Question for "strict" parents out there or believe they have very high standards for behavior

[Anonymous]

He'd get yelled at if he walked out and ignored me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He'd get yelled at if he walked out and ignored me.

Seems very effective. And will teach him to yell at people when they don't do what he wants them to do. Great conflict resolution skills to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have extremely high standards for behavior. But we allow all feelings. For example, its ok to express your anger or displeasure by whining or crying, but it is NOT ok to throw things or to hit people when you're angry. I show my kids how to express their anger in constructive ways. If my kid walks away when I am talking to them, I go and sit in front of them and say 'I see you're having a hard time listening, what can you do when that happens?" And I tell them what they can do instead.

Kids pre frontal cortex in the brain, which controls emotional control, is not developed until early adulthood. So to expect a 4y to not whine is NOT developmentally age appropriate.

If my husband told me not to whine when I am annoyed with something, I would just get more angry. But if he says "Yeah I get it, its annoying", I can immediately calm down. And I'm an adult and not a 4y old obviously...

It's part of being human to be able to express your feelings.

This is well said. My kids stomp their feet, roll their eyes, huff and puff. But if they do the task I’m asking them to do, it’s fine. If they look really upset, I get down on their level and ask them what’s bugging them. Sometimes it’s just a matter of not feeling heard. My 5 year old will say something like “but I was playing, I don’t want to clean up”. To which I say “I understand, it is frustrating, let’s clean up together and see who can get the toys back in the closet the fastest”. That usually snaps him right out of it. Don’t make the behavior a big deal, let them express it, but help them to move past it. It’s normal in young kids. My oldest grew past it, or course I’m sure the eye rolls and huffs will make an appearance again once he hits 14. That’s totally normal too!

100% agree and that's a great way to deal with the "but I don't want to" and the eye rolls etc. My MIL starts negotiating instead "well yes, you have to" and then the kid goes "NO!!!", and MIL goes "Yes, or else!". And the kid either runs away or they just get more angry. Very effective... not

[Anonymous]

The eye rolls and huffs are communicating something. If you use empathy to lean into what he’s feeling and out words to it, he will learn to communicate. How much do you model using “I feel” statements in your communication?

[Anonymous]

If you allow someone to cry and whine until early adulthood LOL it explains a lot about the people in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you allow someone to cry and whine until early adulthood LOL it explains a lot about the people in this area.

If you don't allow someone to express their feelings LOL it explains a lot about the people in this area. That's why we have school shootings and partly, mental illnesses. Because people build up all this rage inside because their parents punished them when they tried to let their feelings out.

It's not up to you to allow or not allow a child to cry. Its a birth right to have feelings and express them as long as the form of expression doesnt harm anyone else. A child or even young adult crying or whining doesn't harm anybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you allow someone to cry and whine until early adulthood LOL it explains a lot about the people in this area.

I'm hoping you're trying to be flip, but parents being able to empathize with their children is actually fundamental for children's healthy emotional development. Fun fact: you can be empathic AND set boundaries. I do it all the time: "I hear how frustrated you are with your little brothers, but it's not okay to yell at them." Or: "I know you're mad that I won't let you get your own iPhone, but it's not happening."

You have to be willing to be your child's safe person, though, and to actually care about how they feel, more than your own rigid need for order and control. I appreciate that dynamic is hard for some people.

[Anonymous]

No eye rolling, no huffing, no ignoring, no walking away. Set the standard NOW when it’s easier so you have a good baseline in the teen years when things can get really tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No eye rolling, no huffing, no ignoring, no walking away. Set the standard NOW when it’s easier so you have a good baseline in the teen years when things can get really tough.

No eye rolling by you either, no ignoring or disrespectful talking back. Hopefully you follow what you preach and be a robot yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No eye rolling, no huffing, no ignoring, no walking away. Set the standard NOW when it’s easier so you have a good baseline in the teen years when things can get really tough.

No eye rolling by you either, no ignoring or disrespectful talking back. Hopefully you follow what you preach and be a robot yourself.

Not the PP (I'm the poster who said I'd take my child aside talk to them for a second, and then send them back) but as an adult, I don't do any of those things in the context of a relationship with someone I care about. Are you really saying you think someone who doesn't roll their eyes at, ignore or talk back to their 4 year old is a "robot"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a very brand new supervisor right now who is in the stage of his first supervisory assignment where he will not allow any eye- rolling or grumbling. He’s writing this up as insubordination.

