Divorced dad needs advice about time with my children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, I seriously need some advice. Divorced now well over a year and separated 2 years before that. Wife has the children (two daughters, ages 8 and 10) out of state. (I was an idiot for letting that happen)...anyway, lately she has convinced them that I beat them. To be very clear, I have never even spanked my children. Was always an extremely active father and had such a good relationship with my girls. (neighbors even say that I'm the only one they ever say out playing with my daughters). On the phone my daughters are making statements about how I hit them. It's beyond painful. .....my ex made this allegation almost two years ago and the state investigated everything an entire summer, the entire time of which I could not communicate with my girls. They came back saying there is absolutely no evidence that I ever hit them...now, two years later my girls are stating the same thing and I'm terrified. I get them every month and my next time with them is coming up shortly. I'm sure that when it comes time for me to get my girls, they will cry and refuse to get into my car. I don't want to traumatize them, but I'm also worried that if I don't insist of taking them, that they will draw further away from me and be even more brainwashed that I have done such things to them.
Does anybody have any experience with child psychology and how I should proceed? Do I make things easy for them and just give them more time...or do I take them?
I hope this doesn't sound like I'm rambling.....any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Judges take parental alienation VERY seriously. How much are you willing to spend to deal with this?

I would move closer to them, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, I seriously need some advice. Divorced now well over a year and separated 2 years before that. Wife has the children (two daughters, ages 8 and 10) out of state. (I was an idiot for letting that happen)...anyway, lately she has convinced them that I beat them. To be very clear, I have never even spanked my children. Was always an extremely active father and had such a good relationship with my girls. (neighbors even say that I'm the only one they ever say out playing with my daughters). On the phone my daughters are making statements about how I hit them. It's beyond painful. .....my ex made this allegation almost two years ago and the state investigated everything an entire summer, the entire time of which I could not communicate with my girls. They came back saying there is absolutely no evidence that I ever hit them...now, two years later my girls are stating the same thing and I'm terrified. I get them every month and my next time with them is coming up shortly. I'm sure that when it comes time for me to get my girls, they will cry and refuse to get into my car. I don't want to traumatize them, but I'm also worried that if I don't insist of taking them, that they will draw further away from me and be even more brainwashed that I have done such things to them.
Does anybody have any experience with child psychology and how I should proceed? Do I make things easy for them and just give them more time...or do I take them?
I hope this doesn't sound like I'm rambling.....any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Judges take parental alienation VERY seriously. How much are you willing to spend to deal with this?

I would move closer to them, too.

This. You need a better lawyer. Put that money you claim is for the girls to actually helping them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish moving was that simple. I work, she doesn't. She moved there simply because it is close to family. If I left my job I would loose my entire retirement and have to start all over. Sure my kids are worth anything....but they also deserve to have a father who can support himself. I also am their sole source of money, as the ex-wife refused to work. I'm sorry, but moving just isn't an option. And yes, I've spoken with my lawyer. Apparently this kind of alienation just isn't illegal in the slightest. Judges do look down at it and I was told to keep all recordings/emails/text messages for anything future that my happen in the court.

What job do you do that only exists in 1 place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish moving was that simple. I work, she doesn't. She moved there simply because it is close to family. If I left my job I would loose my entire retirement and have to start all over. Sure my kids are worth anything....but they also deserve to have a father who can support himself. I also am their sole source of money, as the ex-wife refused to work. I'm sorry, but moving just isn't an option. And yes, I've spoken with my lawyer. Apparently this kind of alienation just isn't illegal in the slightest. Judges do look down at it and I was told to keep all recordings/emails/text messages for anything future that my happen in the court.

That's not how retirement works. So Now know you're full of it.

He’s probably a cop or firefighter or something and needs a certain number of years of active service in order to have full retirement benefits. Not full of it at all.

Except , OP didn't say that, but good job helping a troll, troll. There's also another point of his that's not accurate.

I’m not helping anyone troll. I am just pointing out there are many jobs where OP could “lose” retirement benefits if he changes jobs. It’s not really a complicated concept. I think there are some interesting facets of this story but I’m not going to comment on them since we are only reading one side.

