Making time for kids? Study says quality trumps quantity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I would do anything and everything necessary to be with my kids during the early years. At least from 1-3. Daycare can kick in at 3. And yes, I have done it all: moved to a cheaper area, worked from home, cut expenses etc. etc. Being with my kids absolutely trumps making money. As long as we have enough we have enough. Love, care and time over all are important to a child's early development...being able to afford nice clothes, toys, vacations, camps etc. is not as important to a child's emotional well-being as is being with Mom.

I would never leave an infant in daycare. Never. I would never leave an under 2 year old in daycare. Never. I do judge people who leave their under 2s in daycare because there ALWAYS are other ways. We got by on very little money for a very long time because we changed our priorities. It's not a bad life - just different. So nobody can tell me "I HAD TO leave my 6 months old at daycare 8 hours a day because I HAD TO work." No. You just didn't look hard enough for other options.

Single moms? Moms who are in professions where they can't take a break (surgery, academia) without significant repercussions? Parents where one person is deployed in the military? Parents who don't have trustworthy family nearby? These families all rely on daycare.

You have a very limited worldview. Very limited. FWIW, I am a (now tenured) professor in a STEM field who had my child in on-campus daycare. I nursed for 1.5 years, visited DC in daycare several times a day, and managed to have very successful career. I could not have taken time out of my field, because that is not how tenure works. A daycare was far better for DC and for me than a nanny, logistically and financially. Go ahead and blast me as a mom for having my 6 month old in daycare. But, you also probably believe that "math is hard" for girls....

These women are so far from understanding the demands of surgical rounds or academia that you might as well be speaking another language. They'll run the bake sale - you and your daughters run the world.

Riiight... because no one from academia or the medical community has EVER taken time off from her career to stay home with her children. That's just not done! I have news for you... most of the SAHMs I know have indeed left high-level professional careers to be SAHMs, whether temporarily or permanently. I understand it's convenient for you to slam SAHMs as knowing nothing more than how to run the bake sale (something I've never done in my life, BTW), but really - stereotype much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish there could be an actual experiment done with 1000 kids. 500 have parents who give them into day are 8-10 hrs a day, starting at 6 months all the way through childhood. 500 of them have one parent who stays home age 0-3 and then is home at least from 2pm on throughout their childhood. Then ask those kids how many of them felt their parents spent enough time with them during childhood.

How a child turns out at the end, if they are successful, emotionally okay etc. is not all it is about. Sure a child can spend 8 hrs/day in daycare and still turn out successful, independent and overall fine...but if that was your child and your child told you at 18 or 30 that he/she always felt neither Mom nor Dad were ever really there - don't tell me that wouldn't bother you.

I'm actually one of those kids who was in daycare a lot as a child. I remember having to go to before and after school care every day, when all I wanted to do was sleep in a bit in the morning and come straight home after school to see my mom. But that never happened, and yes, I do feel resentful about it. My mom and I have had a strained relationship as I grew up and became an adult, and I've told her how much I wish she would have spent more time with me growing up. She doesn't like to hear it, but it's the truth. I'm currently staying home with my toddler and plan to continue if we have more children as well. I just want them to feel more secure than I did growing up. It may not be pleasant to hear, but it's the truth.

Well, there's a data point.

Here's another. I was in aftercare and then a latchkey kid, because both my parents worked. And you know what? I grew up understanding that I was part of a family and that the entire world didn't revolve around me personally. I learned to be independent and self-sufficient. I read a heck of a lot because I wasn't overscheduled. I don't resent my mother or my father for having jobs! For heaven's sake. They loved me and nurtured me and provided for me. We are close now.

My two best friends when I was growing up both had SAHMs who were constantly hovering /smothering and micromanaging their lives. They both now live on the other side of the country from their families.

So there's another data point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any high quality daycare centers for babies?

I was 18:58 above. Both my kids went there from 12 weeks to 2 years. They are in middle school now and doing great.

Thank you, but I'm hoping someone could name a daycare center that's a good place for a baby. Anybody?

