Woman says accepting her husband's desire to divorce 'with diginity' leads to domestic violence

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Affairs are an extreme form of emotional abuse. If emotional violence were a thing, affairs would fit that category.

I was also blindsided by (now) ex husband's affair, and we also had 2 young kids.

She is right, that it makes everyone else more comfortable if the abused spouse just shuts up and recites some socially acceptable BS line that makes everyone else feel better.

She didn't damage the kids by telling them their dad left. HE left. His leaving the way he did hurt the kids. He caused the damage. Acknowledging it doesn't damage anyone. How dysfunctional of anyone to expect her to lie to her kids and be complicit in protecting someone who did this to her?

+1

Also, not speaking about something with a child does not mean that the story/secret/burden is not being conveyed in other non-verbal ways. We have a sense and intuition within us that exceeds the knowledge given by words. Keeping something secret from children doesn’t mean they don’t “know” on an intuitive level that there is something... something they can’t put their fingers on and that they certainly have not been given language around, but that causes a sense of unease and tension. This often looks like anxiety or depression.

Generational issues, trauma, anxiety etc... are often passed on this way. In the form of secrets that silently carry on from parent to children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affairs are an extreme form of emotional abuse. If emotional violence were a thing, affairs would fit that category.

I was also blindsided by (now) ex husband's affair, and we also had 2 young kids.

She is right, that it makes everyone else more comfortable if the abused spouse just shuts up and recites some socially acceptable BS line that makes everyone else feel better.

She didn't damage the kids by telling them their dad left. HE left. His leaving the way he did hurt the kids. He caused the damage. Acknowledging it doesn't damage anyone. How dysfunctional of anyone to expect her to lie to her kids and be complicit in protecting someone who did this to her?

+1

Also, not speaking about something with a child does not mean that the story/secret/burden is not being conveyed in other non-verbal ways. We have a sense and intuition within us that exceeds the knowledge given by words. Keeping something secret from children doesn’t mean they don’t “know” on an intuitive level that there is something... something they can’t put their fingers on and that they certainly have not been given language around, but that causes a sense of unease and tension. This often looks like anxiety or depression.

Generational issues, trauma, anxiety etc... are often passed on this way. In the form of secrets that silently carry on from parent to children. [/quote

+1,000. Cheaters bank on everyone covering for them. Nope. You do the crime, you do the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:👏🏼 to the women who have a story to tell and practice the courage, candor and vulnerability that it takes to share it. Silence perpetuates shame and secrets.

+1. It’s not the betrayed’s shame or secret to carry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

She gave up a tenure track position and after 25 years of raising two kids and working as a writer where he was the primary earner, he is divorcing and refusing to pay alimony or child support.

I admire her for it.

Yes, it is abusive.

No, this is not "abusive." Opposing child support for what sound like young adult children ('25 years') is fine. Resisting an agreement to pay alimony is quite likely douchey and stingy -- but it isn't "abuse."

- divorced 52 yr old female

It’s basically theft of labor - the woman performs unpaid labor to maintain the family and turns down higher paid work on the promise of a joint married economic life in which she is an equal partner. Then 25 years later, she is left without a way to earn an income commensurate with her age.

It’s abusive, even though it is entirely accepted by society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affairs are an extreme form of emotional abuse. If emotional violence were a thing, affairs would fit that category.

I was also blindsided by (now) ex husband's affair, and we also had 2 young kids.

She is right, that it makes everyone else more comfortable if the abused spouse just shuts up and recites some socially acceptable BS line that makes everyone else feel better.

She didn't damage the kids by telling them their dad left. HE left. His leaving the way he did hurt the kids. He caused the damage. Acknowledging it doesn't damage anyone. How dysfunctional of anyone to expect her to lie to her kids and be complicit in protecting someone who did this to her?

+1

Also, not speaking about something with a child does not mean that the story/secret/burden is not being conveyed in other non-verbal ways. We have a sense and intuition within us that exceeds the knowledge given by words. Keeping something secret from children doesn’t mean they don’t “know” on an intuitive level that there is something... something they can’t put their fingers on and that they certainly have not been given language around, but that causes a sense of unease and tension. This often looks like anxiety or depression.

Generational issues, trauma, anxiety etc... are often passed on this way. In the form of secrets that silently carry on from parent to children.

