Spend Mothers' Day Not Mothering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced and share joint physical custody. When we wrote the settlement agreement, we made sure that it explicitly stated that the children would be with mom on Mothers Day, and with dad on Fathers Day. Neither lawyer, the mediators, nor the judge raised questions about the desire of the parents to be in the presence of their children on those special days. The assumption seems to be that being with one's children on a special occasion or holiday is a positive experience that a parent would claim the right to, not a negative thing to be avoided. In fact, I wish now that we'd included language about each parent having the children for the parents' birthdays so that it were clear that I'd have my loved ones around on my special day. This isn't about martyrdom. It's about who you want at your side when you celebrate.

Well, sure. If you can't keep your family and are not always everpresent for your kids, this makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aww, divorced mom who only sees her kids 50% of the time being sanctimonious about me taking PART of one day to myself is cute. I tuck my kids in about 360 days a year, and hug them when they wake. We’re great, thanks.

I'm a divorced mom but have primary custody, he's an every other weekend dad. We have been separated for three years now. Because he's an every other weekend dad he has the kids friday to monday, and though our divorce agreement allows me to spend mothers day with my kids, he is controlling and abusive and its harder to approach him about the logistics of how to pick up my kids and return them to him (we have contactless handoffs through school as I have had a restraining order against him), so I don't bother trying. My kids know that I've gone to the mat for them, that I support them emotionally, financially, physically. They have such limited time with their Dad that I feel childish insisting on taking time from him to anoint myself "MOTHER" on some contrived day. They know who i am and what I do every day. They love me and I love them, paying extra to jockey for a mediocre brunch spot doesn't prove a thing.

So unlike previous divorced Mom, I have enjoyed my past two mothers days where I didn't have my kids by taking a spa weekend or a camping trip with a friend, and facetiming with my kids while my DH ran them to lacrosse games and other events.

THis year they are with me and its the first one where I find myself very sad. My ex's job moved us far from family a year before he left, so I am sad that my entire family is getting together to celebrate together, and we are across the country. My kids are 11-14 so cant drive, and their father would NEVER help them get me a gift or a card, so they have complicated feelings about not having anything for me. That means that I plan my "special" thing, which then doesn't feel that special. I plan that "special" thing around the driving to three lacrosse games, which is challenging. At all of the games you see Dad's there doting on their wives, I am alone.

I would much prefer to be safely in a spa, while the day went on. I find myself mired in sorrow and resentment (Dad is an addict with rage issues, hence the dissolution of marriage and his limited custody).

All of that said, the fact that a mother could come on here on this weekend and basically slam a mom who may have had NO CHOICE in divorce for not being a "full time parent" or pointing out something she may rue with all of her being (I tuck my kids in each night) is pretty shameful.

As you celebrate today, know you have a cold rotten heart.

Don’t try to shame other moms for wanting and enjoying different things than you, and don’t crow about your superior priorities and values, and it won’t be a problem. But if you come for me, you will find me. You try to mom shake me, and I’ll lay it out. Don’t start none, won’t be none.

[Anonymous]

LOL. If you come for me you will find me. Street fighter married mom you just made my day.

[Anonymous]

This thread is awesome. It started off with normal judgment, but now we have street fighter mom (my new favorite poster-I really need to put most of those sentiments in a card and send it to my boss), someone got incepted, and a kid gave his mom the gift of pooping in the downstairs bathroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL. If you come for me you will find me. Street fighter married mom you just made my day.

Mine too. I’ll join her in the streets, MJ bad style.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I both like a mix of family time and alone time on our special day. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. And there's lots of different ways to celebrate a holiday as long as people are enjoying themselves.

[Anonymous]

The wording of the title of this thread is odd. I don’t want to be “mothering” on Mother’s Day because as much as I love mothering, it’s work. It is listening my kids’ problems, finding creative ways to make them do their chores, teaching them how to be good people, and of course taking care of their physical needs. Those are things I want a break from on Mother’s Day.

Now just being with my kids and husband while they give me cards and make me breakfast and say nice things about me? Yes, I want that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you OP, and it sends a REALLY bad message to our young children that we don't want to be with them. We would not be mothers if it wasn't for them.

