Spend Mothers' Day Not Mothering?

[Anonymous]

As others have said, I can't imagine NOT spending a chunk of Mother's Day with my kids. In fact, usually I spend ALL of that day with my kids, like every Sunday But if I had another activity on that day, I doubt my children would mind...

[Anonymous]

Moms need time to themselves. Actually, all people need this, but we've set up society so that moms really struggle to get it. I think in an ideal world, most moms would would to spend Mother's Day, or any holiday really, with their loved ones. But many moms so rarely get that time to themselves. So Mother's Day and their birthday are the rare occasion when they feel like they can insist on it and no one can complain. That's why a lot of moms use Mother's Day to get a break. Not because they don't love their kids or don't want to celebrate with them, but because it is often their only chance to get a break.

If you know a mom who wants to spend Mother's Day on her own, instead of assuming this means she doesn't love her kids (wtf?), ask yourself if this is someone who maybe could use some additional support in some ways. Especially if you're married to that mom. If your spouse is saying "I want this day to myself," that's her way of saying she doesn't get enough time to herself. If it bothers you, you should be asking yourself why a few hours on her own is something she only feels entitled to on "her" day.

Also, a more general point: it is gross to judge people for their feelings about their own lives. I hear it all the time: "she shouldn't feel that way", "she should be grateful", "she shouldn't complain." Telling other people how to feel is a one-way ticket to misery for all involved. Is someone needs a break, they need a break! No amount of telling them how grateful they should be, or how they should want to be around their kids, is going to change the fact that they feel like they need a break. Honestly, people are so lacking in empathy.

[Anonymous]

It would be hurtful and weird if a mom didn’t want to interact with her kids at all. But if the point is just to have some time “off” from the parts of motherhood that are a lot of work, and if the best way of doing that happens to be absence rather than being home but not jumping in to do stuff, that seems reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced and share joint physical custody. When we wrote the settlement agreement, we made sure that it explicitly stated that the children would be with mom on Mothers Day, and with dad on Fathers Day. Neither lawyer, the mediators, nor the judge raised questions about the desire of the parents to be in the presence of their children on those special days. The assumption seems to be that being with one's children on a special occasion or holiday is a positive experience that a parent would claim the right to, not a negative thing to be avoided. In fact, I wish now that we'd included language about each parent having the children for the parents' birthdays so that it were clear that I'd have my loved ones around on my special day. This isn't about martyrdom. It's about who you want at your side when you celebrate.

Completely different situation than when you are with them
Every day. You get that, right?

[Anonymous]

They'll make brunch for me, and then we'll all do our own thing. People don't need to spend every second of the day together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moms need time to themselves. Actually, all people need this, but we've set up society so that moms really struggle to get it. I think in an ideal world, most moms would would to spend Mother's Day, or any holiday really, with their loved ones. But many moms so rarely get that time to themselves. So Mother's Day and their birthday are the rare occasion when they feel like they can insist on it and no one can complain. That's why a lot of moms use Mother's Day to get a break. Not because they don't love their kids or don't want to celebrate with them, but because it is often their only chance to get a break.

If you know a mom who wants to spend Mother's Day on her own, instead of assuming this means she doesn't love her kids (wtf?), ask yourself if this is someone who maybe could use some additional support in some ways. Especially if you're married to that mom. If your spouse is saying "I want this day to myself," that's her way of saying she doesn't get enough time to herself. If it bothers you, you should be asking yourself why a few hours on her own is something she only feels entitled to on "her" day.

Also, a more general point: it is gross to judge people for their feelings about their own lives. I hear it all the time: "she shouldn't feel that way", "she should be grateful", "she shouldn't complain." Telling other people how to feel is a one-way ticket to misery for all involved. Is someone needs a break, they need a break! No amount of telling them how grateful they should be, or how they should want to be around their kids, is going to change the fact that they feel like they need a break. Honestly, people are so lacking in empathy.

All of this, 1000%.

[Anonymous]

God I am glad to be childfree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom, I was taken aback when I saw that other moms of young kids were planning to celebrate the day by not being with their kids. Sure, we all need a break now and then. But specifically asking to not have your kids around as the way to celebrate being a mother seems really odd to me.

How do the little children feel about this? I imagine this would have hurt my feelings when I was a child.

You think that it would have hurt your feelings as a child is, on Mother's Day, your Mom wanted to do something that she wanted to do, that didn't involve you?

I hope you've since sought help for . . . whatever this affliction is called.

Np. Yes it would have hurt my feelings.

Pick a different Sunday to have a day to yourself. Some little kids do pick up on the sense that you would rather NOT celebrate being a mom.

I say this as someone who relished in spending my first Mothers Day sleeping. Once my kid was old enough to care, I decided to allow him to do Mother's Day with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God I am glad to be childfree!

Everyone who knows you is glad you are, too!

