Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country

[Anonymous]

If he grew up poor or at the mercy of family who educated him, that explains his behavior.

Not sure what else to say, but good luck, think of this as an adventure and prep yourself next time and don't go for more than 2 weeks.

My cousin's wife never goes to his village. Every 2 years he takes his kid for 2 weeks by himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. More pictures of inside the house. There is an ac in MILs room that is new. It is towards the top of the wall and has a cover over it. All the furniture has locks on them and they use keys to open everything. The property also has a series of padlocks to get out. The only entrance to the house also uses a padlock at night. There isn't a back door. There are two bathrooms. One is a full bath but no bathtub and another one is a half bath. My MIL probably thinks I am weird for taking pictures of the house.

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Oh boy OP - I am definitely in the "make an adventure of it now and make sure you're only there for two weeks next time" but I can see why you are feeling trapped and stressed.

I'm from India. Op's post made me realize that what is normal for me - like having keys in cupboards, locks for everything, waiting for hours for a doctor visit (this is kind of like emergency room visits in the US, but done daily) is weird for someone else not from the country. We have maids, servants, random people coming and going, so the lock thing probably started as a way to prevent theft

Her home does have a decent china cabinet, crockery, a sofa, dining table etc so they are not poor. It's just the clutter and other things that add up.

OP is a troll.

Jeff highlighted the trolls several OPs a day and tons of enticing and conflicting sock puppet responses to the fake posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was one of the people who had asked you to cook your food and to adjust. Seeing all your home pictures makes me realize that it would be difficult for a person who has never seen those kind of things to adjust. The pump, dish washing area, grill door, firewood etc.

I hope you and DH have a good talk before your next visit. Maybe he goes first and you and kids go for a shorter visit. Or he goes with kids and you join later.

Plan to visit some touristy spots instead of just staying in Faridpur. Or get a visa to any nearby country. You do the planning and get your husband on board.

Op here. We went to Turkey before arriving here. Honestly, I don't think I want to do any of the touristy stuff here. Sitting in traffic is a huge problem here. It kind of kills the joy. Dh would be worried about us navigating out of the airport. There aren't ubers here. Most of the drivers don't speak English. I just have to accept it's something we do every 5 or so years. It's hard for me and especially a pain that dh acts like I am a princess because I want to buy the kids Punjabis. The one thing I enjoy about coming here is shopping because it's cheap and because I want my kids to wear traditional Bengali clothes for holiday parties in the US. I rather buy from here instead of Amazon.

Check the Ip address and country, stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
From Jeff's daily rundown:

"The most active thread yesterday was titled, "Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country". The thread was originally posted in the "Off-Topic" forum but I moved it to the "Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)" forum. The original poster says that she and her family are visiting her husband's family in a country that is much less developed than the United States. They are staying with her husband's family in a house in which taking a warm shower requires mixing boiling hot water with cold water and using a bucket. There is no air conditioning or heat and stores that have the items they would like to purchase are a three-hour drive away. The original poster and her kids are miserable but her husband is not understanding of the challenges they are facing. The original poster is very upset with him and using this thread to vent. This thread has already reached 21 pages. There are posters who are not sympathetic to the original poster and generally criticized her attitude and provided advice regarding what they believe are easy things that she can do to adjust. Other posters are more supportive of her and critical of her husband. The original poster has previously posted other threads about her husband and travels to his native country which results in the original poster being recognized by others who linked to her earlier threads. There are a number of disputes about whether or not the original poster is a troll, with one poster even starting a thread asking this in the "Website Feedback" forum. As I said in that thread, the poster is posting from Bangladesh, the country to which posters identified her as referring.

🚩However, this morning I noticed that the original poster has done quite a bit of sock puppeting, mostly offering what appears to be third-person defenses of herself. The thread is full of repeated patterns in which the original poster complained about something, posters offered advice for improving whatever that is, the original poster then explains why the advice won't work, other posters criticize her, the original poster sock puppets a supportive message, and then the original poster again explains why the advice won't work.

