What do you do when you have a type but your type is not interested in you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I date all races. Like I said before I've never turned down a date from a fuy who expressed interest. I've accepted dates from all races, men who were taller than me, shorter than me and the same height. I've accepted dates from men who are overweight and men who were skinny. I have had crushes on and been attracted to all types of men. I have just noticed that the guys who 9/10 catch my eye almost instantly are as I described in my OP. I didn't get much into to values because I don't accept dates from guys who don't share my values or interests. I have mostly had great conversations and been on great dates with all the men I've been out with. The problem is I am left feeling like I am hanging out with a buddy, a brother, or a cousin. It a good time and a good conversation, but I am not at all attracted to them and in a couple of cases have felt physically ill just thinking of kissing the guy.

There was in fact a guy who was not the type I described at all who I would have continued seeing, but he ghosted me after a couple of dates. There was another guy as well who was different physically from my type but I enjoyed his company and we had great conversations. I wasn't extremely physically attracted to him, but I felt like that was something that could grow had we spent more time together, The problem with him was that he had no time to spend with me Was constantly late for dates or wanted to reschedule, and never wanted to make a solid plan for our time together, I felt like an afterthought so I ended things.


As for why I think I may have a type. I didn't grow up in a very diverse area like DC so the guys who were available for dating during high school and college were white. The first guy I truly had deep feelings for was a tall nerdy white guy, we didn't work out too young, but I think I may be caught up on him in some way.

I agree that the bolded in your post is a problem, but I'm wondering if it's not the one you think it is. Ask yourself why you think that having a great conversation with someone on a date leads you to immediately "friend zone" them, rather than see that as a foundation for a future dating relationship. It's not clear to me if what you're saying is that you absolutely don't see these guys as attractive or if you don't see them as dating material. If the latter, I think maybe give yourself a chance to get to know them better before deciding the attractive guy you have great conversations with will only ever be a "buddy, brother, or cousin" just because he's not your type. FWIW, my DH was more of a "buddy" at first, albeit one I found attractive despite also thinking it was weird since he wasn't my type...our friendship eventually turned into a relationship and then into a marriage.

Again you are practicing selective reading because I did not say having a good conversation equals friend zone.The problem is that after 3 dates. I usually give it at least 3 dates if my only interest in you is talking to you, we have a problem. I'm not going to convince myself I can't have a partner I'm sexually and emotionally attracted to. I'd rather remain single if getting serious means zero sexual attraction.

IME, three dates is not enough time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I date all races. Like I said before I've never turned down a date from a fuy who expressed interest. I've accepted dates from all races, men who were taller than me, shorter than me and the same height. I've accepted dates from men who are overweight and men who were skinny. I have had crushes on and been attracted to all types of men. I have just noticed that the guys who 9/10 catch my eye almost instantly are as I described in my OP. I didn't get much into to values because I don't accept dates from guys who don't share my values or interests. I have mostly had great conversations and been on great dates with all the men I've been out with. The problem is I am left feeling like I am hanging out with a buddy, a brother, or a cousin. It a good time and a good conversation, but I am not at all attracted to them and in a couple of cases have felt physically ill just thinking of kissing the guy.

There was in fact a guy who was not the type I described at all who I would have continued seeing, but he ghosted me after a couple of dates. There was another guy as well who was different physically from my type but I enjoyed his company and we had great conversations. I wasn't extremely physically attracted to him, but I felt like that was something that could grow had we spent more time together, The problem with him was that he had no time to spend with me Was constantly late for dates or wanted to reschedule, and never wanted to make a solid plan for our time together, I felt like an afterthought so I ended things.


As for why I think I may have a type. I didn't grow up in a very diverse area like DC so the guys who were available for dating during high school and college were white. The first guy I truly had deep feelings for was a tall nerdy white guy, we didn't work out too young, but I think I may be caught up on him in some way.

I agree that the bolded in your post is a problem, but I'm wondering if it's not the one you think it is. Ask yourself why you think that having a great conversation with someone on a date leads you to immediately "friend zone" them, rather than see that as a foundation for a future dating relationship. It's not clear to me if what you're saying is that you absolutely don't see these guys as attractive or if you don't see them as dating material. If the latter, I think maybe give yourself a chance to get to know them better before deciding the attractive guy you have great conversations with will only ever be a "buddy, brother, or cousin" just because he's not your type. FWIW, my DH was more of a "buddy" at first, albeit one I found attractive despite also thinking it was weird since he wasn't my type...our friendship eventually turned into a relationship and then into a marriage.

