How to handle entitled/selfish teen?

[Anonymous]

My almost 15 yr old DD is taking things that belong to others in our household. She's taken our toddler's lunch with his name on it from the refrigerator and eaten it when she doesn't want to bring something else for lunch or already eaten hers. She will go into her sister's room and take her candy when she thinks no one will notice. She has been coming into my room to borrow my hair brush because she prefers it to hers, and this morning she took it with her to school, leaving me without.

Obviously, my discussions with her to correct this behavior have failed. What do I do?

[Anonymous]

Take and use things that belong to her, then talk about it with her when she comes to you upset about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take and use things that belong to her, then talk about it with her when she comes to you upset about it.

+1. This will probably be the most effective way for her to see how it feels. I'm sure you've already tried to talk and reason with her. Take something that she'll notice and miss. Favorite ear buds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take and use things that belong to her, then talk about it with her when she comes to you upset about it.

Grab a crate and gather things. Wear (hopefully stretching out in the breast area) her fav sweater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take and use things that belong to her, then talk about it with her when she comes to you upset about it.

+1. This will probably be the most effective way for her to see how it feels. I'm sure you've already tried to talk and reason with her. Take something that she'll notice and miss. Favorite ear buds?

I really hadn't considered this tit for tat approach. I don't particularly like the idea of modeling bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My almost 15 yr old DD is taking things that belong to others in our household. She's taken our toddler's lunch with his name on it from the refrigerator and eaten it when she doesn't want to bring something else for lunch or already eaten hers. She will go into her sister's room and take her candy when she thinks no one will notice. She has been coming into my room to borrow my hair brush because she prefers it to hers, and this morning she took it with her to school, leaving me without.

Obviously, my discussions with her to correct this behavior have failed. What do I do?

Wow, that's too much. Literally taking candy from a "baby", or in this case a toddler. Your DD has a larger issue here. Narcissistic? Is the toddler a half-sister? I only ask because of the large age gap, and maybe she is jealous? IDK - she sounds super selfish and seems to have no respect for anyone else's things.

OP - you say you have discussed this with her. What does she say when you confront her about her behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My almost 15 yr old DD is taking things that belong to others in our household. She's taken our toddler's lunch with his name on it from the refrigerator and eaten it when she doesn't want to bring something else for lunch or already eaten hers. She will go into her sister's room and take her candy when she thinks no one will notice. She has been coming into my room to borrow my hair brush because she prefers it to hers, and this morning she took it with her to school, leaving me without.

Obviously, my discussions with her to correct this behavior have failed. What do I do?

Wow, that's too much. Literally taking candy from a "baby", or in this case a toddler. Your DD has a larger issue here. Narcissistic? Is the toddler a half-sister? I only ask because of the large age gap, and maybe she is jealous? IDK - she sounds super selfish and seems to have no respect for anyone else's things.

OP - you say you have discussed this with her. What does she say when you confront her about her behavior?

I agree with this completely but don't know what to do about it. She is a good kid in many other ways but certainly always prioritizes herself over others. When spoken to about her behavior she says she "didn't know" or has some excuse about why it's okay. I thought I may have actually gotten through to her until this morning when she took my brush. I'm at a loss here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My almost 15 yr old DD is taking things that belong to others in our household. She's taken our toddler's lunch with his name on it from the refrigerator and eaten it when she doesn't want to bring something else for lunch or already eaten hers. She will go into her sister's room and take her candy when she thinks no one will notice. She has been coming into my room to borrow my hair brush because she prefers it to hers, and this morning she took it with her to school, leaving me without.

Obviously, my discussions with her to correct this behavior have failed. What do I do?

Wow, that's too much. Literally taking candy from a "baby", or in this case a toddler. Your DD has a larger issue here. Narcissistic? Is the toddler a half-sister? I only ask because of the large age gap, and maybe she is jealous? IDK - she sounds super selfish and seems to have no respect for anyone else's things.

OP - you say you have discussed this with her. What does she say when you confront her about her behavior?

I agree with this completely but don't know what to do about it. She is a good kid in many other ways but certainly always prioritizes herself over others. When spoken to about her behavior she says she "didn't know" or has some excuse about why it's okay. I thought I may have actually gotten through to her until this morning when she took my brush. I'm at a loss here.

She says she didn't know because she is inherently selfish and really just doesn't think about anybody else. I have a sister a bit like this. Uses other people's things and doesn't think twice about it. In her case, she doesn't think it's a big deal. But, OTH, she is also very caring and generous with her things.

Maybe try banning her from anyone else's bedroom unless she is given specific permission to enter. What are the consequences when she breaks household rules? I assume you have some rules. I guess you have to just treat this as breaking a household rule. I know it seems harsh, and if it was just a couple of times she's done something like this I would let it go, but it seems almost pathological with her.

I agree with another PP about treating her the same way. I wouldn't like to do this either, but sometimes, with people who are like this, the best way to show her how it feels to someone else is to treat her the same way.

Is she thoughtful in any way at all? If not, I would try to do something to help her cultivate generosity and sharing. Volunteering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with this completely but don't know what to do about it. She is a good kid in many other ways but certainly always prioritizes herself over others. When spoken to about her behavior she says she "didn't know" or has some excuse about why it's okay. I thought I may have actually gotten through to her until this morning when she took my brush. I'm at a loss here.

It seems to me that there are three options:

1. You do what she does.
2. Set rules. For example, every time she uses something somebody else needs, you will decline to provide her with something she needs, so she'll either have to provide it herself or go without; every time she eats the toddler's lunch, she will have to either pay for school lunch out of her own pocket or skip lunch; and so on.
3. Take away opportunities for her to do what she's been doing. Lock your room so she can't take your stuff, don't allow her into her sister's room, only let her use the refrigerator/pantry under your supervision. The argument here would be that the consequence of her untrustworthy behavior is that you will no longer trust her.