The thread is also full of Indians, people related to Indians, or people who have been to India who believe that they have all the answers for the original poster. But, as with all other advice, the original poster is not receptive and is convinced that what applies to India is irrelevent to Bangladesh. Some posters engage with this thread as if it is some sort of mystery that they most solve. The city in which she is visiting was identified and posters provided the average daily temperatures, population statistics, and other information that they think shows the original poster is misstating the reality of conditions.

🚩Given the frequency with which the original poster has been posting — over 60 posts in 24 hours — it is clear that while the home in which she is staying may not have running warm water, heat, or a modern kitchen, it has a good Internet connection."


Come on, OP.
It's never good to sockpuppet your own posts -- especially when you're looking for support from us. 😕

Bump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. More pictures of inside the house. There is an ac in MILs room that is new. It is towards the top of the wall and has a cover over it. All the furniture has locks on them and they use keys to open everything. The property also has a series of padlocks to get out. The only entrance to the house also uses a padlock at night. There isn't a back door. There are two bathrooms. One is a full bath but no bathtub and another one is a half bath. My MIL probably thinks I am weird for taking pictures of the house.

https://ibb.co/GpBgRVd
https://ibb.co/My0vZbB
https://ibb.co/qjqd3Lg
https://ibb.co/tc4BG6P
https://ibb.co/yXNsXxG
https://ibb.co/7SyWXvj
https://ibb.co/rt1HmXq
https://ibb.co/yyRy8qV
https://ibb.co/NSdQS4z

Oh boy OP - I am definitely in the "make an adventure of it now and make sure you're only there for two weeks next time" but I can see why you are feeling trapped and stressed.

I'm from India. Op's post made me realize that what is normal for me - like having keys in cupboards, locks for everything, waiting for hours for a doctor visit (this is kind of like emergency room visits in the US, but done daily) is weird for someone else not from the country. We have maids, servants, random people coming and going, so the lock thing probably started as a way to prevent theft

Her home does have a decent china cabinet, crockery, a sofa, dining table etc so they are not poor. It's just the clutter and other things that add up.

OP is a troll.

Jeff highlighted the trolls several OPs a day and tons of enticing and conflicting sock puppet responses to the fake posts.

I'm the poster you replied to, not OP.

I'm having a change of heart regarding OP but she needs to stand up for herself.

[Anonymous]

You're right that your DH has a completely outdated view of Bangladesh.

I don't know why all the India posters are chiming in here. I have been to all three - Bangladesh, India, and Pakistan - and stayed with middle class, lower middle class, and (in my childhood) village middle class. The three countries have similar disparities. The "feel" of middle class or UMC city life is very different from rural/village life.

The pics OP has posted are very real, and reflect middle class RURAL life. Not typical city life for Bangladesh. My relatives were very similar to OP's ILs back in the 80s and 90s but have now moved to the cities where there are shopping malls, grocery stores, credit cards, nice restaurants, insta-worthy cafes, and even amusement parks. These are not just for the uber rich either.

Unfortunately OP, and the Indian posters, and painting Bangladesh to be this shithole of a country when it really has a lot of beauty and modernity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. More pictures of inside the house. There is an ac in MILs room that is new. It is towards the top of the wall and has a cover over it. All the furniture has locks on them and they use keys to open everything. The property also has a series of padlocks to get out. The only entrance to the house also uses a padlock at night. There isn't a back door. There are two bathrooms. One is a full bath but no bathtub and another one is a half bath. My MIL probably thinks I am weird for taking pictures of the house.

https://ibb.co/GpBgRVd
https://ibb.co/My0vZbB
https://ibb.co/qjqd3Lg
https://ibb.co/tc4BG6P
https://ibb.co/yXNsXxG
https://ibb.co/7SyWXvj
https://ibb.co/rt1HmXq
https://ibb.co/yyRy8qV
https://ibb.co/NSdQS4z

Oh boy OP - I am definitely in the "make an adventure of it now and make sure you're only there for two weeks next time" but I can see why you are feeling trapped and stressed.

