Confused about getting married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say you are fond of your therapist, do you mean that you have a romantic crush on him?

I get that vibe too.

OP I do a bit, although I know it isn’t “real” and is probably just me looking for a way out of this dilemma. I try to look on it with detachment and think “what can I learn from this.”

Op, please find a new therapist!

OP as long as you’re seeing this therapist you’re going to sabotage every relationship you have. You don’t have time to waste on your crush.

[Anonymous]

Thanks I guess I am trying to figure out whether one or both of these relationships has to go.

[Anonymous]

OP - do you and your BF come from similar cultural / religious backgrounds? Traditional?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you and your BF come from similar cultural / religious backgrounds? Traditional?

Not sure what you mean. Similar income ways / education / socioeconomics / overall level of worldliness and dissimilar in others (religion, specific cultural backgrounds).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP can people here explain why I should fire my therapist? More than half the people here are saying the same thing he is. The other half are saying run. Which basically mirrors my own internal dialogue!

I was one who recommended you fire your therapist. I got the vibe from the beginning that you have feelings for your therapist and that is leading to some of the confusion you feel in your relationship with your boyfriend.

Your therapist sounds fine in terms of the advice he’s given you. But it’s the fact that you may have romantic feelings for him that makes me worry.

Have you shared your romantic feelings with your therapist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you and your BF come from similar cultural / religious backgrounds? Traditional?

Not sure what you mean. Similar income ways / education / socioeconomics / overall level of worldliness and dissimilar in others (religion, specific cultural backgrounds).

How different in terms of religion (like catholic and Lutheran? Or Mormon and Muslim?) Do you place similar levels of importance on religion (e.g.-I was raised catholic, am now an atheist. My DH was raised Jewish and is now also an atheist-so really we are the same even if our backgrounds are different).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can people here explain why I should fire my therapist? More than half the people here are saying the same thing he is. The other half are saying run. Which basically mirrors my own internal dialogue!

I was one who recommended you fire your therapist. I got the vibe from the beginning that you have feelings for your therapist and that is leading to some of the confusion you feel in your relationship with your boyfriend.

Your therapist sounds fine in terms of the advice he’s given you. But it’s the fact that you may have romantic feelings for him that makes me worry.

Have you shared your romantic feelings with your therapist?

I'm not sure why this would be cause for worry? From what I understand it's pretty common and predictable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can people here explain why I should fire my therapist? More than half the people here are saying the same thing he is. The other half are saying run. Which basically mirrors my own internal dialogue!

I was one who recommended you fire your therapist. I got the vibe from the beginning that you have feelings for your therapist and that is leading to some of the confusion you feel in your relationship with your boyfriend.

Your therapist sounds fine in terms of the advice he’s given you. But it’s the fact that you may have romantic feelings for him that makes me worry.

Have you shared your romantic feelings with your therapist?

I'm not sure why this would be cause for worry? From what I understand it's pretty common and predictable.

It's normal, but this person should no longer be oos therapist

[Anonymous]

OP have you spent much time around him while with your friends and family? What do they think?


Not that much. He made a good initial impression but overall hasn’t really bonded with them, except my parents; finds my friends judgmental and elitist/exclusionary, and feels I give them and values associated with some of them too much priority and weight vs the world he and I are building. He often feels I prioritize others too much over us and future us, and that I cling to values that don’t serve us as a couple while refusing to embrace ones that would.

can you give an example of this? I am getting somewhat controlling vibes both from your boyfriend and your therapist and that deep down, inside, you disagree with these men but dont have the confidence to break it off or stand up for yourself and your feelings beliefs and desires.

what is "the world that he and I are building"--how does that exclude your friends? can you give an example of this conflict? Are they materialistic and shallow and your bf wants more down to earth family oriented? or is it something more about you--do you feel that he is trying to change who you are and the person you have been, your friends, your interests?

finally, the bottom line here is this.... it doesn't matter whether the issue is with you or the boyfriend. Maybe it is you, maybe you're too picky or whatever...but....If you are having these doubts they will not magically go away if you get married. I dont think you shoudldget married. I think you need a new therapist and maybe couples counseling with the boyfriend.

I also get the pressure you're under. I couldnt imagine life without kids and in my late 30s with a series of failed relationships felt like I had to cling to the life raft of a bad relationship. But here's what I feel now, on the other side of 50. THere's a period where you feel like your life will be empty and berefit without marriage/kids. But once you get past your early 40s, and that kind of falls away, a whole new world opens. One with lots of possibility. I have a few friends---four--who got married in mid 40s. Three dont have kids and they are the happiest. the fourth did IVF etcand is happy to be a mom but not happy in marriage. I did end up marrying at 38, having kids, becuase I felt the pressure you feel. And I fortunately chose a good guy. But I can honestly say that if I made it to the other side of 42 or so without kids, I probably would have gone child free and I realize that I would likely be happier now. I just didn't even really think that was a possibility in my 30s, it felt like a race to procreate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can people here explain why I should fire my therapist? More than half the people here are saying the same thing he is. The other half are saying run. Which basically mirrors my own internal dialogue!

I was one who recommended you fire your therapist. I got the vibe from the beginning that you have feelings for your therapist and that is leading to some of the confusion you feel in your relationship with your boyfriend.

Your therapist sounds fine in terms of the advice he’s given you. But it’s the fact that you may have romantic feelings for him that makes me worry.

Have you shared your romantic feelings with your therapist?

I'm not sure why this would be cause for worry? From what I understand it's pretty common and predictable.

It's normal, but this person should no longer be oos therapist

Can you explain why? I thought you were supposed to use and not runaway from these things. At least I think that’s the theory.

[Anonymous]

OP, To the PP with the long post above (thank you), not having kids would be tantamount to death for me. It’s just how I’m built and it won’t change.

[Anonymous]

You should find someone else to have kids with given how he behaves when you disagree (big red flag). Don’t waste your time. This is not someone you want to parent with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, To the PP with the long post above (thank you), not having kids would be tantamount to death for me. It’s just how I’m built and it won’t change.

Well then OP, I think so long as your boyfriend isn’t abusive then you settle on him and have your babies and let the chips fall where they may. It’s too late for you to risk never having kids at all in the hopes of finding someone better. You presumably have at Least 15 years of dating experience at this point. Surely you have a sense of what kind of man you can attract by now.

Of course if he’s abusive then this doesn’t apply and you should leave.

All our husbands are flawed. Just like you. We are human.

[Anonymous]

Don’t get married…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks I guess I am trying to figure out whether one or both of these relationships has to go.

Not to be snarky, but are you really the best judge? I mean, you are presumably in therapy for a reason…and single/childless for a reason.

Is there any chance you have an excellent therapist who believes you have unrealistic expectations and sabotage romantic relationships?

Is there any chance you are the one who feels entitled to get their way and you get upset when he simply disagrees or gets frustrated with you?

Re: fighting styles - I’m not a fan of the way my DH sometimes sulks or flies off the handle. But, 25+ years later, we’re still happily married with a handful of great kids. The sex is still great, too.