Imposing relatives on MY birthday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. Your response comes off as childish and selfish. Your requests are a bit unreasonable - the whole week is about you? ANd your birthday wishes?

It was with good intention. ANd for people who are extroverted (like your ILs) THIS is a good idea and they assume you would like it too. SUre, you may know yourself and recoginize you're an introvert. That's fine, but not everyone around does. In fact, it's hard to recognize it in other people especially if you always put on a smile, go through the motions of being polite, appear gracious and friendly, and the like.

Surely, there will be chunks of time for just me-time, time with kids & DH, and the like so you can re-charge. No?

Can you get DH to ask your IL to babysit the kids one night while you and DH go out for the day together? Will ILs take you out for a nice dinner ? Can you make your birthday wishes known on your actual bday "I want to sleep late, leisurely shower, coffee and pastry in peace, read my book, spend a few hours with kids, and go out to XYZ restuarant for dinner"?

Would YOU change your plans gladly if you had already booked a vacation somewhere you actually wanted to go, and then suddenly your in-laws told you to cancel the trip, because they made plans for you elsewhere without telling you, where you do NOT want to go, and furthermore it will be to spend time with them, and you really don't feel this is something you want to do for your birthday?

My 40th was spent with my husband and kids, at home. I'm not a party person. But come on. Her ILs are terribly rude and disrespectful here.

[Anonymous]

This is really an H problem. He should know better. There's no way this whole trip was planned without his knowledge and tacit agreement. Now that it's not going as planned, he's throwing OP under the bus by guilting her to please his family, when he knows he messed up.

I'd have a heart to heart with him and try to get him to understand how shitty it is to impose a week long vacation on her without her consent or even input. Then he deals with his family and she tunes them out. If he refuses to see the logic and continues with his family's line of assault, then it's time for some deep reflection on the marriage. Seriously, this is NOT what a partner does in a situation like this. You don't throw your spouse under the bus to save your own hide from your clamoring family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is really an H problem. He should know better. There's no way this whole trip was planned without his knowledge and tacit agreement. Now that it's not going as planned, he's throwing OP under the bus by guilting her to please his family, when he knows he messed up.

I'd have a heart to heart with him and try to get him to understand how shitty it is to impose a week long vacation on her without her consent or even input. Then he deals with his family and she tunes them out. If he refuses to see the logic and continues with his family's line of assault, then it's time for some deep reflection on the marriage. Seriously, this is NOT what a partner does in a situation like this. You don't throw your spouse under the bus to save your own hide from your clamoring family.

Agree. This is DHs problem and he needs to give a mea culpa to his family and suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Who is paying for all of this?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'll be the dissenting opinion here and say that I think OP is acting like a petulant child with the "MY birthday week" garbage. It always rubs me the wrong way when an adult acts like their birthday is this huge holiday and they should get whatever their heart desires. All you did to deserve that day is be born.

+1 -- just politely decline and move on. Adults who think they get a birthday week and it's a holy holiday are ridiculous.

On the other hand suffering through a week with inlaws in a location she had no say in is very sadistic. I would rather stay home and watch Netflix.

I said "politely decline" and move on. Not go ahead and suffer through it. But the drama and the bashing the in-laws is immature.

Sounds like she already declined and they are throwing a fit and saying they already booked tickets.

NO where did it say that. She hasn't done anything yet.

Reread the op. She said her mil is offended and the SILs are complaining that they already bought tickets. Sounds to me like she declined . . .

I don’t think she declined. I think she said she already had plans and now they are throwing a big stink about it. Basically they are probably trying to guilt her into changing her plans to do what they want. Team op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They already bought tickets?! That will make things much harder. Your husband had to play a role in this.

Apparently it was supposed to be a surprise. Well, I am certainly surprised. Unpleasantly surprised. Yes, call me selfish, but birthdays should be about what the birthday person wants, not what's expected of him/her. IMHO.

DP. It is a birthday, not a coronation. Grow up. You're going to be 40 and you should see that it is just a day like any other day.

I agree with the first poster that your husband was obviously involved in this up to his eyeballs. If you're going to be angry with anyone then it should be him. Your inlaws were just along for the ride.

If you absolutely must throw a tantrum then arrive the day AFTER your birthday so you can celebrate your Birthday Queen status by yourself like you want to. Jeez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really an H problem. He should know better. There's no way this whole trip was planned without his knowledge and tacit agreement. Now that it's not going as planned, he's throwing OP under the bus by guilting her to please his family, when he knows he messed up.

I'd have a heart to heart with him and try to get him to understand how shitty it is to impose a week long vacation on her without her consent or even input. Then he deals with his family and she tunes them out. If he refuses to see the logic and continues with his family's line of assault, then it's time for some deep reflection on the marriage. Seriously, this is NOT what a partner does in a situation like this. You don't throw your spouse under the bus to save your own hide from your clamoring family.

Agree. This is DHs problem and he needs to give a mea culpa to his family and suck it up.

NP. 100%. I don't know how OP's husband would think this is a good idea. Something seems very off here. Or why OP's in-laws would want to spend a week somewhere for HER birthday when it must be obvious that there is a strained relationship since OP says she can't stand them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. Your response comes off as childish and selfish. Your requests are a bit unreasonable - the whole week is about you? ANd your birthday wishes?

It was with good intention. ANd for people who are extroverted (like your ILs) THIS is a good idea and they assume you would like it too. SUre, you may know yourself and recoginize you're an introvert. That's fine, but not everyone around does. In fact, it's hard to recognize it in other people especially if you always put on a smile, go through the motions of being polite, appear gracious and friendly, and the like.