I'm from India. Op's post made me realize that what is normal for me - like having keys in cupboards, locks for everything, waiting for hours for a doctor visit (this is kind of like emergency room visits in the US, but done daily) is weird for someone else not from the country. We have maids, servants, random people coming and going, so the lock thing probably started as a way to prevent theft

Her home does have a decent china cabinet, crockery, a sofa, dining table etc so they are not poor. It's just the clutter and other things that add up.

OP is a troll.

Jeff highlighted the trolls several OPs a day and tons of enticing and conflicting sock puppet responses to the fake posts.

I'm the poster you replied to, not OP.

I'm having a change of heart regarding OP but she needs to stand up for herself.

OP is having a blast posting fake, loony OPs and responses all over DCUM. Stir the pot some more Troll.

Thx for playing everyone!

[Anonymous]

Wow the SE Asian immigrant communities really like these themed troll posts.

Moved on over from the family section troll to relationship section troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't visit my husband's family until 5 years after we married in the US. They came here for the wedding. It was a cultural shock that my husband didn't prepare me for AT ALL. We arrived, and I had no idea I wouldn't have access to running shower water that's warm/ hot. I had to take bucket showers by combining boiled water with cold water. We stayed for a month so it's a huge pain. Hygiene is relaxed....... I rarely see anyone washing their hands with soap.. they use water... I can't prepare my own food here because it's way more complicated. There aren't washers and dryers, and kids get their clothes dirty frequently. DH also made a big deal about only taking TWO luggage for 4 people. I can't go anywhere alone because I don't speak the language and it would be very easy to get lost and not know how to find his family's house. They don't have AC or heaters, and we visit in the winter... there are openings in the door and windows to let in fresh air so it's always cold in the winter... feels like I am semi- camping... this is mainly a vent post... i probably sound like a snob, but it's so hard living like this for a month... dh is also annoying because he doesn't like going out when we are here due to traffic, but we are bored and HUNGRY.. eating boxed food i.e. noddles, pancakes get old after a week... the closest grocery store that has ready food i.e. chicken nuggets and stuff like that is 3 hours away.. I told DH I wanted to go to this store (similar to a western supermarket) when we were coming from the airport, and he kept saying they have grocery stores closer to his house... guess what? We went, and they don't have anything our kids will eat. I already knew this would happen because this isn't our first trip. I don't want to come across as entitled, but we are from a totally different background and need to feel comfortable and have food options.. it feels like he's going out of his way to not make us feel comfortable .... he's also making it a big deal we want to go out for clothes shopping. he's such a PITA

This reads like some lame Peace Corp lift from Reddit young adult “literature.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you have a DH problem more than a Bangladesh problem. Bangladeshi living is what it is, but you chose to marry a South Asian man and don't seem to want to admit that this is how they are. Cue all the DWs who are now gonna scream their DH would NEVER act like this blah blah, but as a member of this community, yeah the MAJORITY act like your DH.

They're super happy to come to the US for higher education, high paying jobs, and like the freedom of life in the US - dating, sex before marriage, picking out a white chick to marry. And once they marry they white chick, they are even ok living in a relatively egalitarian household bc that's what they see others around them doing + they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

And then when they go back home for 2 weeks or a month, it ALL reverts back to how it is back home and if that screws their wife/kids, that's 100% fine because they are sooooo much more concerned about what mommy/sisters think and are like - whatever my wife/kids will deal, I'll make it up to my wife when we're back in the US by buying her something nice.

At the end of the day, they don't want mommy/sisters to raise an eyebrow on ANYTHING or be displeased or questioning in ANY way. So if they've lived without a space heater for 50 years, fine, wife/kids can just deal with 50 degree temps even if they're not used to it bc in the US the heat kicks on in 50 degree nights. If mommy/sister think going out on the town and exploring and shopping is a waste of time because they ONLY have one month with their precious son/brother and just want to loving stare at him all day rather have him go out with his wife/kids for 3 hours a day - that's it, no one goes out.

