Friend issue: how to deal with a copycat friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she do this with other people? That’s super weird. I like the thrift store idea. I agree you need to limit interaction as you can.

I do think she does it to other people. Recently I was out with another friend and mentioned an activity the copycat had suggested we all sign up for, and my friend said something like “Actually I suggested that because [her old roommate] works there, but whatever.” I think she has a tendency to pick up other people’s ideas but pass them off as her own. With social stuff this doesn’t really matter (if it’s fun who cares who came up with it) but I do think it’s annoying and feels not friendly.

If she copies other people besides you, she is not a copycat. She is just finding things she likes among her friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she do this with other people? That’s super weird. I like the thrift store idea. I agree you need to limit interaction as you can.

I do think she does it to other people. Recently I was out with another friend and mentioned an activity the copycat had suggested we all sign up for, and my friend said something like “Actually I suggested that because [her old roommate] works there, but whatever.” I think she has a tendency to pick up other people’s ideas but pass them off as her own. With social stuff this doesn’t really matter (if it’s fun who cares who came up with it) but I do think it’s annoying and feels not friendly.

If she copies other people besides you, she is not a copycat. She is just finding things she likes among her friends.

While I think sometimes that’s true (trends tend to run through friend groups), this sounds like something else. It’s normal to borrow ideas from friends. It’s not normal to act like they were your ideas. I had a friend like this once. It’s not that she copied, it’s that she would copy and then make a big show of her “coming up” with something or originating and idea. Like I have a sports team I follow avidly and I like sharing that interest with friends. I invited her to a couple games, something I do with lots of friends. But then she got really into the team and started saying I wasn’t a “real” fan for random reasons and it was SO obnoxious. I didn’t mind that she started following the team (I’d encouraged it!), but when she started acting like it was her thing and not mine, it bothered me.

Some people are just possessive and insecure.

[Anonymous]

You really dislike her so just stop being friends with her. Problem solved. I agree you sound young 20’s.

[Anonymous]

OP you are overreacting. If you don't like the behavior or this person just stop being friends with her. Then you can find someone else to complain about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would bug me. It’s like she’s eroding the uniqueness of your life by copying it. And she’s freeloading on your ideas. Don’t tell her where you bought stuff. How many times has she copied your vacation ideas?

Yes, that’s definitely possible. I feel like any time I go anywhere, she will go there within a year. Sometimes they are kind of trendy trips, like going to Iceland, and I feel like it’s not just about me. But like I’ve been doing an annual trip to the same not trendy place for years (since before I met her) and a few years ago she started doing it too. It was really weird because it’s a place I go because it’s near where I grew up. And now it’s like a thing I share with her (even though we don’t go together) but it I don’t feel like there’s any joy in sharing it. It feels like she is competitive about it, like when it comes up she’ll ask me stuff like “oh I discovered [x restaurant] there, you should try it” and I’m like “yes, I have been going to that restaurant for actual decades.” It feels very invasive even though I try to tell myself that it’s not like I own a vacation destination! But it was kind of my thing and now it’s less unique to me, and that does bother me, I have to admit.

Ohhhhh. I get you now OP.

You sound like a know it all narcissist. Nobody can tell you they like anything if you already had it before, and you have to be snarky about it. Really, chances are nobody can share any likes/dislikes with you, because you see everything as a power struggle, win/lose rather than a basic, low key convo.

Friend: You should try Le Pew Restaurant - we loved it

You: I already know that restaurant, been going for decades.

[Your thought = she can't tell ME anything, I know everything, I win this competition in my head that doesn't actually exist. . .]

Normal Person Alternative: Oh I LOVE that restaurant too, especially the pate.

[Anonymous]

But she is the perfect narcissistic supply, isn't she? Adoring things you like and do. Allegedly. You love to hate it, hate to love it. Oh the dichotomy

[Anonymous]

OP, she lacks boundaries. I think it's hard for people to understand how uncomfortable this is unless you've met someone like this. You need to distance yourself from her, even if it means you miss out on some events. Change your FB settings so she can't see your posts. If you happen to run into her and she asks about your dress or where you went on vacation, just laugh and say "No, I'm not telling you! You'll copy me!" She'll eventually find someone else to stalk. You just need to get out of her orbit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would bug me. It’s like she’s eroding the uniqueness of your life by copying it. And she’s freeloading on your ideas. Don’t tell her where you bought stuff. How many times has she copied your vacation ideas?

