Woman says accepting her husband's desire to divorce 'with diginity' leads to domestic violence

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

+1. The emphasis on not airing your family’s dirty laundry creates a culture of silence that enables abuse. If people talked more openly about this stuff and there wasn’t so much judgment around it, it wouldn’t be able to happen as much as it does.

+1,000

It perpetuates abuse generation to generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women take it and suffer in silence. They don’t mention infidelity to protect the kids. It’s not even in divorce e decrees anymore. Then society always judges the wife—-he was such a nice guy she must not have f@cked him or she must have been a b@tch at home. That’s just how men are,,,,blah blah blah.

It’s refreshing to see someone speak out. But, of course, she’s put down for airing laundry. Let Romeo be a cad and shut up little lady.

You go, Alice. Do what you need to do.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, when women do this, it never ends well for them. Been there.

I said nothing about my abusive xH because I wanted to me "dignified". He started a huge smear campaign on me, and because he's so charming and loved, it worked. When I started telling my side of the story - and the abuse that had gone on for years - I became the bad guy. It just re-affirmed to everyone that I was the problem.

But in general, yea, I definitely support women exposing abuse.

Well maybe if you got the real story out first, you wouldn’t have been smeared. Get a jump on it.

He was able to do that because you remained silent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

+1. The emphasis on not airing your family’s dirty laundry creates a culture of silence that enables abuse. If people talked more openly about this stuff and there wasn’t so much judgment around it, it wouldn’t be able to happen as much as it does.

+1,000

It perpetuates abuse generation to generation.

Does that extend to pre-divorce? She didn't say anything bad about him publicly before he dropped the bomb. Where were her posts about 'he's always angry' when they were happily married for 20 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women take it and suffer in silence. They don’t mention infidelity to protect the kids. It’s not even in divorce e decrees anymore. Then society always judges the wife—-he was such a nice guy she must not have f@cked him or she must have been a b@tch at home. That’s just how men are,,,,blah blah blah.

It’s refreshing to see someone speak out. But, of course, she’s put down for airing laundry. Let Romeo be a cad and shut up little lady.

You go, Alice. Do what you need to do.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. [b] The gaslighting and the lies.

NP. I still don't see the emotional abuse. He's not even there. It sounds like he isn't talking to her. Is she going through emotional turmoil? Yes. Is the divorce his fault? Yes

She doesn't have to keep silent, but her emotional turmoil is there whether she keeps silent or takes out a full page add in the newspaper. Emotional turmoil is not the same as emotional abuse.

Or does she mean keeping silent makes her the emotional abuser at home? I honestly cannot follow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. [b] The gaslighting and the lies.

NP. I still don't see the emotional abuse. He's not even there. It sounds like he isn't talking to her. Is she going through emotional turmoil? Yes. Is the divorce his fault? Yes

She doesn't have to keep silent, but her emotional turmoil is there whether she keeps silent or takes out a full page add in the newspaper. Emotional turmoil is not the same as emotional abuse.

Or does she mean keeping silent makes her the emotional abuser at home? I honestly cannot follow.

Right. She's linking her embarrassment to emotional abuse when they are not the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She first found out about it in the newspaper.

He didn’t even have the balls to tell her first.

Yes. Not my style, but he publicly humiliated her with that stunt, so I don't see how he can complain that she's being public about it too. Where was his "dignity"?

[Anonymous]

A woman I follow on Twitter is doing the same thing - basically commenting on aspects of the divorce and the divorce process. She gave up a tenure track position and after 25 years of raising two kids and working as a writer where he was the primary earner, he is divorcing and refusing to pay alimony or child support.

I admire her for it.

Yes, it is abusive. Yes, women are told to keep large parts of our lives secret for the sake of the marriage and kids and our “dignity”. We are told to accept marital and financial rape and to continue to expose ourselves smilingly to our emotional, verbal and physical abusers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She first found out about it in the newspaper.

He didn’t even have the balls to tell her first.

Yes. Not my style, but he publicly humiliated her with that stunt, so I don't see how he can complain that she's being public about it too. Where was his "dignity"?

Cheaters do not have dignity, ever. It's a cowards way out. Divorce before cheating. Pretty simple.

[Anonymous]

She’s gorgeous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. The gaslighting and the lies.

Okay I agree silence can lead to abuse - because you internalize problems in your marriage and don't speak out. But how does screaming about a former spouse after they've already left help matters? He's not abusing her - he left her. That's not a crime.

If you think the abuse ends when the marriage ends, you don’t understand abusers, especially verbal and emotional abusers. We are linked to these people forever through our kids and so the abuse continues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. The gaslighting and the lies.

Okay I agree silence can lead to abuse - because you internalize problems in your marriage and don't speak out. But how does screaming about a former spouse after they've already left help matters? He's not abusing her - he left her. That's not a crime.

If you think the abuse ends when the marriage ends, you don’t understand abusers, especially verbal and emotional abusers. We are linked to these people forever through our kids and so the abuse continues.

If you are not on speaking terms how is he abusing you? Shout to the world what a shitty husband he was. But the dignity comes from not letting him into your mental space. Moving on and living a better life without him. If he was a physical abuse you don't even have to get shared custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. [b] The gaslighting and the lies.

NP. I still don't see the emotional abuse. He's not even there. It sounds like he isn't talking to her. Is she going through emotional turmoil? Yes. Is the divorce his fault? Yes

She doesn't have to keep silent, but her emotional turmoil is there whether she keeps silent or takes out a full page add in the newspaper. Emotional turmoil is not the same as emotional abuse.

Or does she mean keeping silent makes her the emotional abuser at home? I honestly cannot follow.

Right. She's linking her embarrassment to emotional abuse when they are not the same thing.

The emotional abuse was going on for years with his deceit, narcissistic manipulation and gaslighting. Being blindsided and finding out everything for years you thought to be true is not is severely disorienting and can cause a mental break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She first found out about it in the newspaper.

He didn’t even have the balls to tell her first.

Yes. Not my style, but he publicly humiliated her with that stunt, so I don't see how he can complain that she's being public about it too. Where was his "dignity"?

Cheaters do not have dignity, ever. It's a cowards way out. Divorce before cheating. Pretty simple.

Bingo. Cheaters no matter the gender are shit people.