What do you do when you have a type but your type is not interested in you?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:How old are you? What is your type?

30. Tall, skinny white guys, with dark hair, bonus if they have glasses the nerdier and more awkward they are the better. I don't restrict myself to this type. I accept dates from any guy that asks. Sometimes the dates go well and sometimes they don't. I generally allow for 2-3 dates before cutting it off if I'm not feeling it.

And what are you like?

I am brown, slightly above average height for a female at 5'7" thin ( 130 lbs), and nerdy myself.

Well this is sad.

Why is it sad?

Getting rejected by nerdy, awkward types. Pining after men who don't want you as a brown woman and not having enough self awareness to at least keep that to yourself. The Ls keep piling up. Yikes. Wishing OP the best.

News flash - brown skin is not on the list of exclusion factors for the majority of men. We will exclude you for other reasons, but skin color is not one of them.

BS. Yes it is, especially for nerdy white guys. They would fall all over themselves for a white girl with elf ears or an East Asian girl. OP, stop hating yourself and your own kind and give the guys who like you a chance!

I wasn't even going to go back and forth with him. Its like they can't bear when their racism and colorism is called out. OP needs to open her eyes and at least keep her self respect in tact. Probably needs some soul searching for why this is her type too

+1. There are absolutely nerdy white guys that would be into OP but let’s not pretend that this group, at large, doesn’t have racial preferences. It’s disingenuous.

[Anonymous]

From an outsider's perspective, "accountant or professor types" would seem to have a lot of overlap with nerdy.

Also I think it's interesting that you only list physical characteristics when recounting your type. Dig a little deeper into the type of guy who would be right for you, emotionally, intellectually, etc. You might find that there are attributes more important than being physically awkward or tall. You might even find a red-haired, average-height, average-height guy with 20/20 vision who appeals to your nerdy side and gives you butterflies despite not meeting your Clark Kent ideal.

[Anonymous]

brown girl pining over white boys is maybe the root of the problem. not about racism but just about attraction. white guys generally speaking date white girls, then asian .. especially the nerdy type guys seem to be more with asian girls. so brown/black is probably lower on the attraction spectrum for the average white nerdy boy

if you restrict yourself to a race that is not your own and to a type that might not usually go for your type then you only have yourself to blame

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:brown girl pining over white boys is maybe the root of the problem. not about racism but just about attraction. white guys generally speaking date white girls, then asian .. especially the nerdy type guys seem to be more with asian girls. so brown/black is probably lower on the attraction spectrum for the average white nerdy boy

if you restrict yourself to a race that is not your own and to a type that might not usually go for your type then you only have yourself to blame

did you guys read about the latest and greatest census report? we are now the most diverse generation ever. BUT only 4% are still mixed race couples. Hello, OP please accept reality. i'm not saying it cannot happen but chances are less.

BTW on a side note I'm a brown guy married 12yrs to a white girl .. of course I dated all races before I got married but most of them were my own race. I dated a couple white girls before I met my wife, it just happened. so it can happen but IT IS NOT THE NORM even in lib DMV area. I was somewhat saddened to learn that still only 4% of this country are mixed race. so my kids are still very much in the minority. hope none of them get whatever affliction the OP has to be only interested in a certain type or certain race and that being a race not even her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:brown girl pining over white boys is maybe the root of the problem. not about racism but just about attraction. white guys generally speaking date white girls, then asian .. especially the nerdy type guys seem to be more with asian girls. so brown/black is probably lower on the attraction spectrum for the average white nerdy boy

if you restrict yourself to a race that is not your own and to a type that might not usually go for your type then you only have yourself to blame

did you guys read about the latest and greatest census report? we are now the most diverse generation ever. BUT only 4% are still mixed race couples. Hello, OP please accept reality. i'm not saying it cannot happen but chances are less.

