Confused about getting married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your therapist are working on making this relationship the right one because of your age and your desire for a family since you’re already 38.

What you don’t seem to know is how to tell if the person you’re dating will be a good spouse to you after marriage and where to set boundaries for yourself. You need to know what the red flags are, what the non-negotiables are for you, and be willing to drop this guy if he’s not the right one.

Suggest getting premarital counseling with him and see how willing he is to work on things with you now. If he’s willing to go and do the necessary work, that would be a good sign. If not, you’ll have your answer.

The core issue with him is that he is great as long as he is getting his way. He doesn’t take “no” well and can get very nasty when we disagree.

Eew what a turn off! Go out tonight, you'll easily see there are better options or plan some dinners out with your girlfriends. I went into marriage with doubts but none were concerning compatibility or possible aggression. I would find an aggressive personality exhausting. It's one thing to be that way in work and another towards your partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your therapist are working on making this relationship the right one because of your age and your desire for a family since you’re already 38.

What you don’t seem to know is how to tell if the person you’re dating will be a good spouse to you after marriage and where to set boundaries for yourself. You need to know what the red flags are, what the non-negotiables are for you, and be willing to drop this guy if he’s not the right one.

Suggest getting premarital counseling with him and see how willing he is to work on things with you now. If he’s willing to go and do the necessary work, that would be a good sign. If not, you’ll have your answer.

The core issue with him is that he is great as long as he is getting his way. He doesn’t take “no” well and can get very nasty when we disagree.

Eew what a turn off! Go out tonight, you'll easily see there are better options or plan some dinners out with your girlfriends. I went into marriage with doubts but none were concerning compatibility or possible aggression. I would find an aggressive personality exhausting. It's one thing to be that way in work and another towards your partner

op - this is exactly the WRONG guy to procreate with and depend on emotionally and financially! Do you think he’s going to be better towards you once you are “his” and depending on him???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your therapist are working on making this relationship the right one because of your age and your desire for a family since you’re already 38.

What you don’t seem to know is how to tell if the person you’re dating will be a good spouse to you after marriage and where to set boundaries for yourself. You need to know what the red flags are, what the non-negotiables are for you, and be willing to drop this guy if he’s not the right one.

Suggest getting premarital counseling with him and see how willing he is to work on things with you now. If he’s willing to go and do the necessary work, that would be a good sign. If not, you’ll have your answer.

The core issue with him is that he is great as long as he is getting his way. He doesn’t take “no” well and can get very nasty when we disagree.

PP here. The nastiness is a huge red flag. Your gut is signaling that something is wrong, but the therapist is making you question your own judgment.

Your therapist a man and he can identify with a guy’s perspective. There are times that everyone disagrees with their partner and we all have our limits. The question and deal breaker is how well you can each tolerate each other’s no, and disagreement. You can reflect on whether you always want to get your way which might eventually set off someone who is usually tolerant, but if he always bullies you because he always wants to get his way, it’s time to break up. Trust your gut feelings.

If he’s open to going to counseling and shows that he’s willing to work on himself, there might be hope, but you alone won’t be able to fix this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say you are fond of your therapist, do you mean that you have a romantic crush on him?

I get that vibe too.

OP I do a bit, although I know it isn’t “real” and is probably just me looking for a way out of this dilemma. I try to look on it with detachment and think “what can I learn from this.”

Op, please find a new therapist!

+1 and Stat ! There are red flags all over this.

[Anonymous]

This is the honeymoon stage. There are serious red flags in your relationship. Don’t ignore your gut and fire your therapist, geez. He sounds terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have a jumble of thoughts so let me organize them for you.

- You want to get married
- You want to have kids
- You are 38 and have a deadline (in your head)
- You pay a therapist for help
- You have someone who wants to marry you and presumably wants to start a family with you

Here's the rub. You don't know if you should marry this guy who wants to marry you.

Let's break it down:

- You are an introvert
- You have a particular communication style
- You pay for someone to help you with relationships (your therapist)
- The person you pay for relationship therapy is saying you can't have your cake and eat it too in the timeframe you want it (this is true in many aspects of life but not always)
- The person you pay for relationship therapy is saying "you have to make BF the right person." Another way of saying that is that you are finding reasons to doubt the relationship
- Many on DCUM are saying - trust your gut, don't marry this guy. Keep in mind, none of these commenters have met you or your BF.
- But the rub is that you want to get married.

So how do you know if this is the guy you are to get married to?
- Slow it down and remove the timeframe
- Trust the person you are paying for advice - really hear what they are saying and try out their advice
- See if your BF responds well to a change in your behavior and see if they will adjust what is making your gut nervous
- Take it slow
- What the other commenters are saying is that they've been burned in the past and trying to warn you about their bad outcomes that they've experienced
- That doesn't mean the outcome will be bad for you
- All relationships have some give and take but it sounds like you need more time with your BF to make a marriage determination
- Remove the timeframe as that creates unnecessary pressure
- While you do want to have kids, who's to say that you will be able to give birth naturally? Maybe adoption or a surrogate is an option
- But I agree with other posters who have said, pick the correct spouse first and then worry about kids after that
- Only you, with the advice from your therapist and your experience with your BF, will be able to determine if this is the right relationship

You can do this OP!

Ludicrous.

Her choice is: kids with possibly the wrong guy, or no kids.

If she wants kids, THIS IS IT.

[Anonymous]

What do your friends think about your relationship? Do they like the guy? Do they think he treats you well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do your friends think about your relationship? Do they like the guy? Do they think he treats you well?

I should add that I don't think you should marry him just because your friends OR your therapist think you should. I'm just guessing that your friends or close family members would have additional insight into the relationship that your therapist might not have.

[Anonymous]

Run! Get out! You cannot get married with this amount of doubt. Your kids would suffer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Run! Get out! You cannot get married with this amount of doubt. Your kids would suffer

It won’t get better

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust your gut and do NOT marry your BF. The fact that he decided early on that you were the one and has gotten harsh with you over time sounds like he maybe love-bombed you at the beginning and is on his way to being abusive.

Also, dump your therapist. His advise is terrible.

You can have children without a spouse, but you definitely don't want to have children with someone you don't love or respect, or even worse, someone you are afraid of.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is better to be a single mother by choice than it is to marry the wrong person.

I hear you but I really don’t want to be a single mother either. I want a traditional family and would not have a child on my own.

I’m sorry OP but this is not the guy.

[Anonymous]

OP can people here explain why I should fire my therapist? More than half the people here are saying the same thing he is. The other half are saying run. Which basically mirrors my own internal dialogue!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP can people here explain why I should fire my therapist? More than half the people here are saying the same thing he is. The other half are saying run. Which basically mirrors my own internal dialogue!

OP have you spent much time around him while with your friends and family? What do they think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can people here explain why I should fire my therapist? More than half the people here are saying the same thing he is. The other half are saying run. Which basically mirrors my own internal dialogue!

OP have you spent much time around him while with your friends and family? What do they think?

Not that much. He made a good initial impression but overall hasn’t really bonded with them, except my parents; finds my friends judgmental and elitist/exclusionary, and feels I give them and values associated with some of them too much priority and weight vs the world he and I are building. He often feels I prioritize others too much over us and future us, and that I cling to values that don’t serve us as a couple while refusing to embrace ones that would.