Where do you live? Kinda pointless to recommend an in-home daycare in Rockville if you live in Springfield.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

See, I've had exactly the opposite thought. When the daughters of all gheae these WOHMs grow up, they're not even going to consider SAH with their kids because their mothers will have ingrained in them, from Day 1, that successful women simply don't stay home with their kids. Instead, they pay other women (lesser beings, in their books), to do the actual childcare. And that is so sad, that these women will never have the support of their own mothers to raise their kids the way they choose, if that way includes staying home with them.

As a SAHM, I'm planning on supporting my daughter in any way I can, whether she chooses to be a WOHM or a SAHM, or any combination of the two. But I'll absolutely be teaching (and showing) her the value and importance of having a SAHP.

What a weird thing to say. Why would you think that? So suddenly WOHMs aren't capable of supporting their children's decisions as much as SAHMs are?
Also, be careful what you say around your kids now about other working parents. My mom was a SAHM and absolutely supported my sisters and I in our endeavors- encouraged us to do well in school, go to college, be whatever we wanted to be. But she could also be critical about my friends' parents who worked, and she would say so around us. Now I'm a working mom, and she's never criticized me to my face about it, but do you think I don't remember what she used to say and wonder if she silently disapproves?

I'm the PP and would really have appreciated you quoting the entire text, not just my response. I was responding to the PP who claimed that SAHMs would never encourage their daughters to be WOHMs. My point was that, using that "logic," she seemed to be saying it was ok for WOHMs to encourage their daughters to be anything but SAHMs, but not the opposite. I would hope all women, no matter their work status, would support their daughters' decisions to raise their families as they see fit, and not belittle them if their choices turn out to be different from their mothers'.

My response was to say that although I am a SAHM, and my family places great value on this role, I would absolutely encourage my daughters to do what was best for them and their own families. I plan on supporting them in any way I can once they have children, whether they choose to be SAHMs or WOHMs. I hope that if they do WOH, I'm available to help take care of their children, if they'd like me to.

Considering some of the remarks re: SAHMs by WOHMs earlier on this thread and the "Mommy Wars" thread, I wouldn't be at all surprised if there are WOHMs who make it clear to their daughters that staying home with children is just "not done." And how sad if that's what they teach their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any high quality daycare centers for babies?

I was 18:58 above. Both my kids went there from 12 weeks to 2 years. They are in middle school now and doing great.

Thank you, but I'm hoping someone could name a daycare center that's a good place for a baby. Anybody?

Go
To the preschool/daycare forum f you're really interested. Tons of reviews there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

See, I've had exactly the opposite thought. When the daughters of all gheae these WOHMs grow up, they're not even going to consider SAH with their kids because their mothers will have ingrained in them, from Day 1, that successful women simply don't stay home with their kids. Instead, they pay other women (lesser beings, in their books), to do the actual childcare. And that is so sad, that these women will never have the support of their own mothers to raise their kids the way they choose, if that way includes staying home with them.

As a SAHM, I'm planning on supporting my daughter in any way I can, whether she chooses to be a WOHM or a SAHM, or any combination of the two. But I'll absolutely be teaching (and showing) her the value and importance of having a SAHP.

What a weird thing to say. Why would you think that? So suddenly WOHMs aren't capable of supporting their children's decisions as much as SAHMs are?

Also, be careful what you say around your kids now about other working parents. My mom was a SAHM and absolutely supported my sisters and I in our endeavors- encouraged us to do well in school, go to college, be whatever we wanted to be. But she could also be critical about my friends' parents who worked, and she would say so around us. Now I'm a working mom, and she's never criticized me to my face about it, but do you think I don't remember what she used to say and wonder if she silently disapproves?

And why does your mother have to approve of the way you raise your kids? She's an adult, she has a right to her own point of view. So do you. If you disagree, you disagree. She's not required to agree with your every decision as a parent just because she's your mother. As long as she doesn't openly criticize you and tell you what you should be doing she is doing exactly the right thing. We all try to raise our children a certain way, engrain certain values in them etc. - your Mom thought it was important you know she believes it's best for kids to have their mother around. That's not a bad thing. It's not what you are living today but that doesn't mean your Mom was wrong. It also doesn't mean she was right. It just means that is her value and she wanted her kids to know that. Which is exactly what you are doing now by being a working Mom you are teaching YOUR kids that that is okay.

