I had an emotional affair but now I'm ready to divorce my wife because she can't get over it

[Anonymous]

We had a very rough 2013-14 (emotionally). We became very disconnected and our lives took different turns. Wife's career and social life stagnated and we drifted apart and made new friends and almost became like roommates rather than a married couple. I became friends with a woman and we chatted and texted a lot. Long story short, it ended, wife found out. We've been going to counseling and trying to work it out and wife says she wants us to work at it but it's obvious she can't let go is very angry with me. For not just the EA, but "abandonment" as she calls it and our relationship failures. This hangs over my head daily and quite frankly I'm tired of feeling like shit. I was willing to do it for 3 or 6 months but now I just dread being around her. Instead of trying to want to work at it and make it better I want to not be in the same room with her because she constantly belittle and nag and say "too bad you brought us to this place". Today is the final straw. I thought we had a good morning, I had to leave early for a meeting and as soon as I get into my office and here is an email that says "I don't think you're trying hard enough". I left the house at 630am to meet with a potential client. How much harder must I try? I'm excusing my part in this or not willing to grovel but all the time, every day. I know this is a female based site and most of you will not be sympathetic to a "philandering male" but objectively, am I wrong to feel like this? To feel like all my efforts at restitution are not enough and maybe we just have too much shit built up? Im hanging on for the kids. If it was just the 2 of us I would absolutely recommend a quick divorce. We're early to mid 30s and could easily start over again with a new partner.

Sorry for this long, jumbled, incoherent mess, but I'm seriously at my wits end.

[Anonymous]

Has she ever articulated specific things she expects from you?

[Anonymous]

So.... this happened to me only I was in your wife's shoes. An emotional affair. I was devastated. But we went to therapy. I have never been to therapy before and never valued it and never thought it was for me. Our lives are completely better for it.

It gave me a place where I could say as many times as I needed to that I felt betrayed, wronged, abandoned, etc. And it felt so good to have a third party validate those feelings. And it gave him a place to say EXACTLY the things that you've said above. That he felt that he was never going to get a fresh start, that he could never be sorry enough, that he was feeling like "why bother if this is never going to get better." I'm sure he probably said it to me before. Maybe I didn't hear it. Maybe he didn't really say it. But hearing it in therapy really helped. It actually gave me back the power/safety that I had lost because I realized that it was my decision as to whether I was going to forgive him and move on, whether I wanted to decide to trust him again or not. Therapy really forced me (or allowed me) to see that I had a choice to make. To stop sitting there in a hellish no-man's land where I felt abandoned and unloved and mistrustful and decide whether I wanted to try again/move forward or not. I decided I wanted to try. And we did. And our relationship is 1000 stronger. All this for 2-3 months of weekly one hour therapy. BEST DECISION OF OUR LIVES.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to give DW an ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

this is the poser from 13:41 again. So wanted I wanted to say as a conclusion is... the truth of the matter is, she has a right to feel as hurt/abandoned/mistrusting as she feels. And at this point, you have the right to feel as you have described. You're both "right." And you both need to heal from it. The first step is deciding together that you can't stay in the same emotional place where you both are. You both need to move on. Whether that's together or separately. I for one think that it's worth going to a few therapy sessions to try to determine which way you want to head in. Obviously there are some issues that you both need to work on that go above and beyond the emotional affair and her response to it. You either can work on those and move forward or you can't.

[Anonymous]

"I was willing to do it for 3 or 6 months."

Um, yeah, you clearly don't care very much about your marriage, OP, since you are putting in minimal effort here. How is leaving at 6:30 to fulfill a work obligation at all counted towards an effort in your marriage?

[Anonymous]

So you cheated on her and now you want to leave her because she's upset with you? You cannot be serious.

[Anonymous]

No, she's divorcing you 'cause you are a wuss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this is the poser from 13:41 again. So wanted I wanted to say as a conclusion is... the truth of the matter is, she has a right to feel as hurt/abandoned/mistrusting as she feels. And at this point, you have the right to feel as you have described. You're both "right." And you both need to heal from it. The first step is deciding together that you can't stay in the same emotional place where you both are. You both need to move on. Whether that's together or separately. I for one think that it's worth going to a few therapy sessions to try to determine which way you want to head in. Obviously there are some issues that you both need to work on that go above and beyond the emotional affair and her response to it. You either can work on those and move forward or you can't.

I think this makes a lot of sense. I think you guys could really benefit from marriage counseling. Either you'll have the safe place to air your feelings and work through them, or you'll be able to work together to come to the conclusion you can't resolve the issues and need to pursue divorce. Either way, better off than the situation you are in now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this is the poser from 13:41 again. So wanted I wanted to say as a conclusion is... the truth of the matter is, she has a right to feel as hurt/abandoned/mistrusting as she feels. And at this point, you have the right to feel as you have described. You're both "right." And you both need to heal from it. The first step is deciding together that you can't stay in the same emotional place where you both are. You both need to move on. Whether that's together or separately. I for one think that it's worth going to a few therapy sessions to try to determine which way you want to head in. Obviously there are some issues that you both need to work on that go above and beyond the emotional affair and her response to it. You either can work on those and move forward or you can't.

+1 million

I'm a DW whose husband had an actual physical affair. Everything this posters says (in both posts) is spot on.

at 6 months out, with counseling, you've reached the point where you can say, ok, I understand where you are and ho you feel. And I am terribly, terribly sorry that my actions have put us in this place. But we are rapidly reaching the point where the ball is in your court to make a decision - are we going to get past this, or not? Are we building a new marriage, or are we not? And if you don't think you can ever get past this, I am terribly sorry about that. But that means we have to decide that moving forward means separating our lives.

