Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

Team Wife for sure.

You should offer to check on your mom once a week. Either sister does other four or your Dad and she pays. They don't need to do $2000/ month home health - just pay a neighbor hourly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife for sure.

You should offer to check on your mom once a week. Either sister does other four or your Dad and she pays. They don't need to do $2000/ month home health - just pay a neighbor hourly.

Ugh. This is not a job for a neighbor to do. Just stop it.

Op needs to take his 2 days just like his sister does and Op's wife needs to put a sock in it until they find a more permanent solution. If Op's wife wants to speed things along she can offer her professional advice and help them figure out an appropriate placement for MIL.

Sitting around telling Dad to find a neighbor kid to sit for his wife is insane. You clearly have no idea what the heck you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.

Best post so far.

Don’t forget MIL was collecting disability while caring for these children.

Well, there is that. Sounds like MIL was happy to spend time with her grandchildren. She was allowed to do that and she did.

While on fraudulent “I can’t work” taxpayer dole, so actually we all paid everything!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your sisters husband not being requested to help? They got the free childcare and it’s time to repay the favor. They do 3 days and you do the other two.

The mil chose to watch them on her time and for free. No one has to pay anyone back for a favor, nor is it the other siblings business what mil chose to do. It's petty to be jealous about a thing like that.

The mil's husband is still young and can handle this marital responsibility. Seriously nothing to do with OP's wife, that's absurd.

What? Shouldn’t the SILmstep up because she realizes she got the extra help with kids and also financially. Honestly, what’s up with you? Are you the SIL? Your view is totally not logical and your comments that women should be the careers/nurturers says a lot about your viewpoint and why you would disagree with someone like OP’s wife who seems to be independent. Definitely team wife here. Your views aren’t fair to OP’s wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother has multiple chronic illnesses and it’s been recommended that she not be left alone for more than four hours at a time. She needs someone to check in on her, make sure she’s taken her meds and has eaten.

My Dad is still working, he’s 63 and has 2 years left until he can retire. If he took a retirement now he would take a cut of his pension.

This means it’s up to either my sister or I to check in on our mother. My dad can’t afford to take an early retirement or leave work early because of their mounting medical bills.

My mom took care of my sisters children for 10+ years so they never had to be put in daycare. My wife is "putting her foot down" and refusing to increase the costs we are paying for our after school nanny to adjust our work schedules to check in on my mom. Basically someone needs to check in on my mom at 12 and 4. My dad gets off work at 4 but my mom starts to sundown by that time and gets agitated. My dad checks in on her on his lunch break but he can’t always be there at 4 so he has asked me and my sister to do so.

My wife is saying this is my sisters responsibility. She holds a grudge against my sister because she always felt my sister was taking advantage of our mother. I don’t disagree with this. My mom basically raised my sisters kids.

Except my sister says they can’t adjust their work schedules 5 days/week to check in on mom. She has offered to do 1 or 2 days/week but my wife says they should be taking care of my mom now that my mom took care of their children for 10 years.

If we did 3 days/week, we would have to change our hours at work at either start earlier or pay our after school care an extra hour or two, 3 days/week. My wife refuses to absorb the cost. I understand her anger, but feels it’s misplaced. Now is not the time to "stick it to my sister", it’s about my mom.

We did not receive any help from my family when my wife went through a difficult pregnancy and childbirth/post partum. My wife’s parents are deceased and we didn’t have any help or support in raising our children in the way my sister has. My wife has always been vocally critical of my sister. My sister has now checked out and has never understood the gravity of our mothers health. Im caught in the middle.

Your sister or her spouse should work it out with their employers and shift her hours so she can check in on her chronically ill month who saved her $35k*10 years of childcare. Shame on her.

And how dare you try to force this on your wife and have her shaft her job/career or your own kids childcare or home time. How dare you OP.

Op should be helping his dad. The former childcare arrangement is irrelevant and it is really in extremely poor form to bring that up at a time like this. It has NOTHING to do with Op. Focus on the task at hand.

Everyone is focused. Op wants to pay for more outsourced care of his own you g children instead of having his father and his nuclear family pay for an hour or two of outsourced care for his chronically ill mother who should be in a home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife for sure.

You should offer to check on your mom once a week. Either sister does other four or your Dad and she pays. They don't need to do $2000/ month home health - just pay a neighbor hourly.

Ugh. This is not a job for a neighbor to do. Just stop it.

Op needs to take his 2 days just like his sister does and Op's wife needs to put a sock in it until they find a more permanent solution. If Op's wife wants to speed things along she can offer her professional advice and help them figure out an appropriate placement for MIL.

Sitting around telling Dad to find a neighbor kid to sit for his wife is insane. You clearly have no idea what the heck you are talking about.

Who are you with your constant same posts? if OP wants to F his relationship with his kids, wife, savings and retirement then He can proceed on this path of insanity. divorce would be in the table. He needs to get his priorities straight before his family of origin blows up his life. Sounds like they already have a ton of drama, maybe they’re addicted to it. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.

Best post so far.

Don’t forget MIL was collecting disability while caring for these children.

Well, there is that. Sounds like MIL was happy to spend time with her grandchildren. She was allowed to do that and she did.

While on fraudulent “I can’t work” taxpayer dole, so actually we all paid everything!