Surely, there will be chunks of time for just me-time, time with kids & DH, and the like so you can re-charge. No?

Can you get DH to ask your IL to babysit the kids one night while you and DH go out for the day together? Will ILs take you out for a nice dinner ? Can you make your birthday wishes known on your actual bday "I want to sleep late, leisurely shower, coffee and pastry in peace, read my book, spend a few hours with kids, and go out to XYZ restuarant for dinner"?

Really, PP? Her husband doesn't know OP dislikes her in-laws and doesn't want to spend ANY time with them? I am not buying it. The intention was not "good", it was to please his family of origin with complete disregard of OP. This is the problem, not OP's birthday desires.

Maybe OP isn't right to get "a whole week that's about her". But MIL doesn't get one either, not with unwilling participants.

As Americans, many of us get a pretty small amount of time off. I would not be pleased to have someone else decide on a whole week's vacation for me - my time is precious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They already bought tickets?! That will make things much harder. Your husband had to play a role in this.

Apparently it was supposed to be a surprise. Well, I am certainly surprised. Unpleasantly surprised. Yes, call me selfish, but birthdays should be about what the birthday person wants, not what's expected of him/her. IMHO.

DP. It is a birthday, not a coronation. Grow up. You're going to be 40 and you should see that it is just a day like any other day.

I agree with the first poster that your husband was obviously involved in this up to his eyeballs. If you're going to be angry with anyone then it should be him. Your inlaws were just along for the ride.

If you absolutely must throw a tantrum then arrive the day AFTER your birthday so you can celebrate your Birthday Queen status by yourself like you want to. Jeez.

If this happened to you, you'd be pissed.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'll be the dissenting opinion here and say that I think OP is acting like a petulant child with the "MY birthday week" garbage. It always rubs me the wrong way when an adult acts like their birthday is this huge holiday and they should get whatever their heart desires. All you did to deserve that day is be born.

+1 -- just politely decline and move on. Adults who think they get a birthday week and it's a holy holiday are ridiculous.

On the other hand suffering through a week with inlaws in a location she had no say in is very sadistic. I would rather stay home and watch Netflix.

I said "politely decline" and move on. Not go ahead and suffer through it. But the drama and the bashing the in-laws is immature.

Sounds like she already declined and they are throwing a fit and saying they already booked tickets.

NO where did it say that. She hasn't done anything yet.

Reread the op. She said her mil is offended and the SILs are complaining that they already bought tickets. Sounds to me like she declined . . .

I don’t think she declined. I think she said she already had plans and now they are throwing a big stink about it. Basically they are probably trying to guilt her into changing her plans to do what they want. Team op.

OP says, "This is absolutely not what I want to do and I cannot get through to anyone. MIL is getting all offended, DH's sisters said they ALREADY booked tickets."

"Sorry, I have other plans" IS declining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they wanted an excuse to have a vacation together. Can you drop in for a day or two and continue with your plans?

If not, tell them you hope they have a great time, and maybe plan another time to see them.

This was quite imposing on them on you, but hopefully it was with good intentions. If so, I'd be gentle with your decline.

I cannot drop in for a day or two because the plan for my birthday was to go to Florida. They are renting a house in WVa. Also, why would I drop in? No one consulted me. They can't make it "oh, we wanted to come and see you on your birthday". That's not what I wanted, I didn't invite them. Even DCs know that birthdays are about what birthday people want. You may not always like it but it's their day, you go along with it, and no, b-day people are not selfish for asking one day a year to be about them and their needs.

You and your DH and kids go to Florida. Your husband explains why to his family. Was he involved in the planning? It’s ridiculous for inlaws to think you would want to spend a week with them to celebrate your birthday. My guess is they found a place they like, booked it, then realized it was your birthday week so they tried to sell it to your DH as it is a surprise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They already bought tickets?! That will make things much harder. Your husband had to play a role in this.

Apparently it was supposed to be a surprise. Well, I am certainly surprised. Unpleasantly surprised. Yes, call me selfish, but birthdays should be about what the birthday person wants, not what's expected of him/her. IMHO.

DP. It is a birthday, not a coronation. Grow up. You're going to be 40 and you should see that it is just a day like any other day.

I agree with the first poster that your husband was obviously involved in this up to his eyeballs. If you're going to be angry with anyone then it should be him. Your inlaws were just along for the ride.

If you absolutely must throw a tantrum then arrive the day AFTER your birthday so you can celebrate your Birthday Queen status by yourself like you want to. Jeez.

Nobody is throwing a fit. Now you’re just making stuff up.

[Anonymous]

I hope OP returns and tells us if DH knew about the week in WV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a DH problem. He should have intervened long ago, before tickets were bought.

+1 Where was your husband in the planning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They already bought tickets?! That will make things much harder. Your husband had to play a role in this.

Apparently it was supposed to be a surprise. Well, I am certainly surprised. Unpleasantly surprised. Yes, call me selfish, but birthdays should be about what the birthday person wants, not what's expected of him/her. IMHO.

DP. It is a birthday, not a coronation. Grow up. You're going to be 40 and you should see that it is just a day like any other day.

I agree with the first poster that your husband was obviously involved in this up to his eyeballs. If you're going to be angry with anyone then it should be him. Your inlaws were just along for the ride.

If you absolutely must throw a tantrum then arrive the day AFTER your birthday so you can celebrate your Birthday Queen status by yourself like you want to. Jeez.

The only reason the birthday is relevant is that it is both the reason the OP planned a vacation and it the reason the inlaws are using to trap the OP into going on a week long vacation with them she does not want to go on. It is ridiculous that a family vacation was planned without the OP being consulted. Instead they are using her birthday as an excuse to not tell her about it.