s/o the s/o thread... On the "outsourcing" of sex

[Anonymous]

I've been reading some of these threads, especially the one about spouses who are not providing emotional and physical support to their partners.

This is not really a flip question.. I'm genuinely curiously hear responses. Yes, the question is certainly provocative, but I always thing it's interesting for people to face their own biases.

If you are unwilling to provide your partner sex, why is it such a problem for them to outsource (so to speak) to another person? Many things in many households, which are considered important are outsourced in order to keep the peace/ ease responsibility: food prep, child care, cleaning, etc. but it's absolutely verboten to consider sex a need that needs to be filled.

Why, if sex is not that important TO YOU (but to your partner), is it such a taboo that they meet that need elsewhere? If you agree that it's something sacred in a relationship, why do you deny it to your partner?

I'm a female, and I agree that my body is not "at the disposal" of my DH. That being said, if I didn't feed him for a week, is expect him to find food. Likewise water. Sex is identified as a hierarchical need- so how can we meet that need or ensure it's met? It outsourcing such a problem if you refuse to meet that need?

[Anonymous]

I'm not married but I dont plan on sleeping with my husband a lot when I get married. I can get myself off whenever I feel like it and generally find that guys are pretty clueless during sex.

If I met someone who was a master in the bedroom, maybe my opinion would change.

But if it doesnt, I can get myself off and expect husband to do the same.

If he wants to step out of the marriage I really dont care as long as it doesnt affect the resources he gives to me and the children,

And I would think he was pathetic for needing to do that, but whatever.. men are dogs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not married but I dont plan on sleeping with my husband a lot when I get married. I can get myself off whenever I feel like it and generally find that guys are pretty clueless during sex.

If I met someone who was a master in the bedroom, maybe my opinion would change.

But if it doesnt, I can get myself off and expect husband to do the same.

If he wants to step out of the marriage I really dont care as long as it doesnt affect the resources he gives to me and the children,

And I would think he was pathetic for needing to do that, but whatever.. men are dogs.

You sound like a real catch.

[Anonymous]

I'm a DH with a DW who doesn't want to have sex that frequently. "Outsourcing" wouldn't work in my case because what I get out of sex wouldn't really work outside of the context of a relationship. I want (willing, desired) sex from my wife because it's an expression of love and appreciation from her to me. If I just want an orgasm, I can work that out on my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not married but I dont plan on sleeping with my husband a lot when I get married. I can get myself off whenever I feel like it and generally find that guys are pretty clueless during sex.

If I met someone who was a master in the bedroom, maybe my opinion would change.

But if it doesnt, I can get myself off and expect husband to do the same.

If he wants to step out of the marriage I really dont care as long as it doesnt affect the resources he gives to me and the children,

And I would think he was pathetic for needing to do that, but whatever.. men are dogs.

I hope you never marry. The poor guy...

[Anonymous]

I'm a DW with a low libido but I make it a point to have (and initiate) regular sex with my DH because I know it's important to him. Outsourcing wouldn't work with my DH because for him sex is a main way that he bonds or shows his love for me. It's not just about having an orgasm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DH with a DW who doesn't want to have sex that frequently. "Outsourcing" wouldn't work in my case because what I get out of sex wouldn't really work outside of the context of a relationship. I want (willing, desired) sex from my wife because it's an expression of love and appreciation from her to me. If I just want an orgasm, I can work that out on my own.

Okay, so let's consider an AP for you who will make you feel loved and desired, so you can fulfill that, but still be a good father and spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not married but I dont plan on sleeping with my husband a lot when I get married. I can get myself off whenever I feel like it and generally find that guys are pretty clueless during sex.

If I met someone who was a master in the bedroom, maybe my opinion would change.

But if it doesnt, I can get myself off and expect husband to do the same.

If he wants to step out of the marriage I really dont care as long as it doesnt affect the resources he gives to me and the children,

And I would think he was pathetic for needing to do that, but whatever.. men are dogs.

I hope you never marry. The poor guy...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not married but I dont plan on sleeping with my husband a lot when I get married. I can get myself off whenever I feel like it and generally find that guys are pretty clueless during sex.

If I met someone who was a master in the bedroom, maybe my opinion would change.

But if it doesnt, I can get myself off and expect husband to do the same.

If he wants to step out of the marriage I really dont care as long as it doesnt affect the resources he gives to me and the children,

And I would think he was pathetic for needing to do that, but whatever.. men are dogs.

