Divorced dad needs advice about time with my children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to many of you for the excellent advice and understanding. I am not embellishing and have been upfront about the situation. As for my pension, you are correct...I'm a firefighter. I'm too old to start over again and would loose my retirement including lifetime medical benefits. Trust me, I've thought of moving but it's just not an option. And that does not mean I love my job more than my kids.
I have a therapist as many have suggested and it honestly helps a great deal. I've never hit/spanked/threatened my children. I've never even handled them aggressively or roughly. Look, I've been on way too many pediatric deaths in this city to ever harm a hair on either of my children's head. During our marriage I was constantly criticized for being too soft on them. She hasn't denied me visitation but has made it very difficult and now has convinced my kids that I hit them, making them not want to go with me. Believe it or not, I think she's a good mom. She cares for them and they are safe with her. They go to bed on time, do their school work and are generally happy. I believe the reason for this is that her boyfriend is wanting to marry her and she has the entire idea of a new family (without me in the picture) in her mind. She also lives off child support and alimony which totals about $3000 a month and refuses to get a job. ($3000 goes a lot further where she moved to than it does around here). I just want my time with my girls and I don't want her trying to get in the way of my relationship with them. I will continue to do the visitations and make the most out of it.

The bolded is exactly her goal, and this is her second attempt at it. I think you are really underestimating what's going on here. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Good luck, OP. No one should have to go through this. It's an incredibly selfish thing to intentionally try to make the other parent look bad. I hope it all gets resolved. The girls will probably reach out to you as they get older, but I hope you don't have to wait that long. Your spouse is not putting your kids first.

[Anonymous]

I've been on this site way too long. Any chance this is the guy that's a captain or some other high rank with the fire dept and pulls in like $200K per year. I vaguely remember a similar thread about the person being a fireman in like Delaware or something and the wife living out in the boonies in VA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, OP. No one should have to go through this. It's an incredibly selfish thing to intentionally try to make the other parent look bad. I hope it all gets resolved. The girls will probably reach out to you as they get older, but I hope you don't have to wait that long. Your spouse is not putting your kids first.

A friend of mine has two daughters and his wife went off the rails and there was a divorce. She alienated the daughters so they won't spend any time with my friend. After trying for a couple of years to undo the alienation he got himself a new young wife, and now has a baby.

My friend is a big wheel in medicine and very well-off, and his parents are also well-off. His new baby will probably end up with all the family money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to many of you for the excellent advice and understanding. I am not embellishing and have been upfront about the situation. As for my pension, you are correct...I'm a firefighter. I'm too old to start over again and would loose my retirement including lifetime medical benefits. Trust me, I've thought of moving but it's just not an option. And that does not mean I love my job more than my kids.
I have a therapist as many have suggested and it honestly helps a great deal. I've never hit/spanked/threatened my children. I've never even handled them aggressively or roughly. Look, I've been on way too many pediatric deaths in this city to ever harm a hair on either of my children's head. During our marriage I was constantly criticized for being too soft on them. She hasn't denied me visitation but has made it very difficult and now has convinced my kids that I hit them, making them not want to go with me. Believe it or not, I think she's a good mom. She cares for them and they are safe with her. They go to bed on time, do their school work and are generally happy. I believe the reason for this is that her boyfriend is wanting to marry her and she has the entire idea of a new family (without me in the picture) in her mind. She also lives off child support and alimony which totals about $3000 a month and refuses to get a job. ($3000 goes a lot further where she moved to than it does around here). I just want my time with my girls and I don't want her trying to get in the way of my relationship with them. I will continue to do the visitations and make the most out of it.

You still haven't explained how a mother can convince an 8 and 10 yr old that someone hit them if they never did.

I personally think you are full of crap. What convinced me is that you think she's a "good mom" and "She cares for them and they are safe with her." Doubt it. She lies to them and convinces them to lie in order to hurt you. She wants to keep them from you. She prioritizes a boyfriend over their own dad. She's not a good mom and they aren't safe with her. You say moving is not an option. Would it be an option if you thought she was abusing them? You are not trying hard enough to protect them and spend enough time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, OP. No one should have to go through this. It's an incredibly selfish thing to intentionally try to make the other parent look bad. I hope it all gets resolved. The girls will probably reach out to you as they get older, but I hope you don't have to wait that long. Your spouse is not putting your kids first.

A friend of mine has two daughters and his wife went off the rails and there was a divorce. She alienated the daughters so they won't spend any time with my friend. After trying for a couple of years to undo the alienation he got himself a new young wife, and now has a baby.

My friend is a big wheel in medicine and very well-off, and his parents are also well-off. His new baby will probably end up with all the family money.

Great, sounds like he doesn’t care and no one else does either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been on this site way too long. Any chance this is the guy that's a captain or some other high rank with the fire dept and pulls in like $200K per year. I vaguely remember a similar thread about the person being a fireman in like Delaware or something and the wife living out in the boonies in VA.

Lol. Me too.,

[Anonymous]

If it were me I would consider getting a video camera and recording all family (not bathroom or bedroom) time while they are there.
Can you get a witness like your mom or sister or something to stay with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to many of you for the excellent advice and understanding. I am not embellishing and have been upfront about the situation. As for my pension, you are correct...I'm a firefighter. I'm too old to start over again and would loose my retirement including lifetime medical benefits. Trust me, I've thought of moving but it's just not an option. And that does not mean I love my job more than my kids.
I have a therapist as many have suggested and it honestly helps a great deal. I've never hit/spanked/threatened my children. I've never even handled them aggressively or roughly. Look, I've been on way too many pediatric deaths in this city to ever harm a hair on either of my children's head. During our marriage I was constantly criticized for being too soft on them. She hasn't denied me visitation but has made it very difficult and now has convinced my kids that I hit them, making them not want to go with me. Believe it or not, I think she's a good mom. She cares for them and they are safe with her. They go to bed on time, do their school work and are generally happy. I believe the reason for this is that her boyfriend is wanting to marry her and she has the entire idea of a new family (without me in the picture) in her mind. She also lives off child support and alimony which totals about $3000 a month and refuses to get a job. ($3000 goes a lot further where she moved to than it does around here). I just want my time with my girls and I don't want her trying to get in the way of my relationship with them. I will continue to do the visitations and make the most out of it.

You have to talk to your ex about what is best for the children. At 8 and 10, they will remember if a parent is tooling them and it will skewer their relationship with that parent later on. I saw it happen in my own family under my manipulative mother. My mother even got my younger siblings to lie in court. Using children this way sets them up on a therapist's couch for life. Even though they seem small, they will not forget and the choices they are prodded into making now will live forever with them.
Being girls, you don't want them to reach adulthood with 'daddy issues'. Believe it or not, you are the template for what they expect to marry later in life so put your best foot forward. Your wife needs to know this too. She also needs to accept that she procreated with you and needs to work with the father she chose for these daughters. This alienation she is engineering would only hurt her and them in the long run.

You both have to work towards the outcome you want for your kids. I can't image how much it sucks reach old age with guilt and remorse over the poor choices of child rearing that manifests in poor choices in adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first time she coached them to lie and you were investigated and it was found to be without merit you should have gone after your ex and for custody. You didn't.


Now you are saying it's impossible for you to get another job and move closer to your daughters.


It seems you like to complain, but not actually do anything.

Wow.