Confused about getting married
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Anonymous
| I am in a relationship with a man who was to marry me. I am 38 and really want to marry and have children. About 18m ago I started seeing a male therapist (I am female) about relationship issues and why I was still single and a few months later met my current BF/almost-fiancé who decided early on that I was the one. It was mutual at first but then I started having doubts based in our disagreements on what to do next/next life steps and also his communication/argument style which over time has been more frustrated and harsh. Have expressed doubts to therapist, and he keeps telling me we are not meant to have everything we want in life at the same time, and that I have to “make [BF] the right person.” Am so confused about how to proceed. On one hand have my doubts, on other hand this could be my last chance to get married and have kids an am trying to get over doubts with help of therapist but not sure I should. Background I wasn’t abused or have any huge trauma that should prevent pairing which really want in life. I’m just introverted and insecure and have a hard time meeting men despite being physically attractive and intelligent. So if I break up with BF it’s unlikely someone new would surface in time to reproduce. |
Anonymous
| You don’t need to have a man to reproduce. It’s becoming more common for women to have a baby on their own by choice. If what you really want is to have a baby, focus on doing that. Don’t tie yourself to a guy that you don’t really like just to get a baby. You can always meet a guy later on and get married, but you can’t have a baby forever. |
Anonymous
|
I completely disagree with your therapist when it comes to marriage.
What are your doubts and disagreements about? Do not get married to someone just to have kids because you feel you are running out of time. Just don't. Too often that turns into a disaster.. you may have to become a mom on your own and find a guy later in life. Just IMO you shouldn't be in therapy for how to find men. You should be in therapy for how to improve your self-esteem and how to put yourself out there more. |
Anonymous
| If a guy communicates with you in a harsh manner drop him at once. There is nothing worse for an insecure person. It will be soul crushing. I say this as someone who is a harsh communicator and working very hard on changing. My relationship works because my partner is extremely secure. Having kids is a lovely but frustrating experience. He will be tested often. He is already showing incompatibility on less difficult communication tests. |
Anonymous
Hi, thanks, re: therapy goals it amounts to the same thing. |
Anonymous
| Your therapist isn’t the one getting married. |
Anonymous
|
Find a new therapist.
You BF Needs to agree on working in his argument style or dump him. |
Anonymous
|
Trust your gut and do NOT marry your BF. The fact that he decided early on that you were the one and has gotten harsh with you over time sounds like he maybe love-bombed you at the beginning and is on his way to being abusive.
Also, dump your therapist. His advise is terrible. You can have children without a spouse, but you definitely don't want to have children with someone you don't love or respect, or even worse, someone you are afraid of. |
Anonymous
| It is better to be a single mother by choice than it is to marry the wrong person. |
Anonymous
I hear you but I really don’t want to be a single mother either. I want a traditional family and would not have a child on my own. |
Anonymous
|
Find a new therapist immediately. There are a lot of rap ones out there.
Can you give an example or two of his communication style/harshness? |
Anonymous
If you want a traditional marriage marrying a verbally abusive dude is very traditional |
Anonymous
Unfortunately I am confused about the therapist also. He is the best one I’ve ever had (previously had female therapists for other subjects but this time sought out a male for different perspective on my specific set of issues). It seemed to be a good thing that I met my almost-fiancé within a few months of starting treatment with him. But at times I feel that it’s only bc of therapist that I am even able to be in this relationship. But that may be a testament to helpfulness of therapy. Am very fond of the therapist which I recognize is a projection and part of the therapy, and I try to transfer those positive vibes to my BF. I am confused though about whether overall positive vibes about therapist are masking or affecting my judgment about BF (which if true would mean therapist is also somehow blind to this), basically very much questioning my own perceptions and judgement which is made more difficult by the fact that I am open to change, which is why I’m in treatment, but now feel that bc of it my compass that I entered therapy to change, is maybe not reliable. |
Anonymous
| I think -- real talk -- this IS your last/only chance to marry and have kids, so I think you should do it, while also planning to start couples therapy with your near-fiance to work on communication and argument styles. |
Anonymous
| I had a similar problem in my mid thirties and my female therapist suggested I freeze my eggs. If you can afford it and it's not too late, please consider as it might help you make your decision regarding your BF without the stress of hurrying to start of a family.... |