Yes, that’s definitely possible. I feel like any time I go anywhere, she will go there within a year. Sometimes they are kind of trendy trips, like going to Iceland, and I feel like it’s not just about me. But like I’ve been doing an annual trip to the same not trendy place for years (since before I met her) and a few years ago she started doing it too. It was really weird because it’s a place I go because it’s near where I grew up. And now it’s like a thing I share with her (even though we don’t go together) but it I don’t feel like there’s any joy in sharing it. It feels like she is competitive about it, like when it comes up she’ll ask me stuff like “oh I discovered [x restaurant] there, you should try it” and I’m like “yes, I have been going to that restaurant for actual decades.” It feels very invasive even though I try to tell myself that it’s not like I own a vacation destination! But it was kind of my thing and now it’s less unique to me, and that does bother me, I have to admit.

Ohhhhh. I get you now OP.

You sound like a know it all narcissist. Nobody can tell you they like anything if you already had it before, and you have to be snarky about it. Really, chances are nobody can share any likes/dislikes with you, because you see everything as a power struggle, win/lose rather than a basic, low key convo.

Friend: You should try Le Pew Restaurant - we loved it

You: I already know that restaurant, been going for decades.

[Your thought = she can't tell ME anything, I know everything, I win this competition in my head that doesn't actually exist. . .]

Normal Person Alternative: Oh I LOVE that restaurant too, especially the pate.

Narcissist is accurate. The only person I know who has the same attitude as Op is a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a teenager, right OP? I can't imagine a grown adult being this self-obsessed.

Oh, there are many people like OP out there!

Yes the many people are teenagers.

[Anonymous]

She can only know the stuff you tell her. Stop telling her.

“Where did you get that shirt?”
“Hmm, I think this was from the outlets, I just don’t remember which one.”

“What are your plans for the summer?”
“Oh, here and there. We don’t have anything really booked other than to see family.”

(Oh what’s that? She’s seeing where you vacation on social? Why…are you posting about your vacation on social?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who seems to copy me a lot. If I buy a new pair of shoes or piece of clothing, she will ask me where I got them and then go buy them too. If I take up a new hobby, she will take it up too. If I go on vacation somewhere, she will soon go on vacation to the same place.

We are not close -- we're former colleagues and part of the same friend group. I always get along with her in person and she is a nice person. But the copying is starting to bug me. My BF says I should just take it as flattery, which I get, but it's started to make me feel self conscious and reluctant to share things because I feel like she's just looking for ideas. I'm also getting tired of always hearing "Oh yeah, Larla did/does that too!" or "Larla has that exact sweater!" when I'm talking to other people.

How do I deal with this? I have already really reduced my social media posting because I think she used to stalk it. But I still feel like she is kind of mimicking me all the time. I feel like the only thing I can do is just accept it, but in that case, how do I get it not to annoy me? I seem to be getting more annoyed with time, not less.

“Copying you” seems like a very juvenile way to phrase and interpret this. Most likely she’s just using you as a screener for things she would herself enjoy, an endorsement that cuts down her research work not bc she’s envious / wants to imitate or be you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who seems to copy me a lot. If I buy a new pair of shoes or piece of clothing, she will ask me where I got them and then go buy them too. If I take up a new hobby, she will take it up too. If I go on vacation somewhere, she will soon go on vacation to the same place.

We are not close -- we're former colleagues and part of the same friend group. I always get along with her in person and she is a nice person. But the copying is starting to bug me. My BF says I should just take it as flattery, which I get, but it's started to make me feel self conscious and reluctant to share things because I feel like she's just looking for ideas. I'm also getting tired of always hearing "Oh yeah, Larla did/does that too!" or "Larla has that exact sweater!" when I'm talking to other people.

How do I deal with this? I have already really reduced my social media posting because I think she used to stalk it. But I still feel like she is kind of mimicking me all the time. I feel like the only thing I can do is just accept it, but in that case, how do I get it not to annoy me? I seem to be getting more annoyed with time, not less.

“Copying you” seems like a very juvenile way to phrase and interpret this. Most likely she’s just using you as a screener for things she would herself enjoy, an endorsement that cuts down her research work not bc she’s envious / wants to imitate or be you.

Not OP, but I've seen this and it has a different flavor from someone just getting tips. It's not the same as a friend who hears about a great dinner you had and wants to try that restaurant, then you have a normal follow up conversation to talk about it. It's more like a competitive if you have it then I want it too vibe that stems from envy and insecurity. It's hard to explain, but it's aggressive and hostile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t talk about or wear anything that you care about around her.

+1

It sounds like she looks up to you, OP. Maybe she is immature. If you don't like her, stop hanging around her. Done and done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:but it feels stalkery.

Stop making up words. You sound like a 12 year old.

“Stalkery” is a word, it’s an adjective.

I bet you feel dumb, don’t you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:but it feels stalkery.

Stop making up words. You sound like a 12 year old.

“Stalkery” is a word, it’s an adjective.

I bet you feel dumb, don’t you?

Can people stop going around with all their word rules?

It's

SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
IMMATURE
STALKERY!

SUPER