Woman says accepting her husband's desire to divorce 'with diginity' leads to domestic violence

[Anonymous]

I have an acquaintance that broke the news in her yearly Christmas letter. I opened the envelope and the card was just her and the kids. My first thought was, "Holy &h!t. Did Larlo die?"

Then I read the letter.

It started with, "You may have noticed that I lost a little weight this year - about 250 pounds to be exact. After X years together, Larlo decided he didn't want to be part of the marriage or family we have built." It went on to explain his affair, etc.

I thought it was pretty brave. Kind of epic. I actually still have that letter somewhere. I think everyone gets to react how they want to react. This eliminates the sort of what happened whispering. Everyone is on the same knowledge level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wasn't totally blind sided. She knew they were legally separating, and confirmed it to the media last month. She just didn't know he had filed.

Sorry, she sounds like she has her own mental health issues. It's a two way street for them it seems.

Obviously! And she was wearing a wife beater tee, lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an acquaintance that broke the news in her yearly Christmas letter. I opened the envelope and the card was just her and the kids. My first thought was, "Holy &h!t. Did Larlo die?"

Then I read the letter.

It started with, "You may have noticed that I lost a little weight this year - about 250 pounds to be exact. After X years together, Larlo decided he didn't want to be part of the marriage or family we have built." It went on to explain his affair, etc.

I thought it was pretty brave. Kind of epic. I actually still have that letter somewhere. I think everyone gets to react how they want to react. This eliminates the sort of what happened whispering. Everyone is on the same knowledge level.

Yeah. OW and spouse felt I should say nothing to her husband. F that! He was worried the guy could go psycho or she would exact revenge and she, of course, wanted to continue screwing men behind his back like she had been doing most of the marriage.

You cannot control the people you hurt and they owe ZeRO loyalty to your cheating asses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an acquaintance that broke the news in her yearly Christmas letter. I opened the envelope and the card was just her and the kids. My first thought was, "Holy &h!t. Did Larlo die?"

Then I read the letter.

It started with, "You may have noticed that I lost a little weight this year - about 250 pounds to be exact. After X years together, Larlo decided he didn't want to be part of the marriage or family we have built." It went on to explain his affair, etc.

I thought it was pretty brave. Kind of epic. I actually still have that letter somewhere. I think everyone gets to react how they want to react. This eliminates the sort of what happened whispering. Everyone is on the same knowledge level.

Yeah. OW and spouse felt I should say nothing to her husband. F that! He was worried the guy could go psycho or she would exact revenge and she, of course, wanted to continue screwing men behind his back like she had been doing most of the marriage.

You cannot control the people you hurt and they owe ZeRO loyalty to your cheating asses.

You can’t know how anyone will act when you severely deceive and betray them. And if you try to silence them you are continuing the abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She was blindsided. Two young girls and married 20-years. He gave her no reason. Just said he’s leaving.

That could make you lose your mind.

I’m not a social media person and private, but everyone deals with it differently. I’m not justifying it, but temporary insanity in these circumstances happens.

Shouldn't being a better mother triumph over 'temporary insanity' - she posted about confronting her 7-year-old with the news that he left on the same day. No gentle talks, no giving it a moment, no therapy sessions on how to cope before the news is broken. That's not being a good parent.

So mommy should have lied? Of course she had to tell the kids the same day. Do you think a 7 year old wouldn't notice daddy didn't come home and all his things were gone? Last night my husband had a late meeting and all through dinner my 2 year old was asking "daddy go to store? daddy work?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an acquaintance that broke the news in her yearly Christmas letter. I opened the envelope and the card was just her and the kids. My first thought was, "Holy &h!t. Did Larlo die?"

Then I read the letter.

It started with, "You may have noticed that I lost a little weight this year - about 250 pounds to be exact. After X years together, Larlo decided he didn't want to be part of the marriage or family we have built." It went on to explain his affair, etc.

I thought it was pretty brave. Kind of epic. I actually still have that letter somewhere. I think everyone gets to react how they want to react. This eliminates the sort of what happened whispering. Everyone is on the same knowledge level.

Yeah. OW and spouse felt I should say nothing to her husband. F that! He was worried the guy could go psycho or she would exact revenge and she, of course, wanted to continue screwing men behind his back like she had been doing most of the marriage.

You cannot control the people you hurt and they owe ZeRO loyalty to your cheating asses.

