Friend issue: how to deal with a copycat friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would bug me. It’s like she’s eroding the uniqueness of your life by copying it. And she’s freeloading on your ideas. Don’t tell her where you bought stuff. How many times has she copied your vacation ideas?

Yes, that’s definitely possible. I feel like any time I go anywhere, she will go there within a year. Sometimes they are kind of trendy trips, like going to Iceland, and I feel like it’s not just about me. But like I’ve been doing an annual trip to the same not trendy place for years (since before I met her) and a few years ago she started doing it too. It was really weird because it’s a place I go because it’s near where I grew up. And now it’s like a thing I share with her (even though we don’t go together) but it I don’t feel like there’s any joy in sharing it. It feels like she is competitive about it, like when it comes up she’ll ask me stuff like “oh I discovered [x restaurant] there, you should try it” and I’m like “yes, I have been going to that restaurant for actual decades.” It feels very invasive even though I try to tell myself that it’s not like I own a vacation destination! But it was kind of my thing and now it’s less unique to me, and that does bother me, I have to admit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she do this with other people? That’s super weird. I like the thrift store idea. I agree you need to limit interaction as you can.

I do think she does it to other people. Recently I was out with another friend and mentioned an activity the copycat had suggested we all sign up for, and my friend said something like “Actually I suggested that because [her old roommate] works there, but whatever.” I think she has a tendency to pick up other people’s ideas but pass them off as her own. With social stuff this doesn’t really matter (if it’s fun who cares who came up with it) but I do think it’s annoying and feels not friendly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think your feelings are totally valid. I’ve heard of this behavior before, in fact I believe someone else here has posted about this before. It’s super creepy IMO.

'Yes OP should filr a police report and get a restraining order.

[Anonymous]

Accept that you are a trend setter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who seems to copy me a lot. If I buy a new pair of shoes or piece of clothing, she will ask me where I got them and then go buy them too. If I take up a new hobby, she will take it up too. If I go on vacation somewhere, she will soon go on vacation to the same place.

We are not close -- we're former colleagues and part of the same friend group. I always get along with her in person and she is a nice person. But the copying is starting to bug me. My BF says I should just take it as flattery, which I get, but it's started to make me feel self conscious and reluctant to share things because I feel like she's just looking for ideas. I'm also getting tired of always hearing "Oh yeah, Larla did/does that too!" or "Larla has that exact sweater!" when I'm talking to other people.

How do I deal with this? I have already really reduced my social media posting because I think she used to stalk it. But I still feel like she is kind of mimicking me all the time. I feel like the only thing I can do is just accept it, but in that case, how do I get it not to annoy me? I seem to be getting more annoyed with time, not less.

You don't do anything because you can't do anything! It isn't like what you wear is so unique. Aren't there millions of other people wearing the same things you wear? or vacation where you vacation? Take it as a compliment! Your friend admires your taste. Why is that a bad thing?

[Anonymous]

You're a teenager, right OP? I can't imagine a grown adult being this self-obsessed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who seems to copy me a lot. If I buy a new pair of shoes or piece of clothing, she will ask me where I got them and then go buy them too. If I take up a new hobby, she will take it up too. If I go on vacation somewhere, she will soon go on vacation to the same place.

We are not close -- we're former colleagues and part of the same friend group. I always get along with her in person and she is a nice person. But the copying is starting to bug me. My BF says I should just take it as flattery, which I get, but it's started to make me feel self conscious and reluctant to share things because I feel like she's just looking for ideas. I'm also getting tired of always hearing "Oh yeah, Larla did/does that too!" or "Larla has that exact sweater!" when I'm talking to other people.

How do I deal with this? I have already really reduced my social media posting because I think she used to stalk it. But I still feel like she is kind of mimicking me all the time. I feel like the only thing I can do is just accept it, but in that case, how do I get it not to annoy me? I seem to be getting more annoyed with time, not less.

You don't do anything because you can't do anything! It isn't like what you wear is so unique. Aren't there millions of other people wearing the same things you wear? or vacation where you vacation? Take it as a compliment! Your friend admires your taste. Why is that a bad thing?

