How to handle entitled/selfish teen?

[Anonymous]

Totally off-topic, but why does a toddler have candy in her bedroom? I'm not opposed to giving little kids candy as a treat occasionally but keeping it in their bedrooms seems odd to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My almost 15 yr old DD is taking things that belong to others in our household. She's taken our toddler's lunch with his name on it from the refrigerator and eaten it when she doesn't want to bring something else for lunch or already eaten hers. She will go into her sister's room and take her candy when she thinks no one will notice. She has been coming into my room to borrow my hair brush because she prefers it to hers, and this morning she took it with her to school, leaving me without.

Obviously, my discussions with her to correct this behavior have failed. What do I do?

There seem to be some communication issues here, perhaps.

Is there a time or structure in your household when your DD can come to you and say "Can I get a new hairbrush, mom?" Or can she come to you and say "I don't like bringing my lunch, can I go to the cafeteria this year" or change up her lunch at the last minute? Is it "okay" to want an extra piece of candy or is that not allowed in your house?

I totally agree that it's wrong, wrong, wrong to invade your toddler sister's candy or take your hairbrush out of your room. But if she wants a new brush, why isn't she asking for one? Why isn't she asking for more candy, asking for a different lunch, or communicating her needs and wants? What's going on with her? Is it that there are too many "No's." Is she really inherently selfish and entitled? I mean, I've eaten my kids' halloween candy on the sly many times -- I prefer not to think of myself as selfish and entitled -- I just think of myself as sneaking a bit of candy. But I suppose someone could look at me that way. The point is, there seems to be a lot of sneaking going on, and I wonder why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous[b wrote:]I don't think this is particularly unusual, my DD used to do the same sort of thing[/b]. They have this attitude that whatever belongs to us also belongs to them. You need to come up with consequences ahead of time and tell her the consequences so she will stop. And enforce them. She takes the toddler's lunch? She has to buy his lunch to replace it with an extra amount tacked on for each day she takes to do it. Take her sister's candy (candy in a bedroom? Not a good idea for many reasons) same thing. Make the consequences logical, appropriate and you'll only need to use them once.

Thanks. I was wondering if this was somewhat typical teenage behavior.

I don't thnk it's that unusual either. ITA with this approach and will add--stop asking her "why" she does this. It honestly doesn't matter. It us rude and inconsiderate, full stop. She is taking things that don't belong to her and creating more work for others. It needs to stop. Let her know, explicitly, what will happen the next time she takes something that doesn't belong to her. Then apply consistently. Think of the consequences as paying people back for their inconvenience. Maybe she could pay back your time by making sister's lunches for the week. Or straight cash if that pinches more.

This too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

Certainly punish the behavior, but think about the pattern, especially since her reasons are bs.

She doesn't feel valued and she doesn't feel her boundaries are respected. So she is doing the same.


And, no candy in the bedrooms.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs that this seems like attention-seeking behavior. Are there other family dynamics going on, like as PPs have said, her potentially feeling less noticed than younger siblings, that could be contributing to this? Not saying this makes it okay at all, but some of my most vivid positive memories as a sensitive teen are times when my mom really tried to cut through my HS and understand why I was acting a certain way. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I would just buy her the same brush as you. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

It very much does matter why.
Parenting isn't all about laying down the law and how hard you can swing the hammer and show who is boss.
Just punishing her without getting to the reason behind the action won't due you any good.
This is especially true if her daughter believes her mother to be showing favoritism.

Yes doing what she is doing is wrong, but taking away her phone, ipad, or having her make her siblings food isn't going to get to root cause.

However, it will confirm her belief that her siblings are more important to her mom than she is.

