Teen son slapped my face, what should I do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying that you would have hit the son back (or your husband would have), I'm curious. Are you saying that the violence is a sound parenting strategy, or that it would be instinct? If sound parenting strategy, how do you think it will help resolve the situation moving forward?

Seems one of the issues in this family is that people tend to react to violence with violence. How does perpetuating that help?

It’s a life lesson. If you assault someone weaker than you then what goes around comes around. If the kid slaps the wrong person in the real world of adults he may end up dead so he needs to learn this lesson early on.

Agree with the first point. Op’s older son slapped her because he was hit by the younger son/his brother. And now many posters are saying/implying that op or her spouse should have reacted by hitting the older son? No no no.

This is tough, Op. And you need to react seriously. But I don’t agree to use violence and I also don’t agree it means your son will grow up to be abusive - if this was the first time he reacted this way, he probably just impulsively snapped. You can use that to point out his younger brother’s impulsivity.

But older son and your whole family needs a thorough discussion, I agree with therapist, about the dangers of using violence, AND to give older son a safe opportunity to share how he’s feeling with respect to younger siblings and his parents’ reactions.

You don't slap your mom because you got slapped by a sibling. OP is failing both of these kids. You don't scapegoat their behavior screaming mental health. You give them strong consequences and make it clear its not acceptable and repeat each time. If the younger son is that out of control, he may need residential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the older boy is done with being physically abused by his younger sibling with mom excusing it. OP, how many times has your older son been hit or otherwise touched by his younger brother?

Yes this! I was the older sibling with a mentally ill younger sibling. My entire life was shaped and molded by the fact that everything was about younger sibling. Everything. Good bad and ugly it all came back to her needs and her holding the family hostage.

+1000000

OP, you’re disgusting!

Not op, but it’s clear you are the disgusting one.

Unless you have some prior exposure to high maintenance children, you don’t always have to tools or awareness to make the best decisions.

I feel for you op.

I knew someone whose family was what Pp described, and it was horrible for them. They were in constant terror mode from what the aggressive sibling would do.

Not the above poster. However you are wrong in the sense OP has let this go on for years. This is a younger sibling, from OP's accounts that child has been an issue for a very long time. The older one finally could not take it anymore. Not saying he should have hit OP, but she and her husband have failed him Period.

Kids learn what they see daily this is on OP and her DH.

+1

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Medication.

Neuropsychs and targeting therapies for the Dx. Everyone needs positive coping methods. Not negative ones like arguing, pushing, yelling, lying.

Leave the house during the violent temper tantrums.

Put unhealthy kid in a different environment, school, center.

Put healthy kid with relative or friends house to live.

All of this. Immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you not immediately slap his face back? I'm sorry he slapped you, that would have been my reaction. Everything and I mean everything would be gone and that would just be the start.

He would no longer have a phone, Wi-Fi or computer access for anything other than supervised homework and his room would be empty with a mattress on the floor and no door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is it you wanted besides an apology? I think it was mature of your son to come to you to apologize and then walk away when it was clear you weren’t ready to receive it. What else was he supposed to do?

What else? Well, to start with, ANSWER his parent when she asked him to name what he was apologizing for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes, younger son has mental health challenge, he is on medicine and has one to
one therapy weekly. Older son has never been violent to me before, he only got violent to
his brother when being provoked, he is much stronger, they are 2 years apart.
I didn’t want to take his phone and activities away. He has some social challenges, recently
has been trying to reaching out to find a friend circle, but is having a hard time. He already
feel socially isolated, I don’t want to make it worse. I feel the phone and outings(including
sports) is good for his metal health.

He went out for a sport activity the whole morning. He came back, apologized to me again,
I asked what for, he said he was angry, now he is not angry anymore. I didn’t say anything,
then he walked away.
I’m not ready to have a talk with him, because I don’t know what to do.

WHY ARE YOU ALLOWING HIM TO “GO OUT FOR A SPORT ACTIVITY” after he assaulted his mother? Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes, younger son has mental health challenge, he is on medicine and has one to
one therapy weekly. Older son has never been violent to me before, he only got violent to
his brother when being provoked, he is much stronger, they are 2 years apart.
I didn’t want to take his phone and activities away. He has some social challenges, recently
has been trying to reaching out to find a friend circle, but is having a hard time. He already
feel socially isolated, I don’t want to make it worse. I feel the phone and outings(including
sports) is good for his metal health.

He went out for a sport activity the whole morning. He came back, apologized to me again,
I asked what for, he said he was angry, now he is not angry anymore. I didn’t say anything,
then he walked away.
I’m not ready to have a talk with him, because I don’t know what to do.

Has he apologized for hitting his mother in the face yet? Or just for being angry?

Why do you keep asking him what he's apologizing for? Is it some kind of mental mind-F? Isn't it frickin' obvious what he's apologizing for? It's like you're playing games with him, and it's horrible to even read. I can't imagine how you f#$@ with his head and how he experiences that. You need some serious help, OP, and I'm not saying that to be mean. You are the one who needs help.

No. It’s uncomfortable for him to name what he did wrong. Too damn bad. He should be uncomfortable. He’s lucky his parents didn’t call the police and start a paper trail. Yes, legally this is assault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes, younger son has mental health challenge, he is on medicine and has one to
one therapy weekly. Older son has never been violent to me before, he only got violent to
his brother when being provoked, he is much stronger, they are 2 years apart.
I didn’t want to take his phone and activities away. He has some social challenges, recently
has been trying to reaching out to find a friend circle, but is having a hard time. He already
feel socially isolated, I don’t want to make it worse. I feel the phone and outings(including
sports) is good for his metal health.

He went out for a sport activity the whole morning. He came back, apologized to me again,
I asked what for, he said he was angry, now he is not angry anymore. I didn’t say anything,
then he walked away.
I’m not ready to have a talk with him, because I don’t know what to do.