I think he’s going to last about 4 months.

What kind of a (supposedly professional) adult rolls their eyes at a boss? Are you 12?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The eye rolls and huffs are communicating something. If you use empathy to lean into what he’s feeling and out words to it, he will learn to communicate. How much do you model using “I feel” statements in your communication?

I feel irritated that making basic good behavior subject to negotiation from a young age inevitably results in adults who think that eye-rolling in front of the boss is an acceptable form dissent at work on this forum.
I feel sad when adults with a similar world view on the acceptability of eyerolling at work suggest that a supervisor who does not tolerate over-indulgent behavior deserves to be sabotaged.
I feel frustrated that their parents probably caved into manipulative behaviors, and feel regretful that they now have trouble coping with anything disagreeable to them.
I feel annoyed that when the role between parent and friend is blurred growing up, a similar misunderstanding happens at work.

Empathy and communication are important, but so are clear expectations, consequences, and teaching kids how to manage disappointment and frustration so they don't become insufferable adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The eye rolls and huffs are communicating something. If you use empathy to lean into what he’s feeling and out words to it, he will learn to communicate. How much do you model using “I feel” statements in your communication?

I feel irritated that making basic good behavior subject to negotiation from a young age inevitably results in adults who think that eye-rolling in front of the boss is an acceptable form dissent at work on this forum.
I feel sad when adults with a similar world view on the acceptability of eyerolling at work suggest that a supervisor who does not tolerate over-indulgent behavior deserves to be sabotaged.
I feel frustrated that their parents probably caved into manipulative behaviors, and feel regretful that they now have trouble coping with anything disagreeable to them.
I feel annoyed that when the role between parent and friend is blurred growing up, a similar misunderstanding happens at work.

Empathy and communication are important, but so are clear expectations, consequences, and teaching kids how to manage disappointment and frustration so they don't become insufferable adults.

Yeah, I’m willing to bet that most of us who take a Whole Brain Child-type approach have very different standards for behavior from the *adults* in our lives vs. the *children*. It’s not easy work, parenting that way, and those of us who chose it usually are dedicated parents who have high standards for their kids (hell, WBC talks so.much. About the importance of high standards). It’s much easier to either be completely permissive or overly strict—you get to check out of paying attention to your children’s emotional development. IME, self-described “strict” parents don’t do a freaking thing to teach their kids how to manage difficult feelings, other than telling them to go to their rooms and do it on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The eye rolls and huffs are communicating something. If you use empathy to lean into what he’s feeling and out words to it, he will learn to communicate. How much do you model using “I feel” statements in your communication?

I feel irritated that making basic good behavior subject to negotiation from a young age inevitably results in adults who think that eye-rolling in front of the boss is an acceptable form dissent at work on this forum.
I feel sad when adults with a similar world view on the acceptability of eyerolling at work suggest that a supervisor who does not tolerate over-indulgent behavior deserves to be sabotaged.
I feel frustrated that their parents probably caved into manipulative behaviors, and feel regretful that they now have trouble coping with anything disagreeable to them.
I feel annoyed that when the role between parent and friend is blurred growing up, a similar misunderstanding happens at work.

Empathy and communication are important, but so are clear expectations, consequences, and teaching kids how to manage disappointment and frustration so they don't become insufferable adults.

Yeah, I’m willing to bet that most of us who take a Whole Brain Child-type approach have very different standards for behavior from the *adults* in our lives vs. the *children*. It’s not easy work, parenting that way, and those of us who chose it usually are dedicated parents who have high standards for their kids (hell, WBC talks so.much. About the importance of high standards). It’s much easier to either be completely permissive or overly strict—you get to check out of paying attention to your children’s emotional development. IME, self-described “strict” parents don’t do a freaking thing to teach their kids how to manage difficult feelings, other than telling them to go to their rooms and do it on their own.

The insufferable part came quicker than I expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No eye rolling, no huffing, no ignoring, no walking away. Set the standard NOW when it’s easier so you have a good baseline in the teen years when things can get really tough.

No eye rolling by you either, no ignoring or disrespectful talking back. Hopefully you follow what you preach and be a robot yourself.

I'm the person you are replying to and no...I don't eye roll or ignore people or disrespectfully "talk back" to anyone. if I have a problem with a person or a situation, I deal with it without theatrics. It's not that difficult and it's not robotic. I can certainly get upset and angry. I communicate that in ways that aren't petty or unproductive.