The above is very true. I actually kept the secret about why we divorced from everyone but people who I knew would also not tell (my parents and siblings and two friends). After a hidden affair came out and several years of him gaslighting me about what was really going on (a near constant stream of affairs with coworkers and prostitutes), I kicked me ex out but followed the advice to play nice and co-parent for the sake of the kids. I was so kind and supportive of the kids and his relationship, some people actually did not realize we were not married.

It was absolutely the wrong decision. 15 years later I can see that he continued to be self-centered and neglectful of the kids needs and trust, and because they thought he was “nice” and we were “friends” that the problem was them - that they were not loveable enough. If they had known more of the story, they might have seen that they were just part of a long line of people my exDH had poor relationships with and they would have known the problem was him and not them.

Pretending that everything is OK when it’s not is confusing and just taught my kids to accept abuse from other people in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affairs are an extreme form of emotional abuse. If emotional violence were a thing, affairs would fit that category.

I was also blindsided by (now) ex husband's affair, and we also had 2 young kids.

She is right, that it makes everyone else more comfortable if the abused spouse just shuts up and recites some socially acceptable BS line that makes everyone else feel better.

She didn't damage the kids by telling them their dad left. HE left. His leaving the way he did hurt the kids. He caused the damage. Acknowledging it doesn't damage anyone. How dysfunctional of anyone to expect her to lie to her kids and be complicit in protecting someone who did this to her?

+1

Also, not speaking about something with a child does not mean that the story/secret/burden is not being conveyed in other non-verbal ways. We have a sense and intuition within us that exceeds the knowledge given by words. Keeping something secret from children doesn’t mean they don’t “know” on an intuitive level that there is something... something they can’t put their fingers on and that they certainly have not been given language around, but that causes a sense of unease and tension. This often looks like anxiety or depression.

Generational issues, trauma, anxiety etc... are often passed on this way. In the form of secrets that silently carry on from parent to children.

The above is very true. I actually kept the secret about why we divorced from everyone but people who I knew would also not tell (my parents and siblings and two friends). After a hidden affair came out and several years of him gaslighting me about what was really going on (a near constant stream of affairs with coworkers and prostitutes), I kicked me ex out but followed the advice to play nice and co-parent for the sake of the kids. I was so kind and supportive of the kids and his relationship, some people actually did not realize we were not married.

It was absolutely the wrong decision. 15 years later I can see that he continued to be self-centered and neglectful of the kids needs and trust, and because they thought he was “nice” and we were “friends” that the problem was them - that they were not loveable enough. If they had known more of the story, they might have seen that they were just part of a long line of people my exDH had poor relationships with and they would have known the problem was him and not them.

Pretending that everything is OK when it’s not is confusing and just taught my kids to accept abuse from other people in their lives.

I agree with you that it's better to be honest, but I admire that you tried to take the noble approach and sacrifice your feelings for the benefit of your children's relationship with their dad. It didnt work out, which makes the pill even more bitter to swallow. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife posts complains on Instagram that husband slammed her with surprise divorce and here's what she thinks about it. What do you all think? Should women be quiet about how they feel when a spouse files for a surprise divorce? Be dignified?

Her instagram post:
'I know he’ll be angry. (he is always angry - he was born angry) But, you see, I think this whole idea of keeping your private lives private is... well. What leads to child abuse. And domestic violence.

'And mental abuse. I couldn’t believe how many people told me to accept it ‘with dignity’. What is dignity? I think "dignity is a way of covering up our own hurt. I think dignity is a way of others telling us to shut up, because THEY don’t want to think about our hurt.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CL9B5-4FjHS/

Post is gone... damn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, when women do this, it never ends well for them. Been there.

I said nothing about my abusive xH because I wanted to me "dignified". He started a huge smear campaign on me, and because he's so charming and loved, it worked. When I started telling my side of the story - and the abuse that had gone on for years - I became the bad guy. It just re-affirmed to everyone that I was the problem.

But in general, yea, I definitely support women exposing abuse.

