I had an emotional affair but now I'm ready to divorce my wife because she can't get over it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she's milking an emotional affair for all it's worth. My husband and I have gone through patches where we are distant because we just aren't on the same page for whatever reason. I probably in those times would not even care if he had a close female friendship. There have been times I daresay I would not have cared if he had a physical affair, I have reached points of being that checked out. We always come back to a a good place but every marriage has those rough spots. Why is she so hung up in the "emotional affair"? It wasn't physical, right? She has to make the effort to move on as well. She can't linger forever in the "well you did x so I can be mad about y" or you'll never move past it. So she has to be willing to actually attempt to move on and let go of her ace card and not keep it in her back pocket to use against you when it's convenient.

The betrayed spouse is "milking" betrayal? Look, if you don't care if you and your spouse betray each other, that's your choice. This woman has every right to react as she sees fit.

You say you wouldn't care if your spouse has an affair, but I bet if he brought you home an STD, left you for the other person, was hiding a secret life and using money to do so, was spending time with another person and neglecting you and any children you had together for another person, the affair would get real real fast for you.

You check your spouse and he hasn't cheated, so you have no experience with a cheating spouse, but are impugning a woman whose husband actually had an affair? Wow, thanks, lady. You have to have your nose shoved in crap like she has and attempt to rid yourself of the stench before giving advice. SMH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my read: your post is all about you. How you can't stand being the same room, how you don't want to hear about it anymore blah blah blah.

I don't think you're showing very much concern for your wife's pain, which is probably why this isn't closed for her.

Unless she feels really really heard and understood and feels you're remorseful, she will not have peace - therefore you will not have peace.

I can't get over your whole post is about how you think the fallout of your bad decisions is lasting too long for your comfort. That's one of the most self centered, un-empathetic, non-compassionate things I've heard in a long time. you're a loser.

But based on what was written, do you feel like his wife is working towards relational repair, or just using this as justification to remain angry and isolated? None of us can say what either of them are like IRL, but from the one-sided perspective he gave, she's not helping. Yes, it's sucks that she's the aggrieved party and still has to do work to fix things, but that's life and love. Time frame aside, it does sound like she's actively trying to punish him, which won't help. Pl

Really, you can read his "poor me" crap and come up with she's just trying to punish him? Go out to coffee this guy and cry me a river. Six months is a very short time to try to be normal after somethig like this and the more he tries to pressure her to forgive and forget, the more upset she will be. She'll interpret that as minimizing her experience and belittling he right to be justifiably upset. Average time frames for recovery is about one to two years, with a supportive remorseful spouse. What was missing here: a spouse who said he'd do anything but followed it with a weak, weak example. He also tried to weasel out of responsibility by overly pointing out it was an emotional affair. The psychological impact on his spouse is identical to a physical affair - the betrayal, the damage to attachment, the sense of rejection. He's coming at this yeah yeah yeah I did my time I've this silly shit, can't we just move on? I'm not getting the sense what exactly he did to repair?

Here's a short list:
- apologizing over and over and over. Even if you just apologized. Your wife can't hear it enough
-in the early stages, don't defend. There will be plenty of time to sort out the state of your marriage in counseling. In early stages any defense (even if your wife was a shitty spouse) will sound like justification.
- be accountable. Do what you say you're going to do 100% of the time. This is not a time to be sloppy.
- be an open book. Voluntarily offer your phone and email. Do not lock anything.
-permit your spouse to hear you say a final goodbye to your EA is your spouse wished to hear it. No waffle language like " my wife is making me"
-take responsibility for your part without blame, even though your wife Aldo carries responsibility for her part in your marriage. No one put a gun to your head to participate in an EA, that's on you.
-go to counseling. It's hard to repair without good guidance.
-stop seeing your EA forever, if it means getting s new job, do it. Your marriage won't heal with continued exposure. It will rip your wife's wounds open every time she has to think about
-be sensitive to trigger situatios. I don't know what yours are, but I guarantee your wife has them. Comfort her and acknowledge how difficult it is for her.
-thank her and show appreciation fo her staying with you through this. I guarantee she wanted to leave multiple times. It shows she's attached to stay in spite of her pain. Likely she wasn't having a great time in your marriage when you were dialing miss emotional affair, but your wife didn't cheat on you.
-don't lie anymore. About anything. Doubtful you could have pulled this off without serious omission of facts, misleading stories, and outright lies. Demonstrate trustworthy behavior.
-suck egg for a while without expecting too much in return. Your timing is that you're ending your affair. Her timing is she's recently discovered it. She will need 1-2 years to grieve and figure out what the new normal is.
-expect your wife will be Ina rollercoaster of emotions during this time. Trying to control her emotions sends the message you care more about your comfort than about her and you'll prolong this grieving/angry period.
-bring up you're
-bring up the affair on your own without waiting for her to explode. If you do that repeatedly, it will be a much calmer conversation than if you tip toe around it trying to avoid the subject.
-answer all her questions truthfully and openly about the affair. That's one of the biggest steps letting her know she might be able to trust you agsin. If you practiced the "trickle truth" method, every day she learns something new sets thd clock back to day zero for her. Non-compassionate acts set the clock back to day zero too.
-if you're not in it for the long hall and committed to do whatever it takes , do both of you a favor a leave now. Recovering from this is not easy for you or her.
I could list more, but I hope you get the idea. Humble remorse is on order for s whole before you get to insist she's had long enough to "forgive and forget"
A compassionate spouse would recognize her anger as pain and instead of feeding into it, go and hold her and comfort her, try it sincerely once, and that will end the shouting better than anything else,

