DH is extremely low energy. Options?

[Anonymous]

DH has been on a steady decline ever since we got married, he does less and less and less. We have 2 young kids. His parenting consists only of putting them in front of the TV for hours. He will often forget to feed them meals if for some reason I’m not home at mealtime.

He holds down a part time job. We do not have sex. He has ED and several other health problems but won’t get them treated. We are in our 30s and only married for 7 years.

We spent 8 months in therapy and if anything I feel like it set us backwards.

The problem is, if I leave him he will get the kids half the time and they will live in filth and do nothing but watch tv and eat fast food.

Is there anything I can do to try and turn this around? If I actually did leave him, would it motivate him to change?

Things I’ve tried:

1. Counseling
2. Scheduling him doctor appointments, arranging childcare so he could go. He twice pretended to go to the doctor (even lied about the visit when he came home) but I later learned he no showed (when I went to ask the doc for bills for FSA reimbursement ).
3. Threatening to divorce him (to the point of showing him paperwork)
4. Completely backing off and living in the same house but operating independently of him (this is where we are now and how we spend most of our time).
5. Going on vacations without kids (no sex, we talked about things and he promised to get help and then never follows through).

Is there anything else to try? Clearly he’s depressed, but won’t consider even seeing a doctor via telehealth to address that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has been on a steady decline ever since we got married, he does less and less and less. We have 2 young kids. His parenting consists only of putting them in front of the TV for hours. He will often forget to feed them meals if for some reason I’m not home at mealtime.

He holds down a part time job. We do not have sex. He has ED and several other health problems but won’t get them treated. We are in our 30s and only married for 7 years.

We spent 8 months in therapy and if anything I feel like it set us backwards.

The problem is, if I leave him he will get the kids half the time and they will live in filth and do nothing but watch tv and eat fast food.

Is there anything I can do to try and turn this around? If I actually did leave him, would it motivate him to change?

Things I’ve tried:

1. Counseling
2. Scheduling him doctor appointments, arranging childcare so he could go. He twice pretended to go to the doctor (even lied about the visit when he came home) but I later learned he no showed (when I went to ask the doc for bills for FSA reimbursement ).
3. Threatening to divorce him (to the point of showing him paperwork)
4. Completely backing off and living in the same house but operating independently of him (this is where we are now and how we spend most of our time).
5. Going on vacations without kids (no sex, we talked about things and he promised to get help and then never follows through).

Is there anything else to try? Clearly he’s depressed, but won’t consider even seeing a doctor via telehealth to address that.

He sounds depressed. Can you go with him to the doctor’s so you make sure he really goes and share your concerns?

[Anonymous]

Op here. I’ll see if I can get him to agree to me joining him at the doc. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

What was he like when you married him? Wondering about his “baseline”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was he like when you married him? Wondering about his “baseline”.

Op here. His baseline is probably below average, but nothing like this. When we were dating, he worked a full time job and commuted 45 minutes each way, and worked out on a daily basis. So I didn’t see any red flags at that time. But he was definitely very very chill and liked doing nothing and could sleep for 12-14 hours at a time which I found kind of odd. He also had no friends. But I just figured he was a shy, introverted nerd, which he is and I can roll with all that, but it’s the self neglect and checking out from parenting that’s become worse over time and he refuses to address it (even though he acknowledges it).

[Anonymous]

you can divorce him and hope he doesn't take the initiative to fight for equal parenting time, or to actually pick the kids up. You can just offer "oh, if it's easier for you I can keep them this weekend because Larlo has karate and Larla has tennis and they each have a birthday party."

It's a risky strategy for the kids but may be worth it to you.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he needs more sleep. How much is he getting these days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he needs more sleep. How much is he getting these days?

Op here. He’s always been able to sleep easily. He sleeps 11-7 or 8 on weekdays (and a nap every afternoon). On weekends I don’t know when he goes to bed (probably 1 or 2) and sleeps until noon. Sometimes he also takes a nap on weekends from 4/5 until 6/7.

[Anonymous]

I suppose he had his thyroid checked, iron levels and all the things that doctors check when the patient complains of lethargy? He must do a full medical workup, because if the cause is physical and untreated, that’s dangerous. Untreated hypothyroidism for example, leads to weight gain, fatigue, depression, lethargy, heart problems then organ failure and death.

I hear you about the separation conundrum. I have the same issue, with a spouse who has different problems but the end result is the same: I do not want to leave my kids with him half the time.

[Anonymous]

Does he have family that cares? Can you get his parents involved? Siblings? Have them help you and stage an intervention. He probably needs to see a psychiatrist and get on some meds first then work on getting back into a normal schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suppose he had his thyroid checked, iron levels and all the things that doctors check when the patient complains of lethargy? He must do a full medical workup, because if the cause is physical and untreated, that’s dangerous. Untreated hypothyroidism for example, leads to weight gain, fatigue, depression, lethargy, heart problems then organ failure and death.

I hear you about the separation conundrum. I have the same issue, with a spouse who has different problems but the end result is the same: I do not want to leave my kids with him half the time.

Op here. Nothing has been checked. He will not go to the doctor.

[Anonymous]

You may want to also see an attorney and see what setting the groundwork for full physical custody looks like -- if he can't turn himself around, start gathering the evidence that he can't handle the kids on his own.

[Anonymous]

He sounds severely depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have family that cares? Can you get his parents involved? Siblings? Have them help you and stage an intervention. He probably needs to see a psychiatrist and get on some meds first then work on getting back into a normal schedule.

Op here. He does not. I have only met his mother once. She is an addict. His father lives very far away and we’ve only seen him twice. They are not functional people and have a lot of problems of their own. We only hear from them when they contact us to ask for money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suppose he had his thyroid checked, iron levels and all the things that doctors check when the patient complains of lethargy? He must do a full medical workup, because if the cause is physical and untreated, that’s dangerous. Untreated hypothyroidism for example, leads to weight gain, fatigue, depression, lethargy, heart problems then organ failure and death.

I hear you about the separation conundrum. I have the same issue, with a spouse who has different problems but the end result is the same: I do not want to leave my kids with him half the time.

Op here. Nothing has been checked. He will not go to the doctor.

He MUST go! Stage an intervention or something, hold his hand, bribe him, get his father/brother/boss, whoever to cajole him…

This is incredibly serious. My best friend became hypothyroid and was so depressed she couldn’t make the decision to seek medical care. Her husband had to make the appointment, drive her there, sit with her in the office… she was like a little child for awhile until meds kicked in.