Can you drink the tap water when making formula? Will they respect the child’s diet or try out new spices and see what happens?

Maybe the mother can join with the baby for one of the weeks. Am still assuming this is a transatlantic or trans-north pole flight for the child and yourselves.

Who is making formula for an 18-month old?

Day care worker or someone’s pumping and freezing and sending it in.

AT EIGHTEEN MONTHS?

Lots of kids are still on formula or breast milk at 18 mos. Not 100% whole milk from cows. All are good for brain and body development.
In addition to their purées, cereal and banana bites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have happily let my husband take the baby for a week without me. Sounds like it's toddler age not a newborn. I would have loved a break from my kid at that age (or really any age)! Your wife sounds kind of anxious and honestly not very compassionate given that your mom is has a terminal illness.

I wouldn’t.
Sounds like the toddler is in day care so Dad suddenly being a primary caregiver of an 18 mos old or whatever who is jetlagged, still on bottled milk and purées and in diapers is not easy.
My spouse could not and would not do it, maybe he’d underestimate it as easy but truth is it is not easy. He’s probably dump the upset kid on the first anutie or nurse he saw.
Even packing for such a baby’s trip or the actual airport/airplane/car seat debacle is not easy.

Is this an emerging market country? Do they have the same formula available? Require car seats? Can you drink the tap water when making formula? Will they respect the child’s diet or try out new spices and see what happens?

Maybe the mother can join with the baby for one of the weeks. Am still assuming this is a transatlantic or trans-north pole flight for the child and yourselves.

Who is making formula for an 18-month old?

Real tangential response PP.
But all the lactose intolerant toddler parents surely are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you apply for an emergency Green Card and insurance,and bring your mom to the US? Why is she even in a foreign country?

Bet he’d hire a caretaker for his mom in a flash. And at USA prices, $25-30 per hour.

Actually, home aid care is covered by Medicaid if his mom has no other income in the US. It's his fault that 1) he left his mother abroad and sick 2) now they obviously need a live-in nanny since both are working - his wife appears cold but she's right by at large!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you apply for an emergency Green Card and insurance,and bring your mom to the US? Why is she even in a foreign country?

Bet he’d hire a caretaker for his mom in a flash. And at USA prices, $25-30 per hour.

Actually, home aid care is covered by Medicaid if his mom has no other income in the US. It's his fault that 1) he left his mother abroad and sick 2) now they obviously need a live-in nanny since both are working - his wife appears cold but she's right by at large!

This is so dumb.
OP’s mother is not a rock that can just be put into a bag and hauled anywhere someone else decides. Has it occurred to any of you that she might prefer living in her native country? People who are not immigrants are really clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you apply for an emergency Green Card and insurance,and bring your mom to the US? Why is she even in a foreign country?

Bet he’d hire a caretaker for his mom in a flash. And at USA prices, $25-30 per hour.

Actually, home aid care is covered by Medicaid if his mom has no other income in the US. It's his fault that 1) he left his mother abroad and sick 2) now they obviously need a live-in nanny since both are working - his wife appears cold but she's right by at large!

Exactly why the elderly parent pull-in waits by green card and new citizens are 20+ years long for many countries like India, Pakistan, Mexico, UK, all of Central America, etc. Foreigners are advised to put their parents on the USA immigration list the minute the adult children get their green cards or citizenship. or turn 18 yo if born here.

Very common immigration tactic. But the wait is very long. Maybe the emergency angle would help but America and its health care system and hospitals cannot serve all current immigrants sickly and diseased parents to come here and get free treatment. And it is free to them; they themselves paid in nothing to the system over the years. Not via income tax, property tax, sales tax, Medicaid, SS, etc. Net negative

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you apply for an emergency Green Card and insurance,and bring your mom to the US? Why is she even in a foreign country?

Bet he’d hire a caretaker for his mom in a flash. And at USA prices, $25-30 per hour.

Actually, home aid care is covered by Medicaid if his mom has no other income in the US. It's his fault that 1) he left his mother abroad and sick 2) now they obviously need a live-in nanny since both are working - his wife appears cold but she's right by at large!

Yours assuming she has no spouse, relatives, or adult children or even community support in her homeland.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you apply for an emergency Green Card and insurance,and bring your mom to the US? Why is she even in a foreign country?

