How to handle entitled/selfish teen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It very much does matter why.
Parenting isn't all about laying down the law and how hard you can swing the hammer and show who is boss.
Just punishing her without getting to the reason behind the action won't due you any good.
This is especially true if her daughter believes her mother to be showing favoritism.

Yes doing what she is doing is wrong, but taking away her phone, ipad, or having her make her siblings food isn't going to get to root cause.

However, it will confirm her belief that her siblings are more important to her mom than she is.

This is so wise.

I'm a school counselor in high school and I can almost guarantee that your daughter is reacting to the dynamic between you and the younger children. It's so disheartening to come on this forum where parents act as though they've been model parents and they have bratty kids who do x, y or z and the response is to punish, punish, punish. Why not look at how YOU are treating HER for your answer as to why she is acting out.

I know it isn't what you want to hear but that's the heart of it.

I'm the PP whose DD went through this and I think you're wrong. First of all, natural consequences isn't quite the same thing as punishment. You take the lunch, you replace the lunch. You don't give her negative attention by talk talk talking to her.

I do not have a toddler and my DD was getting PLENTY of attention and she still helped herself to whatever she wanted. She just felt like everything in the house was her's and even though I spoke to her about it, it had become an engrained habit. It wasn't even that conscious. Oh, I'm out of shirts but I'll just wander over to Mom's room and see what works. I used to do the same thing when I was a teen. I really do think its normal. And when you create natural consequences you cause them to pause for one moment for a change and think about what they are doing. Oh yeah, if I take that lunch I'll have to replace it, its not worth it.

PP, you are overthinking this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It very much does matter why.
Parenting isn't all about laying down the law and how hard you can swing the hammer and show who is boss.
Just punishing her without getting to the reason behind the action won't due you any good.
This is especially true if her daughter believes her mother to be showing favoritism.

Yes doing what she is doing is wrong, but taking away her phone, ipad, or having her make her siblings food isn't going to get to root cause.

However, it will confirm her belief that her siblings are more important to her mom than she is.

This is so wise.

I'm a school counselor in high school and I can almost guarantee that your daughter is reacting to the dynamic between you and the younger children. It's so disheartening to come on this forum where parents act as though they've been model parents and they have bratty kids who do x, y or z and the response is to punish, punish, punish. Why not look at how YOU are treating HER for your answer as to why she is acting out.

I know it isn't what you want to hear but that's the heart of it.

Oh please. The younger ones NEED more attention from the parents. Fairness doesn't mean treating everyone exactly the same.

Anybody who believes that a teenager does not need as much attention as a toddler really is misguided. There no other word for it, misguided. And foolish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It very much does matter why.
Parenting isn't all about laying down the law and how hard you can swing the hammer and show who is boss.
Just punishing her without getting to the reason behind the action won't due you any good.
This is especially true if her daughter believes her mother to be showing favoritism.

Yes doing what she is doing is wrong, but taking away her phone, ipad, or having her make her siblings food isn't going to get to root cause.

However, it will confirm her belief that her siblings are more important to her mom than she is.

This is so wise.

I'm a school counselor in high school and I can almost guarantee that your daughter is reacting to the dynamic between you and the younger children. It's so disheartening to come on this forum where parents act as though they've been model parents and they have bratty kids who do x, y or z and the response is to punish, punish, punish. Why not look at how YOU are treating HER for your answer as to why she is acting out.

I know it isn't what you want to hear but that's the heart of it.

I'm the PP whose DD went through this and I think you're wrong. First of all, natural consequences isn't quite the same thing as punishment. You take the lunch, you replace the lunch. You don't give her negative attention by talk talk talking to her.

I do not have a toddler and my DD was getting PLENTY of attention and she still helped herself to whatever she wanted. She just felt like everything in the house was her's and even though I spoke to her about it, it had become an engrained habit. It wasn't even that conscious. Oh, I'm out of shirts but I'll just wander over to Mom's room and see what works. I used to do the same thing when I was a teen. I really do think its normal. And when you create natural consequences you cause them to pause for one moment for a change and think about what they are doing. Oh yeah, if I take that lunch I'll have to replace it, its not worth it.

PP, you are overthinking this.

Obviously I wasn't talking to you when I said punish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It very much does matter why.
Parenting isn't all about laying down the law and how hard you can swing the hammer and show who is boss.
Just punishing her without getting to the reason behind the action won't due you any good.
This is especially true if her daughter believes her mother to be showing favoritism.

Yes doing what she is doing is wrong, but taking away her phone, ipad, or having her make her siblings food isn't going to get to root cause.

However, it will confirm her belief that her siblings are more important to her mom than she is.

This is so wise.

I'm a school counselor in high school and I can almost guarantee that your daughter is reacting to the dynamic between you and the younger children. It's so disheartening to come on this forum where parents act as though they've been model parents and they have bratty kids who do x, y or z and the response is to punish, punish, punish. Why not look at how YOU are treating HER for your answer as to why she is acting out.

