Making time for kids? Study says quality trumps quantity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
FWIW, this thread has made me feel like absolute crap. I am planning on taking 6 months off, which is going to be as much time as my family can financially bear for me to be off work. I thought I was doing a pretty good job researching childcare and maintaining a job that provides great benefits and will allow me to help pay the bills. According to so many on this thread I clearly do not love my child and am a horrible failure as a mother. Thanks for the support ladies.

Don't worry, PP. You and your baby will be okay. You're unsure of yourself now but you'll see, it will all work out. My kids are a lot older now and I've done it a lot of different ways (SAHM with infants, part-time WAH, fulltime WOHM, daycare with infants). Nobody could pick out which one of my children had which infant childcare experience, and they're all kind and emotionally healthy. I've spent many hours with many different older children and teens and while I have never been able to guess what infant childcare arrangement their parents used, I have been able to guess at whose parents are kind, emotionally stable, and loving people as opposed to those unfortunate kids with parents who are unkind, or overly critical, or judgmental, or emotionally unstable, or have untreated mental illness. That's the sort of thing that leaves a mark, not childcare. Don't let DCUM crazies get to you. They and their poor kids need a lot more help than you or your family do.

I concur. I also think people should be careful about listening to anyone who bashes someone for working or staying at home. Since this board is anonymous there is no way to really know if a person's life is as they say. Those women bashing working mom could have a horrible marriage and miserable kids for all you know. So please do not let the nasty posts get you down. I worried myself sick with my first child because I had to work. She is four years old now and has turned out very well so far in my opinion. I now realize I worried myself over nothing. At the end of the day if your kids are happy and healthy, the opinions of other people mean nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being with your children for 18 years is the best time of your life. Try to figure out how to make it happen. You will never regret it.

Other things people might sincerely believe:

Being a movie star is the best time of your life. Try to figure out how to make it happen. You will never regret it.
Being a marathon runner is the best time of your life. Try to figure out how to make it happen. You will never regret it.
Being a ballroom dancer is the best time of your life. Try to figure out how to make it happen. You will never regret it.
Being a dog trainer is the best time of your life. Try to figure out how to make it happen. You will never regret it.
Being a teacher is the best time of your life. Try to figure out how to make it happen. You will never regret it.
Being a sailor is the best time of your life. Try to figure out how to make it happen. You will never regret it.
Being a poet is the best time of your life. Try to figure out how to make it happen. You will never regret it.

Oh wait, what's that? People have different opinions about what might make them happy, whether or not they have kids? Hmmm…..

Good grief, how long did it take you to write that?

Um, 10 seconds? Because I know how to cut and paste?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
FWIW, this thread has made me feel like absolute crap. I am planning on taking 6 months off, which is going to be as much time as my family can financially bear for me to be off work. I thought I was doing a pretty good job researching childcare and maintaining a job that provides great benefits and will allow me to help pay the bills. According to so many on this thread I clearly do not love my child and am a horrible failure as a mother. Thanks for the support ladies.

Don't worry, PP. You and your baby will be okay. You're unsure of yourself now but you'll see, it will all work out. My kids are a lot older now and I've done it a lot of different ways (SAHM with infants, part-time WAH, fulltime WOHM, daycare with infants). Nobody could pick out which one of my children had which infant childcare experience, and they're all kind and emotionally healthy. I've spent many hours with many different older children and teens and while I have never been able to guess what infant childcare arrangement their parents used, I have been able to guess at whose parents are kind, emotionally stable, and loving people as opposed to those unfortunate kids with parents who are unkind, or overly critical, or judgmental, or emotionally unstable, or have untreated mental illness. That's the sort of thing that leaves a mark, not childcare. Don't let DCUM crazies get to you. They and their poor kids need a lot more help than you or your family do.

