How to respond to MIL's comments about caring for her adult sons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You married into a culture with certain expectations for family. Unless you intend to divorce before you are expected to carry them, you need to speak with your husband now and make clear what you will and will not do. Frankly, this is a conversation you should have had before you got married. It undoubtedly will cause a blow up but it’s better than getting to a crisis situation and telling them you won’t do it. The longer you wait, the more likely it is that you will be forced into a role you don’t want simply because there is no other option. Make your decisions known now so that your DH and in-laws can make appropriate plans.

You mean a supposed conversation HE should have had before marrying. HE should have been clear with his massive baggage, big strings attached “expectations.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hold the phone. There is no way I would be welcoming the able-bodied brothers to live with me.

This is something where you and your spouse need to be on the same page. NOW.

If one or both his parents are no longer able to care for themselves, what are you both able to do in terms of finances and space and time?

As for his brothers: You need to ask your husband straight up if he sees himself living under the same roof with his brothers. He may be worried about them, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to invite them into his home with his wife and kid. You need hear directly from him where his thinking is. If he says, “Oh yeah, they will need to live with us...” then you have work to do as a couple to figure it out.

What you shouldn’t do is just sit around and cross your fingers that your husband is looking at this the same way you are.

As for the comments by your MIL, just smile and respond with “That’s nice. Do you think it’s going to rain later?” Do not engage with her.

Thanks, I should have been more clear. The brother that is not working also likely has severe depression and social anxiety. I have mentioned mental health treatment but like many people with mental illness, he is not interested in getting treatment. DH does want to take him in and I agree with that. It is a big reason why we are one and done. In my culture (which is probablt different from that of most DCUM posters) we take care of our families.

Has the mother gotten them real help and a neuropsych for figuring out what mental disorder is causing their anxiety and depression and the proper meds and therapies? Hope so, she’s had decades to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hold the phone. There is no way I would be welcoming the able-bodied brothers to live with me.

This is something where you and your spouse need to be on the same page. NOW.

If one or both his parents are no longer able to care for themselves, what are you both able to do in terms of finances and space and time?

As for his brothers: You need to ask your husband straight up if he sees himself living under the same roof with his brothers. He may be worried about them, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to invite them into his home with his wife and kid. You need hear directly from him where his thinking is. If he says, “Oh yeah, they will need to live with us...” then you have work to do as a couple to figure it out.

What you shouldn’t do is just sit around and cross your fingers that your husband is looking at this the same way you are.

As for the comments by your MIL, just smile and respond with “That’s nice. Do you think it’s going to rain later?” Do not engage with her.

Thanks, I should have been more clear. The brother that is not working also likely has severe depression and social anxiety. I have mentioned mental health treatment but like many people with mental illness, he is not interested in getting treatment. DH does want to take him in and I agree with that. It is a big reason why we are one and done. In my culture (which is probablt different from that of most DCUM posters) we take care of our families.

Are you saying you had one child due to mental illness heredity factors or you had one child in order to be able to financially and time wise afford to take care of DHs family of origin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to quickly become a match maker and marry one of the brothers to a bride of your MIL's culture. Problem solved.

Poor woman. But this happens all the time. Put your best foot forward!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand the taking care of family cultures. I’m part of one.

If I were in this situation, I would make it clear that BIL would be required to seek treatment while living with us. I wouldn’t bother telling MIL that he will be washing his own clothes, etc. It would just cause conflict or anxiety. You just make his chores part of the lifestyle in your house. He will do his clothes because no one else will. Once he’s with you, in your home, MIL can complain if she wants but there’s really nothing she can do and she will know that.

5e time for treatment was age 6-16. He has too many negative coping methods now plus sounds too enabled and codependent on family for his age. Not gonna change no matter how many $250 psych sessions you pay for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone that has a BIL with severe social anxiety and agoraphobia -- do not enable him by taking him in. My BIL was able to buy a home with the help of his father (his anxiety did not allow him to be at the closing). He lived at home until 33 because his parents enabled it. Both need to be on their own. Trust me, you do not want to live with someone that has a severe mental health disorder. That said, do whatever you can beyond that to help them become independent.

Same here.

One of my uncles lived at home until age 44 when the final parent died. He got 80% of the inheritance (over his other six sibs, who had jobs and lives) because the will assumed he needed help. He up and moved to the west coast, got a job in IT, and lived happily ever after. Single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can understand the taking care of family cultures. I’m part of one.

