My parent has gotten sick very fast, other parent in denial, how to pay for nursing home in Virginia

[Anonymous]

I will try to keep this as concise as possible. My father had surgery a month ago and has been on a downward spiral fast in decreasing health, he's been in and out of the hospital and rehab facitilities, and now is back in the hospital and they cannot figure what is wrong with him. He is in such intense pain he is completely immobile, cannot dress or feed himself, cannot sit up, walk, etc. Basically he needs 24 hour care which my mother cannot provide (she isn't strong enough to even lift him, etc.). This has all happened so quickly, and my parents both seem to be in denial as to how to care for him. Rehab hospital won't take him, they say he's too sick. The hospital says they can't do anything for him, so he eventually needs to leave (soon) so the options seem to be 24/7 nursing care at home or nursing home. They've been quote $8,000 PER MONTH for both. They cannot afford that. I cannot afford to give them that either. I don't think they would qualify for Medicaid. They are located in Virginia. My father is NOT a vet. They don't live near DC so I am not sure if them moving in with us is a real option.

Has anyone been in similar situation? How did you approach the financial issues for elder care? This literally keeps me up at night, and stresses me all day long. I don't know what to do. Any advice is very much appreciated

[Anonymous]

I'd be interested to hear responses to this as well.

I consider VA close to DC, but I can understand if you don't want them moving in with you.

[Anonymous]

Can't they do the deal where they essentially sign over their house to the nursing home and once the value from that is gone, then they would be medicaid eligible? I know family friends have done this. They essentially have to run through all of their assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't they do the deal where they essentially sign over their house to the nursing home and once the value from that is gone, then they would be medicaid eligible? I know family friends have done this. They essentially have to run through all of their assets.

+1. This. And disability lawyer here. If your father is not old enough to draw social security retirement, apply for SSI/SSDI today. Your mother may also qualify for spouses benefits. This will at least create some income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't they do the deal where they essentially sign over their house to the nursing home and once the value from that is gone, then they would be medicaid eligible? I know family friends have done this. They essentially have to run through all of their assets.

My mother is still in very good health and young (unde 70). I consider my father young at 71 but he has never been in great shape due to a chronic illness. I am alarmed at the rapid decrease in his health. If they run through all their assets how does my mom live?

[Anonymous]

Medicaid and long term care medicaid are two different programs but you have to have limited cash/assests. Otherwise, you have to private pay and then go onto medicaid. Its a bad situation. If he is in the hospital, medicare usually pays for a specific number of days, maybe 90.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't they do the deal where they essentially sign over their house to the nursing home and once the value from that is gone, then they would be medicaid eligible? I know family friends have done this. They essentially have to run through all of their assets.

My mother is still in very good health and young (unde 70). I consider my father young at 71 but he has never been in great shape due to a chronic illness. I am alarmed at the rapid decrease in his health. If they run through all their assets how does my mom live?

You do not sign over the house but they put a lean on it. You can keep the house and some money/assests for your mom. They expect family to chip in.

[Anonymous]

You are going to get better advice if you move this to money and finance and provide an outline of their assets-- home, 401k, pension, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Medicaid and long term care medicaid are two different programs but you have to have limited cash/assests. Otherwise, you have to private pay and then go onto medicaid. Its a bad situation. If he is in the hospital, medicare usually pays for a specific number of days, maybe 90.

With a qualifying hospital stay Medicare will pay IF he hasn't used up all his days. After that it's private pay. If you can get a nursing home to take him the social workers can help with the Medicaid spend down to get him qualified for Medicaid. But that does mean at least a period of private pay.

[Anonymous]

Start thinking about a nursing home or home health company you want to work with, they will have social workers that can discuss the financial details with you. I know that you can get nursing care while keeping one car and your primary residence.
I hope your father can get diagnosed soon.

[Anonymous]

- First things first: I know it is tough, but you have to calm down, don't panic. Think things through. You feel pressured and rightly so, but you need to take the time to be the best informed advocate of your parent.

- Contact your local office of aging. Get an appointment. Talk to the social worker there. See what in-home services they can provide your dad IF he were to come home. DO NOT TELL THE HOSPITAL THAT THIS IS AN OPTION!!!

- The hospital should have assigned your dad a social worker, make that person do their job and help you figure out the options available to your dad. Keep in mind that they work for the hospital, so still do not tell them that going home is even a remote option. Let them TELL YOU what the options are.

- The hospital wants him out, they want his bed. They cannot kick him out if he is immobile and has no where to go and no assurance that he is going somehwere he will get care. You need to make it very clear that he cannot go to your house and cannot go home. 'Your mom is elderly and cannot care for him'
- Again: Make the hospital social worker do his/her job

- Apply for medicaid, it is not easy, and your dad needs to basically be flat broke.

- Some nursing homes will take you medicaid pending
- DO NOT SIGN OVER YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE! That is CRAZYYYY! You need to think of the long term future, your mom needs to have somewhere to live.

