I had an emotional affair but now I'm ready to divorce my wife because she can't get over it

[Anonymous]

I think you are missing the point, OP. Your wife is not just angry about the affair. You pretty much abandoned her when she was down. She is probably trying to figure out whether the relationship is worth saving.

You don't sound remorseful to me. You soul like you admit that your actions were wrong, but you sound like you blame your wife for the demise of your relationship and fun times.

I have no idea who is really at fault, but I suspect your wife is having a hard time moving on because she doesn't think she can count on you. You weren't there when she needed you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Emotional affairs happen all the time ........ not really a big deal. Even the definition of what constitutes an emotional affair can vary.

There was someone at work that I really related to and we used to share lots of fairly intimate information about our respective lives. There was nothing physical although there certainly was attraction for me. But once we moved jobs, the closeness gradually diminished. We are still in touch with each other but not as close by any means.

Its no big deal to you as you were the one having an affair. Obviously you were not nor will think of your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was it really just an emotional affair?

Asked and answered a gazillion times. Google it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this is the poser from 13:41 again. So wanted I wanted to say as a conclusion is... the truth of the matter is, she has a right to feel as hurt/abandoned/mistrusting as she feels. And at this point, you have the right to feel as you have described. You're both "right." And you both need to heal from it. The first step is deciding together that you can't stay in the same emotional place where you both are. You both need to move on. Whether that's together or separately. I for one think that it's worth going to a few therapy sessions to try to determine which way you want to head in. Obviously there are some issues that you both need to work on that go above and beyond the emotional affair and her response to it. You either can work on those and move forward or you can't.

I think this makes a lot of sense. I think you guys could really benefit from marriage counseling. Either you'll have the safe place to air your feelings and work through them, or you'll be able to work together to come to the conclusion you can't resolve the issues and need to pursue divorce. Either way, better off than the situation you are in now.

This. I don't see how any marriage can survive an affair without therapy. Whether you stay together or not, you'll both be in a better place if you work through it with some guidance.

[Anonymous]

In order for you and your wife to move on and away from this EA, she will have to have the capability to fully forgive your transgression. If she cannot and she continues to use it as a bone of contention between you two, then your marriage will never progress. It will remain at a standstill.

From the looks of it, she seems to be holding on to a lot of anger about it. Understandably so. So she may never be able to move on from this and you cannot keep remaining her whipping boy per say.

She needs to seek therapy and work through her issues with this. Until she does, your marriage is toast.

If she refuses to seek counseling, then it is time for you to throw in the towel.

Why should two people live in misery?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In order for you and your wife to move on and away from this EA, she will have to have the capability to fully forgive your transgression. If she cannot and she continues to use it as a bone of contention between you two, then your marriage will never progress. It will remain at a standstill.

From the looks of it, she seems to be holding on to a lot of anger about it. Understandably so. So she may never be able to move on from this and you cannot keep remaining her whipping boy per say.

She needs to seek therapy and work through her issues with this. Until she does, your marriage is toast.

If she refuses to seek counseling, then it is time for you to throw in the towel.

Why should two people live in misery?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a very rough 2013-14 (emotionally). We became very disconnected and our lives took different turns. Wife's career and social life stagnated and we drifted apart and made new friends and almost became like roommates rather than a married couple. I became friends with a woman and we chatted and texted a lot. Long story short, it ended, wife found out. We've been going to counseling and trying to work it out and wife says she wants us to work at it but it's obvious she can't let go is very angry with me. For not just the EA, but "abandonment" as she calls it and our relationship failures. This hangs over my head daily and quite frankly I'm tired of feeling like shit. I was willing to do it for 3 or 6 months but now I just dread being around her. Instead of trying to want to work at it and make it better I want to not be in the same room with her because she constantly belittle and nag and say "too bad you brought us to this place". Today is the final straw. I thought we had a good morning, I had to leave early for a meeting and as soon as I get into my office and here is an email that says "I don't think you're trying hard enough". I left the house at 630am to meet with a potential client. How much harder must I try? I'm excusing my part in this or not willing to grovel but all the time, every day. I know this is a female based site and most of you will not be sympathetic to a "philandering male" but objectively, am I wrong to feel like this? To feel like all my efforts at restitution are not enough and maybe we just have too much shit built up? Im hanging on for the kids. If it was just the 2 of us I would absolutely recommend a quick divorce. We're early to mid 30s and could easily start over again with a new partner.

Sorry for this long, jumbled, incoherent mess, but I'm seriously at my wits end.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're really trying that hard. You don't seem to actually be trying to understand your wife's feelings here. She has a right to feel hurt and betrayed by your actions, and those feelings are going to take a very long time to resolve, maybe even years. If you know right now that you can't stick it out for years during hard times - which you've kind of already proven by having the EA in the first place - you need to file for divorce.

If you honestly want to try to work it out, stay in counseling. I also recommend survivinginfidelity.com. There is a forum for cheating spouses there that you might find helpful. They will help you dig through your shit and find healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you cheated on her and now you want to leave her because she's upset with you? You cannot be serious.

