My dad's comments about my weight are truly making me dread his visit

[Anonymous]

OP, get a grip. Tell your dad to go f*ck himself if you need to. I get that from mom a lot, granted I'm morbidly obese, and she does stress the health concerns. I know it's imperative I lose some weight, but I don't like hearing it from other people. It's a personal, health matter, so I kindly ask her to shut up.

As a separate issue, if you need to lose weight, you need to lose weight. But it's a mistake to confuse this with your dad's behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, where is your spouse in all this? Because let me be clear: if anyone is making stupid comments to my spouse about their weight, that person would hear from me. "if you can't be respectful to my wife/husband, them I'll have to ask you to leave our home."

I think this is really weird when people expect others to speak for them, when they won't do it themselves. It's hard, but OP should be able to stand up for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it more than once, truly ongoing? Or was it a one-time thing?

My sister needs to lose weight (more than 40 lbs) and Mom wants to find a loving way to encourage her. How would you word it?

Write "stop. No" on duct tape. Place it over your mom's mouth when your sister visits.

Because there is no way to say this that isn't rude or overbearing. Your mom needs to MHOB.

Yes. There is no "loving way" to tell someone else to lose weight. If the person ASKS for help or encouragement or otherwise gives signs they'd like the family to back them up with something, then by all means do that. But if this person is happily living their life with 40 extra pounds the kind thing to do is to LOVE THEM with the 40 extra pounds and remember their body is not your body. Do not hide behind the concern troll "I am worried about your health". No. Just let them be. Anyone who is 40 lbs above where they want to be (if she wants to lose weight?) KNOWS IT and does not need anyone else to point it out.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can not hide your weight from your father. And trying to will only stress you out. Instead, be prepared for him to make a comment. Come back with "Dad, this body might not look perfect, but it birthed three pretty amazing children in X number of years. I am grateful everyday to it for getting them here safely. I will discuss my weight with you once your body has done the same incredible feat. Until then, please drop it." Smile, walk away. Any other mentions of ANYTHING get met with "remember? we're dropping this subject?" and then "no Dad, no".

[Anonymous]

OP, please do yourself the following favours:

a) google "dances with fat" and read the blog,

b) do not subject yourself to the torture of spanx,

c) wear the things that make you the most happy, not the most slimming ones,

d) draw a clear boundary with your Dad. Either he shuts up about your weight, or he doesn't get to interact with you. It's not his body, he doesn't get to have a vote or an opinion (that he voices out loud).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Oh yes, I've been there, except it's my mother. She says: "My, your stomach is far too big!"
I am borderline underweight.

I'd answer that with: "So is your mouth".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Thanks Dad, but I have it under control and it's not up for discussion."

Minus the thanks, this.

No need to be polite to a-holes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Ugh, OP. I get it. My father used to literally call me up and the first words out of his mouth were "How much do you weigh?"

There's something wrong with people like this. Seriously, they aren't right in the head. My father was a drunk who lost every dime he ever made, and my weight was some big moral failing?

See, as long he was thinking and talking about your weight, he didn't have to be thinking and talking about being a drunk who lost every dime he ever made.

That's how it works for these people.

It doesn't mean you need to keep them in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the PP. the first time he mentions it, say clearly: I'm not discussing this topic. It's off limits. I will leave the room if you bring it up again. Say you appreciate the concern but it's not up for discussion. Finally, don't be so hard on yourself! It's tough to lose weight and live, and take care of kids, work etc. good luck.

Uhm, good advice but no to the bolded.

It's her house. Why should she have to leave the room? The correct phrasing is: "You will leave my house if you bring it up again".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered just losing weight?

You're a douche.

[Anonymous]

I am loving almost all the responses on this thread.

Thank you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, where is your spouse in all this? Because let me be clear: if anyone is making stupid comments to my spouse about their weight, that person would hear from me. "if you can't be respectful to my wife/husband, them I'll have to ask you to leave our home."

I think this is really weird when people expect others to speak for them, when they won't do it themselves. It's hard, but OP should be able to stand up for herself.

Agree - WTF? OP, just say "comments on my appearance really aren't acceptable. If you can't refrain from making them, you need to leave."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, you are so much more than your weight. Your weight is not a "major failure." It's not ideal, but it doesn't define you or cancel out all of the great things about you.

I agree. But OP, can YOU learn to agree with the above statement too? Can you tell your dad just what's written above?

You won't be able to until you can figure out why it is still so vital to you, an adult, to please your criticizing parent. And why you, yourself, are so very critical of yourself for not meeting some ideal of how your outside shell should appear.

Are there other aspects of your life of which he is critical, or has been critical in the past? Does he place a lot of emphasis on looks -- and on looks for women, in particular? Is he the arbiter, in his own mind, of what looks good and IS good? Have you tried long before THIS one issue to please him, and kept failing, and kept trying?

Maybe this is the sole thing about which he's been a critical jerk, but sit down and really consider if this weight issue is just the latest version of a much longer cycle of dad criticizes something you are or something you choose, you try to please him, he continues to carp at you, you try to please, you worry about why you can't please him.....Things like this seldom come just as one-off issues but too often are part or larger patterns.

Might be time, if this is part of that larger pattern, to get some outside perspective from a counselor on letting go of trying to please and placate a critical parent.

As for this one trip, he needs to hear the very first time he makes even the most innocuous or jokey reference to weight that the topic is closed.

If he persists, I'd say firmly (and no tears, no attempts to explain your weight at all!):
"Apparently my weight is more interesting to you than your grandchild. How about you focus on your grandchild and let me worry about my own body?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dad is right my dad told me I was the biggest person in the family since a hundred years and he was right.beer every evening sedentary life has made me huge and if I don't work on it. An early-----.start eating healthy and running .you know when you sit down and your belly wants to reach your knees. It does not look good

huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're a grownup. Is there any reason you can't stand up to your dad and flat out tell him? Something like... "Dad, I want your visit to be a positive one. The comments you made about my body/weight last time are hurtful, and will not be tolerated this time. I need you to respect me in my home. If you can manage this, please come - I hope we can have a great time. If not, please consider coming another time."

I had a difficult dad. I had a dad that would make implicit comments about my weight. It continued until I learned that I don't have to "obey" him anymore as his daughter, and as an adult, I could push back. It's not easy, but when you're adults the relationship between you and your parents should change. You're peers now - speak up and stand up for yourself.

This.