Divorced dad needs advice about time with my children

[Anonymous]

My dad played basketball with me in the backyard, and did stained glass kits with me, and we went to the park two blocks from our house, etc.

More than once he hit me repeatedly so hard and with such fury that I peed my pants.

Just because you played outside with your kids doesn't mean you didn't spank them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - I am interested in hearing why the court did not have the expectation that your ex would be going to get a job in the settlement.

As mentioned I would find a way to have one of your siblings or a grandparent come for visit with you to see your daughters. Rent a nearly B & B and take the safety precautions. See if you could find one with a fire pit to be able to roast marshmellows etc. Find out from your daughters where they would like to order out? Try and find some outdoor activities the girls might enjoy in their area - ice skating, skiing with lesson, biking or etc. A surprise for that age that could be used most any where would be a scooter for each and helmet which you would keep for such visits as EX would likely not let them bring them.

Also when you are in touch make sure that you are doing Face Time as that is just more personal and maybe ask to see something they have been doing in school or if they take or like art, dance or an instrument to see them perform if they want to. It is a difficult situation and the key is to be low key and not overly force the outcome. If a relative on your side is not available to come on a monthly visit, try to set it up for a week away in the summer at the beach and let the girls plan where as at their ages there would be lots to do at most beach areas. It goes without saying you should not trash talk their mother and on this end, a therapist could help you because if you are not a troll, you will need an outlet to positively vent to and get advice on how best to proceed.

This sounds like great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad played basketball with me in the backyard, and did stained glass kits with me, and we went to the park two blocks from our house, etc.

More than once he hit me repeatedly so hard and with such fury that I peed my pants.

Just because you played outside with your kids doesn't mean you didn't spank them.

How horrific, I'm so sorry. I hope you have been able to find greater peace and love in your adult life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - I am interested in hearing why the court did not have the expectation that your ex would be going to get a job in the settlement.

As mentioned I would find a way to have one of your siblings or a grandparent come for visit with you to see your daughters. Rent a nearly B & B and take the safety precautions. See if you could find one with a fire pit to be able to roast marshmellows etc. Find out from your daughters where they would like to order out? Try and find some outdoor activities the girls might enjoy in their area - ice skating, skiing with lesson, biking or etc. A surprise for that age that could be used most any where would be a scooter for each and helmet which you would keep for such visits as EX would likely not let them bring them.

Also when you are in touch make sure that you are doing Face Time as that is just more personal and maybe ask to see something they have been doing in school or if they take or like art, dance or an instrument to see them perform if they want to. It is a difficult situation and the key is to be low key and not overly force the outcome. If a relative on your side is not available to come on a monthly visit, try to set it up for a week away in the summer at the beach and let the girls plan where as at their ages there would be lots to do at most beach areas. It goes without saying you should not trash talk their mother and on this end, a therapist could help you because if you are not a troll, you will need an outlet to positively vent to and get advice on how best to proceed.

If ex is supporting herself, how doesn't matter. I don't get why if Mom moved, everyone expects Dad to jump and follow. If he follows, she can still refuse visits. Likewise, if Mom will not give him the court appointed time, she isn't going to be flexible on other times.

Having been there, done that, he's best to walk away. He will spend a fortune fighting this and very few courts/judges will hold mom in contempt and give consequences. If he fights it, Mom will just make the kids lives more miserable as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OO, great advice at 14:29. I literally cannot believe the people going after you. Practically this same situation is happening to a high school friend of mine. We all know him to be a fantastic father to his two daughters. He’s a high school coach, easy-going, just a nice guy. His wife left with the kids pretty suddenly and he was beyond devastated. He (admittedly) had way too much to drink shortly after the split (he’s not much of a drinker usually), went to the family house late at night and was serial ringing the doorbell. Honestly, not a mature reaction on his part but a totally understandable one. Anyway, the soon to be ex has spun it out to say the kids were traumatized (and they may have been upset), they are afraid of him, he has hit them before - she just has completely blown this out of proportion and embellished it so the girls are now convinced that he is dangerous and abused them. She kept them from him for months, and now he can only see them with a chaperone (her rules). His parents, who used to see them every single week, have not seen them for a year and a half. He has a lawyer and I’m sure things will eventually work out, but it’s amazing what his crazy wife has done and gets away with.

I love how when a man drinks excessively, stalks and engages in menacing, frightening behavior he is showing an immature "but totally understandsblr" reaction. Meanwhile if the mother did the same she would probably be called a batshit crazy unfit mother and drunk. Seems fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, I seriously need some advice. Divorced now well over a year and separated 2 years before that. Wife has the children (two daughters, ages 8 and 10) out of state. (I was an idiot for letting that happen)...anyway, lately she has convinced them that I beat them. To be very clear, I have never even spanked my children. Was always an extremely active father and had such a good relationship with my girls. (neighbors even say that I'm the only one they ever say out playing with my daughters). On the phone my daughters are making statements about how I hit them. It's beyond painful. .....my ex made this allegation almost two years ago and the state investigated everything an entire summer, the entire time of which I could not communicate with my girls. They came back saying there is absolutely no evidence that I ever hit them...now, two years later my girls are stating the same thing and I'm terrified. I get them every month and my next time with them is coming up shortly. I'm sure that when it comes time for me to get my girls, they will cry and refuse to get into my car. I don't want to traumatize them, but I'm also worried that if I don't insist of taking them, that they will draw further away from me and be even more brainwashed that I have done such things to them.
Does anybody have any experience with child psychology and how I should proceed? Do I make things easy for them and just give them more time...or do I take them?
I hope this doesn't sound like I'm rambling.....any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I hope you have some financial resources.

