Woman says accepting her husband's desire to divorce 'with diginity' leads to domestic violence

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. [b] The gaslighting and the lies.

NP. I still don't see the emotional abuse. He's not even there. It sounds like he isn't talking to her. Is she going through emotional turmoil? Yes. Is the divorce his fault? Yes

She doesn't have to keep silent, but her emotional turmoil is there whether she keeps silent or takes out a full page add in the newspaper. Emotional turmoil is not the same as emotional abuse.

Or does she mean keeping silent makes her the emotional abuser at home? I honestly cannot follow.

Right. She's linking her embarrassment to emotional abuse when they are not the same thing.

The emotional abuse was going on for years with his deceit, narcissistic manipulation and gaslighting. Being blindsided and finding out everything for years you thought to be true is not is severely disorienting and can cause a mental break.

+1

Everything I’ve read about him sounds like a classic narcissist. Narcissistic abuse is like none other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. [b] The gaslighting and the lies.

NP. I still don't see the emotional abuse. He's not even there. It sounds like he isn't talking to her. Is she going through emotional turmoil? Yes. Is the divorce his fault? Yes

She doesn't have to keep silent, but her emotional turmoil is there whether she keeps silent or takes out a full page add in the newspaper. Emotional turmoil is not the same as emotional abuse.

Or does she mean keeping silent makes her the emotional abuser at home? I honestly cannot follow.

Right. She's linking her embarrassment to emotional abuse when they are not the same thing.

I would argue that keeping such a huge secret from your spouse and then announcing it a newspaper with no heads up to her is emotional abuse. What is behind such behavior if not a power play, manipulation, and spite?

However, you are missing her point because you are focusing only on what happened to her, while she is making a much broader point, that is not about her. Her broad point is that when society's rules of proper decorum insist on keeping troubling matters "private," even shaming and shunning and gossiping those who deign to talk about "such issues," it enables abusers because when the "don't tell" rules have been deeply ingrained in a persons's psyche form birth, it is psychologically almost impossible to break out of an abusive situation. Gossip is probably the worst of it, because when you've heard gossip all your life, you then know what will happen to you, the victim, if you come forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She first found out about it in the newspaper.

He didn’t even have the balls to tell her first.

Yes. Not my style, but he publicly humiliated her with that stunt, so I don't see how he can complain that she's being public about it too. Where was his "dignity"?

Cheaters do not have dignity, ever. It's a cowards way out. Divorce before cheating. Pretty simple.

Bingo. Cheaters no matter the gender are shit people.

Cheaters scatter when light is shined on them. They bank on nobody finding out. Women generally protect their kids from learning the truth about their shit parent so it allows the cheater to never have to face consequences. And then mommy looks like the bad one to everyone.

Shine that light. Tell relatives and others and hold your head high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. [b] The gaslighting and the lies.

NP. I still don't see the emotional abuse. He's not even there. It sounds like he isn't talking to her. Is she going through emotional turmoil? Yes. Is the divorce his fault? Yes

She doesn't have to keep silent, but her emotional turmoil is there whether she keeps silent or takes out a full page add in the newspaper. Emotional turmoil is not the same as emotional abuse.

Or does she mean keeping silent makes her the emotional abuser at home? I honestly cannot follow.

Right. She's linking her embarrassment to emotional abuse when they are not the same thing.

I would argue that keeping such a huge secret from your spouse and then announcing it a newspaper with no heads up to her is emotional abuse. What is behind such behavior if not a power play, manipulation, and spite?

However, you are missing her point because you are focusing only on what happened to her, while she is making a much broader point, that is not about her. Her broad point is that when society's rules of proper decorum insist on keeping troubling matters "private," even shaming and shunning and gossiping those who deign to talk about "such issues," it enables abusers because when the "don't tell" rules have been deeply ingrained in a persons's psyche form birth, it is psychologically almost impossible to break out of an abusive situation. Gossip is probably the worst of it, because when you've heard gossip all your life, you then know what will happen to you, the victim, if you come forward.

This.

[Anonymous]

He still hasn’t admitted to infidelity.

[Anonymous]

She gave up a tenure track position and after 25 years of raising two kids and working as a writer where he was the primary earner, he is divorcing and refusing to pay alimony or child support.

I admire her for it.

Yes, it is abusive.

No, this is not "abusive." Opposing child support for what sound like young adult children ('25 years') is fine. Resisting an agreement to pay alimony is quite likely douchey and stingy -- but it isn't "abuse."

- divorced 52 yr old female

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. [b] The gaslighting and the lies.

NP. I still don't see the emotional abuse. He's not even there. It sounds like he isn't talking to her. Is she going through emotional turmoil? Yes. Is the divorce his fault? Yes

She doesn't have to keep silent, but her emotional turmoil is there whether she keeps silent or takes out a full page add in the newspaper. Emotional turmoil is not the same as emotional abuse.