- Do not believe the nursing homes regarding your parents' house and assets. They want to get paid. Medicaid cannot take your parents' house, if your mom is living in it.

- I REPEAT: THE HOSPITAL CANNOT KICK OUT YOUR DAD IF HE HAS NO WHERE TO GO TO GET CARE!!
BTDT -- and I made them wait, they even wanted my parent out so bad they finally did a psych eval to test his competency, so they could legally release my parent.

- Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start thinking about a nursing home or home health company you want to work with, they will have social workers that can discuss the financial details with you. I know that you can get nursing care while keeping one car and your primary residence.
I hope your father can get diagnosed soon.

You want someone independent of the nursing home(s) to discuss the finances. Nursing homes want to get paid, they are not concerned with what is in your financial best interest. And unless you are millionaire, do not ever,ever,ever even imply, much less sign up for financial responsibility for your parents' nursing home care.
Go to the office of aging in your parents' area. Talk to the social worker there. They can inform you about the services available, health services, in home nurse care, meals on wheels, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: - First things first: I know it is tough, but you have to calm down, don't panic. Think things through. You feel pressured and rightly so, but you need to take the time to be the best informed advocate of your parent.

- Contact your local office of aging. Get an appointment. Talk to the social worker there. See what in-home services they can provide your dad IF he were to come home. DO NOT TELL THE HOSPITAL THAT THIS IS AN OPTION!!!

- The hospital should have assigned your dad a social worker, make that person do their job and help you figure out the options available to your dad. Keep in mind that they work for the hospital, so still do not tell them that going home is even a remote option. Let them TELL YOU what the options are.

- The hospital wants him out, they want his bed. They cannot kick him out if he is immobile and has no where to go and no assurance that he is going somehwere he will get care. You need to make it very clear that he cannot go to your house and cannot go home. 'Your mom is elderly and cannot care for him'
- Again: Make the hospital social worker do his/her job

- Apply for medicaid, it is not easy, and your dad needs to basically be flat broke.

- Some nursing homes will take you medicaid pending
- DO NOT SIGN OVER YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE! That is CRAZYYYY! You need to think of the long term future, your mom needs to have somewhere to live.

- Do not believe the nursing homes regarding your parents' house and assets. They want to get paid. Medicaid cannot take your parents' house, if your mom is living in it.

- I REPEAT: THE HOSPITAL CANNOT KICK OUT YOUR DAD IF HE HAS NO WHERE TO GO TO GET CARE!!
BTDT -- and I made them wait, they even wanted my parent out so bad they finally did a psych eval to test his competency, so they could legally release my parent.

- Good Luck!

Forgot to mention regarding medicaid, your dad cannot start signing over assests, giving money to you or your siblings. Medicaid sees that as fraud and it will disqualify him.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need nursing home care for both? It seems like your mom is fine. How much in assets do they have? Retirement accounts? This is what they've saved their lives for. I know it doesn't seem fair to spend 8k a month, but that's what the money is for. I believe your mom gets to keep her house and I believe some of her own retirement accounts, but all of your dad's money should go to his care until it's exhausted. And then medicaid steps in.

Side note- I would push for a medical diagnosis for your dad. Obviously something is wrong and they need to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: - First things first: I know it is tough, but you have to calm down, don't panic. Think things through. You feel pressured and rightly so, but you need to take the time to be the best informed advocate of your parent.

- Contact your local office of aging. Get an appointment. Talk to the social worker there. See what in-home services they can provide your dad IF he were to come home. DO NOT TELL THE HOSPITAL THAT THIS IS AN OPTION!!!

- The hospital should have assigned your dad a social worker, make that person do their job and help you figure out the options available to your dad. Keep in mind that they work for the hospital, so still do not tell them that going home is even a remote option. Let them TELL YOU what the options are.

- The hospital wants him out, they want his bed. They cannot kick him out if he is immobile and has no where to go and no assurance that he is going somehwere he will get care. You need to make it very clear that he cannot go to your house and cannot go home. 'Your mom is elderly and cannot care for him'
- Again: Make the hospital social worker do his/her job

- Apply for medicaid, it is not easy, and your dad needs to basically be flat broke.

- Some nursing homes will take you medicaid pending
- DO NOT SIGN OVER YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE! That is CRAZYYYY! You need to think of the long term future, your mom needs to have somewhere to live.

- Do not believe the nursing homes regarding your parents' house and assets. They want to get paid. Medicaid cannot take your parents' house, if your mom is living in it.

- I REPEAT: THE HOSPITAL CANNOT KICK OUT YOUR DAD IF HE HAS NO WHERE TO GO TO GET CARE!!
BTDT -- and I made them wait, they even wanted my parent out so bad they finally did a psych eval to test his competency, so they could legally release my parent.

- Good Luck!

I'm so sorry, OP. This is such an awful situation. You have gotten some good advice here. I especially agree with the bolded point above. The hospital social worker has to work with you. Be calm but firm in insisting on this. They will help you, although it is infinitely easier if you are there in person, as opposed to over the phone.