Oh, I don't seek approval from my mom on everything I do- far from it. I just think that while it's great to tell your kids that you support their choices, it's also important to demonstrate through your own actions that you respect the choices and beliefs of others though they may differ from your own. Frankly, for all of my mom's great qualities, she can be a very critical, negative person- working moms were hardly her only target. Her mom (my grandmother) can be the same way, and I catch myself falling into that trap sometimes myself and have to be careful. However, I'm fairly laid-back by nature and didn't take a lot of her comments too seriously, my sister on the other hand "jokes" that she needs therapy because of her relationship with my mother- she's much more sensitive, lived with my parents throughout college, and still lives in our hometown. They are close but have a rather complicated relationship. Anyway, I didn't mean to turn this into an assessment of my mom- more to say that we are influenced by our mothers more than we might realize.

And WOHMs can be just as judgmental as SAHMs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never known anyone, ever, whose daycare wasn't "the best," whose nanny/sitter/Au pair wasn't amazing and also "the best."

Is it really so hard for you to believe that the plurality of people keep looking until they find a caregiver they believe is good?

I also love my GP, my dentist, and my auto mechanic. I kept looking until I found good ones. Why would I do less for childcare?

OMG.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I would do anything and everything necessary to be with my kids during the early years. At least from 1-3. Daycare can kick in at 3. And yes, I have done it all: moved to a cheaper area, worked from home, cut expenses etc. etc. Being with my kids absolutely trumps making money. As long as we have enough we have enough. Love, care and time over all are important to a child's early development...being able to afford nice clothes, toys, vacations, camps etc. is not as important to a child's emotional well-being as is being with Mom.

I would never leave an infant in daycare. Never. I would never leave an under 2 year old in daycare. Never. I do judge people who leave their under 2s in daycare because there ALWAYS are other ways. We got by on very little money for a very long time because we changed our priorities. It's not a bad life - just different. So nobody can tell me "I HAD TO leave my 6 months old at daycare 8 hours a day because I HAD TO work." No. You just didn't look hard enough for other options.

Single moms? Moms who are in professions where they can't take a break (surgery, academia) without significant repercussions? Parents where one person is deployed in the military? Parents who don't have trustworthy family nearby? These families all rely on daycare.

You have a very limited worldview. Very limited. FWIW, I am a (now tenured) professor in a STEM field who had my child in on-campus daycare. I nursed for 1.5 years, visited DC in daycare several times a day, and managed to have very successful career. I could not have taken time out of my field, because that is not how tenure works. A daycare was far better for DC and for me than a nanny, logistically and financially. Go ahead and blast me as a mom for having my 6 month old in daycare. But, you also probably believe that "math is hard" for girls....

Wow. So you are one of those back-stabbing STEM bitches. I know your type. Couldn't even stand being with other women long enough to attend SWE events. You suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never known anyone, ever, whose daycare wasn't "the best," whose nanny/sitter/Au pair wasn't amazing and also "the best."

Is it really so hard for you to believe that the plurality of people keep looking until they find a caregiver they believe is good?

I also love my GP, my dentist, and my auto mechanic. I kept looking until I found good ones. Why would I do less for childcare?

OMG.

I'm not that poster but I get what she's saying. I'm sure you don't because - well, brain rot et al.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I would do anything and everything necessary to be with my kids during the early years. At least from 1-3. Daycare can kick in at 3. And yes, I have done it all: moved to a cheaper area, worked from home, cut expenses etc. etc. Being with my kids absolutely trumps making money. As long as we have enough we have enough. Love, care and time over all are important to a child's early development...being able to afford nice clothes, toys, vacations, camps etc. is not as important to a child's emotional well-being as is being with Mom.

I would never leave an infant in daycare. Never. I would never leave an under 2 year old in daycare. Never. I do judge people who leave their under 2s in daycare because there ALWAYS are other ways. We got by on very little money for a very long time because we changed our priorities. It's not a bad life - just different. So nobody can tell me "I HAD TO leave my 6 months old at daycare 8 hours a day because I HAD TO work." No. You just didn't look hard enough for other options.