I think your wife is stuck. If your counselor is good, the counselor should be moving you all forward to a new place.

At the same time, I can't emphasize enough how hard it is to be the wronged party.

All of this is predicated, of course, on you genuinely being remorseful, open, and honest.

[Anonymous]

Was it really just an emotional affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this is the poser from 13:41 again. So wanted I wanted to say as a conclusion is... the truth of the matter is, she has a right to feel as hurt/abandoned/mistrusting as she feels. And at this point, you have the right to feel as you have described. You're both "right." And you both need to heal from it. The first step is deciding together that you can't stay in the same emotional place where you both are. You both need to move on. Whether that's together or separately. I for one think that it's worth going to a few therapy sessions to try to determine which way you want to head in. Obviously there are some issues that you both need to work on that go above and beyond the emotional affair and her response to it. You either can work on those and move forward or you can't.

+1 million

I'm a DW whose husband had an actual physical affair. Everything this posters says (in both posts) is spot on.

at 6 months out, with counseling, you've reached the point where you can say, ok, I understand where you are and ho you feel. And I am terribly, terribly sorry that my actions have put us in this place. But we are rapidly reaching the point where the ball is in your court to make a decision - are we going to get past this, or not? Are we building a new marriage, or are we not? And if you don't think you can ever get past this, I am terribly sorry about that. But that means we have to decide that moving forward means separating our lives.

I think your wife is stuck. If your counselor is good, the counselor should be moving you all forward to a new place.

At the same time, I can't emphasize enough how hard it is to be the wronged party.

All of this is predicated, of course, on you genuinely being remorseful, open, and honest.

+1 well said!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this is the poser from 13:41 again. So wanted I wanted to say as a conclusion is... the truth of the matter is, she has a right to feel as hurt/abandoned/mistrusting as she feels. And at this point, you have the right to feel as you have described. You're both "right." And you both need to heal from it. The first step is deciding together that you can't stay in the same emotional place where you both are. You both need to move on. Whether that's together or separately. I for one think that it's worth going to a few therapy sessions to try to determine which way you want to head in. Obviously there are some issues that you both need to work on that go above and beyond the emotional affair and her response to it. You either can work on those and move forward or you can't.

+1 million

I'm a DW whose husband had an actual physical affair. Everything this posters says (in both posts) is spot on.

at 6 months out, with counseling, you've reached the point where you can say, ok, I understand where you are and ho you feel. And I am terribly, terribly sorry that my actions have put us in this place. But we are rapidly reaching the point where the ball is in your court to make a decision - are we going to get past this, or not? Are we building a new marriage, or are we not? And if you don't think you can ever get past this, I am terribly sorry about that. But that means we have to decide that moving forward means separating our lives.

I think your wife is stuck. If your counselor is good, the counselor should be moving you all forward to a new place.

At the same time, I can't emphasize enough how hard it is to be the wronged party.

All of this is predicated, of course, on you genuinely being remorseful, open, and honest.

+1 well said!

+2 more.

I certainly don't agree with affairs of any kind, but if your desire to reconcile is predicated on a desire to make your cheating spouse feel as much pain as possible for as long as possible, I do not think that you should stay married, kids or no kids. At some point, you have to move on and stop letting the affair (emotional or otherwise) define your relationship. If your wife is not willing to do this, there is probably no amount of groveling that will make her willing.

[Anonymous]

Emotional affairs happen all the time ........ not really a big deal. Even the definition of what constitutes an emotional affair can vary.

There was someone at work that I really related to and we used to share lots of fairly intimate information about our respective lives. There was nothing physical although there certainly was attraction for me. But once we moved jobs, the closeness gradually diminished. We are still in touch with each other but not as close by any means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this is the poser from 13:41 again. So wanted I wanted to say as a conclusion is... the truth of the matter is, she has a right to feel as hurt/abandoned/mistrusting as she feels. And at this point, you have the right to feel as you have described. You're both "right." And you both need to heal from it. The first step is deciding together that you can't stay in the same emotional place where you both are. You both need to move on. Whether that's together or separately. I for one think that it's worth going to a few therapy sessions to try to determine which way you want to head in. Obviously there are some issues that you both need to work on that go above and beyond the emotional affair and her response to it. You either can work on those and move forward or you can't.

+1 million

I'm a DW whose husband had an actual physical affair. Everything this posters says (in both posts) is spot on.

at 6 months out, with counseling, you've reached the point where you can say, ok, I understand where you are and ho you feel. And I am terribly, terribly sorry that my actions have put us in this place. But we are rapidly reaching the point where the ball is in your court to make a decision - are we going to get past this, or not? Are we building a new marriage, or are we not? And if you don't think you can ever get past this, I am terribly sorry about that. But that means we have to decide that moving forward means separating our lives.

I think your wife is stuck. If your counselor is good, the counselor should be moving you all forward to a new place.

At the same time, I can't emphasize enough how hard it is to be the wronged party.

All of this is predicated, of course, on you genuinely being remorseful, open, and honest.

+1 well said!

+2 more.

I certainly don't agree with affairs of any kind, but if your desire to reconcile is predicated on a desire to make your cheating spouse feel as much pain as possible for as long as possible, I do not think that you should stay married, kids or no kids. At some point, you have to move on and stop letting the affair (emotional or otherwise) define your relationship. If your wife is not willing to do this, there is probably no amount of groveling that will make her willing.

+3