Has he apologized for hitting his mother in the face yet? Or just for being angry?

Why do you keep asking him what he's apologizing for? Is it some kind of mental mind-F? Isn't it frickin' obvious what he's apologizing for? It's like you're playing games with him, and it's horrible to even read. I can't imagine how you f#$@ with his head and how he experiences that. You need some serious help, OP, and I'm not saying that to be mean. You are the one who needs help.

No. It’s uncomfortable for him to name what he did wrong. Too damn bad. He should be uncomfortable. He’s lucky his parents didn’t call the police and start a paper trail. Yes, legally this is assault.

She’s allowing him to be assaulted constantly.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in the 1970s and my siblings and I hit each other a lot, and our parents spanked us as a punishment (I rarely got spanked as I was a rulefollower, but my older sister was wild and I remember her getting spanked often!). Most families I knew had similar dynamics.

Do I raise my own kids the same? No.

But, I don’t view these as assaults meriting police intervention and I am surprised to read so many posters who do.

I do wonder if respective ages of the posters makes a difference in viewpoints here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And a few posts in, we are blaming the parent of course.

OP you need to consult a professional. I would definitely remove all privileges from older child. That’s a big red line.

Sounds like the parent is to blame.

The younger son has 'uncontrollable anger' and accidentally 'elbowed the older son in the jaw'. How TF do you accidentally elbow anyone in their jaw? That's a deliberate provocation.

On top of that the elder son has so little respect for the parent who interfered on the younger son's side that they decided to retaliate against the parent to show them how it feels.

That's poor parenting for both sons.

I don't necessarily agree, without more information. But, I also don't think it mattes.

Son, UNPROVOKED, Slaps his mother? Oh, heeeeeelllll no. He would lose every privilege IMMEDIATELY. He's likely be sent to counseling, as well as counseling for me/DH.

And, OP, you need to deal with younger son's anger issues. That is not ok to left unchecked (if you are).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And a few posts in, we are blaming the parent of course.

OP you need to consult a professional. I would definitely remove all privileges from older child. That’s a big red line.

Sounds like the parent is to blame.

The younger son has 'uncontrollable anger' and accidentally 'elbowed the older son in the jaw'. How TF do you accidentally elbow anyone in their jaw? That's a deliberate provocation.

On top of that the elder son has so little respect for the parent who interfered on the younger son's side that they decided to retaliate against the parent to show them how it feels.

That's poor parenting for both sons.

I don't necessarily agree, without more information. But, I also don't think it mattes.

Son, UNPROVOKED, Slaps his ABUSIVE mother? Oh, heeeeeelllll no. He would lose every privilege IMMEDIATELY. He's likely be sent to counseling, as well as counseling for me/DH.

And, OP, you need to deal with younger son's anger issues. That is not ok to left unchecked (if you are).

Fixed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in the 1970s and my siblings and I hit each other a lot, and our parents spanked us as a punishment (I rarely got spanked as I was a rulefollower, but my older sister was wild and I remember her getting spanked often!). Most families I knew had similar dynamics.

Do I raise my own kids the same? No.

But, I don’t view these as assaults meriting police intervention and I am surprised to read so many posters who do.

I do wonder if respective ages of the posters makes a difference in viewpoints here?

I’m also curious where these folks live. There is a lot of spare the rod, spoil the kid type talk. None of that is going to be effective. A kid who lives in a house where he is hit by his brother and is so angry/hurt, he lashes out at his mom, is going to learn emotional regulation by getting his electronics taken away and not being allowed to participate in sports? Makes no sense. But I’m sure it makes people feel like they are doing something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And a few posts in, we are blaming the parent of course.

OP you need to consult a professional. I would definitely remove all privileges from older child. That’s a big red line.

Sounds like the parent is to blame.

The younger son has 'uncontrollable anger' and accidentally 'elbowed the older son in the jaw'. How TF do you accidentally elbow anyone in their jaw? That's a deliberate provocation.

On top of that the elder son has so little respect for the parent who interfered on the younger son's side that they decided to retaliate against the parent to show them how it feels.

That's poor parenting for both sons.

I don't necessarily agree, without more information. But, I also don't think it mattes.

Son, UNPROVOKED, Slaps his mother? Oh, heeeeeelllll no. He would lose every privilege IMMEDIATELY. He's likely be sent to counseling, as well as counseling for me/DH.

And, OP, you need to deal with younger son's anger issues. That is not ok to left unchecked (if you are).

Like this one. And it’s not internally even inconsistent. Hitting mom means losing all material items but if you are the one who gets hit, nothing happens to the brother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you not immediately slap his face back? I'm sorry he slapped you, that would have been my reaction. Everything and I mean everything would be gone and that would just be the start.

He would no longer have a phone, Wi-Fi or computer access for anything other than supervised homework and his room would be empty with a mattress on the floor and no door.

So this would make you feel empowered but if the issue is he feels he is treated unfairly how does this solve the problem? I am sure OP has no punishment for the one who started this and continues to skate. I bet the younger kid is very happy with this out come and will rub it in the other kids faces. You have to address the issue. If not it will only worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Medication.

Neuropsychs and targeting therapies for the Dx. Everyone needs positive coping methods. Not negative ones like arguing, pushing, yelling, lying.

Leave the house during the violent temper tantrums.

Put unhealthy kid in a different environment, school, center.

Put healthy kid with relative or friends house to live.

All of this. Immediately.

+1. This is terrifying, OP. And when he's older, it won't be you he slaps. It'll be his girlfriend, his wife, his daughter. Nip this crap in the bud ASAP. We have so many toxic, abusive males in this world. You see this now and have the ability to do something about it. Get him therapy before he unleashes on society.