BTW on a side note I'm a brown guy married 12yrs to a white girl .. of course I dated all races before I got married but most of them were my own race. I dated a couple white girls before I met my wife, it just happened. so it can happen but IT IS NOT THE NORM even in lib DMV area. I was somewhat saddened to learn that still only 4% of this country are mixed race. so my kids are still very much in the minority. hope none of them get whatever affliction the OP has to be only interested in a certain type or certain race and that being a race not even her own.

why are you saddened to learn only 4% of the country is mixed race? Most people marry within their own race. That is the norm. White men are attracted to white women primarily. That is normal. What is abnormal is looking at your own race and thinking to yourself - nope, not for me! Internalized hatred is a terrible thing.

As for mixed race, I hate to be the one to break this to you but in the U.S. if your kids are brown, having a white parent doesn't give them any advantages other than maybe some benefits from colorism when they are compared to darker complexioned people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? What is your type?

30. Tall, skinny white guys, with dark hair, bonus if they have glasses the nerdier and more awkward they are the better. I don't restrict myself to this type. I accept dates from any guy that asks. Sometimes the dates go well and sometimes they don't. I generally allow for 2-3 dates before cutting it off if I'm not feeling it.

Have tried going to some of the game nights games stores run?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? What is your type?

30. Tall, skinny white guys, with dark hair, bonus if they have glasses the nerdier and more awkward they are the better. I don't restrict myself to this type. I accept dates from any guy that asks. Sometimes the dates go well and sometimes they don't. I generally allow for 2-3 dates before cutting it off if I'm not feeling it.

Have tried going to some of the game nights games stores run?

Also, you may have to ask out a guy like that and not wait for them to ask you.

- mother of tall white guys with dark hair that are nerdy and awkward. They are not skinny though.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? What is your type?

30. Tall, skinny white guys, with dark hair, bonus if they have glasses the nerdier and more awkward they are the better. I don't restrict myself to this type. I accept dates from any guy that asks. Sometimes the dates go well and sometimes they don't. I generally allow for 2-3 dates before cutting it off if I'm not feeling it.

And what are you like?

I am brown, slightly above average height for a female at 5'7" thin ( 130 lbs), and nerdy myself.

Well this is sad.

Why is it sad?

Getting rejected by nerdy, awkward types. Pining after men who don't want you as a brown woman and not having enough self awareness to at least keep that to yourself. The Ls keep piling up. Yikes. Wishing OP the best.

News flash - brown skin is not on the list of exclusion factors for the majority of men. We will exclude you for other reasons, but skin color is not one of them.

BS. Yes it is, especially for nerdy white guys. They would fall all over themselves for a white girl with elf ears or an East Asian girl. OP, stop hating yourself and your own kind and give the guys who like you a chance!

I wasn't even going to go back and forth with him. Its like they can't bear when their racism and colorism is called out. OP needs to open her eyes and at least keep her self respect in tact. Probably needs some soul searching for why this is her type too

+1. There are absolutely nerdy white guys that would be into OP but let’s not pretend that this group, at large, doesn’t have racial preferences. It’s disingenuous.

Wow. Op is the ONE with skin color preference. She wants a WHITE guy only. Op is the problem not other cultures.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
I date all races. Like I said before I've never turned down a date from a fuy who expressed interest. I've accepted dates from all races, men who were taller than me, shorter than me and the same height. I've accepted dates from men who are overweight and men who were skinny. I have had crushes on and been attracted to all types of men. I have just noticed that the guys who 9/10 catch my eye almost instantly are as I described in my OP. I didn't get much into to values because I don't accept dates from guys who don't share my values or interests. I have mostly had great conversations and been on great dates with all the men I've been out with. The problem is I am left feeling like I am hanging out with a buddy, a brother, or a cousin. It a good time and a good conversation, but I am not at all attracted to them and in a couple of cases have felt physically ill just thinking of kissing the guy.

There was in fact a guy who was not the type I described at all who I would have continued seeing, but he ghosted me after a couple of dates. There was another guy as well who was different physically from my type but I enjoyed his company and we had great conversations. I wasn't extremely physically attracted to him, but I felt like that was something that could grow had we spent more time together, The problem with him was that he had no time to spend with me Was constantly late for dates or wanted to reschedule, and never wanted to make a solid plan for our time together, I felt like an afterthought so I ended things.


