Harmless crush while married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been experiencing a crush and I can tell it’s mutual. I totally get butterflies, it’s an exciting feeling. Both married so just a crush and will fade.

How can you tell it’s going to fade? I’m going through the same thing and I’m like… giddy and tormented. Even though I know it’s impossible. I don’t want it to be.

Also I will say it’s my first time having feelings like this, and it was totally unexpected and out of context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been experiencing a crush and I can tell it’s mutual. I totally get butterflies, it’s an exciting feeling. Both married so just a crush and will fade.

How can you tell it’s going to fade? I’m going through the same thing and I’m like… giddy and tormented. Even though I know it’s impossible. I don’t want it to be.

I think that the very nature of a crush is that it fades unless something else happens to turn it into something more or to sustain it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your experiences? Is it possible to do this in a way that no one gets burned?

attractions happen, crushes happen and no need to feel guilty about it -- its very normal.
the ones I acknowledged, and then never fed (no contact aside from when we ran into each other), totally fine.

the one time I did feel compelled to keep seeing this person and we both went out of our way to hang out, the feelings kept growing and it's honestly awful. we have never talked about it directly and we no longer plant to see each other or contact each other but i literally think about him every day. have for years.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by “do it”?

My advice is avoid the person. If it is your doctor get a new doctor. If it’s a work colleague do not intentionally request to pair up with him/her. Stay at a different hotel. Basically do not intentionally interact with them. When needed be polite and concise.

You are messing with possible temptation. Might it be fine? Yes. But you also might not. IMO the risk is not worth it and I would refocus on marriage.

[Anonymous]

Oh my gosh I’ve had so many of these. Their shelf life is usually a few days to a week! NBD. Makes sex at home juicier

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by “do it”?

My advice is avoid the person. If it is your doctor get a new doctor. If it’s a work colleague do not intentionally request to pair up with him/her. Stay at a different hotel. Basically do not intentionally interact with them. When needed be polite and concise.

You are messing with possible temptation. Might it be fine? Yes. But you also might not. IMO the risk is not worth it and I would refocus on marriage.

Honestly. This. A crush like a normal one is no big deal. But OP is making it seem that it's gone beyond a crush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been experiencing a crush and I can tell it’s mutual. I totally get butterflies, it’s an exciting feeling. Both married so just a crush and will fade.

How can you tell it’s going to fade? I’m going through the same thing and I’m like… giddy and tormented. Even though I know it’s impossible. I don’t want it to be.

I think that the very nature of a crush is that it fades unless something else happens to turn it into something more or to sustain it.

This is going to sound bad but I don’t know if what I’m feeling is going to fade, even if nothing happens. I’m really picky about people and pretty much no one catches my attention, ever. So even if nothing ever happens I know that the impression this person has made on me is not going to change any time soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been experiencing a crush and I can tell it’s mutual. I totally get butterflies, it’s an exciting feeling. Both married so just a crush and will fade.

How can you tell it’s going to fade? I’m going through the same thing and I’m like… giddy and tormented. Even though I know it’s impossible. I don’t want it to be.

I think that the very nature of a crush is that it fades unless something else happens to turn it into something more or to sustain it.

This is going to sound bad but I don’t know if what I’m feeling is going to fade, even if nothing happens. I’m really picky about people and pretty much no one catches my attention, ever. So even if nothing ever happens I know that the impression this person has made on me is not going to change any time soon.

Yeah this is not a crush you have OP. It's not healthy. There's something else going on here that you need to deal with. Perhaps you need to figure out if you want to remain in your marriage if married. If you are single time to focus on dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been experiencing a crush and I can tell it’s mutual. I totally get butterflies, it’s an exciting feeling. Both married so just a crush and will fade.

How can you tell it’s going to fade? I’m going through the same thing and I’m like… giddy and tormented. Even though I know it’s impossible. I don’t want it to be.

I think that the very nature of a crush is that it fades unless something else happens to turn it into something more or to sustain it.

This is going to sound bad but I don’t know if what I’m feeling is going to fade, even if nothing happens. I’m really picky about people and pretty much no one catches my attention, ever. So even if nothing ever happens I know that the impression this person has made on me is not going to change any time soon.

i'm there, to -- nothing has happened but i have thought about this person every day for 3 years. married 12 years, and actually have a good marriage. ive just accepted that those thoughts will be there. whenever i see this person there are just insane lightning bolts. mutual for him.

[Anonymous]

Also, there is a difference between having a crush and seeking out that crush. I am a PP. I’m not saying to stop having a crush. You can’t control how you feel. But you can absolutely control your conscious behavior and conscious thoughts. Do not seek out this crush and do not daydream about your crush.

If you cannot control yourself and find yourself fixating please get help. Like therapy to work through what’s going on here. If you are fixating that will also be a tell that something would have eventually probs happened and not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, there is a difference between having a crush and seeking out that crush. I am a PP. I’m not saying to stop having a crush. You can’t control how you feel. But you can absolutely control your conscious behavior and conscious thoughts. Do not seek out this crush and do not daydream about your crush.

If you cannot control yourself and find yourself fixating please get help. Like therapy to work through what’s going on here. If you are fixating that will also be a tell that something would have eventually probs happened and not good.

+1 at a certain point, especially in adult life a crush becomes inappropriate if not unhealthy.

There's a thing called limerance and it's not healthy and I think that's what some pps are experiencing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Having a crush is not active, it's passive. You could have a crush and no one would ever know, not even the object of your crush. I think it happens to most people.

