Divorced dad needs advice about time with my children

[Anonymous]

OO, great advice at 14:29. I literally cannot believe the people going after you. Practically this same situation is happening to a high school friend of mine. We all know him to be a fantastic father to his two daughters. He’s a high school coach, easy-going, just a nice guy. His wife left with the kids pretty suddenly and he was beyond devastated. He (admittedly) had way too much to drink shortly after the split (he’s not much of a drinker usually), went to the family house late at night and was serial ringing the doorbell. Honestly, not a mature reaction on his part but a totally understandable one. Anyway, the soon to be ex has spun it out to say the kids were traumatized (and they may have been upset), they are afraid of him, he has hit them before - she just has completely blown this out of proportion and embellished it so the girls are now convinced that he is dangerous and abused them. She kept them from him for months, and now he can only see them with a chaperone (her rules). His parents, who used to see them every single week, have not seen them for a year and a half. He has a lawyer and I’m sure things will eventually work out, but it’s amazing what his crazy wife has done and gets away with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OO, great advice at 14:29. I literally cannot believe the people going after you. Practically this same situation is happening to a high school friend of mine. We all know him to be a fantastic father to his two daughters. He’s a high school coach, easy-going, just a nice guy. His wife left with the kids pretty suddenly and he was beyond devastated. He (admittedly) had way too much to drink shortly after the split (he’s not much of a drinker usually), went to the family house late at night and was serial ringing the doorbell. Honestly, not a mature reaction on his part but a totally understandable one. Anyway, the soon to be ex has spun it out to say the kids were traumatized (and they may have been upset), they are afraid of him, he has hit them before - she just has completely blown this out of proportion and embellished it so the girls are now convinced that he is dangerous and abused them. She kept them from him for months, and now he can only see them with a chaperone (her rules). His parents, who used to see them every single week, have not seen them for a year and a half. He has a lawyer and I’m sure things will eventually work out, but it’s amazing what his crazy wife has done and gets away with.

What's amazing is you blindly believing your friend, and attempting to downplay things. His girls not being around him seem totally justified to me. He is also not required to have chaperoned visits for no reason. Your friend is not being completely honest with you.

[Anonymous]

How can your ex decide not to work. Are you paying alimony?

[Anonymous]

Yes you force them to go with you. It is your visitation time and they are not old enough to have an option to not go because they don’t want to.

I had a similar mother. I remember crying when my dad came to get me at about 6/7 yrs old. He forced it. Not my physically restraining me. But when I refused to go, and my mother let it happen, he took her back to court and a judge told her she needs to comply. This is a wife issue not a kid issue. Take her back to court if you need to.

I don’t know what to say about the abuse allegations but to talk to your lawyer. If you were already investigated once and nothing showed your lawyer I’m sure has some tactics. Your ex is certainly not the first to pull this and judges and CPS know this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes you force them to go with you. It is your visitation time and they are not old enough to have an option to not go because they don’t want to.

I had a similar mother. I remember crying when my dad came to get me at about 6/7 yrs old. He forced it. Not my physically restraining me. But when I refused to go, and my mother let it happen, he took her back to court and a judge told her she needs to comply. This is a wife issue not a kid issue. Take her back to court if you need to.

I don’t know what to say about the abuse allegations but to talk to your lawyer. If you were already investigated once and nothing showed your lawyer I’m sure has some tactics. Your ex is certainly not the first to pull this and judges and CPS know this

So awful when parents do this to their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish moving was that simple. I work, she doesn't. She moved there simply because it is close to family. If I left my job I would loose my entire retirement and have to start all over. Sure my kids are worth anything....but they also deserve to have a father who can support himself. I also am their sole source of money, as the ex-wife refused to work. I'm sorry, but moving just isn't an option. And yes, I've spoken with my lawyer. Apparently this kind of alienation just isn't illegal in the slightest. Judges do look down at it and I was told to keep all recordings/emails/text messages for anything future that my happen in the court.

My dad was a successful CEO who gave up everything to move closer to us after mom took us. He lost it all and had to start all over. Kids want their parents, not money.

You’re choosing yourself over your kids. As long as you do that, there’s not much you can do about what your ex-wife is doing.

You seem to have little to no experience in custodial law, poster. Are you aware that a voluntary quit can be viewed by the Court as a violation of support order and the income can be imputed in the absence of employment? And please don’t forget, we are in the midst of a pandemic where job hopping is just a bit more difficult than it normally would be.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully OP is more invested in his relationship with his kids than he is in engaging with people trying to give him advice here.

[Anonymous]

Moving closer may not help. My husband tried that and was still refused the kids. Show up at every visitation and call the police if you have to. Put camera's in your home to document everything that happens for future accusations. If she refuses more than a few visits, take it to court and file contempt. You will probably lose but at least you tried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OO, great advice at 14:29. I literally cannot believe the people going after you. Practically this same situation is happening to a high school friend of mine. We all know him to be a fantastic father to his two daughters. He’s a high school coach, easy-going, just a nice guy. His wife left with the kids pretty suddenly and he was beyond devastated. He (admittedly) had way too much to drink shortly after the split (he’s not much of a drinker usually), went to the family house late at night and was serial ringing the doorbell. Honestly, not a mature reaction on his part but a totally understandable one. Anyway, the soon to be ex has spun it out to say the kids were traumatized (and they may have been upset), they are afraid of him, he has hit them before - she just has completely blown this out of proportion and embellished it so the girls are now convinced that he is dangerous and abused them. She kept them from him for months, and now he can only see them with a chaperone (her rules). His parents, who used to see them every single week, have not seen them for a year and a half. He has a lawyer and I’m sure things will eventually work out, but it’s amazing what his crazy wife has done and gets away with.

