Question for "strict" parents out there or believe they have very high standards for behavior

[Anonymous]

I am the parent of a 4yo boy who is generally a very kind and engaged little guy. We have high (and age appropriate) standards for his behavior. Excessive whining, complaining, rudeness, unkindness is just not tolerated around here. And how we have run things has been fine but now as he is moving into little kid territory I need a gut check.

As of late the eye rolling, whining and even 4yo sarcasm is leveling up. I know he is testing boundaries and so a certain amount of this I just have to let go sometimes, I think. Esp in the evenings after long days at school and trying to get him in his bedtime routine, I'll let things slide a little more. But I wanted to check with the "strict" parents, what is your rudeness boundary? How much attitude do you let slide before a consequence? FWIW he doesn't do this to others like his teachers or babysitters.

As an example, this morning I asked him to go pick out clothes and he rolled his eyes and walked out of the room, ignoring me as I called his name repeatedly. "Consequences" often include me scooping him up and saying, "Oh wow you seemed to have forgotten you kindness just now! How about you take a break until you can show me you know how to be kind." Or something of the sort. It does work but should I be doing that with every huff and eyeroll?

[Anonymous]

Personally, I'd let huffs and eye rolls go.

I'd draw the line at obedience - so, walking away when I'm calling you? Consequence. Not doing something you need to do? Consequence.

Whining or complaining? Judgement call, but generally warning, then consequence.

[Anonymous]

No. And just put the clothes out the night before. It takes the ordering around down a notch.

[Anonymous]

I’m strict. I have very polite A student middle schoolers. Rolling eyes and walking away is an absolute no go. It’s absolutely rude and not to be tolerated. How would you feel if your husband did this? Don’t care your age, nobody in my house is allowed to act like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the parent of a 4yo boy who is generally a very kind and engaged little guy. We have high (and age appropriate) standards for his behavior. Excessive whining, complaining, rudeness, unkindness is just not tolerated around here. And how we have run things has been fine but now as he is moving into little kid territory I need a gut check.

As of late the eye rolling, whining and even 4yo sarcasm is leveling up. I know he is testing boundaries and so a certain amount of this I just have to let go sometimes, I think. Esp in the evenings after long days at school and trying to get him in his bedtime routine, I'll let things slide a little more. But I wanted to check with the "strict" parents, what is your rudeness boundary? How much attitude do you let slide before a consequence? FWIW he doesn't do this to others like his teachers or babysitters.

As an example, this morning I asked him to go pick out clothes and he rolled his eyes and walked out of the room, ignoring me as I called his name repeatedly. "Consequences" often include me scooping him up and saying, "Oh wow you seemed to have forgotten you kindness just now! How about you take a break until you can show me you know how to be kind." Or something of the sort. It does work but should I be doing that with every huff and eyeroll?

Kindness is different, I'd change the phrasing. Kindness is a type of behavior marked by acts of generosity, consideration, or concern for others, without expecting praise or reward. What you are expecting is appropriate behaiour, a certain amount of civility or politeness. Stop using the word kindness interchangeably. You want to teach your child to be kind, that is in acts and behaviour that he will choose to engage in, often by example. Courtesy and politeness can be (en)forced and expected.

As for whether you should do it with every huff and eyeroll, it depends on your tolerance for escalation. I did, because I knew it would only get worse if my boys felt like they could do it. I always told them they could express their feelings to me politely with words, but not like that. So if they rolled their eyes, I might say "Does that seem like an appropriate way to let me know that you are (frustrated/angry/annoyed)? Maybe you should just tell me what's wrong". They are older teens now, and I don't get a lot of that because they have had years of being able to tell me what is bothering them, that I might be annoying them, or that they disagree--as long as they do it civilly. Does it work always? Of course not. But it works pretty well IME.

[Anonymous]

Kindness isn't the right term and I wouldn't let eye rolling go.

[Anonymous]

Reading the book Out of Control by Shefali Tsabary changed my parenting style 100% when it comes to stuff like this. I know there’s different styles so you do you but I recommend looking into it if you’ve never heard of her books.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m strict. I have very polite A student middle schoolers. Rolling eyes and walking away is an absolute no go. It’s absolutely rude and not to be tolerated. How would you feel if your husband did this? Don’t care your age, nobody in my house is allowed to act like this.

+1

[Anonymous]

With the clothing example, letting a four year old pick out their clothes can be too much choice for some kids. So either let them choose the night before from two options, or you pick the clothes out. Prepare to eliminate power struggles when time matters.

I think consequences are largely useless and set a negative tone. Focus on rewarding positive behavior, with a reward being a smile or a "good job," not stickers or toys or what have you. Whole Brain Child is great generally, but especially as kids get older. You want kids to learn these skills for themselves, and as a parent, you need to know they're developmental. Of course you have different approaches and standards for children vs. adults; they're *children*, FFS.

Finally, every parent I know who is "strict" and has compliant kids really just has easy-going kids, and so it matters less what the parents do (i.e., they give themselves too much credit). For kids who are more challenging, coming down hard on them only escalates. I'm not saying your four year old has a challenging temperament, but if he does, a softer approach is better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the parent of a 4yo boy who is generally a very kind and engaged little guy. We have high (and age appropriate) standards for his behavior. Excessive whining, complaining, rudeness, unkindness is just not tolerated around here. And how we have run things has been fine but now as he is moving into little kid territory I need a gut check.

As of late the eye rolling, whining and even 4yo sarcasm is leveling up. I know he is testing boundaries and so a certain amount of this I just have to let go sometimes, I think. Esp in the evenings after long days at school and trying to get him in his bedtime routine, I'll let things slide a little more. But I wanted to check with the "strict" parents, what is your rudeness boundary? How much attitude do you let slide before a consequence? FWIW he doesn't do this to others like his teachers or babysitters.