She was allowed to visit with her grandchildren and didn't collect a dime doing it so I'm not seeing the fraud. Not your beeswax so buzz out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife for sure.

You should offer to check on your mom once a week. Either sister does other four or your Dad and she pays. They don't need to do $2000/ month home health - just pay a neighbor hourly.

Ugh. This is not a job for a neighbor to do. Just stop it.

Op needs to take his 2 days just like his sister does and Op's wife needs to put a sock in it until they find a more permanent solution. If Op's wife wants to speed things along she can offer her professional advice and help them figure out an appropriate placement for MIL.

Sitting around telling Dad to find a neighbor kid to sit for his wife is insane. You clearly have no idea what the heck you are talking about.

Who are you with your constant same posts? if OP wants to F his relationship with his kids, wife, savings and retirement then He can proceed on this path of insanity. divorce would be in the table. He needs to get his priorities straight before his family of origin blows up his life. Sounds like they already have a ton of drama, maybe they’re addicted to it. Sad.

I have LIVED this and done something similar. FIL can not be watching his wife AND touring assisted living communities at the same time. If he wants to pay for hired help then he needs to be able to hold down his job. He also needs a break from the stress or HE will get sick, too, and then where would they all be.

Grow a heart. Good God. The man's wife is slipping away from more and more every day. Whenever he leaves the house he never knows what he's going to come home to. It's gotten BAD.

[Anonymous]

The families I know that had to temporarily pay for or spend time on one side of extended family’s health or issues put an equal sum of money into an account seems for the other side if the family.

So $20/ hr for a neighbor check in was $20 here and $20 in the pot. Keeping kids in day care longer due to grandma stuff, $20/ he/kid to day care and the same to the pot. Going part time in order to let everyone else work, $500/week lost wages goes in the pot.

This works to do two important things:
1-One side doesn’t run you dry
2-You think about how you are sped i g your time and money. It is not finite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.

Best post so far.

Don’t forget MIL was collecting disability while caring for these children.

Well, there is that. Sounds like MIL was happy to spend time with her grandchildren. She was allowed to do that and she did.

While on fraudulent “I can’t work” taxpayer dole, so actually we all paid everything!

She was allowed to visit with her grandchildren and didn't collect a dime doing it so I'm not seeing the fraud. Not your beeswax so buzz out.

Childcare while the parents both worked or were alcoholics outside of the house is not visiting. Childcare providing whilst on disability payments is fraud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.

Best post so far.

Don’t forget MIL was collecting disability while caring for these children.

Well, there is that. Sounds like MIL was happy to spend time with her grandchildren. She was allowed to do that and she did.

While on fraudulent “I can’t work” taxpayer dole, so actually we all paid everything!

She was allowed to visit with her grandchildren and didn't collect a dime doing it so I'm not seeing the fraud. Not your beeswax so buzz out.

Are you OP? You seem mentally ill. Where do you live again? Doubt it is dc area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.

Best post so far.

Don’t forget MIL was collecting disability while caring for these children.

Well, there is that. Sounds like MIL was happy to spend time with her grandchildren. She was allowed to do that and she did.

While on fraudulent “I can’t work” taxpayer dole, so actually we all paid everything!

She was allowed to visit with her grandchildren and didn't collect a dime doing it so I'm not seeing the fraud. Not your beeswax so buzz out.

Are you OP? You seem mentally ill. Where do you live again? Doubt it is dc area.

No, the insane thing is you yammering on about some childcare this poor, sick woman did back in 2006 or whatever. Irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

Again your wife does everything. You suck. Admit it you're a troll.

+100

She must save his unappreciative @$$ all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your sisters husband not being requested to help? They got the free childcare and it’s time to repay the favor. They do 3 days and you do the other two.

The mil chose to watch them on her time and for free. No one has to pay anyone back for a favor, nor is it the other siblings business what mil chose to do. It's petty to be jealous about a thing like that.

The mil's husband is still young and can handle this marital responsibility. Seriously nothing to do with OP's wife, that's absurd.

What? Shouldn’t the SILmstep up because she realizes she got the extra help with kids and also financially. Honestly, what’s up with you? Are you the SIL? Your view is totally not logical and your comments that women should be the careers/nurturers says a lot about your viewpoint and why you would disagree with someone like OP’s wife who seems to be independent. Definitely team wife here. Your views aren’t fair to OP’s wife.

Everyone is harping on the fact that they think the sister should be shouldering the care of her mom or at least paying for it all by herself. I am one of the few people who is saying that, no, Op needs to do his part, too. This is not "women's work", this is helping out their parents during a time of great need. And, yes, I have said repeatedly that these would be temporary measures at a time of crisis - until a more permanent placement is made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's pathetic how you talk about how your sister and wife should care for your mom. WHAT ABOUT YOU? She's YOUR mother. YOU go take care of her.

Well, OP refered to "we" adjusting work schedules and OP's wife refuses to absorb extra costs for child care to allow that. So even if OP did all the checks sounds like his wife disagrees.

Because OP's plan was terrible. Instead OP's wife helped her FIL come up with a good plan that is sustainable in the long run. That is the very definition of helping.

+1111

Driving round trip two hours for a 20 min check in after work and not doing your own family responsibilities is a terrible “plan.”