s/o the s/o thread... On the "outsourcing" of sex

[Anonymous]

I'm not married but I dont plan on giving emotional support to my wife a lot when I get married. I can get myself off whenever I feel like it and generally find that chicks are pretty clueless during sex.

If I met someone who was a master in the bedroom, maybe my opinion would change.

But if it doesnt, I can get myself off and expect wife to do the same.

If she wants to step out of the marriage I really dont care as long as it doesnt affect the resources she gives to me and the children,

And I would think he was pathetic for needing to do that, but whatever.. women are dogs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH, going to an open marriage saved my marriage.

Sex is difficult for me due to some physical and emotional issues. So allowing him to outsource that has removed the resentment of him not getting it and the resentment of him always asking me for it.

We have a strong marraige despite that issue.

So when you agreed to an open marriage, did you stop working on your physical and emotional issues?

Not much I can do about the physical stuff.

A lot of my emotional baggage stemmed from the fact that I was unable to have sex with my DH in the way that I wanted. Despite his undying support, I felt guilt and that permeated the rest of our marriage. I have seen therapists for years - but taking sex off the table has eased my guilt and decreased the resentment.

So how is your marriage stronger than your friendships with other men if you're not having sex with your husband? I have many close male friendships but the physical intimacy is one of the major differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not married but I dont plan on sleeping with my husband a lot when I get married. I can get myself off whenever I feel like it and generally find that guys are pretty clueless during sex.

If I met someone who was a master in the bedroom, maybe my opinion would change.

But if it doesnt, I can get myself off and expect husband to do the same.

If he wants to step out of the marriage I really dont care as long as it doesnt affect the resources he gives to me and the children,

And I would think he was pathetic for needing to do that, but whatever.. men are dogs.

Please, just stay single for everyone's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It all depends.

If you're talking about a couple who has agreed that they will not be sexually monogamous, I don't have a problem with it in the abstract. I don't think that a relationship like that would work for me, but I know people who have open marriages (with ground rules and good communication) that work really well.

If you're talking about a couple who do not have sex as often as one partner wants and that partner seeks sex outside the marriage without consent from the low desire partner, that isn't okay. The LD partner should be allowed to decide whether they want to a) work on the sex issue, b) end the marriage or c) open up the marriage. The HD spouse finding another sex partner takes that decision away.

But why are the keys solely in the hands of the low drive partner? If they are refusing at responsibility, should it not be up to the high drive to have their need met?

Most LD partners are given the choice, if you've read half the posts on here. They don't want sex (and make it clear), but are pissed to find their partner having an affair. So what's the resolution?


Eg. If I'm hungry, I don't expect DH to make me a snacks he's not.

The issue is consent and knowledge. If the HD partner says that they want to work on the sex issue, and the LD partner refuses, the HD partner can then decide if they want to leave the marriage or deal with it. If your marriage is sexually unsatisfying, and your partner refuses to work on that issue, you can decide how much you value the rest of your marriage v. having more sex and make a choice. But lying and cheating are lying and cheating, no matter how much anyone tries to pretend otherwise.

[Anonymous]

OP here.. I never said anything about lying and cheating. I said something about outsourcing.

My question, again is: if you are unwilling to have sex with your partner, why is it a problem for you to open up the marriage ? If sex is sacred in your marriage, to what end are you willing to accommodate your partners needs (if at all)? If sex is not important to you, would you open up your marriage (why or why not)? Why is outsourcing g a problem if you are unwilling to meet a need?

I understand that a marriage is not defined by sex, but it is certainly a common divisive topic that comes up on this and other forums as a very common problem in marriages/LTRs.

A few folks have actually answered the question, and I appreciate that in general, the thread has been thoughtful and thought provoking. Thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH, going to an open marriage saved my marriage.

Sex is difficult for me due to some physical and emotional issues. So allowing him to outsource that has removed the resentment of him not getting it and the resentment of him always asking me for it.

We have a strong marraige despite that issue.

So when you agreed to an open marriage, did you stop working on your physical and emotional issues?

Not much I can do about the physical stuff.

A lot of my emotional baggage stemmed from the fact that I was unable to have sex with my DH in the way that I wanted. Despite his undying support, I felt guilt and that permeated the rest of our marriage. I have seen therapists for years - but taking sex off the table has eased my guilt and decreased the resentment.

So how is your marriage stronger than your friendships with other men if you're not having sex with your husband? I have many close male friendships but the physical intimacy is one of the major differences.

TBH - I am not sure how to answer that. I am physically unable to engage in intercourse due to medical issues. Do I do other things to him? Of course.

Well, physical intimacy is one part of a marriage but if it is not available through no one's fault and you love that person enough to stay married, you adjust. Honestly, my DH and have a strong relationship without the sex. I have told him that he could leave many times but he has always said no. The open marriage was MY idea. I just do not think that my physical issues should mean a life of celibacy for him. You read on DCUM the issues that couples have with the lack of sex on here and how it creates resentment among the couples. We don't have that anymore.