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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have more formal education than my husband. (A doctorate, he has an Associates Degree). We love each other to death and have been married 20 years. In a nutshell, our skills are complementary. It took a long time, but I don't try to change him anymore and he does the same for me.. Intellectually he is an equal but his strengths are different from mine and when I have hard dark thoughts like you are describing I  take a breath and realize all of his strengths and the ways he is actually better than me. He is a better cook, he is more open to people, (and to new experiences), he is better at saving money, he forgives more easily, he has more knowledge of history, he is less neurotic, etc. Look for the good. [/quote]

OK, I can relate to your post, and to this one above. The way I look at it is, every couple struggles with one or more dimensions of their compatibility. When you’re with someone who isn’t educated in the same way as you, or maybe isn’t as articulate or academic, it can be a struggle to respect their intelligence, especially when the woman is more educated. There’s a definite gender dimension to this. The reality is, this will probably intensify with age. There are two ways to look at it. If you don’t respect his intelligence, and you think having deep conversations is what you desire most out of life, then you are probably heading toward divorce. But another way to look at this is that you can’t expect to get everything from one person, and youn have to accept him for who he is, and if you try to make him more “intellectual,” it’s not gonna happen. You have to respect and focus on his strengths, and let go of your wishes to connect with him about deep topics. It doesn’t mean you’re going to have a bad relationship. Most couples aren’t having deep discussions, they are connecting in other ways, and there are lots of ways to connect with your partner. This is what I try to do in my relationship of 20 plus years. [/quote]

OP here. So so helpful. Thank you. In what other ways do you connect? Perhaps this is what we're missing. And long work days and hectic childcare schedules don't provide many openings. And the few windows that we've had in the past year are very unsatisfying.[/quote]

Sexually (as you would probably have expected) our chemistry is  strong and still is after many years together. Not that we have sex at the same frequency as years ago, but it is still really great. We are affectionate, in normal times we like to entertain our friends or get together when they invite us,  we both value marriage, our extended  family, money, our house,, loyalty, we share the same ethnicity/religious upbringing and have evolved in a similar way. We Most of all we connect around our children. He is a really great father, widens their world, exposes them to things that balance out my egghead leanings (nature, a lot of time with friends, community involvement, etc). We connect now by watching the same shows, walks, etc but yes we often disagree and when younger had blowout fights, more rare now,. sometimes he has made judgments about things that baffled me or really frustrated me. The difference is, I can tell him and he hears me.. And I always have. I have said things like, "when you do x, I feel like y and my concern is z" etc. And sometimes  I was really pissed.  And he can hear me. I have to absolutely then hear him too and his frustrations with me and the ways I am a pia too. We might still disagree but now at least we both make room to listen. Sometimes he gets his way and I defer, sometimes I do. Sometimes we meet in the middle. Sometimes we just accept we disagree. My main point is that in the past I judged him way more harshly and also thougt like pp that he lacked critical thinking skills or just was dim, etc. But as I have matured and learned to listen I see that he had his logic, reasons and his perspective and I have done stupid, self defeating things too. I am a highly educated person and sometimes I can be ridiculously ignorant and make my own kind of illogical, dim choices. (Usually by playing it too safe).. We have both matured and that helps a lot. My husband is also a sweet and very kind but strong person. His essence is mostly good. If you have this, it is valuable. We bump heads but the love and commitment is really strong now. But it took years and work to get here yes. He also stands up to me which i respect. We both wanted to stay married. When i heard RBG say that the secret to a good marriage was to "be a little deaf" I realized that no marriage is a cake walk. [/quote]

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