Again you are practicing selective reading because I did not say having a good conversation equals friend zone.The problem is that after 3 dates. I usually give it at least 3 dates if my only interest in you is talking to you, we have a problem. I'm not going to convince myself I can't have a partner I'm sexually and emotionally attracted to. I'd rather remain single if getting serious means zero sexual attraction.

IME, three dates is not enough time.

3 dates is more than enough time to tell if you are sexually attracted to someone not all women want to spend a month convincing themselves they are into someone only to convince themselves 6 months later it's okay to break up with a really nice guy they just aren't into.

[Anonymous]

OP, three dates is not enough time. If you are even somewhat attracted to them, I would give them a month. It's not like what you are doing now is currently working.

My type was tall blond guys. Ended up dating and marrying an average height red headed guy. We started off as friends until we weren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, three dates is not enough time. If you are even somewhat attracted to them, I would give them a month. It's not like what you are doing now is currently working.

My type was tall blond guys. Ended up dating and marrying an average height red headed guy. We started off as friends until we weren't.

I'm sorry, but I think it's really bad advice to to tell op to date a guy she's not into for a month. If you aren't into someone you aren't into someone. Move on and stop wasting each other's time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, three dates is not enough time. If you are even somewhat attracted to them, I would give them a month. It's not like what you are doing now is currently working.

My type was tall blond guys. Ended up dating and marrying an average height red headed guy. We started off as friends until we weren't.

I'm sorry, but I think it's really bad advice to to tell op to date a guy she's not into for a month. If you aren't into someone you aren't into someone. Move on and stop wasting each other's time.

+1, this is terrible advice for people who know relatively quickly whether they are going to be attracted to someone or not (I am one of those people). I gave it 2-3 dates max, and then cut our losses after that. Going on dates for a month when you feel nothing for the other person is just torture for both parties.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in a similar situation to you 10+ years ago (also South Asian, and also had a "type" (not tall skinny white guys though) that never seemed to like me. I think the suggestion of going to events where these guys might show up is a good one. I think also you would be wise to try identify characteristics (other than race/height) that you find attractive - because those two are going to really reduce your dating pool. Tall, smart, fit, ambitious white guys who make a good living have no shortage of prospects (even the nerdy ones), so to the extent you can, try and keep more of an open mind on the dates you go on. The other option, of course, is to settle. I have friends who did that and actually seem relatively happy. Time will tell if it works out or not, of course.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would do what several PPs have suggested: create a detailed list of character traits for your type (i.e. likes spending time outdoors, is close with his family, passionate about food, etc.). Then when you go on dates, you may feel more of a connection and attraction to men who fit those criteria but aren't necessarily your physical type.

It also sounds like you may need a little help in attracting and maintaining a man's attention? That's not meant as an insult, just you may not be putting your best food forward when first meeting men. Do you think that may be a possibility?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? What is your type?

30. Tall, skinny white guys, with dark hair, bonus if they have glasses the nerdier and more awkward they are the better. I don't restrict myself to this type. I accept dates from any guy that asks. Sometimes the dates go well and sometimes they don't. I generally allow for 2-3 dates before cutting it off if I'm not feeling it.

Have tried going to some of the game nights games stores run?

Also, you may have to ask out a guy like that and not wait for them to ask you.

- mother of tall white guys with dark hair that are nerdy and awkward. They are not skinny though.

Yes, I thought this. OP, you said repeatedly that you "accept dates." That sounds pretty passive to me.

[Anonymous]

Get thee to a Trek convention or Comic Con!

[Anonymous]

Interesting thread. I'm sort of the opposite of the OP. I'm a very tall, thin, white guy who is an academic. More athletic than nerdy (and I can't stand most science fiction, or comic books). I was married to a South Asian for a long time, and mostly dated and had relationships with South Asians before and after my marriage. I have met many South Asian women who only date white men, and many of those women were divorced from South Asian men.

I'm now in a long-term relationship with a white woman, and I am very happy to be with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is OP the Indian girl who always posts here?

+1

[Anonymous]

My type is white man with dark hair and blue eyes. This is almost a universal type.