I know it isn't what you want to hear but that's the heart of it.

I'm the PP whose DD went through this and I think you're wrong. First of all, natural consequences isn't quite the same thing as punishment. You take the lunch, you replace the lunch. You don't give her negative attention by talk talk talking to her.

I do not have a toddler and my DD was getting PLENTY of attention and she still helped herself to whatever she wanted. She just felt like everything in the house was her's and even though I spoke to her about it, it had become an engrained habit. It wasn't even that conscious. Oh, I'm out of shirts but I'll just wander over to Mom's room and see what works. I used to do the same thing when I was a teen. I really do think its normal. And when you create natural consequences you cause them to pause for one moment for a change and think about what they are doing. Oh yeah, if I take that lunch I'll have to replace it, its not worth it.

PP, you are overthinking this.

Obviously I wasn't talking to you when I said punish.

But in retrospect, if you don't want to build your relationship by talking (as you stated) then you aren't going to work things out too well.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all so much for the comments and suggestions. I'm going to go back and review them again.

Let me clear up a few things. My teenage DD's younger sister is 12. She has candy in her room because their grandparents travel all over the world and send them "care packages", at times with a few pieces of German candy or the like. We do allow them to keep those things in their room (the older girls, not the toddler who does not receive or eat candy). My DD will go into her younger sisters room and take hers, once she's finished her own.

My youngest, DS, is a toddler, My teenage DD will take the lunch I've already prepared for him after she's eaten the same lunch I've prepared for her. So, none of this is a matter of her getting slighted - she's already been given the same things, and is going for the other children's things once she's used/eaten her own.

I offered to buy teenage DD the same hair brush I have, but it's only been a couple of days since she decided she liked mine better so I haven't had an opportunity to get it for her yet. She took mine knowing I didn't have another.

I asked her if she felt slighted or like I was paying more attention to the younger kids and she says she honestly just "didn't think" in these situations and that in the future she would be sure to ask/better communicate. I agree with with the PP that a bit of family therapy may be in order.

[Anonymous]

How is she not spoiled?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all so much for the comments and suggestions. I'm going to go back and review them again.

Let me clear up a few things. My teenage DD's younger sister is 12. She has candy in her room because their grandparents travel all over the world and send them "care packages", at times with a few pieces of German candy or the like. We do allow them to keep those things in their room (the older girls, not the toddler who does not receive or eat candy). My DD will go into her younger sisters room and take hers, once she's finished her own.

My youngest, DS, is a toddler, My teenage DD will take the lunch I've already prepared for him after she's eaten the same lunch I've prepared for her. So, none of this is a matter of her getting slighted - she's already been given the same things, and is going for the other children's things once she's used/eaten her own.

I offered to buy teenage DD the same hair brush I have, but it's only been a couple of days since she decided she liked mine better so I haven't had an opportunity to get it for her yet. She took mine knowing I didn't have another.

I asked her if she felt slighted or like I was paying more attention to the younger kids and she says she honestly just "didn't think" in these situations and that in the future she would be sure to ask/better communicate. I agree with with the PP that a bit of family therapy may be in order.

So on the "ask her why" wavelength, ask her to figure out why she thinks she's entitled to other people's things when she is finished her own. Don't just ask, require a thought out answer.

If she wants a brush like yours, fine. I just wonder what her next excuse will be.

My own was like this, now at 24 he still "borrows" what isn't his and one of these days will face theft charges. Why? Who knows, he just seems to think he's entitled to whatever he wants.

[Anonymous]

Why are you preparing her lunch? At age 15? Now THAT's entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm...do you think she might be having problems controlling her impulses? "I dont know why I do x,y or z" to me sounds like she needs to learn self control skills

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/got-impulse-control

The article below discusses impulsivity and the teen brain. My apologies for its brief mention of juvenile offenders...but I think its still a helpful read for understanding teens..

http://www.nbcnews.com/id/21997683/ns/health-childrens_health/t/teens-brains-hold-key-their-impulsiveness/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My almost 15 yr old DD is taking things that belong to others in our household. She's taken our toddler's lunch with his name on it from the refrigerator and eaten it when she doesn't want to bring something else for lunch or already eaten hers. She will go into her sister's room and take her candy when she thinks no one will notice. She has been coming into my room to borrow my hair brush because she prefers it to hers, and this morning she took it with her to school, leaving me without.

Obviously, my discussions with her to correct this behavior have failed. What do I do?

Wow, that's too much. Literally taking candy from a "baby", or in this case a toddler. Your DD has a larger issue here. Narcissistic? Is the toddler a half-sister? I only ask because of the large age gap, and maybe she is jealous? IDK - she sounds super selfish and seems to have no respect for anyone else's things.

