Question for "strict" parents out there or believe they have very high standards for behavior

[Anonymous]

OP what you described has nothing to do with "kindness".
All behavior is communication. Perhaps you give more attention to bad behavior and not enough to good (i.e. if they behave it's as expected and doesn't get positive reactions).

Above all, whatever standards you have - you have model them. That eye rolling and walking away was learned from someone in your child's immediate circle. Meditate on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the parent of a 4yo boy who is generally a very kind and engaged little guy. We have high (and age appropriate) standards for his behavior. Excessive whining, complaining, rudeness, unkindness is just not tolerated around here. And how we have run things has been fine but now as he is moving into little kid territory I need a gut check.

As of late the eye rolling, whining and even 4yo sarcasm is leveling up. I know he is testing boundaries and so a certain amount of this I just have to let go sometimes, I think. Esp in the evenings after long days at school and trying to get him in his bedtime routine, I'll let things slide a little more. But I wanted to check with the "strict" parents, what is your rudeness boundary? How much attitude do you let slide before a consequence? FWIW he doesn't do this to others like his teachers or babysitters.

As an example, this morning I asked him to go pick out clothes and he rolled his eyes and walked out of the room, ignoring me as I called his name repeatedly. "Consequences" often include me scooping him up and saying, "Oh wow you seemed to have forgotten you kindness just now! How about you take a break until you can show me you know how to be kind." Or something of the sort. It does work but should I be doing that with every huff and eyeroll?

I'm sorry OP, but you are not demanding "kindness". You are demanding compliance. Correctly worded, your response would be "You are not complying with me. I choose to punish you until you comply again."

And that's actually not a "high" standard. It's a cop out. If you want kindness, you have to model it, not control his every action. That requires empathy, as well as an understanding of child development and human behavior. It's a lot more work than "my way or the highway". I recommend the book "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" for a new perspective.

[Anonymous]

Don’t listen to the empathetic, let’s-develop-a-collective-strategy-with-an-irrational-preschooler parents; young children need direct, simple instructions with clear and consistent consequences. They don’t want to brainstorm boundaries, YOU set the boundaries. Young children want to know the dimensions of their world, this goes, this doesn’t, this is good, that’s bad. Your rules should be as natural as the laws of physics: gravity makes things fall and children don’t roll their eyes at their mothers.

[Anonymous]

I don't know whether I would be considered strict or not. I feel like some people consider me strict because I have high expectations and give a lot of feedback. Other people probably consider me lenient because I don't really punish my kids. My two kids are really different. In my experience people who see my oldest kid, who is very mellow compliant kid, think I must be whatever they think is best, and people who see my youngest kid, draw different conclusions depending on how he's behaving that day.

But my response to what you describe would be to take my kid's hand, remove him a few steps from where he is, get down on his eye level and tell him exactly what I expect, and then go back and practice. I actually think it's a little bit like what parents do with time out, except I skip the time out.

So, if my kid is twirling around the room and not listening to my direction to get a shirt from his drawer, I would walk over to him, lead him back to the bed so I can sit down at his eye level and say "Now we're getting dressed. When I ask you to get a shirt, I need you to say "OK" and go get one from your drawer. Now please go get a shirt." and then I keep them with me until I get "OK" and generally they'll go get one.

If I'm talking to my kid in their kitchen, and they roll their eyes and wander off, then I'll walk them into the dining room, get on their eye level and say. When I am speaking to you, I want your feet to stay still, and I want you to look at me* with a polite face. Rolling your eyes isn't polite. Let's go back in the kitchen and try again.

I've had a couple people come to my house assume that I did some terrible punitive thing, when I asked a kid to walk into another room and they come back compliant, but in reality I think the change of location is enough to distract them from whatever they were thinking about instead of and get them paying attention to what I am expecting. I figure my kids want to do well. They want to please me. So, if they aren't they probably either weren't paying attention, or forgot my expectations. So, I get their attention by moving them, and restate my expectations. It generally works.

* I don't happen to have kids with ASD or other conditions that impact eye contact. I'm also a teacher who has worked with many kids on the spectrum and I would not give the direction to look at me. I would model other things to do with one's gaze that I consider polite. For example, it is not polite to read a book while I am talking to you. It's fine to close the book and keep looking down towards the cover as a way to keep from being overwhelmed by the eye contact.