If I were in this situation, I would make it clear that BIL would be required to seek treatment while living with us. I wouldn’t bother telling MIL that he will be washing his own clothes, etc. It would just cause conflict or anxiety. You just make his chores part of the lifestyle in your house. He will do his clothes because no one else will. Once he’s with you, in your home, MIL can complain if she wants but there’s really nothing she can do and she will know that.

Question - do you or does anyone else have experience with compelling a person to get treatment in this way? Does this actually work?

I don’t have any experience, sorry. My thought is that you and your husband need to have a straight talk with him and let him know that he needs to give it a try in order to live with you. This really needs to come mostly from your husband. I would throw in that you both need to look after the well being of your child and his mental health while living in your home affects your child. Hopefully the MIL will see this side of it to and also encourage him.

Since this is a family takes care of family culture, he will hopefully know that you both are on his side, and as a family member he needs to respect your wishes and at least give it a try. It would be disrespectful to completely refuse.

No they don't believe in mental health care.

Reach out to a therapist or psychiatrist that is from the same background. Make an appt for you and your husband to discuss how to work against the stigma and get the help needed.

If there is no one in this area, look elsewhere and do a Zoom appt.

At least figure out what it is and if it’s treatable or the symptoms are manageable or not. For example, ASD is not treat DK via meds and behavioral therapy needs early intervention not late, to be effective.

[Anonymous]

What about your parents and your siblings OP?

[Anonymous]

Great question.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all. Having had more conversations with DH, we are on the same page that having BIL move in would be an absolute last resort and that I have a lot of concerns about continuing to enable him or ending up caring for him indefinitely. I think DH in the past envisioned his brothers coming to stay with us for a little while or visiting as a stepping stone to independence - this was while they were still in school or just graduated. Now that one BIL is working and the other BIL has been out of school and unemployed for a few years and it's a different situation.

There is no expectation or desire from DH that I would become MIL's primary caregiver. Since we live in a different city and DH's parents/brothers have a lot of ties to their own city, I do not think they see themselves moving in with us. Obviously, if MIL needs long-term care we'll need to figure out what to do from there.

I think MIL's comments at least in part are about explaining herself - there is a lot of guilt, anger and grief in the family around BIL's situation and MIL's role in that. I'm starting to think the best starting point would be for MIL to get therapy, but it's not my decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they all live nearby? Is MIL’s house paid for? Can she just leave it to the brothers so they can live there and dh can check on them regularly? Or perhaps you can sell the house and buy them a condo which may be easier for them to maintain. This assumes they will have sufficient assets. My mil is leaving sil her house but it is expensive to maintain. SIL will have other money from MIL but depending on her age when MIL passes, she will have to determine if she can really afford to stay in the house. She can’t do that herself and she won’t always accept help from dh (who can do this easily). It’s tough, op. Hopefully your dh’s brothers will accept your assistance and suggestions.

OP here. No, they live several hours away. Yes I can see leaving them the house, maybe the working brother can pay to maintain it. It just saddens me she makes them so dependent on her. She is in a lot of pain but insists on doing everything herself. So of course they are used to it. I am nervous about what happens when MIL becomes more disabled. Her vision seems to be I take care of everyone so her sons don't have to lift their pretty little fingers. They are actually both pretty sweet, but shy, and I think have suffered serious harm from how overbearing she is. Thankfully DH knows how to set boundaries. She can't get everything she wants. I do think some of this will sort itself out, or at least can't really be helped by any discussion now. But yes, I will talk to DH about what MIL has said recently to clarify his expectations, which I expect are not different from mine.

I would set ground rules with dh NOW about anyone living with us.. for example, if brothers live with us they would need to have formal diagnosis and adhere to any medical intervention such as medication, job training etc.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Wouldn't do it. I'd give them the address to the nearest homeless shelter. Not my responsibility to take care of grown men who can't get their lives together.

[Anonymous]

Don't know what culture you come from, but we are Indian and have similar cultural expectations with family. BUT no one even back home in India would do that for an able-bodied grown brother. If you think that ultimately it will come to it, I understand that it's almost impossible to let the brother be on the streets no matter how much you don't want him in your home. That's a tough situation OP. One thing I can think of is to encourage MIL to figure out some way of having passive income for the brother and connect him with some agency that can help him figure out some work from home. Where are they living right now? Do they own the place? It might be a good idea for MIL to buy a place with an in-law suite that can be rented and will give BIL some income when she is gone. And as hard as it is to talk about it, you have to talk to MIL and DH about how BIL moving in is just not an acceptable solution for you guys.