DH is extremely low energy. Options?

[Anonymous]

Maybe adderall would put some pep in his step

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe adderall would put some pep in his step

Op here. I think it would help but I’m pretty sure it’s incompatible with blood pressure issues, isn’t it?

I also think he has low testosterone, but once again, no way to know without seeing a physician and doing blood work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think he is on drugs, and that's why he is avoiding doctor?

+1 this has all the hallmarks of a closeted addict

I think so too.

Op here. It’s definitely not that. We have been home together 24/7 during COVID. He has zero energy and doesn’t do anything except his part time job. He never leaves the house. Neither of us drinks any alcohol either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are done, OP, which is sounds about right after all this time. You don't have the energy to force him to go to the doctor so save that energy to contact a divorce lawyer. You will probably be able to have your custody time increased based on his medical/psychiatric needs. I think you know that there is only one option for you left.

+1 You could try legal separation first, to ease into it. but why on earth should you continue like this? It's misery and I agree with a PP it's a terrible example to set for the kids all the way around. With his energy issues, guarantee he won't be able to handle or want the kids 50% of the time anyway. 1-2 days per week of tv and fast food wouldn't be the end of the world.

I agree with this take. He may agree to take action if you do this. Or not. But your situation is untenable.

Op here. How would a legal separation work? We have a nice home that I know DH will never leave. So would I have to leave and get an apartment but keep paying the mortgage? We are already romantically separated but living under the same roof.

You cannot be legally separated without living apart. Sounds like you'd need to go straight to filing for divorce. A lawyer would help you formulate an agreement for joint assets. Normally it doesn't make sense to keep the house, and it is sold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think he is on drugs, and that's why he is avoiding doctor?

+1 this has all the hallmarks of a closeted addict

I think so too.

Op here. It’s definitely not that. We have been home together 24/7 during COVID. He has zero energy and doesn’t do anything except his part time job. He never leaves the house. Neither of us drinks any alcohol either.

How many hours a week does he work? Does he lack the energy to do more?

[Anonymous]

He might give you custody of the kids; it doesn’t sound like he has it in him to parent them and he’s passive and lacks momentum.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like a combination of natural set point/mental health issues/unaddressed trauma from his family/all compounded by lifestyle issues (that working out he used to do probably helped him a lot). That said, as you know, OP, you can't force him to get the help he needs. You aren't doing anyone any favors staying in this relationship. I would start making moves toward divorce because the way you are living isn't sustainable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think he is on drugs, and that's why he is avoiding doctor?

+1 this has all the hallmarks of a closeted addict

I think so too.

Op here. It’s definitely not that. We have been home together 24/7 during COVID. He has zero energy and doesn’t do anything except his part time job. He never leaves the house. Neither of us drinks any alcohol either.

How many hours a week does he work? Does he lack the energy to do more?

Op here. DH is truly a genius-he’s figured out how to work about 15 hours a week and makes $140k/year. But the thing is-historically he’s actually been more functional when he’s had more demanding jobs. He requires structure. He works from home full time now (pre-and post-pandemic), but he did better when he had to go to an office everyday. So while this seems like a unicorn dream job (it would be for me), I feel it actually fuels the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think he is on drugs, and that's why he is avoiding doctor?

+1 this has all the hallmarks of a closeted addict

I think so too.

Op here. It’s definitely not that. We have been home together 24/7 during COVID. He has zero energy and doesn’t do anything except his part time job. He never leaves the house. Neither of us drinks any alcohol either.

How many hours a week does he work? Does he lack the energy to do more?

Op here. DH is truly a genius-he’s figured out how to work about 15 hours a week and makes $140k/year. But the thing is-historically he’s actually been more functional when he’s had more demanding jobs. He requires structure. He works from home full time now (pre-and post-pandemic), but he did better when he had to go to an office everyday. So while this seems like a unicorn dream job (it would be for me), I feel it actually fuels the problem.

Ummm, what exactly does he do? It sounds a little illicit which could help the separation or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think he is on drugs, and that's why he is avoiding doctor?

+1 this has all the hallmarks of a closeted addict

I think so too.

Op here. It’s definitely not that. We have been home together 24/7 during COVID. He has zero energy and doesn’t do anything except his part time job. He never leaves the house. Neither of us drinks any alcohol either.

How many hours a week does he work? Does he lack the energy to do more?

Op here. DH is truly a genius-he’s figured out how to work about 15 hours a week and makes $140k/year. But the thing is-historically he’s actually been more functional when he’s had more demanding jobs. He requires structure. He works from home full time now (pre-and post-pandemic), but he did better when he had to go to an office everyday. So while this seems like a unicorn dream job (it would be for me), I feel it actually fuels the problem.

How much do you make? Sounds like you wouldn't have to pay him alimony, or not much at least. Can he afford the mortgage on his own if you move out with the kids? You'd have to be careful about that though--you'd need a legal separation agreement so that it doesn't affect any future custody rulings (ie you're not allowed to take his kids away without a formal agreement).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suppose he had his thyroid checked, iron levels and all the things that doctors check when the patient complains of lethargy? He must do a full medical workup, because if the cause is physical and untreated, that’s dangerous. Untreated hypothyroidism for example, leads to weight gain, fatigue, depression, lethargy, heart problems then organ failure and death.