This. If I vacation to Hawaii and you’ve already been, that doesn’t mean I’m copying you. If you aren’t friends, how does she even know what you are doing, or you her? Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Don’t talk about or wear anything that you care about around her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. A few answers to questions:

- It’s been going on for years, so I don’t know that she is going to stop. It started when we worked together though it felt more normal then (trends tend to happen in shared workplaces). But it’s gone on for three years since then and seems to have gotten worse in the last year.

- I’m honestly not sure why it annoys me. It didn’t used to, but I don’t know if it’s just how long it’s gone on or what, but it bothers me now.

- I don’t share things about myself with her unless she asks directly. I actually started asking her a lot more questions about herself and trying to ficus conversation on her recently, specifically to get the focus off me. But she turns it around on me. I think she also kind of collects info on me from others. Fir instance, I had my bday dinner at a specific restaurant earlier in the spring and did not tell her about it or post about it on social. But then she just posted photos from her dinner at the same place. If it weren’t for the other stuff I’d assume coincidence, but it feels stalkery.

Are you stalking her? Sounds like you are following her and obsessed with her?

No. We follow each other on social media and see each other once or twice a week with other friends. I don’t seek her out.

You see her once or twice a week? That seems like a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're a teenager, right OP? I can't imagine a grown adult being this self-obsessed.

Oh, there are many people like OP out there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. A few answers to questions:

- It’s been going on for years, so I don’t know that she is going to stop. It started when we worked together though it felt more normal then (trends tend to happen in shared workplaces). But it’s gone on for three years since then and seems to have gotten worse in the last year.

- I’m honestly not sure why it annoys me. It didn’t used to, but I don’t know if it’s just how long it’s gone on or what, but it bothers me now.

- I don’t share things about myself with her unless she asks directly. I actually started asking her a lot more questions about herself and trying to ficus conversation on her recently, specifically to get the focus off me. But she turns it around on me. I think she also kind of collects info on me from others. Fir instance, I had my bday dinner at a specific restaurant earlier in the spring and did not tell her about it or post about it on social. But then she just posted photos from her dinner at the same place. If it weren’t for the other stuff I’d assume coincidence, but it feels stalkery.

Are you stalking her? Sounds like you are following her and obsessed with her?

No. We follow each other on social media and see each other once or twice a week with other friends. I don’t seek her out.

You see her once or twice a week? That seems like a lot.

This is what I thought too. My guess is OP is about 21. Who else has time to care that someone went to the same restaurant where you had your big “b-day” dinner? The horror!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she do this with other people? That’s super weird. I like the thrift store idea. I agree you need to limit interaction as you can.

I do think she does it to other people. Recently I was out with another friend and mentioned an activity the copycat had suggested we all sign up for, and my friend said something like “Actually I suggested that because [her old roommate] works there, but whatever.” I think she has a tendency to pick up other people’s ideas but pass them off as her own. With social stuff this doesn’t really matter (if it’s fun who cares who came up with it) but I do think it’s annoying and feels not friendly.

The is the most annoyingly obvious part, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend who did this. She appropriated events from my life and passed them off as her own. I could not even reclaim my own history without looking like I was lying and trying to copy her. I have a bizarre allergy and she even claimed it too! I recognized later that her behavior came from her own insecurity, but it still felt intrusive and wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like it's making your uncomfortable, OP. I get it. I would probably feel the same way, especially given the length of time it has been going on.

Can you distance yourself from her for a bit to see if it gets better? Limit or stop social media posts, make a point to hang out only with other friends. If you find yourself in a group with her, try to avoid talking to her and keep your distance. That's the only feasible way to deal with this, IMO. If you aren't as available, maybe she'll latch onto someone else.

I think this is the only answer- limit your interactions with her and start to fade the friendship.

OP here. Thanks, I think you are both right. I’ve already pretty much stopped posting to social media, but I think you are right that I just need more distance from her. I think what I’ve realized since posting this thread is that the reason this bothers me is that it doesn’t feel like friendship to me. It feels like she’s just using me for ideas. I never even get the sense that she likes me, more like I’m a resource for her. It probably is time to just fade out.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend who did this. She appropriated events from my life and passed them off as her own. I could not even reclaim my own history without looking like I was lying and trying to copy her. I have a bizarre allergy and she even claimed it too! I recognized later that her behavior came from her own insecurity, but it still felt intrusive and wrong.

Insecurity. 100%. I work with someone who does this and he is deeply insecure.