Teen son slapped my face, what should I do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes, younger son has mental health challenge, he is on medicine and has one to
one therapy weekly. Older son has never been violent to me before, he only got violent to
his brother when being provoked, he is much stronger, they are 2 years apart.
I didn’t want to take his phone and activities away. He has some social challenges, recently
has been trying to reaching out to find a friend circle, but is having a hard time. He already
feel socially isolated, I don’t want to make it worse. I feel the phone and outings(including
sports) is good for his metal health.

He went out for a sport activity the whole morning. He came back, apologized to me again,
I asked what for, he said he was angry, now he is not angry anymore. I didn’t say anything,
then he walked away.
I’m not ready to have a talk with him, because I don’t know what to do.

Stop making excuses. You were given a blueprint above. I would say, err on the side of forgiveness for your older son, for whom this is a first offense, but MAKE SURE he understands he can never do this again. If he's the type to bottle everything up because he's borderline Aspie and cannot communicate well, then you need to explain this to him, and tell him he cannot let it get to the point where he has a physical reaction against you. Explain the difference between a random attack, where he should use self-defense, and hitting someone who is not causing bodily harm.

It sounds like you have communication problems as well. My teen has ADHD and is borderline Asperger's, and I have had so many conversations about all these things since he was little.

Sounds like the whole family has mental/social issues tbh. Sad how mental illness runs in family

[Anonymous]

Op here. Yes, younger son has mental health challenge, he is on medicine and has one to
one therapy weekly. Older son has never been violent to me before, he only got violent to
his brother when being provoked, he is much stronger, they are 2 years apart.
I didn’t want to take his phone and activities away. He has some social challenges, recently
has been trying to reaching out to find a friend circle, but is having a hard time. He already
feel socially isolated, I don’t want to make it worse. I feel the phone and outings(including
sports) is good for his metal health.

He went out for a sport activity the whole morning. He came back, apologized to me again,
I asked what for, he said he was angry, now he is not angry anymore. I didn’t say anything,
then he walked away.
I’m not ready to have a talk with him, because I don’t know what to do.

OP, your family power dynamics and the norms of acceptable behavior are completely messed up. You need FAMILY THERAPY as soon as possible to prevent this from getting worse. Your boys both feel violence is acceptable and excusable, and you have not parented them in a way to dissuade them from that belief. You need HELP to get the violence under control before it gets worse. You are setting your boys--and you-- up for real trouble if you let them believe that violence goes unpunished.

I say this kindly from the perspective of someone whose teenage brother was quite violent with me and my mother. You can step in and change things NOW.

[Anonymous]

All of the people saying they would hit their child back really helps me understand why this country is in the state it’s in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of the people saying they would hit their child back really helps me understand why this country is in the state it’s in.

Not one of those PPs, but if my teenage son hits me in the face, I’m not going to be a doormat about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a lot of issues. You have one kid with uncontrollable anger. Hopefully you are getting him treatment. You have another who slapped you.

Here’s my experience. I have been physically attacked by one of my kids. I called the police and had him hospitalized for being a danger to himself and others. We’re now in therapy together. He is on a last chance agreement before I have him permanently removed from my house. We are white which might make a difference.

IME, once the seal is broken, things don’t go back to normal. You’ve got a lot of work to do. And if your younger son isn’t in treatment you need to do that. It seems he’s tearing your family apart and you’re not listening.

Permanently removed? What does this mean? You’d kick him out on the street?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Stop making excuses. You were given a blueprint above. I would say, err on the side of forgiveness for your older son, for whom this is a first offense, but MAKE SURE he understands he can never do this again. If he's the type to bottle everything up because he's borderline Aspie and cannot communicate well, then you need to explain this to him, and tell him he cannot let it get to the point where he has a physical reaction against you. Explain the difference between a random attack, where he should use self-defense, and hitting someone who is not causing bodily harm.

It sounds like you have communication problems as well. My teen has ADHD and is borderline Asperger's, and I have had so many conversations about all these things since he was little.

Older son is borderline Aspie, he actually likes to talk, talk about how he feels. His thought can get stuck sometimes. I do feel I have a hard time to communicate with them sometimes. Any readings to recommend? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the older boy is done with being physically abused by his younger sibling with mom excusing it. OP, how many times has your older son been hit or otherwise touched by his younger brother?