I favor #1, but you say that you don't want to model bad behavior. #2 seems likely to result in endless legalistic discussions about how you never explicitly said that she couldn't do x so it's not fair that you're doing y. #3 will be a huge inconvenience for you.

[Anonymous]

I would take away privileges vs. taking extreme approaches and find out what is behind the behavior? Is she jealous of the other kids? Perhaps spending some one-one time with her? I would take away tv, computer, etc. for 2 days each incident and let her know if she loses trust, stronger consequences will occur, like not getting her drivers license if she cannot act responsibly. There is usually a reason behind the behavior and I'd figure that out first.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is particularly unusual, my DD used to do the same sort of thing. They have this attitude that whatever belongs to us also belongs to them. You need to come up with consequences ahead of time and tell her the consequences so she will stop. And enforce them. She takes the toddler's lunch? She has to buy his lunch to replace it with an extra amount tacked on for each day she takes to do it. Take her sister's candy (candy in a bedroom? Not a good idea for many reasons) same thing. Make the consequences logical, appropriate and you'll only need to use them once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]I don't think this is particularly unusual, my DD used to do the same sort of thing[/b]. They have this attitude that whatever belongs to us also belongs to them. You need to come up with consequences ahead of time and tell her the consequences so she will stop. And enforce them. She takes the toddler's lunch? She has to buy his lunch to replace it with an extra amount tacked on for each day she takes to do it. Take her sister's candy (candy in a bedroom? Not a good idea for many reasons) same thing. Make the consequences logical, appropriate and you'll only need to use them once.

Thanks. I was wondering if this was somewhat typical teenage behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My almost 15 yr old DD is taking things that belong to others in our household. She's taken our toddler's lunch with his name on it from the refrigerator and eaten it when she doesn't want to bring something else for lunch or already eaten hers. She will go into her sister's room and take her candy when she thinks no one will notice. She has been coming into my room to borrow my hair brush because she prefers it to hers, and this morning she took it with her to school, leaving me without.

Obviously, my discussions with her to correct this behavior have failed. What do I do?

Wow, that's too much. Literally taking candy from a "baby", or in this case a toddler. Your DD has a larger issue here. Narcissistic? Is the toddler a half-sister? I only ask because of the large age gap, and maybe she is jealous? IDK - she sounds super selfish and seems to have no respect for anyone else's things.

OP - you say you have discussed this with her. What does she say when you confront her about her behavior?

I agree with this completely but don't know what to do about it. She is a good kid in many other ways but certainly always prioritizes herself over others. When spoken to about her behavior she says she "didn't know" or has some excuse about why it's okay. I thought I may have actually gotten through to her until this morning when she took my brush. I'm at a loss here.

OP again. Just spoke with her about taking my brush today and her claim again was she "didn't know" I needed it. Which is bs.

[Anonymous]

Attention seeking behavior. In her mind you value her younger siblings more.

She's not going to outright be nasty to them or you, but little things like eating their lunch and treats and taking your brush just enough to be noticed and be annoying.

You say she prioritizes her self over others ( not totally abnormal for a teen or anyone really) do you often expect her to give, give in or be flexible for her sisters? Do you give them things of hers and when she asks about it say " I didn't know you needed it"
i say this because I was the teen with much younger siblings and your daughter's behavior is a lot like mine. I wasn't the type of kid who would get into a shouting match with my mother but I didn't feel as valued compared to my siblings and I was expected to take on a lot of responsibility towards them and everything in the family had to revolve around the girls and if I wanted to do something different I was being selfish.

I still remember my mom allowing my sister to borrow my socks when she took them from me without asking. Because I wasn't using them and I shouldn't have taken it back from her and I was older so I should have known better etc. Ugh

Part of that was normal teenage growing pains, adjusting to a step dad and younger siblings, and part of it was me feeling as though I no longer mattered to my mom, and if I tried to tell her I felt she had favorites she would brush me aside. Lots of damage to our relationship. Thankfully we're in a good place now thanks to therapy and being a mom myself now I appreciate how stressful it can be.
Just thought I'd offer my perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Attention seeking behavior. In her mind you value her younger siblings more.

She's not going to outright be nasty to them or you, but little things like eating their lunch and treats and taking your brush just enough to be noticed and be annoying.

You say she prioritizes her self over others ( not totally abnormal for a teen or anyone really) do you often expect her to give, give in or be flexible for her sisters? Do you give them things of hers and when she asks about it say " I didn't know you needed it"
i say this because I was the teen with much younger siblings and your daughter's behavior is a lot like mine. I wasn't the type of kid who would get into a shouting match with my mother but I didn't feel as valued compared to my siblings and I was expected to take on a lot of responsibility towards them and everything in the family had to revolve around the girls and if I wanted to do something different I was being selfish.

I still remember my mom allowing my sister to borrow my socks when she took them from me without asking. Because I wasn't using them and I shouldn't have taken it back from her and I was older so I should have known better etc. Ugh

Part of that was normal teenage growing pains, adjusting to a step dad and younger siblings, and part of it was me feeling as though I no longer mattered to my mom, and if I tried to tell her I felt she had favorites she would brush me aside. Lots of damage to our relationship. Thankfully we're in a good place now thanks to therapy and being a mom myself now I appreciate how stressful it can be.
Just thought I'd offer my perspective.

+1

I'd recommend you seek family therapy.