Me too! Me too. It’s the most lonely path in the world and I applaud this woman. I let it nearly kill me- all props to her

[Anonymous]

how about just keeping your private life private.

the fact that you are getting divorced really isn't any else's business but yours, your soon to be ex and your children.

if you are abused, then take it to proper authorities. IG FB tiktok, etc aren't the proper platforms for exposing that kind of personal info... IMHO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how about just keeping your private life private.

the fact that you are getting divorced really isn't any else's business but yours, your soon to be ex and your children.

if you are abused, then take it to proper authorities. IG FB tiktok, etc aren't the proper platforms for exposing that kind of personal info... IMHO

There are plenty of social platforms where people communicate nowadays with family members and friends. It's the same as going to city market in mid ages and chatting with a neighbor.
I would think that friends would need to know why the marriage fell apart. Leaving ambiguity would allow the adulterers to blame everything on the other side, or even smear spouses with the family friends. Talking to friends on social platforms about private life is fine IMHO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how about just keeping your private life private.

the fact that you are getting divorced really isn't any else's business but yours, your soon to be ex and your children.

if you are abused, then take it to proper authorities. IG FB tiktok, etc aren't the proper platforms for exposing that kind of personal info... IMHO

There are plenty of social platforms where people communicate nowadays with family members and friends. It's the same as going to city market in mid ages and chatting with a neighbor.
I would think that friends would need to know why the marriage fell apart. Leaving ambiguity would allow the adulterers to blame everything on the other side, or even smear spouses with the family friends. Talking to friends on social platforms about private life is fine IMHO

Yeah. The OW loved to post about what a great wife, home maker and mother she was all over the Internet...with her secret of picking up strangers on the Internet and screwing them. Why not expose reality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how about just keeping your private life private.

the fact that you are getting divorced really isn't any else's business but yours, your soon to be ex and your children.

if you are abused, then take it to proper authorities. IG FB tiktok, etc aren't the proper platforms for exposing that kind of personal info... IMHO

The "authorities" don't help and often are abusers themselves. They intimidate victims into not pressing charges and retraumatize them. Violence against another person isn't "personal" and shouldn't be swept under the rug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how about just keeping your private life private.

the fact that you are getting divorced really isn't any else's business but yours, your soon to be ex and your children.

if you are abused, then take it to proper authorities. IG FB tiktok, etc aren't the proper platforms for exposing that kind of personal info... IMHO

There are plenty of social platforms where people communicate nowadays with family members and friends. It's the same as going to city market in mid ages and chatting with a neighbor.
I would think that friends would need to know why the marriage fell apart. Leaving ambiguity would allow the adulterers to blame everything on the other side, or even smear spouses with the family friends. Talking to friends on social platforms about private life is fine IMHO

Yeah. The OW loved to post about what a great wife, home maker and mother she was all over the Internet...with her secret of picking up strangers on the Internet and screwing them. Why not expose reality?

AP I knew was arranging for the husband to take her boys on out of town college tour trips so that she could meet with her married lover. She claimed to be such a great mom on social media, but even though she didn't work, her husband still did 90% of all kid duties---handled school issues, sports practices/games, etc., while she entertained other men. To this day, she goes on and on about her 'babies' when she has been dying for them to leave the nest so she can be a real ho even more time to cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how about just keeping your private life private.

the fact that you are getting divorced really isn't any else's business but yours, your soon to be ex and your children.

if you are abused, then take it to proper authorities. IG FB tiktok, etc aren't the proper platforms for exposing that kind of personal info... IMHO

There are plenty of social platforms where people communicate nowadays with family members and friends. It's the same as going to city market in mid ages and chatting with a neighbor.
I would think that friends would need to know why the marriage fell apart. Leaving ambiguity would allow the adulterers to blame everything on the other side, or even smear spouses with the family friends. Talking to friends on social platforms about private life is fine IMHO

Yeah. The OW loved to post about what a great wife, home maker and mother she was all over the Internet...with her secret of picking up strangers on the Internet and screwing them. Why not expose reality?

AP I knew was arranging for the husband to take her boys on out of town college tour trips so that she could meet with her married lover. She claimed to be such a great mom on social media, but even though she didn't work, her husband still did 90% of all kid duties---handled school issues, sports practices/games, etc., while she entertained other men. To this day, she goes on and on about her 'babies' when she has been dying for them to leave the nest so she can be a real ho even more time to cheat.

Do men keep quiet too?