Yes this! I was the older sibling with a mentally ill younger sibling. My entire life was shaped and molded by the fact that everything was about younger sibling. Everything. Good bad and ugly it all came back to her needs and her holding the family hostage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP, your family power dynamics and the norms of acceptable behavior are completely messed up. You need FAMILY THERAPY as soon as possible to prevent this from getting worse. Your boys both feel violence is acceptable and excusable, and you have not parented them in a way to dissuade them from that belief. You need HELP to get the violence under control before it gets worse. You are setting your boys--and you-- up for real trouble if you let them believe that violence goes unpunished.

I say this kindly from the perspective of someone whose teenage brother was quite violent with me and my mother. You can step in and change things NOW.

Where to find the right FAMILY THERAPY to work on messed up family dynamics? Young teen son has mood regulation problems, can get very angry, throw things, and hurt himself and family members. When he get into fight with older son, I tend to act in a way to ease younger son's anger, but I see this is not working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the bigger issue here is that I do get from your first paragraph, before you even said it, that you seem to take your younger teen son's side. "He has uncontrollable anger issues." Ummmm... and you think that's... okay? You just let your house run like this? I grew up with a younger brother and it's hard enough managing relationships with siblings. I can't imagine how stressful it would be to live with a brother who has "uncontrollable anger issues" and who my mom apparently constantly makes excuses for? It's not excusable to perpetrate physical violence on anyone, let alone a parent, but I do understand how things could get that out of hand based on your enabling of your younger son's mental health problems

I agree with this. I, of course, have a huge issue with the older son's unprovoked slap but the cornerstone of the problem is the "uncontrollable anger issues" of the younger boy. Your family needs help FAST, OP. You need to get a family therapist involved ASAP to work with you and the kids, and you and your spouse need parenting classes ASAP as well. If you don't move to change things your family situation is going to get worse very quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP, your family power dynamics and the norms of acceptable behavior are completely messed up. You need FAMILY THERAPY as soon as possible to prevent this from getting worse. Your boys both feel violence is acceptable and excusable, and you have not parented them in a way to dissuade them from that belief. You need HELP to get the violence under control before it gets worse. You are setting your boys--and you-- up for real trouble if you let them believe that violence goes unpunished.

I say this kindly from the perspective of someone whose teenage brother was quite violent with me and my mother. You can step in and change things NOW.

Where to find the right FAMILY THERAPY to work on messed up family dynamics? Young teen son has mood regulation problems, can get very angry, throw things, and hurt himself and family members. When he get into fight with older son, I tend to act in a way to ease younger son's anger, but I see this is not working.

Call your sons' pediatrician immediately for the first available appointment. Then go in and speak with the pediatrician. Ask for a recommendation and then for the pediatrician's help in getting an appointment quickly with that therapist. You need to move quickly.

DP

[Anonymous]

Where to find the right FAMILY THERAPY to work on messed up family dynamics? Young teen son has mood regulation problems, can get very angry, throw things, and hurt himself and family members. When he get into fight with older son, I tend to act in a way to ease younger son's anger, but I see this is not working.

Your one son sees a therapist weekly, you said. Call them ASAP and tell them there are additional issues with family violence and you need a referral to someone who does family treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like your older kid made a shockingly poor decision in his attempt to get you to understand the situation from his perspective.

I'm not trying to excuse this but rather just understand it. That action comes from a different place than a purely violent impulse towards a parent.

+1

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this, OP. You all need professional help. I've known teen brothers to have the rare physical fight but clearly this is much deeper than that. Please know you and Dh didn't case your younger son's mental health challenges and slapping your older kid in the moment would accomplish nothing. PP is right that he's probably been holding in a wide range of emotions and trauma for years. That doesn't make his actions OK, but I get it.

People who have only dealt with NT people will NOT understand, so don't let the hurtful words here bother you.

+2 He's sick of repeating, instead showing you how he feels. Doesn't excuse it, but he is still a kid. Sometime needs to change, don't respond with anger but compassion. Talk to him, work together so it doesn't happen again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: This isn’t a “talking to” situation. This is a the entire world as you once knew it just ended situation.
.

This x1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to call the police before he does that to someone else.

This is the dumbest thing I have probably ever read.

That poster is clueless. That post is one of the stupidest things ever posted on dcum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of the people saying they would hit their child back really helps me understand why this country is in the state it’s in.

Ha! People who make these comments remind me why the country is in the state it’s in.