+1

You're an asshole. Hope she wipes you clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this is the poser from 13:41 again. So wanted I wanted to say as a conclusion is... the truth of the matter is, she has a right to feel as hurt/abandoned/mistrusting as she feels. And at this point, you have the right to feel as you have described. You're both "right." And you both need to heal from it. The first step is deciding together that you can't stay in the same emotional place where you both are. You both need to move on. Whether that's together or separately. I for one think that it's worth going to a few therapy sessions to try to determine which way you want to head in. Obviously there are some issues that you both need to work on that go above and beyond the emotional affair and her response to it. You either can work on those and move forward or you can't.

+1 million

I'm a DW whose husband had an actual physical affair. Everything this posters says (in both posts) is spot on.

at 6 months out, with counseling, you've reached the point where you can say, ok, I understand where you are and ho you feel. And I am terribly, terribly sorry that my actions have put us in this place. But we are rapidly reaching the point where the ball is in your court to make a decision - are we going to get past this, or not? Are we building a new marriage, or are we not? And if you don't think you can ever get past this, I am terribly sorry about that. But that means we have to decide that moving forward means separating our lives.

I think your wife is stuck. If your counselor is good, the counselor should be moving you all forward to a new place.

At the same time, I can't emphasize enough how hard it is to be the wronged party.

All of this is predicated, of course, on you genuinely being remorseful, open, and honest.

+1 well said!

+2 more.

I certainly don't agree with affairs of any kind, but if your desire to reconcile is predicated on a desire to make your cheating spouse feel as much pain as possible for as long as possible, I do not think that you should stay married, kids or no kids. At some point, you have to move on and stop letting the affair (emotional or otherwise) define your relationship. If your wife is not willing to do this, there is probably no amount of groveling that will make her willing.

What a bizzarre comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a very rough 2013-14 (emotionally). We became very disconnected and our lives took different turns. Wife's career and social life stagnated and we drifted apart and made new friends and almost became like roommates rather than a married couple. I became friends with a woman and we chatted and texted a lot. Long story short, it ended, wife found out. We've been going to counseling and trying to work it out and wife says she wants us to work at it but it's obvious she can't let go is very angry with me. For not just the EA, but "abandonment" as she calls it and our relationship failures. This hangs over my head daily and quite frankly I'm tired of feeling like shit. I was willing to do it for 3 or 6 months but now I just dread being around her. Instead of trying to want to work at it and make it better I want to not be in the same room with her because she constantly belittle and nag and say "too bad you brought us to this place". Today is the final straw. I thought we had a good morning, I had to leave early for a meeting and as soon as I get into my office and here is an email that says "I don't think you're trying hard enough". I left the house at 630am to meet with a potential client. How much harder must I try? I'm excusing my part in this or not willing to grovel but all the time, every day. I know this is a female based site and most of you will not be sympathetic to a "philandering male" but objectively, am I wrong to feel like this? To feel like all my efforts at restitution are not enough and maybe we just have too much shit built up? Im hanging on for the kids. If it was just the 2 of us I would absolutely recommend a quick divorce. We're early to mid 30s and could easily start over again with a new partner.

Sorry for this long, jumbled, incoherent mess, but I'm seriously at my wits end.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're really trying that hard. You don't seem to actually be trying to understand your wife's feelings here. She has a right to feel hurt and betrayed by your actions, and those feelings are going to take a very long time to resolve, maybe even years. If you know right now that you can't stick it out for years during hard times - which you've kind of already proven by having the EA in the first place - you need to file for divorce.

If you honestly want to try to work it out, stay in counseling. I also recommend survivinginfidelity.com. There is a forum for cheating spouses there that you might find helpful. They will help you dig through your shit and find healing.

You were willing to suffer for 3-6 months but now her done being remorseful? Now you want to forget about it and play happy family again? This is how I'm reading it.

[Anonymous]

You're

[Anonymous]

OP, you do not appear to have an understanding of consequences. When you break trust, as you have, the healing period is far longer than the period during which you were behaving untrustworthy manner. Now, this is neither here nor there because, clearly, you do not really feel remorse. You are selfish, hence why you had the emotional affair and hence why you are now impatient for your wife to get over it. The best thing for you to do is to leave this woman alone and find someone like yourself. You are unlikely to learn empathy at your age (I presume you are an adult).

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. I've been in both your shoes and your wife's. Both are miserable.

A few months is nothing, OP. Don't divorce because of that. She is still in the aftermath and you need to try and get her to a better communication level. She should be improving slowly, not ruminating all the time.
A few years of the same old accusations and nagging? Yes, that would be grounds for divorce. But you're not there yet, and have to keep slogging away.

It took DH and I TWO ENTIRE YEARS to begin to see the end of the tunnel after the affair. And we're neither of us the nagging types.

[Anonymous]

OP, decide for yourself. Your wife is not going to change no matter what you do.

[Anonymous]

OP, you'll need to be more patient. She is dealing with a tremendous emotional upheaval. Ultimately, she needs to forgive you - not just for your sake, but hers. She is miserable right now, much more than you are. Until she can forgive, that anger will consume her.

Forgive does not mean forget. It's going to take even more time for the trust to return and you need to be prepared for that and understand her perspective.

Like everyone else has mentioned, you need couples counseling. Individual counseling would also be tremendously helpful for each of you. It will help you get to the root cause of why this happened and help you address your issues so you become a better person. If it doesn't help for this marriage, it will help you in your next relationship if you divorce.

I've been on your wife's side and it isn't easy, but I also understand why it happened. It will take her time to get there, and she may never get there.

Good luck to you both!