s/o the s/o thread... On the "outsourcing" of sex

[Anonymous]

I agree with with the PP above me. If you want that sort of relationship, where you can outsource sex that is called a polygamous relationship. It works for some couples, but only if it is discussed and not gone about behind your partner's back. You and your partner need to be a partnership.

Have open communication to discover your needs. If you are not on the same page, perhaps it is time for you to find another partner or for yours to voluntarily leave you.

Going about it without conversation and behind the back is violating of their trust, one of the fundamentals of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

^food is not a human being. Food is not a independently thinking organism with thoughts and feeling of their own, that you make vows too. What a horrible analogy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Outsourcing sex = DIVORCE

Word to the sex fiends, there is more to a marriage than marathon humping. You want results without the infection, HANDle it.

x2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outsourcing sex = DIVORCE

Word to the sex fiends, there is more to a marriage than marathon humping. You want results without the infection, HANDle it.

x2

But this is my point exactly.

If sex is important to your partner as an emotional connection, and you view it as no more than marathon humping, why is them finding it outside so clear cut worthy of divorce? If it's worth a divorce, wouldn't uou help that need be met?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outsourcing sex = DIVORCE

Word to the sex fiends, there is more to a marriage than marathon humping. You want results without the infection, HANDle it.

x2

But this is my point exactly.

If sex is important to your partner as an emotional connection, and you view it as no more than marathon humping, why is them finding it outside so clear cut worthy of divorce? If it's worth a divorce, wouldn't uou help that need be met?

There are lots of things that are important to me, that my spouse doesnt do. As a SAHM, I would love if my husband would play with the kids more, make more money, do more chores- but part of being in a marriage is you dont get to just pick an ultimatum and say arbitrarily, "You MUST do this or I dont feel loved and our marriage is over!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outsourcing sex = DIVORCE

Word to the sex fiends, there is more to a marriage than marathon humping. You want results without the infection, HANDle it.

x2

But this is my point exactly.

If sex is important to your partner as an emotional connection, and you view it as no more than marathon humping, why is them finding it outside so clear cut worthy of divorce? If it's worth a divorce, wouldn't uou help that need be met?

Because they did it without discussing with you first. They did it while bringing to you the risk of STDs and OW pregnancy. Sit down, have a discussion and agree on an open marriage if that will benefit you. If both people cannot agree, they need to separate. But at least you were open and truthful with your partner that you told your vows to at that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are unwilling to provide your partner sex, why is it such a problem for them to outsource (so to speak) to another person? Many things in many households, which are considered important are outsourced in order to keep the peace/ ease responsibility: food prep, child care, cleaning, etc. but it's absolutely verboten to consider sex a need that needs to be filled.

Why, if sex is not that important TO YOU (but to your partner), is it such a taboo that they meet that need elsewhere? If you agree that it's something sacred in a relationship, why do you deny it to your partner?

I'm a DH and am in favor of outsourcing - at least in theory.

I think there are two reasons letting your partner do this is different for sex than, say, a shared interest in riding motorcycles or seeing musicals. I like to ride motorcycles, often for several day long trips, for thousands of miles, camping along with way; DW does not. DW likes to go to New York and see musicals on broadway; I do not (at least not musicals). We both outsource this - I go with friends and she goes with friends. However, going to musicals or riding motorcycles doesn't lead to:

1) romantic feelings.

2) offspring.

Those, in a nutshell, are the reason outsourcing sex is different. If I suddenly suffered from real, untreatable ED, I'd let my wife have a pass (if she wanted one - unlikely - she might be sort of relieved it wasn't being required anymore). It would make me very nervous and insecure, at least for a while, fearful she'd fall for the other guy and leave me. This is, not surprisingly, the subject of great literature: Lady Chatterly's Lover. I also would want an agreement/understanding that we'd terminate any accidental pregnancy. I believe the threat of offspring or romantic attachment is equally threatening to men and women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outsourcing sex = DIVORCE

Word to the sex fiends, there is more to a marriage than marathon humping. You want results without the infection, HANDle it.

x2

But this is my point exactly.

If sex is important to your partner as an emotional connection, and you view it as no more than marathon humping, why is them finding it outside so clear cut worthy of divorce? If it's worth a divorce, wouldn't uou help that need be met?

There are lots of things that are important to me, that my spouse doesnt do. As a SAHM, I would love if my husband would play with the kids more, make more money, do more chores- but part of being in a marriage is you dont get to just pick an ultimatum and say arbitrarily, "You MUST do this or I dont feel loved and our marriage is over!"

