Girlfriend Turned Down Offer - She We Break Up?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Maybe I am rushing but it’s not fair for her to tell me she wants all of these things and then says no. We went from her saying she wants to live together a week ago to saying no yesterday. It doesn’t add up to me. I feel like she is telling me what I want to hear. It makes me feel like I’m a convenience relationship to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old are you? If you're dealing with an educated woman past the age of 25, your timeline is wayyyyyy too fast.

OP here. She is 35 and I’m 39.

Either of you ever been married?

OP here. No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what reasons did she give you? You haven’t shared them with us, but just leap-frogged right into “should we break up.” Tell us about the conversation you had and the reasons she gave you for changing her mind about her lease.

OP here. She gave reasonable reasons such as it’s very soon and she worries about not having a backup place if we break up.

So when she said soon, she was probably thinking a year plus (which is reasonable given your ages). Instead of just outright dumping her, maybe you can talk to her about the timeline she envisions for moving the relationship forward?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old are you? If you're dealing with an educated woman past the age of 25, your timeline is wayyyyyy too fast.

OP here. She is 35 and I’m 39.

Either of you ever been married?

OP here. No.

You need to sit back and relax and in six months ask her to marry you if things are going well for both of you. If she says yes, then revisit moving in together. Putting pressure on her right now will end it.

[Anonymous]

I’m with you. I would dumped her. She sounds like she is playing games until something better comes along. Tell her it’s over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what reasons did she give you? You haven’t shared them with us, but just leap-frogged right into “should we break up.” Tell us about the conversation you had and the reasons she gave you for changing her mind about her lease.

OP here. She gave reasonable reasons such as it’s very soon and she worries about not having a backup place if we break up.

So when she said soon, she was probably thinking a year plus (which is reasonable given your ages). Instead of just outright dumping her, maybe you can talk to her about the timeline she envisions for moving the relationship forward?

OP here. I feel like I’m getting mixed signals. She told me she broke up with her ex because he wouldn’t commit. He didn’t want her to move in and then didn’t propose to her after talking about for most of her relationship. I told her that wasn’t me when she asked me if I was serious about her. I told her I was serious and willing to show her I wanted a commitment. She said she wants to be engaged by 1 year because she is 35 and doesn’t have much time before having kids. I told her I was fine with that if our relationship continued going the way it has. She said she was fine moving in last week when we talked about her lease being up. Then I officially asked her last night and she said no.

It feels like she is telling me what I want to hear without any actions. I believe in showing actions because words are just that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what reasons did she give you? You haven’t shared them with us, but just leap-frogged right into “should we break up.” Tell us about the conversation you had and the reasons she gave you for changing her mind about her lease.

OP here. She gave reasonable reasons such as it’s very soon and she worries about not having a backup place if we break up.

So when she said soon, she was probably thinking a year plus (which is reasonable given your ages). Instead of just outright dumping her, maybe you can talk to her about the timeline she envisions for moving the relationship forward?

OP here. I feel like I’m getting mixed signals. She told me she broke up with her ex because he wouldn’t commit. He didn’t want her to move in and then didn’t propose to her after talking about for most of her relationship. I told her that wasn’t me when she asked me if I was serious about her. I told her I was serious and willing to show her I wanted a commitment. She said she wants to be engaged by 1 year because she is 35 and doesn’t have much time before having kids. I told her I was fine with that if our relationship continued going the way it has. She said she was fine moving in last week when we talked about her lease being up. Then I officially asked her last night and she said no.

It feels like she is telling me what I want to hear without any actions. I believe in showing actions because words are just that.

Or she's actually waiting for you to propose before she moves in. Sounds like both of you are bad at communication.

[Anonymous]

Have your family or friends met her? It’s good to get an idea of how people act around others.

Have you met her family and friends? Observe her family. Dynamics in families often repeat.

You should talk to her again about why she doesn’t want to move in and discuss how both of you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just would not move in with someone. What a way to get stuck in a relationship with all the downsides of marriage, but none of the upsides, for the woman.

I have seen that play out with women I've known over the years. Move in, and no marriage. If unmarried, I'd want the man to pick me up and take me out. I would not want to pick up after him.

I would strongly advise my own daughter against it, or any good friend who asked my opinion.

It's possible your GF has a similar belief on the benefits (or lack thereof) of becoming roommates with a romantic partner.

This is just my perspective, mid late 30s now and married over a decade. I slept over at DH's plenty before marriage, but were not "roommates" then.

So you decided to risk moving in after marriage and find you weren’t compatible? No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I moved in with my college boyfriend and we dated for 4 years, lived together for 2.5. Living together is what showed me that I did not want to marry him. He was a wonderful person/boyfriend but once we lived together he turned into a complete homebody. He never wanted to go to dinner, go out, or even to friends houses to hang out. These are all things we did pre-living together and I enjoyed. We also moved in together for financial reasons not just because it made sense for our relationship.

Once we broke up I did not want to live with anyone again until either we were engaged or I knew an engagement was imminent. I ended up moving in my with my now fiance after only 8 months of dating, but was 5+ years older than I was last time and much more financially secure and knew it was the right thing for our relationship. It did take my fiance longer than I had hoped to propose which definitely caused some issues in our relationship, but overall it was still the right decision.

How long did it take him to propose?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I’ve gotta agree that you two need to learn to communicate better. You kind of lost me at “it’s not fair” that she said no, and quite frankly it makes me a bit concerned for *her*, if this is the way you react to her expressing her needs.

It would be extremely premature to break up over this without really sitting down and hashing out both of your thoughts, feelings, hopes and expectations, and it’s essential that you’re able to do that if you’re to have a healthy future together.

I’m wondering - does she still envision getting engaged at the year mark, even if you’re not yet living together? I doesn’t sound like you’re really understanding where she’s coming from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it was a good move for her... I don't think you should move in together until you're very close to an engagement. Otherwise, it's just hard to break up and move out if things aren't going well.

This. I only wanted to move in ONCE and did not want to move out ever.

She's not ready to get married.

My DH asked me to move in, mainly because he needed a roommate to keep a nice apartment. I said no. We'd been together a bit less than a year and I told him that I would move in when I was very sure I'd never move out. And that I didn't want to move in with him because he needed a roommate, but because it was the right decision in our relationship. At that point it wasn't. We dated 2 more years, moved in, got married and now have two kids and 15 years behind us.

+1

[Anonymous]

^^*it* doesn’t sound like

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have your family or friends met her? It’s good to get an idea of how people act around others.

Have you met her family and friends? Observe her family. Dynamics in families often repeat.

You should talk to her again about why she doesn’t want to move in and discuss how both of you feel.

OP here. I have met her family and best friends and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My girlfriend and I met through work ( different departments) a little over six months ago. We hit it off right away and became serious very quickly. She was spending all of her time at my place and we started talking about the future, etc. I offered her to move in with me and she said no. I was very bummed but understand her reasonings. I’m now wondering if I’m seeing it as more weighs than she is and we should break up. I don’t want to and really like her, but I’m definitely not sure if this is just a pandemic relationship or the real deal. She says it is but wants to wait a little longer before making serious decisions. It’s weird to me that she is over at my place all of the time, but she doesn’t want to move in. I don’t know if I should hold out or if I’m wasting my time.

You come off as needy and desperate. 6 months is way too soon.