You can’t know how anyone will act when you severely deceive and betray them. And if you try to silence them you are continuing the abuse.

It feels like getting your power back. You were denied agency and choice all those years of deceit. Confronting and exposing the assholes gives you the power back. I could never sit silent and protect cheaters. Thought I’d protect my kids from the truth if they were young and didn’t know- for their mental health. They would mean way more to me than two selfish a-holes. The OW’s kids I could give two shits about. If she cared about them she wouldn’t do wat she was doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She was blindsided. Two young girls and married 20-years. He gave her no reason. Just said he’s leaving.

That could make you lose your mind.

I’m not a social media person and private, but everyone deals with it differently. I’m not justifying it, but temporary insanity in these circumstances happens.

Shouldn't being a better mother triumph over 'temporary insanity' - she posted about confronting her 7-year-old with the news that he left on the same day. No gentle talks, no giving it a moment, no therapy sessions on how to cope before the news is broken. That's not being a good parent.

So mommy should have lied? Of course she had to tell the kids the same day. Do you think a 7 year old wouldn't notice daddy didn't come home and all his things were gone? Last night my husband had a late meeting and all through dinner my 2 year old was asking "daddy go to store? daddy work?"

The gossip from the newspaper would have been all over the community. She had to tell her something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She was blindsided. Two young girls and married 20-years. He gave her no reason. Just said he’s leaving.

That could make you lose your mind.

I’m not a social media person and private, but everyone deals with it differently. I’m not justifying it, but temporary insanity in these circumstances happens.

Shouldn't being a better mother triumph over 'temporary insanity' - she posted about confronting her 7-year-old with the news that he left on the same day. No gentle talks, no giving it a moment, no therapy sessions on how to cope before the news is broken. That's not being a good parent.

So mommy should have lied? Of course she had to tell the kids the same day. Do you think a 7 year old wouldn't notice daddy didn't come home and all his things were gone? Last night my husband had a late meeting and all through dinner my 2 year old was asking "daddy go to store? daddy work?"

The gossip from the newspaper would have been all over the community. She had to tell her something.

She's 7. Schools are closed all across California. All she had to say was 'Daddy is away for a few days and tomorrow we're going to have a Big Girls breakfast and talk'. Talk in the morning could have been about what different families look like and how their family might be changing then gave the girl a day off from schoolwork, turn off the internet access (easy to do), and took her to an emergency therapy session on the 3rd day.

What she did instead was unstable and narcissistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. The gaslighting and the lies.

Totally true, and since there’s no physical evidence the abuser insists on his innocence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. The gaslighting and the lies.

Totally true, and since there’s no physical evidence the abuser insists on his innocence.

They often 'stoke the flames too'. Very gaslighting 101. Then, they sit back and say 'see, she's crazy!'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. The gaslighting and the lies.

Totally true, and since there’s no physical evidence the abuser insists on his innocence.

They often 'stoke the flames too'. Very gaslighting 101. Then, they sit back and say 'see, she's crazy!'.

Game on ! I'll show them crazy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She first found out about it in the newspaper.

He didn’t even have the balls to tell her first.

I'm sure it's come in in a few conversations over the years. Being hit with a "surprise divorce" just doesn't happen. Unless you believe that she really didn't know she was in a bad marriage. Bad enough to lead to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She first found out about it in the newspaper.

He didn’t even have the balls to tell her first.

I'm sure it's come in in a few conversations over the years. Being hit with a "surprise divorce" just doesn't happen. Unless you believe that she really didn't know she was in a bad marriage. Bad enough to lead to divorce.

It happens a lot more than you’d like to believe.

[Anonymous]

Affairs are an extreme form of emotional abuse. If emotional violence were a thing, affairs would fit that category.

I was also blindsided by (now) ex husband's affair, and we also had 2 young kids.

She is right, that it makes everyone else more comfortable if the abused spouse just shuts up and recites some socially acceptable BS line that makes everyone else feel better.

She didn't damage the kids by telling them their dad left. HE left. His leaving the way he did hurt the kids. He caused the damage. Acknowledging it doesn't damage anyone. How dysfunctional of anyone to expect her to lie to her kids and be complicit in protecting someone who did this to her?

[Anonymous]

👏🏼 to the women who have a story to tell and practice the courage, candor and vulnerability that it takes to share it. Silence perpetuates shame and secrets.