Single moms? Moms who are in professions where they can't take a break (surgery, academia) without significant repercussions? Parents where one person is deployed in the military? Parents who don't have trustworthy family nearby? These families all rely on daycare.

You have a very limited worldview. Very limited. FWIW, I am a (now tenured) professor in a STEM field who had my child in on-campus daycare. I nursed for 1.5 years, visited DC in daycare several times a day, and managed to have very successful career. I could not have taken time out of my field, because that is not how tenure works. A daycare was far better for DC and for me than a nanny, logistically and financially. Go ahead and blast me as a mom for having my 6 month old in daycare. But, you also probably believe that "math is hard" for girls....

These women are so far from understanding the demands of surgical rounds or academia that you might as well be speaking another language. They'll run the bake sale - you and your daughters run the world.

Riiight... because no one from academia or the medical community has EVER taken time off from her career to stay home with her children. That's just not done! I have news for you... most of the SAHMs I know have indeed left high-level professional careers to be SAHMs, whether temporarily or permanently. I understand it's convenient for you to slam SAHMs as knowing nothing more than how to run the bake sale (something I've never done in my life, BTW), but really - stereotype much?

You know tenured professors and surgeons who have left the workforce permanently after having kids? Um, ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any high quality daycare centers for babies?

I was 18:58 above. Both my kids went there from 12 weeks to 2 years. They are in middle school now and doing great.

Thank you, but I'm hoping someone could name a daycare center that's a good place for a baby. Anybody?

Go
To the preschool/daycare forum f you're really interested. Tons of reviews there.

Are you missing the point on purpose?
Do daycare if you're magically NOT subjected to
The Hell of American Daycare.

If you're like most people without decent "affordable" options, perhaps rethink that dual career plan. I have yet to see a good place to put a baby 50 hours a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I would do anything and everything necessary to be with my kids during the early years. At least from 1-3. Daycare can kick in at 3. And yes, I have done it all: moved to a cheaper area, worked from home, cut expenses etc. etc. Being with my kids absolutely trumps making money. As long as we have enough we have enough. Love, care and time over all are important to a child's early development...being able to afford nice clothes, toys, vacations, camps etc. is not as important to a child's emotional well-being as is being with Mom.

I would never leave an infant in daycare. Never. I would never leave an under 2 year old in daycare. Never. I do judge people who leave their under 2s in daycare because there ALWAYS are other ways. We got by on very little money for a very long time because we changed our priorities. It's not a bad life - just different. So nobody can tell me "I HAD TO leave my 6 months old at daycare 8 hours a day because I HAD TO work." No. You just didn't look hard enough for other options.

Single moms? Moms who are in professions where they can't take a break (surgery, academia) without significant repercussions? Parents where one person is deployed in the military? Parents who don't have trustworthy family nearby? These families all rely on daycare.

You have a very limited worldview. Very limited. FWIW, I am a (now tenured) professor in a STEM field who had my child in on-campus daycare. I nursed for 1.5 years, visited DC in daycare several times a day, and managed to have very successful career. I could not have taken time out of my field, because that is not how tenure works. A daycare was far better for DC and for me than a nanny, logistically and financially. Go ahead and blast me as a mom for having my 6 month old in daycare. But, you also probably believe that "math is hard" for girls....

These women are so far from understanding the demands of surgical rounds or academia that you might as well be speaking another language. They'll run the bake sale - you and your daughters run the world.

Riiight... because no one from academia or the medical community has EVER taken time off from her career to stay home with her children. That's just not done! I have news for you... most of the SAHMs I know have indeed left high-level professional careers to be SAHMs, whether temporarily or permanently. I understand it's convenient for you to slam SAHMs as knowing nothing more than how to run the bake sale (something I've never done in my life, BTW), but really - stereotype much?

You know tenured professors and surgeons who have left the workforce permanently after having kids? Um, ok.