I hear you about the separation conundrum. I have the same issue, with a spouse who has different problems but the end result is the same: I do not want to leave my kids with him half the time.

Op here. Nothing has been checked. He will not go to the doctor.

As you probably can tell, he really really needs to go to a doctor. I'm the same way as your dh and I was hypothyroid and have Hashimotos.
Can you literally make the appointment, drive him, and go in with him like he's a kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think he is on drugs, and that's why he is avoiding doctor?

+1 this has all the hallmarks of a closeted addict

I think so too.

Op here. It’s definitely not that. We have been home together 24/7 during COVID. He has zero energy and doesn’t do anything except his part time job. He never leaves the house. Neither of us drinks any alcohol either.

How many hours a week does he work? Does he lack the energy to do more?

Op here. DH is truly a genius-he’s figured out how to work about 15 hours a week and makes $140k/year. But the thing is-historically he’s actually been more functional when he’s had more demanding jobs. He requires structure. He works from home full time now (pre-and post-pandemic), but he did better when he had to go to an office everyday. So while this seems like a unicorn dream job (it would be for me), I feel it actually fuels the problem.

Ummm, what exactly does he do? It sounds a little illicit which could help the separation or divorce.

Op here. It’s not illicit. He works in something highly technical and in demand right now where there aren’t many people specialized in what he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think he is on drugs, and that's why he is avoiding doctor?

+1 this has all the hallmarks of a closeted addict

I think so too.

Op here. It’s definitely not that. We have been home together 24/7 during COVID. He has zero energy and doesn’t do anything except his part time job. He never leaves the house. Neither of us drinks any alcohol either.

How many hours a week does he work? Does he lack the energy to do more?

Op here. DH is truly a genius-he’s figured out how to work about 15 hours a week and makes $140k/year. But the thing is-historically he’s actually been more functional when he’s had more demanding jobs. He requires structure. He works from home full time now (pre-and post-pandemic), but he did better when he had to go to an office everyday. So while this seems like a unicorn dream job (it would be for me), I feel it actually fuels the problem.

How much do you make? Sounds like you wouldn't have to pay him alimony, or not much at least. Can he afford the mortgage on his own if you move out with the kids? You'd have to be careful about that though--you'd need a legal separation agreement so that it doesn't affect any future custody rulings (ie you're not allowed to take his kids away without a formal agreement).

Op here. I make 50% more than him. His income only hit this level in the last year. Neither of us can afford the house alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are done, OP, which is sounds about right after all this time. You don't have the energy to force him to go to the doctor so save that energy to contact a divorce lawyer. You will probably be able to have your custody time increased based on his medical/psychiatric needs. I think you know that there is only one option for you left.

+1 You could try legal separation first, to ease into it. but why on earth should you continue like this? It's misery and I agree with a PP it's a terrible example to set for the kids all the way around. With his energy issues, guarantee he won't be able to handle or want the kids 50% of the time anyway. 1-2 days per week of tv and fast food wouldn't be the end of the world.

I agree with this take. He may agree to take action if you do this. Or not. But your situation is untenable.

Op here. How would a legal separation work? We have a nice home that I know DH will never leave. So would I have to leave and get an apartment but keep paying the mortgage? We are already romantically separated but living under the same roof.

You cannot be legally separated without living apart. Sounds like you'd need to go straight to filing for divorce. A lawyer would help you formulate an agreement for joint assets. Normally it doesn't make sense to keep the house, and it is sold.

Definitely don't leave the home without consulting with a lawyer and having a plan in place!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think he is on drugs, and that's why he is avoiding doctor?

+1 this has all the hallmarks of a closeted addict

I think so too.

Op here. It’s definitely not that. We have been home together 24/7 during COVID. He has zero energy and doesn’t do anything except his part time job. He never leaves the house. Neither of us drinks any alcohol either.

How many hours a week does he work? Does he lack the energy to do more?

Op here. DH is truly a genius-he’s figured out how to work about 15 hours a week and makes $140k/year. But the thing is-historically he’s actually been more functional when he’s had more demanding jobs. He requires structure. He works from home full time now (pre-and post-pandemic), but he did better when he had to go to an office everyday. So while this seems like a unicorn dream job (it would be for me), I feel it actually fuels the problem.

How much do you make? Sounds like you wouldn't have to pay him alimony, or not much at least. Can he afford the mortgage on his own if you move out with the kids? You'd have to be careful about that though--you'd need a legal separation agreement so that it doesn't affect any future custody rulings (ie you're not allowed to take his kids away without a formal agreement).

Op here. I make 50% more than him. His income only hit this level in the last year. Neither of us can afford the house alone.

Since he's gainfully employed, you should not have to pay him anything. In fact, if you're the primary with the kids he'd have to kick in some there. Of course all joint assets would be split down the middle. Sounds like it would be well worth it!