DH is extremely low energy. Options?

[Anonymous]

See if you can get him to listen to some audiobooks on depression and habits. If he won’t, put them on when he’s around to listen to yourself and maybe he’ll listen some or you’ll get ideas for how to help. Some to consider-

Upward Spiral- using neuroscience to reverse the course of depression
Feeling good- the new mood therapy
Atomic Habits
Tiny Habits

I’m sorry OP, this is a very difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have family that cares? Can you get his parents involved? Siblings? Have them help you and stage an intervention. He probably needs to see a psychiatrist and get on some meds first then work on getting back into a normal schedule.

Op here. He does not. I have only met his mother once. She is an addict. His father lives very far away and we’ve only seen him twice. They are not functional people and have a lot of problems of their own. We only hear from them when they contact us to ask for money.

Ok, so there is a history of mental illness in his family. I would make an appointment with a psychiatrist, and take him there to be evaluated. Get a plan and then work on it. Also go to primary care doctor to get a work up but this sounds like depression and he needs treatment from mental health professionals. If he will not go, find an attorney and build a case against his parenting skills and then divorce him. This is not sustainable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suppose he had his thyroid checked, iron levels and all the things that doctors check when the patient complains of lethargy? He must do a full medical workup, because if the cause is physical and untreated, that’s dangerous. Untreated hypothyroidism for example, leads to weight gain, fatigue, depression, lethargy, heart problems then organ failure and death.

I hear you about the separation conundrum. I have the same issue, with a spouse who has different problems but the end result is the same: I do not want to leave my kids with him half the time.

Op here. Nothing has been checked. He will not go to the doctor.

He MUST go! Stage an intervention or something, hold his hand, bribe him, get his father/brother/boss, whoever to cajole him…

This is incredibly serious. My best friend became hypothyroid and was so depressed she couldn’t make the decision to seek medical care. Her husband had to make the appointment, drive her there, sit with her in the office… she was like a little child for awhile until meds kicked in.

Op here. I know he needs to see a doctor. I’ve done all you describe short of driving him there because he insisted he did not want me to. I’ll try driving him but at a certain point it’s simply not feasible for me to be his full time caretaker. One doctors visit isn’t going to fix this. He will have to do blood work, follow up, etc.

My plate is already very full parenting our children and providing for our family. Also, DH lies. For months I believed he had been to see a doctor because I made him an appointment and he pretended to go and even gave me a fake “report” afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suppose he had his thyroid checked, iron levels and all the things that doctors check when the patient complains of lethargy? He must do a full medical workup, because if the cause is physical and untreated, that’s dangerous. Untreated hypothyroidism for example, leads to weight gain, fatigue, depression, lethargy, heart problems then organ failure and death.

I hear you about the separation conundrum. I have the same issue, with a spouse who has different problems but the end result is the same: I do not want to leave my kids with him half the time.

Op here. Nothing has been checked. He will not go to the doctor.

He MUST go! Stage an intervention or something, hold his hand, bribe him, get his father/brother/boss, whoever to cajole him…

This is incredibly serious. My best friend became hypothyroid and was so depressed she couldn’t make the decision to seek medical care. Her husband had to make the appointment, drive her there, sit with her in the office… she was like a little child for awhile until meds kicked in.

Op here. I know he needs to see a doctor. I’ve done all you describe short of driving him there because he insisted he did not want me to. I’ll try driving him but at a certain point it’s simply not feasible for me to be his full time caretaker. One doctors visit isn’t going to fix this. He will have to do blood work, follow up, etc.

My plate is already very full parenting our children and providing for our family. Also, DH lies. For months I believed he had been to see a doctor because I made him an appointment and he pretended to go and even gave me a fake “report” afterwards.

Here's the thing. If you don't go further, then this will never resolve. If this were me, I would insist that my husband go to the psychiatrist immediately. I would yell and get angry and make a huge fuss and make it so he couldn't say no, but that's because I am willing to fight for it. You may be in a place where you don't want to fight for it (which is ok), and if that is the case, you should divorce. He is setting a horrible example for the kids, as are you, by maintaining the status quo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have family that cares? Can you get his parents involved? Siblings? Have them help you and stage an intervention. He probably needs to see a psychiatrist and get on some meds first then work on getting back into a normal schedule.

Op here. He does not. I have only met his mother once. She is an addict. His father lives very far away and we’ve only seen him twice. They are not functional people and have a lot of problems of their own. We only hear from them when they contact us to ask for money.

Ok, so there is a history of mental illness in his family. I would make an appointment with a psychiatrist, and take him there to be evaluated. Get a plan and then work on it. Also go to primary care doctor to get a work up but this sounds like depression and he needs treatment from mental health professionals. If he will not go, find an attorney and build a case against his parenting skills and then divorce him. This is not sustainable.