[Anonymous]

You should have someone stay with you when your kids visit. A witness. Can your parents/the grandparents stay with you?

Make it an awesome visit.

And, talk to your lawyer.

Why is your ex so vindictive? Did you cheat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish moving was that simple. I work, she doesn't. She moved there simply because it is close to family. If I left my job I would loose my entire retirement and have to start all over. Sure my kids are worth anything....but they also deserve to have a father who can support himself. I also am their sole source of money, as the ex-wife refused to work. I'm sorry, but moving just isn't an option. And yes, I've spoken with my lawyer. Apparently this kind of alienation just isn't illegal in the slightest. Judges do look down at it and I was told to keep all recordings/emails/text messages for anything future that my happen in the court.

That's not how retirement works. So Now know you're full of it.

NP. You shouldn’t make statements that are so easy to prove inaccurate. Of course, there are some jobs that are pension based and you can lose a lot, if not everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish moving was that simple. I work, she doesn't. She moved there simply because it is close to family. If I left my job I would loose my entire retirement and have to start all over. Sure my kids are worth anything....but they also deserve to have a father who can support himself. I also am their sole source of money, as the ex-wife refused to work. I'm sorry, but moving just isn't an option. And yes, I've spoken with my lawyer. Apparently this kind of alienation just isn't illegal in the slightest. Judges do look down at it and I was told to keep all recordings/emails/text messages for anything future that my happen in the court.

That's not how retirement works. So Now know you're full of it.

NP. You shouldn’t make statements that are so easy to prove inaccurate. Of course, there are some jobs that are pension based and you can lose a lot, if not everything.

DP. Even with pension-based jobs, they tend to vest progressively so that even if you would lose something by leaving before you're fully vested, you still keep the majority of it.

But even if OP would lose some of his pension and need to rebuild, it's his choice whether this priority is his pension or his children. He can move closer to them, he is just choosing not to because the money apparently is more important.

[Anonymous]

Do all of those suggesting the money not matter also read the many posts from bitter DCUMers complaining that their parents can’t support themselves in retirement and why should they be obligated to help?!! The advice is always to take care of your own family and retirement first before helping parents. The hypocrisy!

OP, I don’t know how true your facts are, but assuming they are true I would consult a psychologist to figure out best practices for moving forward with your children in a positive way. This is not the place for your situation, you will be disbelieved and ridiculed. Please don’t ever decide it’s too much or too hard and give up. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish moving was that simple. I work, she doesn't. She moved there simply because it is close to family. If I left my job I would loose my entire retirement and have to start all over. Sure my kids are worth anything....but they also deserve to have a father who can support himself. I also am their sole source of money, as the ex-wife refused to work. I'm sorry, but moving just isn't an option. And yes, I've spoken with my lawyer. Apparently this kind of alienation just isn't illegal in the slightest. Judges do look down at it and I was told to keep all recordings/emails/text messages for anything future that my happen in the court.

That's not how retirement works. So Now know you're full of it.

NP. You shouldn’t make statements that are so easy to prove inaccurate. Of course, there are some jobs that are pension based and you can lose a lot, if not everything.

DP. Even with pension-based jobs, they tend to vest progressively so that even if you would lose something by leaving before you're fully vested, you still keep the majority of it.

But even if OP would lose some of his pension and need to rebuild, it's his choice whether this priority is his pension or his children. He can move closer to them, he is just choosing not to because the money apparently is more important.

NP. What do you suggest he do given his ex does not work and he’s the sole source of money for his kids?

[Anonymous]

I think you got a lot of good advice but you could also just try doing something simple like visiting them in their hometown between visits to you. Take a long weekend and go. Sure it might not be convenient but at least it shows them you are interested and trying to be involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish moving was that simple. I work, she doesn't. She moved there simply because it is close to family. If I left my job I would loose my entire retirement and have to start all over. Sure my kids are worth anything....but they also deserve to have a father who can support himself. I also am their sole source of money, as the ex-wife refused to work. I'm sorry, but moving just isn't an option. And yes, I've spoken with my lawyer. Apparently this kind of alienation just isn't illegal in the slightest. Judges do look down at it and I was told to keep all recordings/emails/text messages for anything future that my happen in the court.