[Anonymous]

PP, you're nuts. If you were worth THAT much work your spouse never would have cheated in the first place. That list is straight ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, you're nuts. If you were worth THAT much work your spouse never would have cheated in the first place. That list is straight ridiculous.

Which is the same attitude OP takes, so he might as well spare them both and just leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, you're nuts. If you were worth THAT much work your spouse never would have cheated in the first place. That list is straight ridiculous.

Which is the same attitude OP takes, so he might as well spare them both and just leave.

Succinctly put.

And true.

I love it when people minimize other people's marriages, lives, and worth.

I guarantee if they were the ones betrayed, they would have a totally different attitude. esp when children are involved.

Married people who cheat don't just cheat on their spouses; they cheat on their entire family.

Yeah, the 2-3 hours a day you spent playing computer grab ass with your affair partner? Coulda been taking kids to park, watching a movie with them, being present in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Americans seem to have such a hard time, just walking away. I am not making fun of Americans and I am not suggesting that "just walking away" is the best solution to relationship problems. I think I am being as factual as possible when generalizing.

In many ways I admire this trait, compared to the "flexible" nature of northern Europeans in relationships. My husband is an American. Had I been him, I would have walked away from me a long time ago, many times.

[Anonymous]

OP, you know what keeps me going and trying to be positive and heal through the pain my spouse put me through? The way he keeps telling me that I'm worth it to him, that he loves me so much that he'll keep doing everything it takes, no matter how I feel. His love for me and his actions are not conditional, and don't have a deadline.

And he does the things 13:49 listed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Emotional affairs happen all the time ........ not really a big deal. Even the definition of what constitutes an emotional affair can vary.

There was someone at work that I really related to and we used to share lots of fairly intimate information about our respective lives. There was nothing physical although there certainly was attraction for me. But once we moved jobs, the closeness gradually diminished. We are still in touch with each other but not as close by any means.

Is there general agreement as to what constitutes an "emotional affair"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Emotional affairs happen all the time ........ not really a big deal. Even the definition of what constitutes an emotional affair can vary.

There was someone at work that I really related to and we used to share lots of fairly intimate information about our respective lives. There was nothing physical although there certainly was attraction for me. But once we moved jobs, the closeness gradually diminished. We are still in touch with each other but not as close by any means.

This happened to me. Going through a lousy marriage and difficult family life. Had a great connection with a wonderful women. Intelligent, sexy, attractive, fun to be with. At first it was really only as friends but lately I have been falling for her. My wife has left and we are working through a separation with 2 kids. But with my friend, we hug and my heart skips a beat. I feel her body wrapped around me and I feel like a teenager. I am alive after going thru the demise of a long marriage, 10 years of darkness and stress. I look forward to meeting this woman, it just makes my day happy. I tingle inside. But she has already moved on to new men. And now I feel hurt when nothing actually existed. I wasn't able to move on her, not yet separated, but now I want to feel alive again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotional affairs happen all the time ........ not really a big deal. Even the definition of what constitutes an emotional affair can vary.