Imagine being childfree and choosing to spend your Saturday night on a thread about mothering on a parenting website.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mom, I was taken aback when I saw that other moms of young kids were planning to celebrate the day by not being with their kids. Sure, we all need a break now and then. But specifically asking to not have your kids around as the way to celebrate being a mother seems really odd to me.

How do the little children feel about this? I imagine this would have hurt my feelings when I was a child.

Your helicopter award is ready. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom, I was taken aback when I saw that other moms of young kids were planning to celebrate the day by not being with their kids. Sure, we all need a break now and then. But specifically asking to not have your kids around as the way to celebrate being a mother seems really odd to me.

How do the little children feel about this? I imagine this would have hurt my feelings when I was a child.

You think that it would have hurt your feelings as a child is, on Mother's Day, your Mom wanted to do something that she wanted to do, that didn't involve you?

I hope you've since sought help for . . . whatever this affliction is called.

Np. Yes it would have hurt my feelings.

Pick a different Sunday to have a day to yourself. Some little kids do pick up on the sense that you would rather NOT celebrate being a mom.

I say this as someone who relished in spending my first Mothers Day sleeping. Once my kid was old enough to care, I decided to allow him to do Mother's Day with me.

How many mother’s days have you spent with this child? Do you have other children? Do you work outside the home? Is your child in school? Are you married? Were you not worried that in the future, your child might be upset when he finds out you preferred to sleep instead of spending the day celebrating his existence since that’s what allows you to be a mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re one of these martyr moms.

Yes, some of us need just one day to not have to worry about everyone else. Sorry not sorry.

Bingo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aww, divorced mom who only sees her kids 50% of the time being sanctimonious about me taking PART of one day to myself is cute. I tuck my kids in about 360 days a year, and hug them when they wake. We’re great, thanks.

I'm a divorced mom but have primary custody, he's an every other weekend dad. We have been separated for three years now. Because he's an every other weekend dad he has the kids friday to monday, and though our divorce agreement allows me to spend mothers day with my kids, he is controlling and abusive and its harder to approach him about the logistics of how to pick up my kids and return them to him (we have contactless handoffs through school as I have had a restraining order against him), so I don't bother trying. My kids know that I've gone to the mat for them, that I support them emotionally, financially, physically. They have such limited time with their Dad that I feel childish insisting on taking time from him to anoint myself "MOTHER" on some contrived day. They know who i am and what I do every day. They love me and I love them, paying extra to jockey for a mediocre brunch spot doesn't prove a thing.

So unlike previous divorced Mom, I have enjoyed my past two mothers days where I didn't have my kids by taking a spa weekend or a camping trip with a friend, and facetiming with my kids while my DH ran them to lacrosse games and other events.

THis year they are with me and its the first one where I find myself very sad. My ex's job moved us far from family a year before he left, so I am sad that my entire family is getting together to celebrate together, and we are across the country. My kids are 11-14 so cant drive, and their father would NEVER help them get me a gift or a card, so they have complicated feelings about not having anything for me. That means that I plan my "special" thing, which then doesn't feel that special. I plan that "special" thing around the driving to three lacrosse games, which is challenging. At all of the games you see Dad's there doting on their wives, I am alone.

I would much prefer to be safely in a spa, while the day went on. I find myself mired in sorrow and resentment (Dad is an addict with rage issues, hence the dissolution of marriage and his limited custody).

All of that said, the fact that a mother could come on here on this weekend and basically slam a mom who may have had NO CHOICE in divorce for not being a "full time parent" or pointing out something she may rue with all of her being (I tuck my kids in each night) is pretty shameful.

As you celebrate today, know you have a cold rotten heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom, I was taken aback when I saw that other moms of young kids were planning to celebrate the day by not being with their kids. Sure, we all need a break now and then. But specifically asking to not have your kids around as the way to celebrate being a mother seems really odd to me.

How do the little children feel about this? I imagine this would have hurt my feelings when I was a child.

You think that it would have hurt your feelings as a child is, on Mother's Day, your Mom wanted to do something that she wanted to do, that didn't involve you?

I hope you've since sought help for . . . whatever this affliction is called.

Np. Yes it would have hurt my feelings.

Pick a different Sunday to have a day to yourself. Some little kids do pick up on the sense that you would rather NOT celebrate being a mom.

I say this as someone who relished in spending my first Mothers Day sleeping. Once my kid was old enough to care, I decided to allow him to do Mother's Day with me.

How many mother’s days have you spent with this child? Do you have other children? Do you work outside the home? Is your child in school? Are you married? Were you not worried that in the future, your child might be upset when he finds out you preferred to sleep instead of spending the day celebrating his existence since that’s what allows you to be a mother?

BOlded is literally the polar opposite of what mothers day is. By that logic my mother should be celebrating me today? WHAT?

[Anonymous]

Lol the people on this thread who think Mother’s Day should be about moms celebrating their children is making me laugh because yesterday my 4 yr old started asking when “Kids Day” is and why she doesn’t “get a day.” Child logic! Y’all are cracking me up.