As an example, this morning I asked him to go pick out clothes and he rolled his eyes and walked out of the room, ignoring me as I called his name repeatedly. "Consequences" often include me scooping him up and saying, "Oh wow you seemed to have forgotten you kindness just now! How about you take a break until you can show me you know how to be kind." Or something of the sort. It does work but should I be doing that with every huff and eyeroll?

We have high standards for behavior. In our house we are trying to use the Mariposa approach. What I like about it is that it builds in constant practice on emotional and social skills as context for values of how to treat people and express yourself.

You can check it out if you’re interested, but the core is using empathy to acknowledge feelings, followed by I messages, and then collaborative problem solving and strategic discipline. When done effectively it helps your child to spontaneously express consideration and empathy in their words and actions towards others. I find it more effective personally at this age than ultimatums and rules.

In this case, I agree that mentioning kindness in the abstract and scooping him up isn’t really the most specific way to reinforce the behavior you want to see. It creates a dependence on you doing something to him, and might also actually incentivize the behavior if he is seeking negative attention. You could try saying, Larlo, I noticed when I called your name that you rolled your eyes. Are you feeling frustrated because you don’t want to stop what you are doing? Listen and empathize with his feelings by recognizing, you really wanted to keep walking/playing and that felt like an interruption. You really don’t want to be told what to do right now when you’re in the middle of something. Get to the bottom of what he really feels. Then, I message: When I hear a grunt or see an eye roll, I feel sad and ignored. Don’t say more, let him think about it. By that point in the conversation my 4 year old might apologize or hug me. If yours doesn’t, you could tell him, I still love you, but I just want to tell you that when you roll your eyes or sigh and don’t turn around, I feel sad and I’m also worried I won’t be able to get your attention if I need to tell you something important. As this moves along, try and work on the problem together — you feel X, I feel Y. What can we do so we both feel good? That’s teaching them to slow down, communicate, and work things out with friends by acknowledging everyone’s feelings and perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m strict. I have very polite A student middle schoolers. Rolling eyes and walking away is an absolute no go. It’s absolutely rude and not to be tolerated. How would you feel if your husband did this? Don’t care your age, nobody in my house is allowed to act like this.

Same here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With the clothing example, letting a four year old pick out their clothes can be too much choice for some kids. So either let them choose the night before from two options, or you pick the clothes out. Prepare to eliminate power struggles when time matters.

I think consequences are largely useless and set a negative tone. Focus on rewarding positive behavior, with a reward being a smile or a "good job," not stickers or toys or what have you. Whole Brain Child is great generally, but especially as kids get older. You want kids to learn these skills for themselves, and as a parent, you need to know they're developmental. Of course you have different approaches and standards for children vs. adults; they're *children*, FFS.

Finally, every parent I know who is "strict" and has compliant kids really just has easy-going kids, and so it matters less what the parents do (i.e., they give themselves too much credit). For kids who are more challenging, coming down hard on them only escalates. I'm not saying your four year old has a challenging temperament, but if he does, a softer approach is better.

+100 They think it's their parenting but so much is the specific kids. I have one easy-going, one not. DH tried for way too long to be the strict parent he thought was the one right way to parent. It worked fine with our easy-going one but was on the way to destroying his relationship with the not-easy-going one before he was willing to find other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the parent of a 4yo boy who is generally a very kind and engaged little guy. We have high (and age appropriate) standards for his behavior. Excessive whining, complaining, rudeness, unkindness is just not tolerated around here. And how we have run things has been fine but now as he is moving into little kid territory I need a gut check.

As of late the eye rolling, whining and even 4yo sarcasm is leveling up. I know he is testing boundaries and so a certain amount of this I just have to let go sometimes, I think. Esp in the evenings after long days at school and trying to get him in his bedtime routine, I'll let things slide a little more. But I wanted to check with the "strict" parents, what is your rudeness boundary? How much attitude do you let slide before a consequence? FWIW he doesn't do this to others like his teachers or babysitters.

As an example, this morning I asked him to go pick out clothes and he rolled his eyes and walked out of the room, ignoring me as I called his name repeatedly. "Consequences" often include me scooping him up and saying, "Oh wow you seemed to have forgotten you kindness just now! How about you take a break until you can show me you know how to be kind." Or something of the sort. It does work but should I be doing that with every huff and eyeroll?

I am not sure I consider myself strict, but this behavior would not be tolerated in our house. From nobody. The consequence for DS (4) is losing a sticker on his sticker chart. He gets three warnings and I think that giving him this time to reconsider his action really helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an example, this morning I asked him to go pick out clothes and he rolled his eyes and walked out of the room, ignoring me as I called his name repeatedly. "Consequences" often include me scooping him up and saying, "Oh wow you seemed to have forgotten you kindness just now! How about you take a break until you can show me you know how to be kind." Or something of the sort. It does work but should I be doing that with every huff and eyeroll?

What was he going to do instead of getting dressed? Does he prefer to pick out his clothes?

[Anonymous]

I let eye rolls go. I let mumbling under the breath go. If I tell them to go do something, and they go off to do it while grumbling, they're still doing it. And that's good enough for me. I do not want to create a situation where they can't vent their anger or frustration.

I'm strict about safety, about cleaning up messes and being organized, strict about being kind, strict about enforcing boundaries, and about high-quality apologies. But if you want to stamp up the stairs grumbling that you HATE getting dressed, go right ahead. I hate putting on a bra and real pants instead of pj pants too, buddy. I feel you, 100%.