Mind you this happens EVEN if the ILs are normal - as yours seem to be. Many ILs may not have a space heater bc they don't need it but if DH said - hey I'm buying one bc the wife/kids are constantly cold - they wouldn't say no or even judge; hell they may also end up liking the concept. Same with going out - they may not have any problem with you all going out every day for a few hours. Hell they may even enjoy it if you hire a private car, take everyone out shopping and treat them to a few things and they grab some pizza or Bangladeshi sweets or something on the way home. It may be a chance for them to expereince something in their own city they don't normally do.

But ultimately this is a culture that doesn't communicate well and works via guilt. DS feels soooo guilty that he's moved away from aging mom and soooo guilty that he isn't making the type of $ in the US that he can send them back 50k/yr to live the rich rich life in Bangladesh bc he has a mortgage to pay and kids to send to college. So instead these DSs then just dance around their parents bc they are soooo terrified of their parents being the slightest bit disapproving or even mystified.

It's super manly to put your mommy/sisters over your own wife and minor kids, but I've def seen this happen.

Maybe what is best for the United States would be:

- far less immigration.

Op here. We didn't have sex or do much before marriage. Stop labeling me as a white chick. It's degrading.

[Anonymous]

Maybe a 15 yo

[jsteele]

Anonymous wrote:
OP is having a blast posting fake, loony OPs and responses all over DCUM. Stir the pot some more Troll.

Thx for playing everyone!

Just to be clear, I am confident that the OP is really in Bangladesh and probably most of what she is describing is true. She has a long history of posting about her husband, his family, and prior trips to Bangladesh. If this is all invented, she probably needs to be nominated for fiction author of the year. My only gripe is that she sock puppeted some posts supporting herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're right that your DH has a completely outdated view of Bangladesh.

I don't know why all the India posters are chiming in here. I have been to all three - Bangladesh, India, and Pakistan - and stayed with middle class, lower middle class, and (in my childhood) village middle class. The three countries have similar disparities. The "feel" of middle class or UMC city life is very different from rural/village life.

The pics OP has posted are very real, and reflect middle class RURAL life. Not typical city life for Bangladesh. My relatives were very similar to OP's ILs back in the 80s and 90s but have now moved to the cities where there are shopping malls, grocery stores, credit cards, nice restaurants, insta-worthy cafes, and even amusement parks. These are not just for the uber rich either.

Unfortunately OP, and the Indian posters, and painting Bangladesh to be this shithole of a country when it really has a lot of beauty and modernity.

Yes they pop up on tons of generic image searches. Well done PP!

[Anonymous]

OP complains a lot and the sockpuppeting is dumb but I don’t think she’s a troll. The problem for her is that her husband’s family still lives a lower middle class lifestyle and it’s hard for someone who didn’t grow up in that environment to adjust. Most professional South Asian men who marry Western women would not take their wives back to live in these conditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're right that your DH has a completely outdated view of Bangladesh.

I don't know why all the India posters are chiming in here. I have been to all three - Bangladesh, India, and Pakistan - and stayed with middle class, lower middle class, and (in my childhood) village middle class. The three countries have similar disparities. The "feel" of middle class or UMC city life is very different from rural/village life.

The pics OP has posted are very real, and reflect middle class RURAL life. Not typical city life for Bangladesh. My relatives were very similar to OP's ILs back in the 80s and 90s but have now moved to the cities where there are shopping malls, grocery stores, credit cards, nice restaurants, insta-worthy cafes, and even amusement parks. These are not just for the uber rich either.

Unfortunately OP, and the Indian posters, and painting Bangladesh to be this shithole of a country when it really has a lot of beauty and modernity.

Op here but it's not rural. It's not a village. It's more like a suburb and looks more like a city than anything. There are tons of shops. Homes are close together. It's not Dhaka for sure but it's also not a village.
Dhaka also isn't modern by US standards. I like dhaka but the infrastructure is ancient. There are random piles of rock and sand on the sides of rodes. I see piles of bricks.