There was someone at work that I really related to and we used to share lots of fairly intimate information about our respective lives. There was nothing physical although there certainly was attraction for me. But once we moved jobs, the closeness gradually diminished. We are still in touch with each other but not as close by any means.

Is there general agreement as to what constitutes an "emotional affair"?

It's whatever your spouse says. Couples need to talk boundaries out ahead of time instead of talking about it when you're blindsided by something that crosses yours. The tragedy is an emotional affair dies the same psychological damage to the non involved spouse as a physical one. The only difference is in the involved spouses eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she's milking an emotional affair for all it's worth. My husband and I have gone through patches where we are distant because we just aren't on the same page for whatever reason. I probably in those times would not even care if he had a close female friendship. There have been times I daresay I would not have cared if he had a physical affair, I have reached points of being that checked out. We always come back to a a good place but every marriage has those rough spots. Why is she so hung up in the "emotional affair"? It wasn't physical, right? She has to make the effort to move on as well. She can't linger forever in the "well you did x so I can be mad about y" or you'll never move past it. So she has to be willing to actually attempt to move on and let go of her ace card and not keep it in her back pocket to use against you when it's convenient.

The betrayed spouse is "milking" betrayal? Look, if you don't care if you and your spouse betray each other, that's your choice. This woman has every right to react as she sees fit.

You say you wouldn't care if your spouse has an affair, but I bet if he brought you home an STD, left you for the other person, was hiding a secret life and using money to do so, was spending time with another person and neglecting you and any children you had together for another person, the affair would get real real fast for you.

You check your spouse and he hasn't cheated, so you have no experience with a cheating spouse, but are impugning a woman whose husband actually had an affair? Wow, thanks, lady. You have to have your nose shoved in crap like she has and attempt to rid yourself of the stench before giving advice. SMH

wtf, OP didn't do any of that! She hasn't gone through that anymore than I have. Obviously if that were the scenario I would feel different but shit, they were emotionally distant and he had a friendship with another woman that he ended up cutting off. Yes, she's being overly dramatic and punitive because she CAN. She's holding this "emotional affair" over his head even though she likely didn't actually give a shit about it while it was happening if they were as distant as he says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she's milking an emotional affair for all it's worth. My husband and I have gone through patches where we are distant because we just aren't on the same page for whatever reason. I probably in those times would not even care if he had a close female friendship. There have been times I daresay I would not have cared if he had a physical affair, I have reached points of being that checked out. We always come back to a a good place but every marriage has those rough spots. Why is she so hung up in the "emotional affair"? It wasn't physical, right? She has to make the effort to move on as well. She can't linger forever in the "well you did x so I can be mad about y" or you'll never move past it. So she has to be willing to actually attempt to move on and let go of her ace card and not keep it in her back pocket to use against you when it's convenient.

The betrayed spouse is "milking" betrayal? Look, if you don't care if you and your spouse betray each other, that's your choice. This woman has every right to react as she sees fit.

You say you wouldn't care if your spouse has an affair, but I bet if he brought you home an STD, left you for the other person, was hiding a secret life and using money to do so, was spending time with another person and neglecting you and any children you had together for another person, the affair would get real real fast for you.

You check your spouse and he hasn't cheated, so you have no experience with a cheating spouse, but are impugning a woman whose husband actually had an affair? Wow, thanks, lady. You have to have your nose shoved in crap like she has and attempt to rid yourself of the stench before giving advice. SMH

wtf, OP didn't do any of that! She hasn't gone through that anymore than I have. Obviously if that were the scenario I would feel different but shit, they were emotionally distant and he had a friendship with another woman that he ended up cutting off. Yes, she's being overly dramatic and punitive because she CAN. She's holding this "emotional affair" over his head even though she likely didn't actually give a shit about it while it was happening if they were as distant as he says.

You're just as emotionally stunted and self-indulgent as OP comes across, so no wonder you have so much in common

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotional affairs happen all the time ........ not really a big deal. Even the definition of what constitutes an emotional affair can vary.

There was someone at work that I really related to and we used to share lots of fairly intimate information about our respective lives. There was nothing physical although there certainly was attraction for me. But once we moved jobs, the closeness gradually diminished. We are still in touch with each other but not as close by any means.