I concur. I also think people should be careful about listening to anyone who bashes someone for working or staying at home. Since this board is anonymous there is no way to really know if a person's life is as they say. Those women bashing working mom could have a horrible marriage and miserable kids for all you know. So please do not let the nasty posts get you down. I worried myself sick with my first child because I had to work. She is four years old now and has turned out very well so far in my opinion. I now realize I worried myself over nothing. At the end of the day if your kids are happy and healthy, the opinions of other people mean nothing.

Thanks for the kind words PPs. I started reading this forum when I began TTC and figured it would be a nice way to virtually connect with other moms. It's hard to read the nasty posts about working moms and daycare since I'm right in the thick of planning maternity leave and childcare (not to mention the pregnancy hormones)! I am quickly learning though that I probably need to grow a thicker skin since it seems like the mommy wars exist about everything from daycare to breastfeeding to swaddling, etc.!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
FWIW, this thread has made me feel like absolute crap. I am planning on taking 6 months off, which is going to be as much time as my family can financially bear for me to be off work. I thought I was doing a pretty good job researching childcare and maintaining a job that provides great benefits and will allow me to help pay the bills. According to so many on this thread I clearly do not love my child and am a horrible failure as a mother. Thanks for the support ladies.

Don't worry, PP. You and your baby will be okay. You're unsure of yourself now but you'll see, it will all work out. My kids are a lot older now and I've done it a lot of different ways (SAHM with infants, part-time WAH, fulltime WOHM, daycare with infants). Nobody could pick out which one of my children had which infant childcare experience, and they're all kind and emotionally healthy. I've spent many hours with many different older children and teens and while I have never been able to guess what infant childcare arrangement their parents used, I have been able to guess at whose parents are kind, emotionally stable, and loving people as opposed to those unfortunate kids with parents who are unkind, or overly critical, or judgmental, or emotionally unstable, or have untreated mental illness. That's the sort of thing that leaves a mark, not childcare. Don't let DCUM crazies get to you. They and their poor kids need a lot more help than you or your family do.

I concur. I also think people should be careful about listening to anyone who bashes someone for working or staying at home. Since this board is anonymous there is no way to really know if a person's life is as they say. Those women bashing working mom could have a horrible marriage and miserable kids for all you know. So please do not let the nasty posts get you down. I worried myself sick with my first child because I had to work. She is four years old now and has turned out very well so far in my opinion. I now realize I worried myself over nothing. At the end of the day if your kids are happy and healthy, the opinions of other people mean nothing.

Thanks for the kind words PPs. I started reading this forum when I began TTC and figured it would be a nice way to virtually connect with other moms. It's hard to read the nasty posts about working moms and daycare since I'm right in the thick of planning maternity leave and childcare (not to mention the pregnancy hormones)! I am quickly learning though that I probably need to grow a thicker skin since it seems like the mommy wars exist about everything from daycare to breastfeeding to swaddling, etc.!

But they don't really, except for a few deranged individuals IRL, people just basically enjoying venting their spleen on here. Don't even worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being with your children for 18 years is the best time of your life. Try to figure out how to make it happen. You will never regret it.

You mean staying at home without a job for 18 years??? Helllll no. That sounds like a horrible idea. I can just imagine your kids will probably jump for joy when they leave the house. I will bet any sons you have are real momma's boys and their wives will probably be on here in future complaining about how their spouse can't cook, clean, or do anything for themself or how they have a meddling MIL with no life of her own.

SAHMs are quite able to teach their children how to cook, clean, and do lots of other things for themselves. Hopefully you're not quite as ignorant as you appear, but that's probably too much to hope for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
FWIW, this thread has made me feel like absolute crap. I am planning on taking 6 months off, which is going to be as much time as my family can financially bear for me to be off work. I thought I was doing a pretty good job researching childcare and maintaining a job that provides great benefits and will allow me to help pay the bills. According to so many on this thread I clearly do not love my child and am a horrible failure as a mother. Thanks for the support ladies.