OP - you say you have discussed this with her. What does she say when you confront her about her behavior?

I agree with this completely but don't know what to do about it. She is a good kid in many other ways but certainly always prioritizes herself over others. When spoken to about her behavior she says she "didn't know" or has some excuse about why it's okay. I thought I may have actually gotten through to her until this morning when she took my brush. I'm at a loss here.

OP again. Just spoke with her about taking my brush today and her claim again was she "didn't know" I needed it. Which is bs.

And it doesn't matter whether you need it. Don't let her have that premise.

[Anonymous]

You're using the wrong word to describe your daughter. She's a THIEF. When you take something from someone that doesn't belong to you, it's STEALING.

And if she's getting away with it at home, I guarantee she is and will steal when not at home.

I stopped my daughter from doing this by going through her things regularly including a daily look through her purse and backpack. One day someone stole something from her and she came home screaming I HATE A THIEF. I said now you know what we feel. It's like a bulb went off and she quit stealing after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're using the wrong word to describe your daughter. She's a THIEF. When you take something from someone that doesn't belong to you, it's STEALING.

And if she's getting away with it at home, I guarantee she is and will steal when not at home.

I stopped my daughter from doing this by going through her things regularly including a daily look through her purse and backpack. One day someone stole something from her and she came home screaming I HATE A THIEF. I said now you know what we feel. It's like a bulb went off and she quit stealing after that.

Oh please, this is an over reaction. You didn't wear your mom's clothes sometime without her permission?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It very much does matter why.
Parenting isn't all about laying down the law and how hard you can swing the hammer and show who is boss.
Just punishing her without getting to the reason behind the action won't due you any good.
This is especially true if her daughter believes her mother to be showing favoritism.

Yes doing what she is doing is wrong, but taking away her phone, ipad, or having her make her siblings food isn't going to get to root cause.

However, it will confirm her belief that her siblings are more important to her mom than she is.

This is so wise.

I'm a school counselor in high school and I can almost guarantee that your daughter is reacting to the dynamic between you and the younger children. It's so disheartening to come on this forum where parents act as though they've been model parents and they have bratty kids who do x, y or z and the response is to punish, punish, punish. Why not look at how YOU are treating HER for your answer as to why she is acting out.

I know it isn't what you want to hear but that's the heart of it.

Oh please. The younger ones NEED more attention from the parents. Fairness doesn't mean treating everyone exactly the same.

Anybody who believes that a teenager does not need as much attention as a toddler really is misguided. There no other word for it, misguided. And foolish.

No, she doesn't require constant oversight to make sure she's still alive. Are you insane or just difficult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It very much does matter why.
Parenting isn't all about laying down the law and how hard you can swing the hammer and show who is boss.
Just punishing her without getting to the reason behind the action won't due you any good.
This is especially true if her daughter believes her mother to be showing favoritism.

Yes doing what she is doing is wrong, but taking away her phone, ipad, or having her make her siblings food isn't going to get to root cause.

However, it will confirm her belief that her siblings are more important to her mom than she is.

This is so wise.

I'm a school counselor in high school and I can almost guarantee that your daughter is reacting to the dynamic between you and the younger children. It's so disheartening to come on this forum where parents act as though they've been model parents and they have bratty kids who do x, y or z and the response is to punish, punish, punish. Why not look at how YOU are treating HER for your answer as to why she is acting out.

I know it isn't what you want to hear but that's the heart of it.

Oh please. The younger ones NEED more attention from the parents. Fairness doesn't mean treating everyone exactly the same.

Anybody who believes that a teenager does not need as much attention as a toddler really is misguided. There no other word for it, misguided. And foolish.

No, she doesn't require constant oversight to make sure she's still alive. Are you insane or just difficult?

You go ahead and keep thinking that. Something tells me you are going to be in for a big surprise when this all comes to a boil.
.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all so much for the comments and suggestions. I'm going to go back and review them again.

Let me clear up a few things. My teenage DD's younger sister is 12. She has candy in her room because their grandparents travel all over the world and send them "care packages", at times with a few pieces of German candy or the like. We do allow them to keep those things in their room (the older girls, not the toddler who does not receive or eat candy). My DD will go into her younger sisters room and take hers, once she's finished her own.

My youngest, DS, is a toddler, My teenage DD will take the lunch I've already prepared for him after she's eaten the same lunch I've prepared for her. So, none of this is a matter of her getting slighted - she's already been given the same things, and is going for the other children's things once she's used/eaten her own.

I offered to buy teenage DD the same hair brush I have, but it's only been a couple of days since she decided she liked mine better so I haven't had an opportunity to get it for her yet. She took mine knowing I didn't have another.

I asked her if she felt slighted or like I was paying more attention to the younger kids and she says she honestly just "didn't think" in these situations and that in the future she would be sure to ask/better communicate. I agree with with the PP that a bit of family therapy may be in order.

Eating disorder?