As for why I think I may have a type. I didn't grow up in a very diverse area like DC so the guys who were available for dating during high school and college were white. The first guy I truly had deep feelings for was a tall nerdy white guy, we didn't work out too young, but I think I may be caught up on him in some way.

[Anonymous]

I know a few girls like OP and don’t understand it. The girls I know have a bit of self loathing and that’s why they won’t date within their race. My best friend in particular is very very popular. She gets asked out by all races but only accepts dates with preppy white boys. And those relationships don’t seem to go anywhere. I think she’s eliminating too many guys (like 3/4 of the ones who ask her out).

I think racial requirements are just a very strange dating requirement. It’s like the least important characteristic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a few girls like OP and don’t understand it. The girls I know have a bit of self loathing and that’s why they won’t date within their race. My best friend in particular is very very popular. She gets asked out by all races but only accepts dates with preppy white boys. And those relationships don’t seem to go anywhere. I think she’s eliminating too many guys (like 3/4 of the ones who ask her out).

I think racial requirements are just a very strange dating requirement. It’s like the least important characteristic.

OP here. I never said I had a racial requirement that is something another poster made up or assumed. All I said was the type I am most frequently attracted to tends to fit one description. I also said literally in the post just above yours that I accept dates from all races of men. I also don't hate myself at all. I'm very much into my culture, the majority of the dates I have been on have been with men from within my culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I date all races. Like I said before I've never turned down a date from a fuy who expressed interest. I've accepted dates from all races, men who were taller than me, shorter than me and the same height. I've accepted dates from men who are overweight and men who were skinny. I have had crushes on and been attracted to all types of men. I have just noticed that the guys who 9/10 catch my eye almost instantly are as I described in my OP. I didn't get much into to values because I don't accept dates from guys who don't share my values or interests. I have mostly had great conversations and been on great dates with all the men I've been out with. The problem is I am left feeling like I am hanging out with a buddy, a brother, or a cousin. It a good time and a good conversation, but I am not at all attracted to them and in a couple of cases have felt physically ill just thinking of kissing the guy.

There was in fact a guy who was not the type I described at all who I would have continued seeing, but he ghosted me after a couple of dates. There was another guy as well who was different physically from my type but I enjoyed his company and we had great conversations. I wasn't extremely physically attracted to him, but I felt like that was something that could grow had we spent more time together, The problem with him was that he had no time to spend with me Was constantly late for dates or wanted to reschedule, and never wanted to make a solid plan for our time together, I felt like an afterthought so I ended things.


As for why I think I may have a type. I didn't grow up in a very diverse area like DC so the guys who were available for dating during high school and college were white. The first guy I truly had deep feelings for was a tall nerdy white guy, we didn't work out too young, but I think I may be caught up on him in some way.

FWIW - I used to have a pretty specific type: skinny, nerdy, blond guys. Sometimes brown hair, sometimes not SO skinny, but that was the basic model of what I thought I liked. My husband is none of those things except for nerdy. He was 100% not my physical type, plus he did all sorts of annoying things that made me think there was zero chance in the world that I could date him. We became friends and I got to know him, and I saw how funny he is, how brilliant, how great he treated me - and then *he* became my type. Happily married a decade now.

Just to say - your type today may not be your type in the end, if you meet someone great, which hopefully you are. Don't think yourself into a corner with this. You say you accept dates with all sorts of guys - make sure you're really giving them a chance beyond buying you dinner. And good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a close friend like this. She’s 46 and still single. My theory is she only desired unrealistic men because she has a fear of intimacy. There were plenty of nice guys into her, but she was never interested.

My friend is like this too, or at least it’s also my working theory. Her dealbreaker checklist for finding a partner is so long and hyperspecific it makes me thinks it’s a convenient way to not find someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I date all races. Like I said before I've never turned down a date from a fuy who expressed interest. I've accepted dates from all races, men who were taller than me, shorter than me and the same height. I've accepted dates from men who are overweight and men who were skinny. I have had crushes on and been attracted to all types of men. I have just noticed that the guys who 9/10 catch my eye almost instantly are as I described in my OP. I didn't get much into to values because I don't accept dates from guys who don't share my values or interests. I have mostly had great conversations and been on great dates with all the men I've been out with. The problem is I am left feeling like I am hanging out with a buddy, a brother, or a cousin. It a good time and a good conversation, but I am not at all attracted to them and in a couple of cases have felt physically ill just thinking of kissing the guy.