I'd get a lawyer that specializes in parental alienation and go scorched earth against your ex.

I would absolutely not give up your time and strongly advise you get this lawyer in place prior to their visit to figure out the best way to handle things.

You can either do this or resign yourself to losing your kids. You may lose them at the end of the process, but at least you will have fought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OO, great advice at 14:29. I literally cannot believe the people going after you. Practically this same situation is happening to a high school friend of mine. We all know him to be a fantastic father to his two daughters. He’s a high school coach, easy-going, just a nice guy. His wife left with the kids pretty suddenly and he was beyond devastated. He (admittedly) had way too much to drink shortly after the split (he’s not much of a drinker usually), went to the family house late at night and was serial ringing the doorbell. Honestly, not a mature reaction on his part but a totally understandable one. Anyway, the soon to be ex has spun it out to say the kids were traumatized (and they may have been upset), they are afraid of him, he has hit them before - she just has completely blown this out of proportion and embellished it so the girls are now convinced that he is dangerous and abused them. She kept them from him for months, and now he can only see them with a chaperone (her rules). His parents, who used to see them every single week, have not seen them for a year and a half. He has a lawyer and I’m sure things will eventually work out, but it’s amazing what his crazy wife has done and gets away with.

This is not the same situation AT ALL and this woman is not getting away with anything. Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OO, great advice at 14:29. I literally cannot believe the people going after you. Practically this same situation is happening to a high school friend of mine. We all know him to be a fantastic father to his two daughters. He’s a high school coach, easy-going, just a nice guy. His wife left with the kids pretty suddenly and he was beyond devastated. He (admittedly) had way too much to drink shortly after the split (he’s not much of a drinker usually), went to the family house late at night and was serial ringing the doorbell. Honestly, not a mature reaction on his part but a totally understandable one. Anyway, the soon to be ex has spun it out to say the kids were traumatized (and they may have been upset), they are afraid of him, he has hit them before - she just has completely blown this out of proportion and embellished it so the girls are now convinced that he is dangerous and abused them. She kept them from him for months, and now he can only see them with a chaperone (her rules). His parents, who used to see them every single week, have not seen them for a year and a half. He has a lawyer and I’m sure things will eventually work out, but it’s amazing what his crazy wife has done and gets away with.

I love how when a man drinks excessively, stalks and engages in menacing, frightening behavior he is showing an immature "but totally understandsblr" reaction. Meanwhile if the mother did the same she would probably be called a batshit crazy unfit mother and drunk. Seems fair.

My ex-wife did something similar. Police were called, but they didn't even arrest her. I then got to spend more money on my lawyer sending her a trespassing notice so it wouldn't happen again.

[Anonymous]

What is it that your ex wants? most likely custody, to get more money... maybe you can assure her that you will pay her more as long as she does not pull this sort of stuff...

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of when I worked at the imf and no one would leave due to the ridiculous pension plan and no abused spouse would leave due to getting kicked out of the country. Lots of denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of when I worked at the imf and no one would leave due to the ridiculous pension plan and no abused spouse would leave due to getting kicked out of the country. Lots of denial.

My experience is that everyone is sleeping with everyone else at the Bank and Fund.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a lawyer

Move closer to them

Get 50/50 physical custody

+ Lawyer up if you want a relationship. My mother tried this situation my father. The lack of trying will have an impact on them if you fail to fight for your family.

[Anonymous]

These are big kids. Why not ask them about this beating? When did it happen, how often and where?
I don't get it. My ex-h said that my son is afraid of me. When I asked my son about it, we both cried. He said that he was not afraid of me. It's just something daddy says.He was about the same age as your girls, 8 or 9.

[Anonymous]

Can you take some unpaid leave from your job so you can spend 3-6 months in their area? That may be a good way to "reset" the relationship with your ex and the girls.

Further, if you are a cop or firefighter with shift work, ideally you'd have a second residence in your girls' city so you can spend your off days there with them.

Finally, you need to get your lawyer and courts involved in enforcing the custody agreement.

[Anonymous]

Thank you to many of you for the excellent advice and understanding. I am not embellishing and have been upfront about the situation. As for my pension, you are correct...I'm a firefighter. I'm too old to start over again and would loose my retirement including lifetime medical benefits. Trust me, I've thought of moving but it's just not an option. And that does not mean I love my job more than my kids.
I have a therapist as many have suggested and it honestly helps a great deal. I've never hit/spanked/threatened my children. I've never even handled them aggressively or roughly. Look, I've been on way too many pediatric deaths in this city to ever harm a hair on either of my children's head. During our marriage I was constantly criticized for being too soft on them. She hasn't denied me visitation but has made it very difficult and now has convinced my kids that I hit them, making them not want to go with me. Believe it or not, I think she's a good mom. She cares for them and they are safe with her. They go to bed on time, do their school work and are generally happy. I believe the reason for this is that her boyfriend is wanting to marry her and she has the entire idea of a new family (without me in the picture) in her mind. She also lives off child support and alimony which totals about $3000 a month and refuses to get a job. ($3000 goes a lot further where she moved to than it does around here). I just want my time with my girls and I don't want her trying to get in the way of my relationship with them. I will continue to do the visitations and make the most out of it.