Harmless crush while married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there is a difference between having a crush and seeking out that crush. I am a PP. I’m not saying to stop having a crush. You can’t control how you feel. But you can absolutely control your conscious behavior and conscious thoughts. Do not seek out this crush and do not daydream about your crush.

If you cannot control yourself and find yourself fixating please get help. Like therapy to work through what’s going on here. If you are fixating that will also be a tell that something would have eventually probs happened and not good.

+1 at a certain point, especially in adult life a crush becomes inappropriate if not unhealthy.

There's a thing called limerance and it's not healthy and I think that's what some pps are experiencing.

Hmm… learn a new word every day.

Interesting that half the PPs are like, hey this is healthy and enjoy it. And half are like, it’s pathological and will ruin your life and marriage. There must be something very unresolved about the way we as a society deal with attraction if the response is split in such a polarized way. Maybe it would be healthier not to place such a huge emphasis on monogamy, and define everything around an ideal that excludes any other feelings towards others as threats.

My personal feeling is that a crush doesn’t necessarily have to be a reflection of where you are with your marriage. We have different intense (positive and negative) feelings for everyone in our lives, and then we have these templates that kind of channel and interpret them in a way that is deemed socially acceptable. Maybe the truth is we can have feelings like this outside of marriage and it just is what it is. If so I’d like to think it would be possible to accept and acknowledge it instead of repressing it.

[Anonymous]

A crush is fine, chatting/laughing with them at the office, fine. Once it starts to feel more “real” or I start to feel like I’m getting hit on I feel icky and back off immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there is a difference between having a crush and seeking out that crush. I am a PP. I’m not saying to stop having a crush. You can’t control how you feel. But you can absolutely control your conscious behavior and conscious thoughts. Do not seek out this crush and do not daydream about your crush.

If you cannot control yourself and find yourself fixating please get help. Like therapy to work through what’s going on here. If you are fixating that will also be a tell that something would have eventually probs happened and not good.

+1 at a certain point, especially in adult life a crush becomes inappropriate if not unhealthy.

There's a thing called limerance and it's not healthy and I think that's what some pps are experiencing.

Hmm… learn a new word every day.

Interesting that half the PPs are like, hey this is healthy and enjoy it. And half are like, it’s pathological and will ruin your life and marriage. There must be something very unresolved about the way we as a society deal with attraction if the response is split in such a polarized way. Maybe it would be healthier not to place such a huge emphasis on monogamy, and define everything around an ideal that excludes any other feelings towards others as threats.

My personal feeling is that a crush doesn’t necessarily have to be a reflection of where you are with your marriage. We have different intense (positive and negative) feelings for everyone in our lives, and then we have these templates that kind of channel and interpret them in a way that is deemed socially acceptable. Maybe the truth is we can have feelings like this outside of marriage and it just is what it is. If so I’d like to think it would be possible to accept and acknowledge it instead of repressing it.

Lots of word salad pp. A crush and monogamy have nothing to do with each other. But it's very interesting, and telling imo that you chose to bring that up.

You are also not reading carefully, most have said a crush is normal even healthy, but at a certain point a crush stops being a crush and crosses into the territory of being unhealthy for the person with the crush and their relationships even if they don't admit it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there is a difference between having a crush and seeking out that crush. I am a PP. I’m not saying to stop having a crush. You can’t control how you feel. But you can absolutely control your conscious behavior and conscious thoughts. Do not seek out this crush and do not daydream about your crush.

If you cannot control yourself and find yourself fixating please get help. Like therapy to work through what’s going on here. If you are fixating that will also be a tell that something would have eventually probs happened and not good.

+1 at a certain point, especially in adult life a crush becomes inappropriate if not unhealthy.

There's a thing called limerance and it's not healthy and I think that's what some pps are experiencing.

Hmm… learn a new word every day.

Interesting that half the PPs are like, hey this is healthy and enjoy it. And half are like, it’s pathological and will ruin your life and marriage. There must be something very unresolved about the way we as a society deal with attraction if the response is split in such a polarized way. Maybe it would be healthier not to place such a huge emphasis on monogamy, and define everything around an ideal that excludes any other feelings towards others as threats.