[Anonymous]

Does she have any kind of allowance or other access to funds? If so, my rule would be, you take, you replace. Even if it's something she could simply return, like your hairbrush. So she buys you a new hairbrush, she buys her sister new candy, etc. For things that can't be purchased, like the prepared lunch for the toddler, she has to remake it (even if it's past lunch time, just go through the exercise). Right now it sounds like she's going along pretty consequence-free for this stuff, so of course she's not going to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is particularly unusual, my DD used to do the same sort of thing. They have this attitude that whatever belongs to us also belongs to them. You need to come up with consequences ahead of time and tell her the consequences so she will stop. And enforce them. She takes the toddler's lunch? She has to buy his lunch to replace it with an extra amount tacked on for each day she takes to do it. Take her sister's candy (candy in a bedroom? Not a good idea for many reasons) same thing. Make the consequences logical, appropriate and you'll only need to use them once.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It very much does matter why.
Parenting isn't all about laying down the law and how hard you can swing the hammer and show who is boss.
Just punishing her without getting to the reason behind the action won't due you any good.
This is especially true if her daughter believes her mother to be showing favoritism.

Yes doing what she is doing is wrong, but taking away her phone, ipad, or having her make her siblings food isn't going to get to root cause.

However, it will confirm her belief that her siblings are more important to her mom than she is.

This is so wise.

I'm a school counselor in high school and I can almost guarantee that your daughter is reacting to the dynamic between you and the younger children. It's so disheartening to come on this forum where parents act as though they've been model parents and they have bratty kids who do x, y or z and the response is to punish, punish, punish. Why not look at how YOU are treating HER for your answer as to why she is acting out.

I know it isn't what you want to hear but that's the heart of it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am curious if DD was like this when she was younger or if this is a new behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It very much does matter why.
Parenting isn't all about laying down the law and how hard you can swing the hammer and show who is boss.
Just punishing her without getting to the reason behind the action won't due you any good.
This is especially true if her daughter believes her mother to be showing favoritism.

Yes doing what she is doing is wrong, but taking away her phone, ipad, or having her make her siblings food isn't going to get to root cause.

However, it will confirm her belief that her siblings are more important to her mom than she is.

This is so wise.

I'm a school counselor in high school and I can almost guarantee that your daughter is reacting to the dynamic between you and the younger children. It's so disheartening to come on this forum where parents act as though they've been model parents and they have bratty kids who do x, y or z and the response is to punish, punish, punish. Why not look at how YOU are treating HER for your answer as to why she is acting out.

I know it isn't what you want to hear but that's the heart of it.

Oh please. The younger ones NEED more attention from the parents. Fairness doesn't mean treating everyone exactly the same.

[Anonymous]

DD should not just be required to not take the younger kids stuff. She should be required to actively help care for the younger kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It very much does matter why.
Parenting isn't all about laying down the law and how hard you can swing the hammer and show who is boss.
Just punishing her without getting to the reason behind the action won't due you any good.
This is especially true if her daughter believes her mother to be showing favoritism.

Yes doing what she is doing is wrong, but taking away her phone, ipad, or having her make her siblings food isn't going to get to root cause.

However, it will confirm her belief that her siblings are more important to her mom than she is.

This is so wise.

I'm a school counselor in high school and I can almost guarantee that your daughter is reacting to the dynamic between you and the younger children. It's so disheartening to come on this forum where parents act as though they've been model parents and they have bratty kids who do x, y or z and the response is to punish, punish, punish. Why not look at how YOU are treating HER for your answer as to why she is acting out.

I know it isn't what you want to hear but that's the heart of it.

Oh please. The younger ones NEED more attention from the parents. Fairness doesn't mean treating everyone exactly the same. [/quote]

Oh Please. You clearly didn't grow up in a house with favorites. Of course young ones have more physical needs, but that doesn't make the older one Cinderella. None of us know what is going on in this house, but clearly the dynamic is off or the older one wouldn't be acting out. Even if she is just plain selfish, she is still a kid who needs care and nurturing as she grows up. Still a kid. I am finding that my teen is far more needy than he was when a little kid.

[Anonymous]

I repeat:

STILL A KID.