There was in fact a guy who was not the type I described at all who I would have continued seeing, but he ghosted me after a couple of dates. There was another guy as well who was different physically from my type but I enjoyed his company and we had great conversations. I wasn't extremely physically attracted to him, but I felt like that was something that could grow had we spent more time together, The problem with him was that he had no time to spend with me Was constantly late for dates or wanted to reschedule, and never wanted to make a solid plan for our time together, I felt like an afterthought so I ended things.


As for why I think I may have a type. I didn't grow up in a very diverse area like DC so the guys who were available for dating during high school and college were white. The first guy I truly had deep feelings for was a tall nerdy white guy, we didn't work out too young, but I think I may be caught up on him in some way.

I agree that the bolded in your post is a problem, but I'm wondering if it's not the one you think it is. Ask yourself why you think that having a great conversation with someone on a date leads you to immediately "friend zone" them, rather than see that as a foundation for a future dating relationship. It's not clear to me if what you're saying is that you absolutely don't see these guys as attractive or if you don't see them as dating material. If the latter, I think maybe give yourself a chance to get to know them better before deciding the attractive guy you have great conversations with will only ever be a "buddy, brother, or cousin" just because he's not your type. FWIW, my DH was more of a "buddy" at first, albeit one I found attractive despite also thinking it was weird since he wasn't my type...our friendship eventually turned into a relationship and then into a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I date all races. Like I said before I've never turned down a date from a fuy who expressed interest. I've accepted dates from all races, men who were taller than me, shorter than me and the same height. I've accepted dates from men who are overweight and men who were skinny. I have had crushes on and been attracted to all types of men. I have just noticed that the guys who 9/10 catch my eye almost instantly are as I described in my OP. I didn't get much into to values because I don't accept dates from guys who don't share my values or interests. I have mostly had great conversations and been on great dates with all the men I've been out with. The problem is I am left feeling like I am hanging out with a buddy, a brother, or a cousin. It a good time and a good conversation, but I am not at all attracted to them and in a couple of cases have felt physically ill just thinking of kissing the guy.

There was in fact a guy who was not the type I described at all who I would have continued seeing, but he ghosted me after a couple of dates. There was another guy as well who was different physically from my type but I enjoyed his company and we had great conversations. I wasn't extremely physically attracted to him, but I felt like that was something that could grow had we spent more time together, The problem with him was that he had no time to spend with me Was constantly late for dates or wanted to reschedule, and never wanted to make a solid plan for our time together, I felt like an afterthought so I ended things.


As for why I think I may have a type. I didn't grow up in a very diverse area like DC so the guys who were available for dating during high school and college were white. The first guy I truly had deep feelings for was a tall nerdy white guy, we didn't work out too young, but I think I may be caught up on him in some way.

I agree that the bolded in your post is a problem, but I'm wondering if it's not the one you think it is. Ask yourself why you think that having a great conversation with someone on a date leads you to immediately "friend zone" them, rather than see that as a foundation for a future dating relationship. It's not clear to me if what you're saying is that you absolutely don't see these guys as attractive or if you don't see them as dating material. If the latter, I think maybe give yourself a chance to get to know them better before deciding the attractive guy you have great conversations with will only ever be a "buddy, brother, or cousin" just because he's not your type. FWIW, my DH was more of a "buddy" at first, albeit one I found attractive despite also thinking it was weird since he wasn't my type...our friendship eventually turned into a relationship and then into a marriage.

Again you are practicing selective reading because I did not say having a good conversation equals friend zone.The problem is that after 3 dates. I usually give it at least 3 dates if my only interest in you is talking to you, we have a problem. I'm not going to convince myself I can't have a partner I'm sexually and emotionally attracted to. I'd rather remain single if getting serious means zero sexual attraction.