My personal feeling is that a crush doesn’t necessarily have to be a reflection of where you are with your marriage. We have different intense (positive and negative) feelings for everyone in our lives, and then we have these templates that kind of channel and interpret them in a way that is deemed socially acceptable. Maybe the truth is we can have feelings like this outside of marriage and it just is what it is. If so I’d like to think it would be possible to accept and acknowledge it instead of repressing it.

Lots of word salad pp. A crush and monogamy have nothing to do with each other. But it's very interesting, and telling imo that you chose to bring that up.

You are also not reading carefully, most have said a crush is normal even healthy, but at a certain point a crush stops being a crush and crosses into the territory of being unhealthy for the person with the crush and their relationships even if they don't admit it.

Why is everyone getting so worked up about “work spouse” if it doesn’t have to do with marriage then? Half the posts here are saying that’s a threat to your commitment. I feel like you might as well be Mike Pence and never be alone in a room with a woman if you can’t handle yourself in these life situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, there is a difference between having a crush and seeking out that crush. I am a PP. I’m not saying to stop having a crush. You can’t control how you feel. But you can absolutely control your conscious behavior and conscious thoughts. Do not seek out this crush and do not daydream about your crush.

If you cannot control yourself and find yourself fixating please get help. Like therapy to work through what’s going on here. If you are fixating that will also be a tell that something would have eventually probs happened and not good.

nothing at all? If anyone has suggestions on how to do this i'm all ears. I've thought of this person at least once a day for several years. Distance doesn't seem to be cutting it and I really wish i could see them again. i keep my distance though the desire to see them is always there. the feelings are always there i just learn to live it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there is a difference between having a crush and seeking out that crush. I am a PP. I’m not saying to stop having a crush. You can’t control how you feel. But you can absolutely control your conscious behavior and conscious thoughts. Do not seek out this crush and do not daydream about your crush.

If you cannot control yourself and find yourself fixating please get help. Like therapy to work through what’s going on here. If you are fixating that will also be a tell that something would have eventually probs happened and not good.

nothing at all? If anyone has suggestions on how to do this i'm all ears. I've thought of this person at least once a day for several years. Distance doesn't seem to be cutting it and I really wish i could see them again. i keep my distance though the desire to see them is always there. the feelings are always there i just learn to live it.

It's time for therapy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there is a difference between having a crush and seeking out that crush. I am a PP. I’m not saying to stop having a crush. You can’t control how you feel. But you can absolutely control your conscious behavior and conscious thoughts. Do not seek out this crush and do not daydream about your crush.

If you cannot control yourself and find yourself fixating please get help. Like therapy to work through what’s going on here. If you are fixating that will also be a tell that something would have eventually probs happened and not good.

+1 at a certain point, especially in adult life a crush becomes inappropriate if not unhealthy.

There's a thing called limerance and it's not healthy and I think that's what some pps are experiencing.

Hmm… learn a new word every day.

Interesting that half the PPs are like, hey this is healthy and enjoy it. And half are like, it’s pathological and will ruin your life and marriage. There must be something very unresolved about the way we as a society deal with attraction if the response is split in such a polarized way. Maybe it would be healthier not to place such a huge emphasis on monogamy, and define everything around an ideal that excludes any other feelings towards others as threats.

My personal feeling is that a crush doesn’t necessarily have to be a reflection of where you are with your marriage. We have different intense (positive and negative) feelings for everyone in our lives, and then we have these templates that kind of channel and interpret them in a way that is deemed socially acceptable. Maybe the truth is we can have feelings like this outside of marriage and it just is what it is. If so I’d like to think it would be possible to accept and acknowledge it instead of repressing it.

Lots of word salad pp. A crush and monogamy have nothing to do with each other. But it's very interesting, and telling imo that you chose to bring that up.

You are also not reading carefully, most have said a crush is normal even healthy, but at a certain point a crush stops being a crush and crosses into the territory of being unhealthy for the person with the crush and their relationships even if they don't admit it.

Why is everyone getting so worked up about “work spouse” if it doesn’t have to do with marriage then? Half the posts here are saying that’s a threat to your commitment. I feel like you might as well be Mike Pence and never be alone in a room with a woman if you can’t handle yourself in these life situations.