Bet he’d hire a caretaker for his mom in a flash. And at USA prices, $25-30 per hour.

Actually, home aid care is covered by Medicaid if his mom has no other income in the US. It's his fault that 1) he left his mother abroad and sick 2) now they obviously need a live-in nanny since both are working - his wife appears cold but she's right by at large!

Exactly why the elderly parent pull-in waits by green card and new citizens are 20+ years long for many countries like India, Pakistan, Mexico, UK, all of Central America, etc. Foreigners are advised to put their parents on the USA immigration list the minute the adult children get their green cards or citizenship. or turn 18 yo if born here.

Very common immigration tactic. But the wait is very long. Maybe the emergency angle would help but America and its health care system and hospitals cannot serve all current immigrants sickly and diseased parents to come here and get free treatment. And it is free to them; they themselves paid in nothing to the system over the years. Not via income tax, property tax, sales tax, Medicaid, SS, etc. Net negative

This is not correct.
Foreign parents of US citizens are considered immediate relatives and there is no waiting time for the green card. The 10-20 year wait lists are for the foreign siblings of US citizens.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Hire some help for your wife. There are people out there.

Go visit your Mom for 4 weeks.

We have a family leave act in the US which allows you to take up to 6 months off to care for family if you work for a company of over 50 employees.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. Does your wife have family (e.g. her mom or dad, sister, aunt, niece, anyone) who can temporarily move in to help? If not, backup plan would be hiring a nanny or nanny share.

TBH if I were in this situation I would definitely request leave from work to support my partner and family, and unless she's in a very specific situation like medical residency or fellowship, agree it's a potential red flag that she feels like she can't.

[Anonymous]

Wild that so many people think “baby is too young” on this thread. There are babies all over the world. Unless you are going to a conflict zone, or a place where the baby would need a ton of shots and take preventative meds (like for malaria) or there’s some other dangerous endemic disease, I personally don’t see why not to take baby. But, you should get some kind of baby helper while you’re there because you want to be able to focus on your mom at times.

I find your wife’s attitude that you can’t take the baby for 2-3 weeks to another country to see your dying Mom to be incredibly selfish. This is the last time your Mom may be able to see baby. Last time for you to build significant memories with your baby and her, take pictures, and build memories with your Mom about your own childhood and child-raising, etc.

I would maybe try again with wife, but only after you have found childcare at your Mom’s. Also consider that you go for 3 weeks and have Mom visit you for the middle week. That way she’s only away for a week at a time.

Obviously, try not to be resentful that your wife is so selfish when you re-present the idea.

[Anonymous]

Is she actively helping to find a solution so that you can visit your mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wild that so many people think “baby is too young” on this thread. There are babies all over the world. Unless you are going to a conflict zone, or a place where the baby would need a ton of shots and take preventative meds (like for malaria) or there’s some other dangerous endemic disease, I personally don’t see why not to take baby. But, you should get some kind of baby helper while you’re there because you want to be able to focus on your mom at times.

I find your wife’s attitude that you can’t take the baby for 2-3 weeks to another country to see your dying Mom to be incredibly selfish. This is the last time your Mom may be able to see baby. Last time for you to build significant memories with your baby and her, take pictures, and build memories with your Mom about your own childhood and child-raising, etc.

I would maybe try again with wife, but only after you have found childcare at your Mom’s. Also consider that you go for 3 weeks and have Mom visit you for the middle week. That way she’s only away for a week at a time.

Obviously, try not to be resentful that your wife is so selfish when you re-present the idea.

Wrong. You are selfish. Thinking a child is a prop to show around and pack on a long flight, show off in the homeland, “build memories” with? That seems all about OP and his mom. No idea how sick or not she is. No idea what kind of actual caretaker Op is but if something bad happens it will be 100% on him and could be devastating.

We took a baby and toddler on a 14 hour flight for a trip. Both got ear infections and sick in the flight and we went back and forth to doctors upon arrival and the whole first week.
It was miserable.

[Anonymous]

Just want to say the idea that a nanny/babysitter wouldn't take a job that's a few hours a week is FALSE, that's what our regular date night sitter does and she loves it. She has a day job full-time and likes the reliable extra cash but low time commitment. You wouldn't be able to retain a full-time nanny as her *primary employer* but you would certainly be able to find a student or someone with a regular other job.