Flirting? That's different, and unless you're very sure that it won't get back to any co-workers, friends or spouse, it has the potential of turning people against you, sometimes permanently. There are few circumstances when you could flirt without anyone you know witnessing that, unless you're a traveling salesperson or similar.

Being just friends: that's a grey area. Lots of people have work wives or work husbands, ie, someone of the opposite sex at work with whom they get along well. You could have a crush on them too, but not flirt, just... spend time with them in a friendly way.

That part. Work spouses are for the immature and will likely bring more drama than needed.

Nonsense. People who can't handle their spouse having a non-sexual relationship with a member of the opposite sex are immature.

A friendship sure. A relationship or a work spouse np? If you want this kind of things marriage isn't for you.

Sounds like you have a very weak marriage if you think these harmless work relationships pose such a threat.

I'll echo pp and say the concept of a work spouse is immature, and go a step further and call it disrespectful. DH and I both have friends that are opposite sex at work and outside of work we'd never even playful refer to them as our spouses. And I question your need to refer to a friend as a spouse even playfully.

Eh. My wife and I are happy in our marriage and aren’t threatened by each other’s platonic, opposite -sex relationships. Because we are mature adults.

Your wife is cool with calling your female friends your spouse? Well isn't she super cool!

She is indeed super cool! And she is a mature, grown up adult, who trusts me and is not a jealous shrew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Having a crush is not active, it's passive. You could have a crush and no one would ever know, not even the object of your crush. I think it happens to most people.

Flirting? That's different, and unless you're very sure that it won't get back to any co-workers, friends or spouse, it has the potential of turning people against you, sometimes permanently. There are few circumstances when you could flirt without anyone you know witnessing that, unless you're a traveling salesperson or similar.

Being just friends: that's a grey area. Lots of people have work wives or work husbands, ie, someone of the opposite sex at work with whom they get along well. You could have a crush on them too, but not flirt, just... spend time with them in a friendly way.

That part. Work spouses are for the immature and will likely bring more drama than needed.

Nonsense. People who can't handle their spouse having a non-sexual relationship with a member of the opposite sex are immature.

A friendship sure. A relationship or a work spouse np? If you want this kind of things marriage isn't for you.

Sounds like you have a very weak marriage if you think these harmless work relationships pose such a threat.

I'll echo pp and say the concept of a work spouse is immature, and go a step further and call it disrespectful. DH and I both have friends that are opposite sex at work and outside of work we'd never even playful refer to them as our spouses. And I question your need to refer to a friend as a spouse even playfully.

Eh. My wife and I are happy in our marriage and aren’t threatened by each other’s platonic, opposite -sex relationships. Because we are mature adults.

Your wife is cool with calling your female friends your spouse? Well isn't she super cool!

She is indeed super cool! And she is a mature, grown up adult, who trusts me and is not a jealous shrew.

I have no doubt she's super cool, she just low self-esteem one day she'll wake up and realize the immature misogynist she is married to and she doesn't have to entertain his BS and move on to a real man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Having a crush is not active, it's passive. You could have a crush and no one would ever know, not even the object of your crush. I think it happens to most people.

Flirting? That's different, and unless you're very sure that it won't get back to any co-workers, friends or spouse, it has the potential of turning people against you, sometimes permanently. There are few circumstances when you could flirt without anyone you know witnessing that, unless you're a traveling salesperson or similar.

Being just friends: that's a grey area. Lots of people have work wives or work husbands, ie, someone of the opposite sex at work with whom they get along well. You could have a crush on them too, but not flirt, just... spend time with them in a friendly way.

That part. Work spouses are for the immature and will likely bring more drama than needed.

Nonsense. People who can't handle their spouse having a non-sexual relationship with a member of the opposite sex are immature.

A friendship sure. A relationship or a work spouse np? If you want this kind of things marriage isn't for you.

Sounds like you have a very weak marriage if you think these harmless work relationships pose such a threat.

I'll echo pp and say the concept of a work spouse is immature, and go a step further and call it disrespectful. DH and I both have friends that are opposite sex at work and outside of work we'd never even playful refer to them as our spouses. And I question your need to refer to a friend as a spouse even playfully.

Eh. My wife and I are happy in our marriage and aren’t threatened by each other’s platonic, opposite -sex relationships. Because we are mature adults.

Your wife is cool with calling your female friends your spouse? Well isn't she super cool!

She is indeed super cool! And she is a mature, grown up adult, who trusts me and is not a jealous shrew.

And don't tink I didn't notice you failed to answer my actual question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there is a difference between having a crush and seeking out that crush. I am a PP. I’m not saying to stop having a crush. You can’t control how you feel. But you can absolutely control your conscious behavior and conscious thoughts. Do not seek out this crush and do not daydream about your crush.

If you cannot control yourself and find yourself fixating please get help. Like therapy to work through what’s going on here. If you are fixating that will also be a tell that something would have eventually probs happened and not good.

+1 at a certain point, especially in adult life a crush becomes inappropriate if not unhealthy.

There's a thing called limerance and it's not healthy and I think that's what some pps are experiencing.

Limerance isn’t healthy or unhealthy, or just is. It’s not voluntary, and it’s not a big deal.

Don’t send the signal that if somebody experiences limerence they aren’t an emotionally mature adult.

But yes, when you get fixated on a crush, redirect your attention elsewhere.