Don't worry, PP. You and your baby will be okay. You're unsure of yourself now but you'll see, it will all work out. My kids are a lot older now and I've done it a lot of different ways (SAHM with infants, part-time WAH, fulltime WOHM, daycare with infants). Nobody could pick out which one of my children had which infant childcare experience, and they're all kind and emotionally healthy. I've spent many hours with many different older children and teens and while I have never been able to guess what infant childcare arrangement their parents used, I have been able to guess at whose parents are kind, emotionally stable, and loving people as opposed to those unfortunate kids with parents who are unkind, or overly critical, or judgmental, or emotionally unstable, or have untreated mental illness. That's the sort of thing that leaves a mark, not childcare. Don't let DCUM crazies get to you. They and their poor kids need a lot more help than you or your family do.

I concur. I also think people should be careful about listening to anyone who bashes someone for working or staying at home. Since this board is anonymous there is no way to really know if a person's life is as they say. Those women bashing working mom could have a horrible marriage and miserable kids for all you know. So please do not let the nasty posts get you down. I worried myself sick with my first child because I had to work. She is four years old now and has turned out very well so far in my opinion. I now realize I worried myself over nothing. At the end of the day if your kids are happy and healthy, the opinions of other people mean nothing.

Thanks for the kind words PPs. I started reading this forum when I began TTC and figured it would be a nice way to virtually connect with other moms. It's hard to read the nasty posts about working moms and daycare since I'm right in the thick of planning maternity leave and childcare (not to mention the pregnancy hormones)! I am quickly learning though that I probably need to grow a thicker skin since it seems like the mommy wars exist about everything from daycare to breastfeeding to swaddling, etc.!

And if you decide to SAH, you'll most definitely get lots of militant WOHMs (at least here on DCUM) telling you what a horrible choice that is, per the nasty Mommy Wars thread. So either way, make your decision and do your best with it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The question you all should focus on is:

If my career is my priority,
WHO will care for the child?

Not, "I'll settle for whoever shows up."

Maybe the question you should focus on is:

If I don't work
WHO will provide food and shelter, health insurance and stability for the child?

Not, "I'll settle for whatever cardboard box I can find and hope no one needs a doctor."

Single parenting is a whole different thing. It takes a village.

But that distinction shouldn't matter for purposes of this thread. The original article was about whether your kids will turn out better if you stay home or work. It's not about whether working is an economic necessity or not. So all the hostile comments aimed at WOHMs still count if the mom is single. It's disingenuous for the stay at home harpies who like to tell us our kids will be messed up to say, "Oh it's different if you're single or if you have to work." No, it's not. The point is whether or not your kids will be messed up by day care, regardless of the reason they are there.

Your kid doesn't need to be a genius to figure out:

1. I got a parade of sitters because there was no other option

OR

2. A got what I got because mommy and daddy had more interesting things to do at the office

So let me get this straight-- Despite all the evidence, both clinical and anecdotal, kids will automatically and universally resent their mothers if they work. Because you have declared it to be so. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The question you all should focus on is:

If my career is my priority,
WHO will care for the child?

Not, "I'll settle for whoever shows up."

Maybe the question you should focus on is:

If I don't work
WHO will provide food and shelter, health insurance and stability for the child?

Not, "I'll settle for whatever cardboard box I can find and hope no one needs a doctor."

Single parenting is a whole different thing. It takes a village.

But that distinction shouldn't matter for purposes of this thread. The original article was about whether your kids will turn out better if you stay home or work. It's not about whether working is an economic necessity or not. So all the hostile comments aimed at WOHMs still count if the mom is single. It's disingenuous for the stay at home harpies who like to tell us our kids will be messed up to say, "Oh it's different if you're single or if you have to work." No, it's not. The point is whether or not your kids will be messed up by day care, regardless of the reason they are there.

Your kid doesn't need to be a genius to figure out:

1. I got a parade of sitters because there was no other option

OR

2. A got what I got because mommy and daddy had more interesting things to do at the office

So let me get this straight-- Despite all the evidence, both clinical and anecdotal, kids will automatically and universally resent their mothers if they work. Because you have declared it to be so. Got it.