You are also the work spouse pp. PP was right therapy is probably in order fo you. You don't have a crush you have an obsession and you are kidding yourself it's not a problem.

[Anonymous]

For me, actually hanging out and getting to know my crushes (in group situations) makes them fade...because if you keep a distance, you keep fantasizing that he's some perfect guy, but when you get to know them you realize that they're just as flawed as your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, actually hanging out and getting to know my crushes (in group situations) makes them fade...because if you keep a distance, you keep fantasizing that he's some perfect guy, but when you get to know them you realize that they're just as flawed as your spouse

This is all within the realm of normal. But I don't think pp actually wants to see the crush in a normal light.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there is a difference between having a crush and seeking out that crush. I am a PP. I’m not saying to stop having a crush. You can’t control how you feel. But you can absolutely control your conscious behavior and conscious thoughts. Do not seek out this crush and do not daydream about your crush.

If you cannot control yourself and find yourself fixating please get help. Like therapy to work through what’s going on here. If you are fixating that will also be a tell that something would have eventually probs happened and not good.

+1 at a certain point, especially in adult life a crush becomes inappropriate if not unhealthy.

There's a thing called limerance and it's not healthy and I think that's what some pps are experiencing.

Hmm… learn a new word every day.

Interesting that half the PPs are like, hey this is healthy and enjoy it. And half are like, it’s pathological and will ruin your life and marriage. There must be something very unresolved about the way we as a society deal with attraction if the response is split in such a polarized way. Maybe it would be healthier not to place such a huge emphasis on monogamy, and define everything around an ideal that excludes any other feelings towards others as threats.

My personal feeling is that a crush doesn’t necessarily have to be a reflection of where you are with your marriage. We have different intense (positive and negative) feelings for everyone in our lives, and then we have these templates that kind of channel and interpret them in a way that is deemed socially acceptable. Maybe the truth is we can have feelings like this outside of marriage and it just is what it is. If so I’d like to think it would be possible to accept and acknowledge it instead of repressing it.

Lots of word salad pp. A crush and monogamy have nothing to do with each other. But it's very interesting, and telling imo that you chose to bring that up.

You are also not reading carefully, most have said a crush is normal even healthy, but at a certain point a crush stops being a crush and crosses into the territory of being unhealthy for the person with the crush and their relationships even if they don't admit it.

Why is everyone getting so worked up about “work spouse” if it doesn’t have to do with marriage then? Half the posts here are saying that’s a threat to your commitment. I feel like you might as well be Mike Pence and never be alone in a room with a woman if you can’t handle yourself in these life situations.

You are also the work spouse pp. PP was right therapy is probably in order fo you. You don't have a crush you have an obsession and you are kidding yourself it's not a problem.

NP. who. disagrees.It sounds like limerence. If feelings are mutual, limerence has the potential to turn into real, normal love. Other times, limerence will eventually go away and chemicals in the brain will normalize. Alternatively, limerence can be transferred to a new person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, actually hanging out and getting to know my crushes (in group situations) makes them fade...because if you keep a distance, you keep fantasizing that he's some perfect guy, but when you get to know them you realize that they're just as flawed as your spouse

That's what I think, too, and it's worked well for me. I see the crushes as human and imperfect, and the feelings fade naturally. Bonus is that while it lasts, at least I get to spend time with them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there is a difference between having a crush and seeking out that crush. I am a PP. I’m not saying to stop having a crush. You can’t control how you feel. But you can absolutely control your conscious behavior and conscious thoughts. Do not seek out this crush and do not daydream about your crush.

If you cannot control yourself and find yourself fixating please get help. Like therapy to work through what’s going on here. If you are fixating that will also be a tell that something would have eventually probs happened and not good.

+1 at a certain point, especially in adult life a crush becomes inappropriate if not unhealthy.

There's a thing called limerance and it's not healthy and I think that's what some pps are experiencing.

Hmm… learn a new word every day.

Interesting that half the PPs are like, hey this is healthy and enjoy it. And half are like, it’s pathological and will ruin your life and marriage. There must be something very unresolved about the way we as a society deal with attraction if the response is split in such a polarized way. Maybe it would be healthier not to place such a huge emphasis on monogamy, and define everything around an ideal that excludes any other feelings towards others as threats.