Op here. I can’t force him and he won’t go. How do I make him go to an appointment if he refuses? This has happened in the past.

He didn’t just suddenly become this way. It’s been like this since shortly after we got married years ago.

[Anonymous]

Op here. If a person refuses to see a doctor, and continuously lies, I don’t see how I’m supposed to “force” him. How? I’ve cried, begged, tantrums, threatened divorce. It goes nowhere. He pretends to agree to do the thing at the time, then doesn’t (or puts on a charade of pretending to go to the doctor). Or he tells me I’m crazy and dramatizing the situation and that I need to see a doctor.

Even if I get him to the doc, he’s not going to follow through on the recommendations. How do I force him to take medicine? Go to the lab for bloodwork? Go to his follow up appointments? Exercise? Stop eating garbage food?

You can’t “make” anyone do anything they are unwilling to do.

[Anonymous]

So sorry you are in this situation OP.
Like the old saying goes…..”You can lead a horse to water….,”

Well you know the rest. 💔
You have done all you can do at this point.

It sounds like your husband doesn’t even have the strength in him nor the motivation to fight for your marriage.
If one side does nothing - then the union will ultimately fall apart.

He may be depressed, yes.
But whatever his issue is, it isn’t fair for you to have to live a certain way just because he refuses to get help.
If he prefers to not seek any help for himself then you must divorce him in order for you to lead the life that you deserve.

Sad but true.

I wish you only the best for the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. If a person refuses to see a doctor, and continuously lies, I don’t see how I’m supposed to “force” him. How? I’ve cried, begged, tantrums, threatened divorce. It goes nowhere. He pretends to agree to do the thing at the time, then doesn’t (or puts on a charade of pretending to go to the doctor). Or he tells me I’m crazy and dramatizing the situation and that I need to see a doctor.

Even if I get him to the doc, he’s not going to follow through on the recommendations. How do I force him to take medicine? Go to the lab for bloodwork? Go to his follow up appointments? Exercise? Stop eating garbage food?

You can’t “make” anyone do anything they are unwilling to do.

That's all true, and I feel for you. At the same time, you're engaged in catastrophizing here -- that there is no point in pursuing any medical care, because he'll never comply with it. I think it's worth at least one time when you go with him to the appointment, describe the situation to the doctor (I think you should start with primary care, although a psychiatrist is ultimately going to be necessary), and sit with him to make sure he's seen and evaluated. Will that change things? I don't know, but worth a try. You are likely going to divorce anyway, so trying to get him into treatment can only help. It might help the marriage, or it might help him be a more competent co-parent down the road. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. If a person refuses to see a doctor, and continuously lies, I don’t see how I’m supposed to “force” him. How? I’ve cried, begged, tantrums, threatened divorce. It goes nowhere. He pretends to agree to do the thing at the time, then doesn’t (or puts on a charade of pretending to go to the doctor). Or he tells me I’m crazy and dramatizing the situation and that I need to see a doctor.

Even if I get him to the doc, he’s not going to follow through on the recommendations. How do I force him to take medicine? Go to the lab for bloodwork? Go to his follow up appointments? Exercise? Stop eating garbage food?

You can’t “make” anyone do anything they are unwilling to do.

That's all true, and I feel for you. At the same time, you're engaged in catastrophizing here -- that there is no point in pursuing any medical care, because he'll never comply with it. I think it's worth at least one time when you go with him to the appointment, describe the situation to the doctor (I think you should start with primary care, although a psychiatrist is ultimately going to be necessary), and sit with him to make sure he's seen and evaluated. Will that change things? I don't know, but worth a try. You are likely going to divorce anyway, so trying to get him into treatment can only help. It might help the marriage, or it might help him be a more competent co-parent down the road. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Op here. So what do I do when he refuses to get in the car and drive with me to the appointment?

[Anonymous]

Then get yourself to a therapist and find a divorce attorney and start the proceedings.

[Anonymous]

I think you are done, OP, which is sounds about right after all this time. You don't have the energy to force him to go to the doctor so save that energy to contact a divorce lawyer. You will probably be able to have your custody time increased based on his medical/psychiatric needs. I think you know that there is only one option for you left.

[Anonymous]

Get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suppose he had his thyroid checked, iron levels and all the things that doctors check when the patient complains of lethargy? He must do a full medical workup, because if the cause is physical and untreated, that’s dangerous. Untreated hypothyroidism for example, leads to weight gain, fatigue, depression, lethargy, heart problems then organ failure and death.

I hear you about the separation conundrum. I have the same issue, with a spouse who has different problems but the end result is the same: I do not want to leave my kids with him half the time.

Op here. Nothing has been checked. He will not go to the doctor.

He needs to get a physical. Can you book appointment and whole family go with him for support?

[Anonymous]

Can you rally his parents behind you?

[Anonymous]

Do you think he is on drugs, and that's why he is avoiding doctor?