I hope you never marry. The poor guy...

Sex is not my love language and I just dont understand the neediness around it.

If I'm not having good, passionate sex... I dont want it at all. I foresee that having kids around would be a big impediment to that happening and I'm okay with it. It seems to me like anyone with half a brain should also understand this.

Now, if DH wants to fly me to a cozy bed and breakfast and make love all night, that would work.

But duty sex? Nah. Not a fan.

[Anonymous]

It all depends.

If you're talking about a couple who has agreed that they will not be sexually monogamous, I don't have a problem with it in the abstract. I don't think that a relationship like that would work for me, but I know people who have open marriages (with ground rules and good communication) that work really well.

If you're talking about a couple who do not have sex as often as one partner wants and that partner seeks sex outside the marriage without consent from the low desire partner, that isn't okay. The LD partner should be allowed to decide whether they want to a) work on the sex issue, b) end the marriage or c) open up the marriage. The HD spouse finding another sex partner takes that decision away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DH with a DW who doesn't want to have sex that frequently. "Outsourcing" wouldn't work in my case because what I get out of sex wouldn't really work outside of the context of a relationship. I want (willing, desired) sex from my wife because it's an expression of love and appreciation from her to me. If I just want an orgasm, I can work that out on my own.

Okay, so let's consider an AP for you who will make you feel loved and desired, so you can fulfill that, but still be a good father and spouse.

You're not getting it. The PP wants to feel loved and desired by HIS WIFE. Outsourcing to some other woman will not make him feel loved and desired by HIS WIFE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not married but I dont plan on sleeping with my husband a lot when I get married. I can get myself off whenever I feel like it and generally find that guys are pretty clueless during sex.

If I met someone who was a master in the bedroom, maybe my opinion would change.

But if it doesnt, I can get myself off and expect husband to do the same.

If he wants to step out of the marriage I really dont care as long as it doesnt affect the resources he gives to me and the children,

And I would think he was pathetic for needing to do that, but whatever.. men are dogs.

Good sex with a partner can transform your life. Highly recommend you wait until you find someone who makes you want it with them almost uncontrollably. Baring that, please tell your future spouse that you prefer self satisfaction to marital satisfaction, so he's not surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DH with a DW who doesn't want to have sex that frequently. "Outsourcing" wouldn't work in my case because what I get out of sex wouldn't really work outside of the context of a relationship. I want (willing, desired) sex from my wife because it's an expression of love and appreciation from her to me. If I just want an orgasm, I can work that out on my own.

Okay, so let's consider an AP for you who will make you feel loved and desired, so you can fulfill that, but still be a good father and spouse.

You're not getting it. The PP wants to feel loved and desired by HIS WIFE. Outsourcing to some other woman will not make him feel loved and desired by HIS WIFE.

Not the PP, but I got that. I just don't think that his experience is responsive to the situation because he wouldn't outsource anyway. The OP wanted to know about people who WOULD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not married but I dont plan on sleeping with my husband a lot when I get married. I can get myself off whenever I feel like it and generally find that guys are pretty clueless during sex.

If I met someone who was a master in the bedroom, maybe my opinion would change.

But if it doesnt, I can get myself off and expect husband to do the same.

If he wants to step out of the marriage I really dont care as long as it doesnt affect the resources he gives to me and the children,

And I would think he was pathetic for needing to do that, but whatever.. men are dogs.

Read 12:08 and think twice about marrying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It all depends.

If you're talking about a couple who has agreed that they will not be sexually monogamous, I don't have a problem with it in the abstract. I don't think that a relationship like that would work for me, but I know people who have open marriages (with ground rules and good communication) that work really well.

If you're talking about a couple who do not have sex as often as one partner wants and that partner seeks sex outside the marriage without consent from the low desire partner, that isn't okay. The LD partner should be allowed to decide whether they want to a) work on the sex issue, b) end the marriage or c) open up the marriage. The HD spouse finding another sex partner takes that decision away.

But why are the keys solely in the hands of the low drive partner? If they are refusing at responsibility, should it not be up to the high drive to have their need met?

Most LD partners are given the choice, if you've read half the posts on here. They don't want sex (and make it clear), but are pissed to find their partner having an affair. So what's the resolution?


Eg. If I'm hungry, I don't expect DH to make me a snacks he's not.

[Anonymous]

Outsourcing sex = DIVORCE

Word to the sex fiends, there is more to a marriage than marathon humping. You want results without the infection, HANDle it.