[Anonymous]

No I would not allow eye rolling or huffing away. HOWEVER, I would also structure the day so that he does not have a “long day” at school. For example, hire a nanny so that he only has school for half-days (or until 3 after K) and can then come to the comfort of home for snack, alone time, activities etc. That’s what I do with my own kids, and it would improve his mood I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I let eye rolls go. I let mumbling under the breath go. If I tell them to go do something, and they go off to do it while grumbling, they're still doing it. And that's good enough for me. I do not want to create a situation where they can't vent their anger or frustration.

I'm strict about safety, about cleaning up messes and being organized, strict about being kind, strict about enforcing boundaries, and about high-quality apologies. But if you want to stamp up the stairs grumbling that you HATE getting dressed, go right ahead. I hate putting on a bra and real pants instead of pj pants too, buddy. I feel you, 100%.

This is the right answer right here. Kids are allowed to express their displeasure. They’re human beings. My mom was insane about not allowing any sort of eye rolling or any other form of “rude behavior”. Thankfully she doesn’t get it anymore from me and my two siblings because we don’t ever see her. Now I hear she whines about how she can’t believe we have abandoned her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading the book Out of Control by Shefali Tsabary changed my parenting style 100% when it comes to stuff like this. I know there’s different styles so you do you but I recommend looking into it if you’ve never heard of her books.

+1

[Anonymous]

I'm in my mid 50s with an early middle schooler. Gen X parent among Millennial parents. We (my spouse and I) will call out eye rolls, mumbling under the breath, foot stomping. It's about respect.

I think too many Millennial parents let things go that they should nip in the bud and call out on the spot. Expect respect.

[Anonymous]

I’m stricter than some parents but not as strict as my parents were. I do let more go than they did because I want to have a respectful healthy relationship with DD. I would not allow eye rolling or blatant intentional disrespect. I’m ok sometimes with walking away if she needs to calm done....... then we can regroup when everyone is calm. I know you only gave one example but you could avoid specific situation by choosing clothes the night before and tell him to be dressed before he comes out of his room in the morning on a school days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let eye rolls go. I let mumbling under the breath go. If I tell them to go do something, and they go off to do it while grumbling, they're still doing it. And that's good enough for me. I do not want to create a situation where they can't vent their anger or frustration.

I'm strict about safety, about cleaning up messes and being organized, strict about being kind, strict about enforcing boundaries, and about high-quality apologies. But if you want to stamp up the stairs grumbling that you HATE getting dressed, go right ahead. I hate putting on a bra and real pants instead of pj pants too, buddy. I feel you, 100%.

This is the right answer right here. Kids are allowed to express their displeasure. They’re human beings. My mom was insane about not allowing any sort of eye rolling or any other form of “rude behavior”. Thankfully she doesn’t get it anymore from me and my two siblings because we don’t ever see her. Now I hear she whines about how she can’t believe we have abandoned her.

+1. My parents were super strict and I really don't talk to them. Personally, I follow the approaches outlined in Whole Brain Parenting and No Drama Discipline. Works for us and great for relationship building while teaching children how to be people.

[Anonymous]

Eye rolling and ignoring when called is disrespectful here and not tolerated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eye rolling and ignoring when called is disrespectful here and not tolerated.

Ditto.

[Anonymous]

So you are trying to control his physical movements? Right down to whether he moves his eyes? Good luck with that. It sounds pretty Soviet.

[Anonymous]

I agree that middle schools and teens (and probably elementary age, don’t know yet because I have a 4 year old) shouldn’t roll their eyes, but a 4 year old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I let eye rolls go. I let mumbling under the breath go. If I tell them to go do something, and they go off to do it while grumbling, they're still doing it. And that's good enough for me. I do not want to create a situation where they can't vent their anger or frustration.

I'm strict about safety, about cleaning up messes and being organized, strict about being kind, strict about enforcing boundaries, and about high-quality apologies. But if you want to stamp up the stairs grumbling that you HATE getting dressed, go right ahead. I hate putting on a bra and real pants instead of pj pants too, buddy. I feel you, 100%.

+1. I don’t expect obedience with a smile. kids are allowed to express displeasure. They can’t keep it together all the time.