Oh for God's sake! You're exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moms need time to themselves. Actually, all people need this, but we've set up society so that moms really struggle to get it. I think in an ideal world, most moms would would to spend Mother's Day, or any holiday really, with their loved ones. But many moms so rarely get that time to themselves. So Mother's Day and their birthday are the rare occasion when they feel like they can insist on it and no one can complain. That's why a lot of moms use Mother's Day to get a break. Not because they don't love their kids or don't want to celebrate with them, but because it is often their only chance to get a break.

If you know a mom who wants to spend Mother's Day on her own, instead of assuming this means she doesn't love her kids (wtf?), ask yourself if this is someone who maybe could use some additional support in some ways. Especially if you're married to that mom. If your spouse is saying "I want this day to myself," that's her way of saying she doesn't get enough time to herself. If it bothers you, you should be asking yourself why a few hours on her own is something she only feels entitled to on "her" day.

Also, a more general point: it is gross to judge people for their feelings about their own lives. I hear it all the time: "she shouldn't feel that way", "she should be grateful", "she shouldn't complain." Telling other people how to feel is a one-way ticket to misery for all involved. Is someone needs a break, they need a break! No amount of telling them how grateful they should be, or how they should want to be around their kids, is going to change the fact that they feel like they need a break. Honestly, people are so lacking in empathy.

This 1000x's

How can the OP and others like her not see this?? I seriously think there is something wrong with a woman who can't understand this. The "shock" of other mothers not living up to how they define how a mother should act (how dare they not want to spend this precious day luxuriating in the gift of their childrens presence) is probably hiding some deep insecurity about her own worth as a person, woman, and mother..

[Anonymous]

I learned my lesson last year when these Mother's Day posts started.

Don't post your vulnerabilities as a mom here. It just brings out the worst from other moms.

There is no one way to mother, be a mother, married or divorced.

I was able for the most part to work things out with my Ex, my sister and her ex, crazy not so much. And you figure out how to work around it. Some of us have exes that will cause us to work harder or smarter to keep out sanity and unique times spent with our kids.

Be best, ladies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I learned my lesson last year when these Mother's Day posts started.

Don't post your vulnerabilities as a mom here. It just brings out the worst from other moms.

There is no one way to mother, be a mother, married or divorced.

I was able for the most part to work things out with my Ex, my sister and her ex, crazy not so much. And you figure out how to work around it. Some of us have exes that will cause us to work harder or smarter to keep out sanity and unique times spent with our kids.

Be best, ladies.

[Anonymous]

This is part of the reason I hate Mothers Day. It's just such a silly holiday. If you need a specific day for someone to appreciate you, youre doing something wrong. It's just another day for people to get hurt over expectations or judge each other. Who cares if mom goes to the spa for 5 hours on a Sunday? I guarantee you, no adult is in therapy going "well mom spent all her weekends taking me to sports and playing with me and taking care of me, but the fact that she took time to herself on Mother's Day is what caused my issues". Kids who have issues because mom took time to herself on mothers day have issues because mom always put her needs first, not just one day a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 5 year old excitedly told me I could do lots of special stuff for Mother’s Day. He said “you can use the downstairs bathroom to poop!!!” And when I declined to poop in the powder room he was disappointed. Because that was my surprise present. To poop in the powder room.

Love this. It sums up Mother’s Day from a child and it is a great present.

DD told me for mine I could make anything I wanted for dinner. Very sweet!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The wording of the title of this thread is odd. I don’t want to be “mothering” on Mother’s Day because as much as I love mothering, it’s work. It is listening my kids’ problems, finding creative ways to make them do their chores, teaching them how to be good people, and of course taking care of their physical needs. Those are things I want a break from on Mother’s Day.

Now just being with my kids and husband while they give me cards and make me breakfast and say nice things about me? Yes, I want that.

You forgot to capitalize Mothering. A Mother isn’t truly a Mother if she isn’t Mothering, always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I came downstairs to a note from dh and cold coffee. He’d taken the kids out hiking for the day. So bummed and crying now. I guess I had thought I’d wake up to toddler snuggles and breakfast in bed. I’d even stayed in bed until 9:30 waiting. I would have gone hiking. I’m sure it pregnancy hormone but I’m just sad to not see them

See this would be my dream come true! If my husband got the kids out of the house without me, to plan it and pack food. Wow. That’d be awesome.