Not pp, but my own OB took off several years when her kids were young. She also happens to be the best dr in the practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any high quality daycare centers for babies?

I was 18:58 above. Both my kids went there from 12 weeks to 2 years. They are in middle school now and doing great.

Thank you, but I'm hoping someone could name a daycare center that's a good place for a baby. Anybody?

Go
To the preschool/daycare forum f you're really interested. Tons of reviews there.

Are you missing the point on purpose?
Do daycare if you're magically NOT subjected to
The Hell of American Daycare.

If you're like most people without decent "affordable" options, perhaps rethink that dual career plan. I have yet to see a good place to put a baby 50 hours a week.

Have you ever considered the fact that childcare in a city that has a high number of dual income white collar families may be of a higher quality than childcare in the middle of nowhere America where it is less common for two parents to work? Clearly there is one poster on here who once read an article that used the phrase "Hell of American Daycare" and assumes this must mean affluent educated cities like DC do not have quality childcare available.

Good job on repeatedly referring to American daycares as hell. It must make it true because you once read it somewhere. Now you can pat yourself on the back and feel all super smart and smug because you can repeat something you read in a magazine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never known anyone, ever, whose daycare wasn't "the best," whose nanny/sitter/Au pair wasn't amazing and also "the best."

Is it really so hard for you to believe that the plurality of people keep looking until they find a caregiver they believe is good?

I also love my GP, my dentist, and my auto mechanic. I kept looking until I found good ones. Why would I do less for childcare?

OMG.

I'm not that poster but I get what she's saying. I'm sure you don't because - well, brain rot et al.

Yes, because I equate finding the "perfect" childcare provider with finding the "right" auto mechanic. Good grief. Talk about brain rot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I would do anything and everything necessary to be with my kids during the early years. At least from 1-3. Daycare can kick in at 3. And yes, I have done it all: moved to a cheaper area, worked from home, cut expenses etc. etc. Being with my kids absolutely trumps making money. As long as we have enough we have enough. Love, care and time over all are important to a child's early development...being able to afford nice clothes, toys, vacations, camps etc. is not as important to a child's emotional well-being as is being with Mom.

I would never leave an infant in daycare. Never. I would never leave an under 2 year old in daycare. Never. I do judge people who leave their under 2s in daycare because there ALWAYS are other ways. We got by on very little money for a very long time because we changed our priorities. It's not a bad life - just different. So nobody can tell me "I HAD TO leave my 6 months old at daycare 8 hours a day because I HAD TO work." No. You just didn't look hard enough for other options.

Single moms? Moms who are in professions where they can't take a break (surgery, academia) without significant repercussions? Parents where one person is deployed in the military? Parents who don't have trustworthy family nearby? These families all rely on daycare.

You have a very limited worldview. Very limited. FWIW, I am a (now tenured) professor in a STEM field who had my child in on-campus daycare. I nursed for 1.5 years, visited DC in daycare several times a day, and managed to have very successful career. I could not have taken time out of my field, because that is not how tenure works. A daycare was far better for DC and for me than a nanny, logistically and financially. Go ahead and blast me as a mom for having my 6 month old in daycare. But, you also probably believe that "math is hard" for girls....

These women are so far from understanding the demands of surgical rounds or academia that you might as well be speaking another language. They'll run the bake sale - you and your daughters run the world.

Riiight... because no one from academia or the medical community has EVER taken time off from her career to stay home with her children. That's just not done! I have news for you... most of the SAHMs I know have indeed left high-level professional careers to be SAHMs, whether temporarily or permanently. I understand it's convenient for you to slam SAHMs as knowing nothing more than how to run the bake sale (something I've never done in my life, BTW), but really - stereotype much?

You know tenured professors and surgeons who have left the workforce permanently after having kids? Um, ok.

Reading comprehension is clearly not your strong suit. I clearly said, "whether temporarily or permanently". And yes, I do know both professors and physicians who have temporarily left the workforce to stay home with their children, and I also know plenty of other professionals (myself included) who are home on a semi-permanent basis - meaning home indefinitely with possible plans to return to work sometime in the future. Guess what? It can be done.