Courts have little accountability for visitation refusal. There is only accountability for child support.

Those saying move closer, how does that help? Just because Dad is closer doesn't mean Mom will honor the agreement.

He needs to move on as there isn't anything he can do. This will not work out because she will keep refusing visits and court will not do anything but tell her to send them and she will refuse. Tell him that child support hopefully stops at 18 and if they want help afterward they can work it out via a relationship with him directly. This guy will never see his kids again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OO, great advice at 14:29. I literally cannot believe the people going after you. Practically this same situation is happening to a high school friend of mine. We all know him to be a fantastic father to his two daughters. He’s a high school coach, easy-going, just a nice guy. His wife left with the kids pretty suddenly and he was beyond devastated. He (admittedly) had way too much to drink shortly after the split (he’s not much of a drinker usually), went to the family house late at night and was serial ringing the doorbell. Honestly, not a mature reaction on his part but a totally understandable one. Anyway, the soon to be ex has spun it out to say the kids were traumatized (and they may have been upset), they are afraid of him, he has hit them before - she just has completely blown this out of proportion and embellished it so the girls are now convinced that he is dangerous and abused them. She kept them from him for months, and now he can only see them with a chaperone (her rules). His parents, who used to see them every single week, have not seen them for a year and a half. He has a lawyer and I’m sure things will eventually work out, but it’s amazing what his crazy wife has done and gets away with.

Courts have little accountability for visitation refusal. There is only accountability for child support.

Those saying move closer, how does that help? Just because Dad is closer doesn't mean Mom will honor the agreement.

He needs to move on as there isn't anything he can do. This will not work out because she will keep refusing visits and court will not do anything but tell her to send them and she will refuse. Tell him that child support hopefully stops at 18 and if they want help afterward they can work it out via a relationship with him directly. This guy will never see his kids again.

OP never said his ex denies him scheduled visitation.

[Anonymous]

This is parental alienation. You need a good attorney. You could get full custody because of your ex-wife's actions. Her actions are driving a wedge btwn you and your children and it's abusive.

I don't get why people are asking if you were a cheater, or questioning you wanting to keep your job. Those are non-factors. She moved w/the children and then went on to fill their minds with bs. You should take legal action against her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish moving was that simple. I work, she doesn't. She moved there simply because it is close to family. If I left my job I would loose my entire retirement and have to start all over. Sure my kids are worth anything....but they also deserve to have a father who can support himself. I also am their sole source of money, as the ex-wife refused to work. I'm sorry, but moving just isn't an option. And yes, I've spoken with my lawyer. Apparently this kind of alienation just isn't illegal in the slightest. Judges do look down at it and I was told to keep all recordings/emails/text messages for anything future that my happen in the court.

That's not how retirement works. So Now know you're full of it.

+1

So what you stop your pension plan or more stock options, you get another job and that program.

Talk w your lawyer. Your priorities seem off. You repeat what you think society wants to hear but your actions don’t back up what you’re saying.

As for your kids fabricated hitting. Make them provide examples. Maybe they’re talking about swatting a fly or something minor that you forgot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's called child alienation, and it's a form of child abuse. Some judges absolutely hate it. The fact that she moved the children away is also an indication of alienation, and therefore abuse.

You are hearing the perspective of one person in what sounds like a high conflict, difficult divorce and complicated custody arrangement. Alienation is a nuanced concept and there are degrees, moving away does not equate to abuse or alienation, that's a huge stretch. Op, talk to your lawyer and get a therapist. I echo the poster who suggested basically playing the long game. Be kind, empathic and a steadying presence in the lives of your daughters. And for all parents, divorced or not, own your own mistakes with humility and a desire to do better, don't play the victim. Op, have you not done your share of undermining your ex, even just a bit, at times? It's human and common in your situation.

[Anonymous]

OP - I am interested in hearing why the court did not have the expectation that your ex would be going to get a job in the settlement.

As mentioned I would find a way to have one of your siblings or a grandparent come for visit with you to see your daughters. Rent a nearly B & B and take the safety precautions. See if you could find one with a fire pit to be able to roast marshmellows etc. Find out from your daughters where they would like to order out? Try and find some outdoor activities the girls might enjoy in their area - ice skating, skiing with lesson, biking or etc. A surprise for that age that could be used most any where would be a scooter for each and helmet which you would keep for such visits as EX would likely not let them bring them.

Also when you are in touch make sure that you are doing Face Time as that is just more personal and maybe ask to see something they have been doing in school or if they take or like art, dance or an instrument to see them perform if they want to. It is a difficult situation and the key is to be low key and not overly force the outcome. If a relative on your side is not available to come on a monthly visit, try to set it up for a week away in the summer at the beach and let the girls plan where as at their ages there would be lots to do at most beach areas. It goes without saying you should not trash talk their mother and on this end, a therapist could help you because if you are not a troll, you will need an outlet to positively vent to and get advice on how best to proceed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a lawyer

Move closer to them

Get 50/50 physical custody

+1