Try to get this straight: Quality of care is what matters, not so much who's doing it.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you people are still bickering?? Amazing. Frickin' amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The question you all should focus on is:

If my career is my priority,
WHO will care for the child?

Not, "I'll settle for whoever shows up."

Maybe the question you should focus on is:

If I don't work
WHO will provide food and shelter, health insurance and stability for the child?

Not, "I'll settle for whatever cardboard box I can find and hope no one needs a doctor."

Single parenting is a whole different thing. It takes a village.

But that distinction shouldn't matter for purposes of this thread. The original article was about whether your kids will turn out better if you stay home or work. It's not about whether working is an economic necessity or not. So all the hostile comments aimed at WOHMs still count if the mom is single. It's disingenuous for the stay at home harpies who like to tell us our kids will be messed up to say, "Oh it's different if you're single or if you have to work." No, it's not. The point is whether or not your kids will be messed up by day care, regardless of the reason they are there.

Your kid doesn't need to be a genius to figure out:

1. I got a parade of sitters because there was no other option

OR

2. A got what I got because mommy and daddy had more interesting things to do at the office

So let me get this straight-- Despite all the evidence, both clinical and anecdotal, kids will automatically and universally resent their mothers if they work. Because you have declared it to be so. Got it.

Try to get this straight: Quality of care is what matters, not so much who's doing it.

Got it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The question you all should focus on is:

If my career is my priority,
WHO will care for the child?

Not, "I'll settle for whoever shows up."

Maybe the question you should focus on is:

If I don't work
WHO will provide food and shelter, health insurance and stability for the child?

Not, "I'll settle for whatever cardboard box I can find and hope no one needs a doctor."

Single parenting is a whole different thing. It takes a village.

But that distinction shouldn't matter for purposes of this thread. The original article was about whether your kids will turn out better if you stay home or work. It's not about whether working is an economic necessity or not. So all the hostile comments aimed at WOHMs still count if the mom is single. It's disingenuous for the stay at home harpies who like to tell us our kids will be messed up to say, "Oh it's different if you're single or if you have to work." No, it's not. The point is whether or not your kids will be messed up by day care, regardless of the reason they are there.

Your kid doesn't need to be a genius to figure out:

1. I got a parade of sitters because there was no other option

OR

2. A got what I got because mommy and daddy had more interesting things to do at the office

So let me get this straight-- Despite all the evidence, both clinical and anecdotal, kids will automatically and universally resent their mothers if they work. Because you have declared it to be so. Got it.

Try to get this straight: Quality of care is what matters, not so much who's doing it.

Got it?

Maybe you should say it again for good measure. Not sure it sunk in the first 20 times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The question you all should focus on is:

If my career is my priority,
WHO will care for the child?

Not, "I'll settle for whoever shows up."

Maybe the question you should focus on is:

If I don't work
WHO will provide food and shelter, health insurance and stability for the child?

Not, "I'll settle for whatever cardboard box I can find and hope no one needs a doctor."

Single parenting is a whole different thing. It takes a village.

But that distinction shouldn't matter for purposes of this thread. The original article was about whether your kids will turn out better if you stay home or work. It's not about whether working is an economic necessity or not. So all the hostile comments aimed at WOHMs still count if the mom is single. It's disingenuous for the stay at home harpies who like to tell us our kids will be messed up to say, "Oh it's different if you're single or if you have to work." No, it's not. The point is whether or not your kids will be messed up by day care, regardless of the reason they are there.

Your kid doesn't need to be a genius to figure out:

1. I got a parade of sitters because there was no other option

OR

2. A got what I got because mommy and daddy had more interesting things to do at the office

So let me get this straight-- Despite all the evidence, both clinical and anecdotal, kids will automatically and universally resent their mothers if they work. Because you have declared it to be so. Got it.

Try to get this straight: Quality of care is what matters, not so much who's doing it.

Got it?

Maybe you should say it again for good measure. Not sure it sunk in the first 20 times.

Do you think that would help 12:49?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The question you all should focus on is:

If my career is my priority,
WHO will care for the child?