Or does she mean keeping silent makes her the emotional abuser at home? I honestly cannot follow.

Right. She's linking her embarrassment to emotional abuse when they are not the same thing.

I would argue that keeping such a huge secret from your spouse and then announcing it a newspaper with no heads up to her is emotional abuse. What is behind such behavior if not a power play, manipulation, and spite?

However, you are missing her point because you are focusing only on what happened to her, while she is making a much broader point, that is not about her. Her broad point is that when society's rules of proper decorum insist on keeping troubling matters "private," even shaming and shunning and gossiping those who deign to talk about "such issues," it enables abusers because when the "don't tell" rules have been deeply ingrained in a persons's psyche form birth, it is psychologically almost impossible to break out of an abusive situation. Gossip is probably the worst of it, because when you've heard gossip all your life, you then know what will happen to you, the victim, if you come forward.

This.

He didn’t announce it in the newspaper. The reporter picked it up by trawling legal filings at the local courthouse. The worst you can say about the man who filed was that he disregarded the wife’s potential feelings on a surprise divorce. He didn’t actively set out to abuse her though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife posts complains on Instagram that husband slammed her with surprise divorce and here's what she thinks about it. What do you all think? Should women be quiet about how they feel when a spouse files for a surprise divorce? Be dignified?

Her instagram post:
'I know he’ll be angry. (he is always angry - he was born angry) But, you see, I think this whole idea of keeping your private lives private is... well. What leads to child abuse. And domestic violence.

'And mental abuse. I couldn’t believe how many people told me to accept it ‘with dignity’. What is dignity? I think "dignity is a way of covering up our own hurt. I think dignity is a way of others telling us to shut up, because THEY don’t want to think about our hurt.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CL9B5-4FjHS/

No one needs to be quiet to their friends or family when divorcing.

And No one should pretend to know what happened behind closed doors if someone else’s marriage.

I would absolutely divorce and cite a partner’s abuse and unmanaged mental illness. If they wanted to know more or examples I’d consider telling them if they were close. But if someone told me to shut up and show an abuser dignity I’d tell them that dignity from him went out the door years ago. There is nothing dignified about his abusive ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A woman I follow on Twitter is doing the same thing - basically commenting on aspects of the divorce and the divorce process. She gave up a tenure track position and after 25 years of raising two kids and working as a writer where he was the primary earner, he is divorcing and refusing to pay alimony or child support.

I admire her for it.

Yes, it is abusive. Yes, women are told to keep large parts of our lives secret for the sake of the marriage and kids and our “dignity”. We are told to accept marital and financial rape and to continue to expose ourselves smilingly to our emotional, verbal and physical abusers.

Link please

[Anonymous]

"confronting a 7 year old" as this woman did is child abuse. IF she is all over posting about this as some sort of influencer then odds are she is also a narcissist. Those people are toxic (influencers and narcissists).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. The gaslighting and the lies.

Okay I agree silence can lead to abuse - because you internalize problems in your marriage and don't speak out. But how does screaming about a former spouse after they've already left help matters? He's not abusing her - he left her. That's not a crime.

If you think the abuse ends when the marriage ends, you don’t understand abusers, especially verbal and emotional abusers. We are linked to these people forever through our kids and so the abuse continues.

Separation abuse is real. The child becomes a power tool pawn to the narc abuser.

[Anonymous]

He's HOT. otoh, he's Welsh, so

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't say accepting a divorce with dignity leads to domestic violence. She said a focus on privacy in our society leads to domestic violence and child abuse.

It leads to emotional abuse. Keeping silent and suffering and the abuser counting on you never telling anyone. That’s emotional abuse. The gaslighting and the lies.

Okay I agree silence can lead to abuse - because you internalize problems in your marriage and don't speak out. But how does screaming about a former spouse after they've already left help matters? He's not abusing her - he left her. That's not a crime.

If you think the abuse ends when the marriage ends, you don’t understand abusers, especially verbal and emotional abusers. We are linked to these people forever through our kids and so the abuse continues.

Separation abuse is real. The child becomes a power tool pawn to the narc abuser.

Considering the mother is mentally traumatizing her daughter/children from day one of the separation I'd say there are narc abusers on both sides.

[Anonymous]

She knew he was a dirt bag long before this happened. Should have put her ducks in a row, and checked on him to know exactly what he was up to.

Wearing the kind of shirt on social media and airing their dirty laundry simply makes her look even dumber.

Get a great attorney and move on, she could easily find a better partner and dad. I mean really she can only go up from there.

[Anonymous]

She wasn't totally blind sided. She knew they were legally separating, and confirmed it to the media last month. She just didn't know he had filed.

Sorry, she sounds like she has her own mental health issues. It's a two way street for them it seems.