Sex is not like those other things. And you can make your own damn money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DH with a DW who doesn't want to have sex that frequently. "Outsourcing" wouldn't work in my case because what I get out of sex wouldn't really work outside of the context of a relationship. I want (willing, desired) sex from my wife because it's an expression of love and appreciation from her to me. If I just want an orgasm, I can work that out on my own.

Okay, so let's consider an AP for you who will make you feel loved and desired, so you can fulfill that, but still be a good father and spouse.

No thanks. If other couples can make their issues work with an open marriage like that, more power to them, but I know myself and I know my wife, and it would destroy our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are lots of things that are important to me, that my spouse doesnt do. As a SAHM, I would love if my husband would play with the kids more, make more money, do more chores- but part of being in a marriage is you dont get to just pick an ultimatum and say arbitrarily, "You MUST do this or I dont feel loved and our marriage is over!"

Sex is not like those other things. And you can make your own damn money.

Plenty of men and women do all the extra little stuff and are still in sexless marriages. There's always an excuse, always something that's a priority.

To the PPs who said that an affair is wrong because it isn't discussed- if you're not interested in having sex with your spouse, would you AGREE to let him/her have sex outside your marriage if he/she asked permission?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are lots of things that are important to me, that my spouse doesnt do. As a SAHM, I would love if my husband would play with the kids more, make more money, do more chores- but part of being in a marriage is you dont get to just pick an ultimatum and say arbitrarily, "You MUST do this or I dont feel loved and our marriage is over!"

Sex is not like those other things. And you can make your own damn money.

Plenty of men and women do all the extra little stuff and are still in sexless marriages. There's always an excuse, always something that's a priority.

To the PPs who said that an affair is wrong because it isn't discussed- if you're not interested in having sex with your spouse, would you AGREE to let him/her have sex outside your marriage if he/she asked permission?

DH is the one that has slightly lower libido, actually due to medication. When he doesn't want sex, I get it from my vibrator and am perfectly content. Most times we have sex 2 times a month. But every single day we are intimate in other ways (such as cuddling) and that is fine with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are lots of things that are important to me, that my spouse doesnt do. As a SAHM, I would love if my husband would play with the kids more, make more money, do more chores- but part of being in a marriage is you dont get to just pick an ultimatum and say arbitrarily, "You MUST do this or I dont feel loved and our marriage is over!"

Sex is not like those other things. And you can make your own damn money.

Plenty of men and women do all the extra little stuff and are still in sexless marriages. There's always an excuse, always something that's a priority.

To the PPs who said that an affair is wrong because it isn't discussed- if you're not interested in having sex with your spouse, would you AGREE to let him/her have sex outside your marriage if he/she asked permission?

I'm the PP who initially said that it is different if it's an arrangement both spouses agreed to.

In my first marriage (where I was the low desire spouse and he was the high desire - though by DCUM standards, our sex life was pretty good at once a week), if my husband had suggested that the solution to our problem was opening up the marriage so that he could have sex as often as he wanted to, I would actually probably have been fine with it. We would have agreed to some ground rules, but I don't think that I would have felt jealous or betrayed if he straight up asked me to open the marriage. If he had decided to go behind my back and have sex with someone else "because I was withholding", I would have felt hugely betrayed. That wouldn't have fixed our problem, though, because my ex, much like the PP, he didn't just want to have sex. He wanted to have sex with ME. And he wanted me to want to have sex with him, not just to have "duty sex" at whatever frequency he wanted. He wanted passion, and the lack of passion was definitely something that contributed to our divorce.

[Anonymous]

TBH, going to an open marriage saved my marriage.

Sex is difficult for me due to some physical and emotional issues. So allowing him to outsource that has removed the resentment of him not getting it and the resentment of him always asking me for it.

We have a strong marraige despite that issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not married but I dont plan on sleeping with my husband a lot when I get married. I can get myself off whenever I feel like it and generally find that guys are pretty clueless during sex.

If I met someone who was a master in the bedroom, maybe my opinion would change.

But if it doesnt, I can get myself off and expect husband to do the same.

If he wants to step out of the marriage I really dont care as long as it doesnt affect the resources he gives to me and the children,

And I would think he was pathetic for needing to do that, but whatever.. men are dogs.

A few other posters picked on you - while I think you would be an extraordinarily bad match for me personally, I think it's actually pretty great you are this self-aware and you have zero to apologize for with this attitude. That is, as long as you are as up front and clear with a future potential husband. Many high-libido guys probably won't be as interested, but there are plenty of guys who would be fine with only having sex enough to have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TBH, going to an open marriage saved my marriage.

Sex is difficult for me due to some physical and emotional issues. So allowing him to outsource that has removed the resentment of him not getting it and the resentment of him always asking me for it.

We have a strong marraige despite that issue.

So when you agreed to an open marriage, did you stop working on your physical and emotional issues?