My dad's comments about my weight are truly making me dread his visit

[Anonymous]

9 days out from the visit and all I can think about his how I have not lost the baby weight (16 month old, so no excuses) and last time my dad came he told me I needed to do something about my weight.
I have literally laid out all my clothes for the visit, choosing my most slimming things, bought extra spanx so I have a clean pair for each outfit, planned my gym visits so he won't see me in my tight workout gear (I will come in back door and go right to bedroom), made sure we have unhealthy snacks laying around to prevent criticism. And now I just feel......sad. Sad that he comes twice a year and it has become all about hiding my fat from him. I will spend the whole time so self conscious. I will see him looking at my stomach, hear every comment as a criticism. Subtlety is not his strong suit.

And yes, underneath all this is sadness that I haven't lost the weight. Not just from the recent baby, but the others. So, I completely know he is right. I Need to do something about it. But him being right doesn't make me feel less sad about how his visit, for me, is now about this, instead of about watching him enjoy his grandchildren. I am a FT working mom of three awesome, sweet, generous kids, and I just wish I could feel that he saw all the good things I do every day, instead of just seeing my one major failing.

If anyone has any words of advice to help me change perspective, I would love to hear them.

[Anonymous]

I can't tell if he makes explicit comments or if this is implicit? If explicit, at least, you can tell him that you don't want to talk about it - and then proceed to leave the room each time he brings it up. He can talk about it all he wants but can't make you stay and listen.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the PP. the first time he mentions it, say clearly: I'm not discussing this topic. It's off limits. I will leave the room if you bring it up again. Say you appreciate the concern but it's not up for discussion. Finally, don't be so hard on yourself! It's tough to lose weight and live, and take care of kids, work etc. good luck.

[Anonymous]

You're a grownup. Is there any reason you can't stand up to your dad and flat out tell him? Something like... "Dad, I want your visit to be a positive one. The comments you made about my body/weight last time are hurtful, and will not be tolerated this time. I need you to respect me in my home. If you can manage this, please come - I hope we can have a great time. If not, please consider coming another time."

I had a difficult dad. I had a dad that would make implicit comments about my weight. It continued until I learned that I don't have to "obey" him anymore as his daughter, and as an adult, I could push back. It's not easy, but when you're adults the relationship between you and your parents should change. You're peers now - speak up and stand up for yourself.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. Is there any way you can tell him how hurtful that is? Or at least ask him not to talk that way in front of your children?

This is NOT about your weight; it's about his total lack of respect for a family member, and as a guest in your home, too.

[Anonymous]

Also, you are so much more than your weight. Your weight is not a "major failure." It's not ideal, but it doesn't define you or cancel out all of the great things about you.

[Anonymous]

"Thanks Dad, but I have it under control and it's not up for discussion."

[Anonymous]

OH MY GOD.

I can't imagine anyone being so damn cruel. It's not his body. Tell him to cut it out.

My husband's grandmother once told me being overweight was a sign of not only gluttony but of laziness. I told her if I had her life of gardening without housework and cooking 3 meals a day I'd probably be skinny too.

She never brought the subject up again.

[Anonymous]

Oh yes, I've been there, except it's my mother. She says: "My, your stomach is far too big!"
I am borderline underweight.

[Anonymous]

Instead of worrying yourself sick, stand up for yourself. He's your father but you are an adult now, you get to set boundaries for the behavior you will tolerate. I like the idea of telling him in advance, but if he says something to you in person don't skulk away or lower your eyes in shame- tell him you would never dream of speaking to him like that in his house and you are surprised he thought it was appropriate for him to address you that way in yours.

[Anonymous]

I have to ask, does he say it in a mean way or in a concerned way? As in he wants you to be healthy?

I do think you are internalizing this out of proportion unless he is going on and on about it. Which I don't get from your post.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered just losing weight?

[Anonymous]

I'd tell him exactly what you put in the thread title.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered just losing weight?

I don't think OP has ever considered that. Not once. Your insight here today may have changed her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered just losing weight?

You are a horrible person.