That's not how retirement works. So Now know you're full of it.

NP. You shouldn’t make statements that are so easy to prove inaccurate. Of course, there are some jobs that are pension based and you can lose a lot, if not everything.

DP. Even with pension-based jobs, they tend to vest progressively so that even if you would lose something by leaving before you're fully vested, you still keep the majority of it.

But even if OP would lose some of his pension and need to rebuild, it's his choice whether this priority is his pension or his children. He can move closer to them, he is just choosing not to because the money apparently is more important.

NP. What do you suggest he do given his ex does not work and he’s the sole source of money for his kids?

OP hasn’t given us enough information to give him concrete advice, and he does not appear to be interesting in engaging in brainstorming to find solutions. But if I were in his shoes, looking for a job near my kids would absolutely be on the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first time she coached them to lie and you were investigated and it was found to be without merit you should have gone after your ex and for custody. You didn't.


Now you are saying it's impossible for you to get another job and move closer to your daughters.


It seems you like to complain, but not actually do anything.

I’ve known so many dads like OP. They put themselves and their career first because they can’t be bothered to be a parent, then complain about everything their ex-wife does. If they were that concerned about their children’s’ well-being, they would drop everything to help.

I’ve literally heard dads say “I gotta put on my own mask first!” as an excuse to not be with their own kids.

Millions of women give up careers due to kids. Men can do the same.

M+1

[Anonymous]

OP how often did you speak with your kids this past week?

[Anonymous]

OP, I would start by finding a qualified therapist of your own. You need someone to help you process your own emotions about what's going on so they don't come out in destruction fashion around your kids or ex, and that therapist will also be able to give you guidance on how to approach your kids (even though it will presumably be just you, a family therapist may be helpful in this regard).

In the meantime, here's a different way to think about this (which takes everything you said at face value and gives you the benefit of the doubt here - so if you're glossing over details where you did smack them once or twice, this may be be the right advice). Your kids are isolated with your ex away from you in another state. They need her house to be a safe place for them because they have no other options. So when their mom feeds them this stuff, they don't really have a choice but to accept it to appease her. So for now, recognize that when they say this stuff, it's not really about you, it's about them and their need to protect themselves. Anything you do that feels like you lashing out at them for it will make them view you as just as threatening as your ex.

They are kids, and are coping with this they only way they can. They need you to be the adult here. They need you to be the parent who loves and accepts them unconditionally, no matter what. This means that first, you don't miss any visitation time with them. They need to be able to count on you to show up, even if they don't want to go in the moment. Second, when they say you beat them in the past, don't argue with it. Don't respond to accusations about past behavior directly (because then you're forcing them to choose sides, and the idea of siding against their mom is too scary for them). Instead, reassure them about the future. "Jane and Mary, I promise you I will not hit you. I will take good care of you, and you are safe in my home."

Finally, follow through on that. Don't be Disney Dad, that won't accomplish anything. But be kind to them. Be compassionate. Realize that going with you is very anxiety-provoking for them right now because they're worried about how their mom will respond afterward. Know they may try to provoke you because they're worried about whether you'll get mad at them or lash out, and sometimes when you're worried about that, it's easier to provoke it so it comes and you get it over with than to keep sitting with the anxiety about when it will happen. So whatever happens during their time with you, you keep your cool. Obviously you need to have reasonable rules, boundaries and limits, but if they oversteps those, you need to respond calmly and compassionately, not with anger or retribution. They need you to take care of them emotionally more than anything right now, which means putting aside your own hurt and anger to make sure their emotional needs are being met.

[Anonymous]

It's called child alienation, and it's a form of child abuse. Some judges absolutely hate it. The fact that she moved the children away is also an indication of alienation, and therefore abuse.