My personal feeling is that a crush doesn’t necessarily have to be a reflection of where you are with your marriage. We have different intense (positive and negative) feelings for everyone in our lives, and then we have these templates that kind of channel and interpret them in a way that is deemed socially acceptable. Maybe the truth is we can have feelings like this outside of marriage and it just is what it is. If so I’d like to think it would be possible to accept and acknowledge it instead of repressing it.

Lots of word salad pp. A crush and monogamy have nothing to do with each other. But it's very interesting, and telling imo that you chose to bring that up.

You are also not reading carefully, most have said a crush is normal even healthy, but at a certain point a crush stops being a crush and crosses into the territory of being unhealthy for the person with the crush and their relationships even if they don't admit it.

Why is everyone getting so worked up about “work spouse” if it doesn’t have to do with marriage then? Half the posts here are saying that’s a threat to your commitment. I feel like you might as well be Mike Pence and never be alone in a room with a woman if you can’t handle yourself in these life situations.

You are also the work spouse pp. PP was right therapy is probably in order fo you. You don't have a crush you have an obsession and you are kidding yourself it's not a problem.

NP. who. disagrees.It sounds like limerence. If feelings are mutual, limerence has the potential to turn into real, normal love. Other times, limerence will eventually go away and chemicals in the brain will normalize. Alternatively, limerence can be transferred to a new person.

I'm not sure if it's mutual. Whatever it is it seems well beyond the bounds of a simple crush, and if I was married to someone who needed this I'd be very concerned.

[Anonymous]

Well jeez this thread has totally killed my crush. You guys are such Debbie Downers.

[Anonymous]

A lot of my crushes are celebrities / people I’ll never meet so that’s harmless. In fact, it helps fuel fantasy and that helps my marriage. I find one of my husband’s friends cute, and think it’s mutual, but it never goes past things like “oh, your new haircut is great” or something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there is a difference between having a crush and seeking out that crush. I am a PP. I’m not saying to stop having a crush. You can’t control how you feel. But you can absolutely control your conscious behavior and conscious thoughts. Do not seek out this crush and do not daydream about your crush.

If you cannot control yourself and find yourself fixating please get help. Like therapy to work through what’s going on here. If you are fixating that will also be a tell that something would have eventually probs happened and not good.

+1 at a certain point, especially in adult life a crush becomes inappropriate if not unhealthy.

There's a thing called limerance and it's not healthy and I think that's what some pps are experiencing.

Hmm… learn a new word every day.

Interesting that half the PPs are like, hey this is healthy and enjoy it. And half are like, it’s pathological and will ruin your life and marriage. There must be something very unresolved about the way we as a society deal with attraction if the response is split in such a polarized way. Maybe it would be healthier not to place such a huge emphasis on monogamy, and define everything around an ideal that excludes any other feelings towards others as threats.

My personal feeling is that a crush doesn’t necessarily have to be a reflection of where you are with your marriage. We have different intense (positive and negative) feelings for everyone in our lives, and then we have these templates that kind of channel and interpret them in a way that is deemed socially acceptable. Maybe the truth is we can have feelings like this outside of marriage and it just is what it is. If so I’d like to think it would be possible to accept and acknowledge it instead of repressing it.

Lots of word salad pp. A crush and monogamy have nothing to do with each other. But it's very interesting, and telling imo that you chose to bring that up.

You are also not reading carefully, most have said a crush is normal even healthy, but at a certain point a crush stops being a crush and crosses into the territory of being unhealthy for the person with the crush and their relationships even if they don't admit it.

Why is everyone getting so worked up about “work spouse” if it doesn’t have to do with marriage then? Half the posts here are saying that’s a threat to your commitment. I feel like you might as well be Mike Pence and never be alone in a room with a woman if you can’t handle yourself in these life situations.

I think that was a back and forth between a few posters, I for one didn’t even comment on the work spouse issue.

DH and I used to have a joke that one of his male coworkers (DH is straight) was his work spouse. I thought work spouse wasn’t about attraction, if was about working together all the time and maybe venting to each other about work. Right now DH has another coworker like that who is a woman, but we say she is her work mom because she is his superior and assigns a lot of work.