This happened to me. Going through a lousy marriage and difficult family life. Had a great connection with a wonderful women. Intelligent, sexy, attractive, fun to be with. At first it was really only as friends but lately I have been falling for her. My wife has left and we are working through a separation with 2 kids. But with my friend, we hug and my heart skips a beat. I feel her body wrapped around me and I feel like a teenager. I am alive after going thru the demise of a long marriage, 10 years of darkness and stress. I look forward to meeting this woman, it just makes my day happy. I tingle inside. But she has already moved on to new men. And now I feel hurt when nothing actually existed. I wasn't able to move on her, not yet separated, but now I want to feel alive again.

She has already moved to new men? After you dumped your wife and kids for her? Awww, that's too too sad. I bet she didn't want the leftovers of your marriage...

Don't worry! There are lots of women ready to make you feel alive again and rescue you from the doldrums of regular life and the stress of a family and 2 kids. Since you will be paying child support for 2 kids, though, I doubt you will be able to afford them. Try craigslist casual encounters...plenty of pigs there will bang any pig that trundles their way!

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotional affairs happen all the time ........ not really a big deal. Even the definition of what constitutes an emotional affair can vary.

There was someone at work that I really related to and we used to share lots of fairly intimate information about our respective lives. There was nothing physical although there certainly was attraction for me. But once we moved jobs, the closeness gradually diminished. We are still in touch with each other but not as close by any means.

This happened to me. Going through a lousy marriage and difficult family life. Had a great connection with a wonderful women. Intelligent, sexy, attractive, fun to be with. At first it was really only as friends but lately I have been falling for her. My wife has left and we are working through a separation with 2 kids. But with my friend, we hug and my heart skips a beat. I feel her body wrapped around me and I feel like a teenager. I am alive after going thru the demise of a long marriage, 10 years of darkness and stress. I look forward to meeting this woman, it just makes my day happy. I tingle inside. But she has already moved on to new men. And now I feel hurt when nothing actually existed. I wasn't able to move on her, not yet separated, but now I want to feel alive again.

She has already moved to new men? After you dumped your wife and kids for her? Awww, that's too too sad. I bet she didn't want the leftovers of your marriage...

Don't worry! There are lots of women ready to make you feel alive again and rescue you from the doldrums of regular life and the stress of a family and 2 kids. Since you will be paying child support for 2 kids, though, I doubt you will be able to afford them. Try craigslist casual encounters...plenty of pigs there will bang any pig that trundles their way!

Good luck!

This was a truly unnecessary post. Can you please explain what it brings to our overall discussion of the thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotional affairs happen all the time ........ not really a big deal. Even the definition of what constitutes an emotional affair can vary.

There was someone at work that I really related to and we used to share lots of fairly intimate information about our respective lives. There was nothing physical although there certainly was attraction for me. But once we moved jobs, the closeness gradually diminished. We are still in touch with each other but not as close by any means.

This happened to me. Going through a lousy marriage and difficult family life. Had a great connection with a wonderful women. Intelligent, sexy, attractive, fun to be with. At first it was really only as friends but lately I have been falling for her. My wife has left and we are working through a separation with 2 kids. But with my friend, we hug and my heart skips a beat. I feel her body wrapped around me and I feel like a teenager. I am alive after going thru the demise of a long marriage, 10 years of darkness and stress. I look forward to meeting this woman, it just makes my day happy. I tingle inside. But she has already moved on to new men. And now I feel hurt when nothing actually existed. I wasn't able to move on her, not yet separated, but now I want to feel alive again.

She has already moved to new men? After you dumped your wife and kids for her? Awww, that's too too sad. I bet she didn't want the leftovers of your marriage...

Don't worry! There are lots of women ready to make you feel alive again and rescue you from the doldrums of regular life and the stress of a family and 2 kids. Since you will be paying child support for 2 kids, though, I doubt you will be able to afford them. Try craigslist casual encounters...plenty of pigs there will bang any pig that trundles their way!

Good luck!

A guy is sad because the chick he wanted to bang dissed him. He and his wife are divorcing because of his desire to bang another woman. Now he's sad because bang chick moved on to lusher grazing and more fertile fields.

And me pointing those facts put makes you have a boo-boo?

It's ok, we all have Obamacare now- your butt hurt is covered!

This was a truly unnecessary post. Can you please explain what it brings to our overall discussion of the thread?