Not, "I'll settle for whoever shows up."

Maybe the question you should focus on is:

If I don't work
WHO will provide food and shelter, health insurance and stability for the child?

Not, "I'll settle for whatever cardboard box I can find and hope no one needs a doctor."

Single parenting is a whole different thing. It takes a village.

But that distinction shouldn't matter for purposes of this thread. The original article was about whether your kids will turn out better if you stay home or work. It's not about whether working is an economic necessity or not. So all the hostile comments aimed at WOHMs still count if the mom is single. It's disingenuous for the stay at home harpies who like to tell us our kids will be messed up to say, "Oh it's different if you're single or if you have to work." No, it's not. The point is whether or not your kids will be messed up by day care, regardless of the reason they are there.

Your kid doesn't need to be a genius to figure out:

1. I got a parade of sitters because there was no other option

OR

2. A got what I got because mommy and daddy had more interesting things to do at the office

You forgot:

3. I got what I got and my parents both had interesting, productive careers and I am modeling my family after the way I raised, which was actually great. They were both good role models as parents, citizens, and upwardly mobile business people. Every family makes choices and trade-offs and the ones they made were the right ones and benefitted me and my siblings enormously. As an adult, I am grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The question you all should focus on is:

If my career is my priority,
WHO will care for the child?

Not, "I'll settle for whoever shows up."

Maybe the question you should focus on is:

If I don't work
WHO will provide food and shelter, health insurance and stability for the child?

Not, "I'll settle for whatever cardboard box I can find and hope no one needs a doctor."

Single parenting is a whole different thing. It takes a village.

But that distinction shouldn't matter for purposes of this thread. The original article was about whether your kids will turn out better if you stay home or work. It's not about whether working is an economic necessity or not. So all the hostile comments aimed at WOHMs still count if the mom is single. It's disingenuous for the stay at home harpies who like to tell us our kids will be messed up to say, "Oh it's different if you're single or if you have to work." No, it's not. The point is whether or not your kids will be messed up by day care, regardless of the reason they are there.

Your kid doesn't need to be a genius to figure out:

1. I got a parade of sitters because there was no other option

OR

2. A got what I got because mommy and daddy had more interesting things to do at the office

You forgot:

3. I got what I got and my parents both had interesting, productive careers and I am modeling my family after the way I raised, which was actually great. They were both good role models as parents, citizens, and upwardly mobile business people. Every family makes choices and trade-offs and the ones they made were the right ones and benefitted me and my siblings enormously. As an adult, I am grateful.

How old are your kids now, and how many primary caregiver have they had so far?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The question you all should focus on is:

If my career is my priority,
WHO will care for the child?

Not, "I'll settle for whoever shows up."

Maybe the question you should focus on is:

If I don't work
WHO will provide food and shelter, health insurance and stability for the child?

Not, "I'll settle for whatever cardboard box I can find and hope no one needs a doctor."

Single parenting is a whole different thing. It takes a village.

But that distinction shouldn't matter for purposes of this thread. The original article was about whether your kids will turn out better if you stay home or work. It's not about whether working is an economic necessity or not. So all the hostile comments aimed at WOHMs still count if the mom is single. It's disingenuous for the stay at home harpies who like to tell us our kids will be messed up to say, "Oh it's different if you're single or if you have to work." No, it's not. The point is whether or not your kids will be messed up by day care, regardless of the reason they are there.

Your kid doesn't need to be a genius to figure out:

1. I got a parade of sitters because there was no other option

OR

2. A got what I got because mommy and daddy had more interesting things to do at the office

You forgot:

3. I got what I got and my parents both had interesting, productive careers and I am modeling my family after the way I raised, which was actually great. They were both good role models as parents, citizens, and upwardly mobile business people. Every family makes choices and trade-offs and the ones they made were the right ones and benefitted me and my siblings enormously. As an adult, I am grateful.

How old are your kids now, and how many primary caregiver have they had so far?

*caregivers